Aa
Lost
Confused. I met the dope dealers dope dealer and now we are together so I am always around dope but now I use it socially, I don't feel like I have to have it because I am happy with this guy...as far as I know. I have met so many people that come in and out that are using as well and always passing the crystal pipe around and they live normal lives and all. I used to have a really horrible problem but now it has become undercontrol-at least thats how it feels. Can I live a normal lifestyle and not go down hill and continue to use?
All I want to say to you is good luck! You have alot on your plate, and the dinner bell is ringing! You have have have to get away to get clean, this man may say he is supportive of you, but if he is a dealer, he is not going to quit his business which means more people coming and going, getting high, if I were you in this situation, I couldnt turn down that stuff. It has to be out of sight, out of mind,,,,do whatever you can to get clean because it sounds like if you test dirty, one DUI already, it's jail time...not sure what state you are in, or whatever, but in Texas, they are really harsh on that now. The best of luck to you! You have to really want this, don't matter how much you and he love each other, right now his mind is not on getting clean and that is just going to hurt you. Sorry to be so harsh, but if you don't get away from him you will not stop....just my honest opinion. im just an old addict and understand the feelings, mindset, and environment. I really wish you all the best, good luck in bankruptcy court, that cannot be fun either, keep your head up and look to your future. Everyone deserves a better life than drug dealing! I will be praying for you...peace :) michele
Hi ashleytiny85.. I wish you luck with all you are facing. I hope you do not take this wrong but I have read your threads and found them to be sad. sad from the view it is like reading about myself so many years ago. I also gave up heroin and went to speed. and yes I was the dealers dealers girl in both drugs.. No matter how attentive he is his drugs will always come before you.. You getting clean is no sweat off his back but it will be impossible where you are. then you will be up in front of the judge again till you clean out in jail.. speed may not be addicting physically but it is mentally and all these folks that have it so together I promise you it will not always be this way. It always gets away from us. dealers go down and new ones come up.. riding on his coat tails will do nothing but lead you further away and in the end leave you with nothing but more woe and worry.. take my advice get out now go home to your parents get your head on straight see a counselor face court go to the classes they will ask of you do your probation.. get involved in school do something that will impact your future. you will not be young forever, trust me you still have much to loose.. Take good care of Yourself.. lesa
I definitely wish you luck in bankruptcy court tomorrow! I'll be right behind coming this year...the economy destroyed my real estate business. Sounds like you have nothing but positive things to say about your bf and they all sound great...but it still seems like you're avoiding the point with this guy...the idea is to cut off all connections with PEOPLE WHO ENABLE YOU. Does your bf agree to help finance a place for you stay while getting clean that won't be around other enablers? Or drugs? Is he willing to keep his business out of the apt until you're clean? If he loves you, he will. If he doesn't, then how can you say he really cares about you??.......
"He isn't going to get clean though just because I got a DUII and have to do to diversion." Well if your only getting clean for the purposes of DUI diversion, I would say thats a declaration of the fact that you don't want to get clean and the only reason you're doing it is avoid further prosecution from your DUI. You can only make it happen if you really want it. If your dope dealing boyfriend that you live with wont stop having people over doing dope, selling dope, etc., then you need to find a place to stay for 2 weeks...any friend. Lock yourself away for a week with all the supplies you need and just do it. Go cold turkey. You can do it. It sounds like you've had experience with withdrawels before so maybe I'm preaching to the quire.
For me, my life fell apart this year. I moved to a new country for a woman, she got pregnant as soon as I arrived, I married her, we had the baby boy, then after 6 months I tried to get him a Passport so I had to have a DNA test done. The results came negative for me as the father! Needless to say my life fell apart immidiately thereafter (christmas time 2010) and now I'm stuck in another country for nearly one year trying to sell my house and move on. I'm completely alone here, no family and only the few friends I've made. I fell into my oxy relapse 2 months ago, but had the strength to pull myself out starting last thursday night, making this my 5th day of detoxing. I want to start 2012 differently. I want to go into the new year motivated with clear head and a positive outlook for the future, without this ****ing desease holding me down. I locked myself away in my room since thursday night and I haven't left. I'm basically caring for myself...there's a lot of good information on this forum about medicines, foods, etc., that can help you go through the process. Today i'm leaving the house for the first time in 5 days to get multivitamins...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I SO want be out from this darkness looming over me....
So, I think you should really consider making a decision immidiately. You seem like you're in the middle and from your words it almost sounds like you don't really want to get clean. Not one person on this forum can make you want to get clean...it has to come from you. You can do it and there's no real counter argument to why not getting clean and doing dope everyday while afraid of losing your job from it, drug tests for a DUI coming up, etc. This is your chance..the writing is on the wall.
"He isn't going to get clean though just because I got a DUII and have to do to diversion." Well if your only getting clean for the purposes of DUI diversion, I would say thats a declaration of the fact that you don't want to get clean and the only reason you're doing it is avoid further prosecution from your DUI. You can only make it happen if you really want it. If your dope dealing boyfriend that you live with wont stop having people over doing dope, selling dope, etc., then you need to find a place to stay for 2 weeks...any friend. Lock yourself away for a week with all the supplies you need and just do it. Go cold turkey. You can do it. It sounds like you've had experience with withdrawels before so maybe I'm preaching to the quire.
For me, my life fell apart this year. I moved to a new country for a woman, she got pregnant as soon as I arrived, I married her, we had the baby boy, then after 6 months I tried to get him a Passport so I had to have a DNA test done. The results came negative for me as the father! Needless to say my life fell apart immidiately thereafter (christmas time 2010) and now I'm stuck in another country for nearly one year trying to sell my house and move on. I'm completely alone here, no family and only the few friends I've made. I fell into my oxy relapse 2 months ago, but had the strength to pull myself out starting last thursday night, making this my 5th day of detoxing. I want to start 2012 differently. I want to go into the new year motivated with clear head and a positive outlook for the future, without this ****ing desease holding me down. I locked myself away in my room since thursday night and I haven't left. I'm basically caring for myself...there's a lot of good information on this forum about medicines, foods, etc., that can help you go through the process. Today i'm leaving the house for the first time in 5 days to get multivitamins...I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I SO want be out from this darkness looming over me....
So, I think you should really consider making a decision immidiately. You seem like you're in the middle and from your words it almost sounds like you don't really want to get clean. Not one person on this forum can make you want to get clean...it has to come from you. You can do it and there's no real counter argument to why not getting clean and doing dope everyday while afraid of losing your job from it, drug tests for a DUI coming up, etc. This is your chance..the writing is on the wall.
My bf has this completely different way of think that I have never seen in any other user and it is really REALLY weird. It doesn't seem to change him, and when it does, he still stays focused on what his priorities, obligation and responsiblities are. He has taken what some call 'a functioning addict' to a whole new level. No one would ever guess. He would be supportive of me getting clean, will be. He isn't going to get clean though just because I got a DUII and have to do to diversion. I flat out said, if this becomes too difficult, I will leave, don't know where but will. And also, I probably won't say right away when it bothers me, I tend to let something like that slide because I am suposed to just be ok with it, then end up with all this built up anger, so I told him he may need to come to me, see how I am doing with it all because i tend to shut down. Meth is not even my drug of choice. Speedballs-shooting them in my neck, straight coke and heroin. I quit those, I don't drink. no pills. I will never go back to my drug of choice becuase it feels way too good and I know for a fact that I will kill myself if I do them. The PTSD from OD's is enough. Meth, I hope that won't be a problem but I have to get it out of my system, weed, well. That saves my life and I am trying to get legal because it just slows my brain down with my anxiety to sit back and think more slow and clearly to better redirect myself. I already went through what I call my wild time. I feel I have had my bottom with jail, and this one particular OD and losing my job of 6 years. Right now, it is mostly still dealing with reckage from the past poor decisions. My bf is supporting me right now in so many ways, driving, finanaces, food, shelter, support. He is not like my ex who was violent. It is like I found someone completely opposite, but still uses. Since I left my parents again, I don't have anywhere to go now. I'm not unhappy. I am just so incredibly confused about everything in life lately and the thought crossed my mind of this fear of getting clean and then having this whole reality thing hit me. I'm just scared. Wish me luck in bankruptcy court in the morning.
You CAN do it! It's a matter of whether or not you will...after reading all your posts and everyone elses, I'm curious to ask you what his position is about you getting clean? You said he takes care of you.., is he also supporting you with your problems that your facing? When you 2 are sitting around on the couch smoking once in awhile, maybe it feels to you like it's more under control than other times in your life..or even if you're using the same..that there are other aspects of your life now (such as your bf) that are better than before so in your mind you are seeing this as some constructive connection to using. The reality is that you are addicted to your drug of choice sweetheart and you've created a tangled web of lies to decieve yourself so that you are enabling yourself! Have you ever been addicted to a drug and gone clean before? If you've done it once, you know what it takes to do it again - even though it never gets any easier!
When you wake up in the morning and you and your bf goes to work, does he have to stay just as sharp and alert as you at your job? Has he ever fallen asleep at his job and gotten written up? Do you think when he goes to work in the morning he's fretting over whether or not he can stay sharp and awake? My guess is no...and that he's staying in the apt all day smoking dope as he's selling it. Sounds like a pretty good gig right? And in the meantime he's got you on a leash...
Look, if this guy really loves you he'll support you getting clean and "take care of you" by helping you go through it. You've got over 2 weeks to get clean. You can NEVER do it in a house where people are coming in and out passing around a pipe while you're shivering, shaking, sweating, vomiting, having diahrea, headaches, no sleep, etc., etc., etc. How does that work??
Consider proposing the option of going clean with your bf together and starting your new life together the right way. What do you want in your future? Do you really want to live this way? As Recart said...it sounds like this problem will be over for you soon...because it sounds like you're about to lose everything and really hit rock bottom! If your in a cell your bf won't be there to get you high and you'll be forced to come clean. That was my revenge to a couple of herion addicts I took in as family and gave construction jobs to, after they stole everything from me after 1 year. I filed a police report, went and found them, called the police, watched them get arrested, and then saw them in court 1 month later standing in front of a judge..., clean....because he had no choice once he was in jail.
Think about your options while you still have them sweetheart...i don't know how long the stuff stays in your system, but you said 27th you have some sort of meeting you need to be clean for? Thats over 2 weeks and enough time to get yourself well enough to be presentable. It's your choice.
When you wake up in the morning and you and your bf goes to work, does he have to stay just as sharp and alert as you at your job? Has he ever fallen asleep at his job and gotten written up? Do you think when he goes to work in the morning he's fretting over whether or not he can stay sharp and awake? My guess is no...and that he's staying in the apt all day smoking dope as he's selling it. Sounds like a pretty good gig right? And in the meantime he's got you on a leash...
Look, if this guy really loves you he'll support you getting clean and "take care of you" by helping you go through it. You've got over 2 weeks to get clean. You can NEVER do it in a house where people are coming in and out passing around a pipe while you're shivering, shaking, sweating, vomiting, having diahrea, headaches, no sleep, etc., etc., etc. How does that work??
Consider proposing the option of going clean with your bf together and starting your new life together the right way. What do you want in your future? Do you really want to live this way? As Recart said...it sounds like this problem will be over for you soon...because it sounds like you're about to lose everything and really hit rock bottom! If your in a cell your bf won't be there to get you high and you'll be forced to come clean. That was my revenge to a couple of herion addicts I took in as family and gave construction jobs to, after they stole everything from me after 1 year. I filed a police report, went and found them, called the police, watched them get arrested, and then saw them in court 1 month later standing in front of a judge..., clean....because he had no choice once he was in jail.
Think about your options while you still have them sweetheart...i don't know how long the stuff stays in your system, but you said 27th you have some sort of meeting you need to be clean for? Thats over 2 weeks and enough time to get yourself well enough to be presentable. It's your choice.
This relationship continues going well. I am so scared. I can't go back home now, parents won't let me. Drug eval the 27th. I am going to have to knock my **** off and get clean. that means face a new reality and I don't know if I can do that.
You stated "It all feels so wrong but it does not feel like or appear at all that we are using, not getting high, just level out" Hmmm think about that statement, does that sound right to you? To me it sounds like an addict trying to maintain to keep yourself from getting sick. Please Please re-think that position before its too late. I wish you luck but until you stop the denial you will not be OK. I will pray for you, God Bless---Rick
I remember when you originally posted this and had often thought how u were doing, i think you u know what to believe deep down and what the right thing to do is ,were here for you
I used to go to NA all the time and do all that, and believed that drugs in a relationship will never work. I am So lucky that to be with who I am, we can talk about anything and everything, he takes care of me. Ironically enough I was going to commit suicide not too long before I met him because I felt like i hit some bottom.Now I am happy again.
I feel so much quilt though, i am doing what i said i would never do. allowing drugs to be OK. It all feels so wrong but it does not feel like or appear at all that we are using, not getting high, just level out. I don't want to get the attitude that I can now control my addiction but thats how it really feels and I don't know what to believe.
I feel so much quilt though, i am doing what i said i would never do. allowing drugs to be OK. It all feels so wrong but it does not feel like or appear at all that we are using, not getting high, just level out. I don't want to get the attitude that I can now control my addiction but thats how it really feels and I don't know what to believe.
Oh darling you can never have a drug undercontrol. Even if your not addicted and your still using once a week, once a month, once a year? It still has a hold of you! A blunt but caring statement... Is it really in your best interest to be dating this guy? Do you see eachother together in one year? Or ten? You need to prioritize yourself. I was with a drug dealer for
2 1/2 years. We both decided to get clean and I stayed clean for awhile and he started doing them secretly. One day I walked in on him in the bathroom and what was he doing? Exactly what I thought. He said he did it occasionally and had it all under control. At that point I knew I had to get out. It's extremely hard but once your clean you no longer desire certain things. Wish you all the best keep us posted
2 1/2 years. We both decided to get clean and I stayed clean for awhile and he started doing them secretly. One day I walked in on him in the bathroom and what was he doing? Exactly what I thought. He said he did it occasionally and had it all under control. At that point I knew I had to get out. It's extremely hard but once your clean you no longer desire certain things. Wish you all the best keep us posted
It has been a month now that I have been with this new guy staying at his apartment. there have not been any problems and we have such good communication, fills this empty spot with someone I can connect with. I still have not quit using but compared to before I am saving hundreds of dollars a month. I know deep down i depend on it for improving my work performance because they wrote me up saying i fell asleep on the job and my performance is going downhill. To save my job I feel I have to be alert and am scared of getting tired. What is worse is i had my second court date for my first DUII and I have to go through diversion which means no using and I don't know how I will make it and ran out of places to run
Also, just look at the title of your post...LOST!
If you were truly happy you wouldn't even be posting. To me, that is the part of you deep down inside that knows this isn't right.
We are here for you...
If you were truly happy you wouldn't even be posting. To me, that is the part of you deep down inside that knows this isn't right.
We are here for you...
I agree with everyone. You are an addict and your addiction wants you to think you have everything under control and that you are a social user.
That is what I told myself for years and then BAM, I crossed over the line into full blown addiction. Darlin, this is not a game. People die all the time from thinking they can handle it.
I'm in NA and I can't begin to tell you how many people share that someone they know just overdosed.
Sorry to be so harsh but we want what's best for you and having a bf as a dope dealer is so unhealthy.
I hope you can see that.
That is what I told myself for years and then BAM, I crossed over the line into full blown addiction. Darlin, this is not a game. People die all the time from thinking they can handle it.
I'm in NA and I can't begin to tell you how many people share that someone they know just overdosed.
Sorry to be so harsh but we want what's best for you and having a bf as a dope dealer is so unhealthy.
I hope you can see that.
Run don't walk away both of these things are going to destroy you the meth and dope dealer get out as fast as you can! i wish you all the best
All one has to do is look at some "before/after" photo's that pop up on news sites occassionally concerning people messing with crystal..They are mug shots as these people get tangled in the legal system over the past couple of years..Those pictures are worth more than a thousand words..Like someone said above?
Run!
Run!
We always want to control the drugs but unfortuately these drugs are one of the things we just can't control. And it isn't just people who have addictive personalities or major issues. It can happen to every single human on this planet. These chemicals rewire our brains and after awhile our bodies start to need it just to feel ok. I wish it were different, trust me, but from my experience and everyone I know struggling with drug problems, this is just how it is. We can't rewrite the law of addiction.
You don't need to be with a dope dealer, you deserve so much better.
You don't need to be with a dope dealer, you deserve so much better.
ashley,
you came here one month ago looking for advice about your binging. now you have a dealer as your boyfriend. this has no happy ending.
people who are coming and going passing around a crystal meth pipe do not have a normal life. there is nothing normal about that.!!!!!!
you are putting yourself at risk in so many ways.
please get out while you still can.leave that environment for your own safety.
go into intensive counseling. get to support groups everyday.
please stick with us here this time. please dont disappear again.
do you remember your last user name? i have just re-read your posts and journals. there are many hurts in your life. doing crystal meth. will not solve any of them.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie
you came here one month ago looking for advice about your binging. now you have a dealer as your boyfriend. this has no happy ending.
people who are coming and going passing around a crystal meth pipe do not have a normal life. there is nothing normal about that.!!!!!!
you are putting yourself at risk in so many ways.
please get out while you still can.leave that environment for your own safety.
go into intensive counseling. get to support groups everyday.
please stick with us here this time. please dont disappear again.
do you remember your last user name? i have just re-read your posts and journals. there are many hurts in your life. doing crystal meth. will not solve any of them.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie
This will end horribly 100% chance of that.How long have you been together? With crystal,everyone hits the wall and all of the dealers go to jail.It has never turned out any other way.sorry
No you can't. You cannot control something that is uncontrolable. I wish you could see one year into the future. You would run away as fast as possible if you could.
Get out now.
Best of luck to you, but I don't think this will turn out well at all.
Get out now.
Best of luck to you, but I don't think this will turn out well at all.
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