Aa
MONSTER PANIC - PLEASE HELP
I began Oxycodone for a spinal tumor, and it helped like nothing else for the paralyzing panic attacks that have experienced since my husband left (3 years ago.) He is a psychiatrist, and knew about my problems, but promised me that I would never be left alone. Now I am totally alone without any extended family or even close friend (because I have been crippled with panic.) The oxycodone helped incredibly, the constant terror stopped, and I was able to move forward and start putting a life together for myself.
It's not working anymore.
The pain in my spine is almost non-existent, but the panic is as bad as ever. When I wake up in the (late) morning, I just lie there and cry. I don't want to move. I can't get dressed or do anything productive.
I'm broke and lonely, not qualified for SSDI (because I raised my 2 girls. Neither will talk to me anymore because of my sadness.)
If I stop the oxy, I will probably be a total basket case.
I have a 16 yr. old daughter and a small dog, who has been my life line.
I would greatly appreciate any replies.
It's not working anymore.
The pain in my spine is almost non-existent, but the panic is as bad as ever. When I wake up in the (late) morning, I just lie there and cry. I don't want to move. I can't get dressed or do anything productive.
I'm broke and lonely, not qualified for SSDI (because I raised my 2 girls. Neither will talk to me anymore because of my sadness.)
If I stop the oxy, I will probably be a total basket case.
I have a 16 yr. old daughter and a small dog, who has been my life line.
I would greatly appreciate any replies.
The fact that you have been quite responsible with taking the oxys for your cancer pain for quite some time is what made me question whether you were in fact not an addict. I don't know how often you have abused your pills and used them solely to "treat" your anxiety. Perhaps if you can get your anxiety treated successfully, you will be able to manage your pain pill consumption.
I can only speak from my experience and that experience tells me that once I take a pill, I will have, what feels to me, an IRRISTIBLE compulsion to continue to take one pill after another after another after another after another, until I'm emotionally numb. And then the obsession will begin. I will obsess until it's time to take the next pill. I have not gotten far enough into recovery to know how to handle my pain and my addiction. Currently, my pain is taking a back seat to getting clean (fortunately MY pain is bearable). I'm on drug replacement therapy for my addiction which negates any effect of an opioid even if I were to choose to take one. I cannot get high by taking an oxy, nor can I get pain relief.
Where does that leave YOU? Annick, I can only give what I have received. At this point in my recovery, I can offer you the suggestion to attend NA meetings and to meet with your doctor. There are psychiatrists who specialize in addictions (such as alcoholism), which might be a good place for you to start looking. I know that you said that you are financially strapped. I don't recall if you said that you had insurance. I'm going to assume that you do because you are being treated for cancer. If you discover that you are an addict, there are non-narcotic ways to treat chronic pain. I've heard of Lycra mentioned on boards but know nothing about it.
You mentioned a pet. Perhaps someone in your Yoga class would be willing to watch your pet if you find that you need to go into detox in order to get your life straightened around. If that's not an option, start attending NA meetings. Let people know that you need a pet sitter in order to go into detox. You may be surprised by what addicts are willing to do to help another addict to get clean.
I wonder symptoms you have sat down and spoken about to your doctor? Does your doctor know that you are experiencing crippling anxiety? Annick, I can't stress too much that your anxiety very well may be getting worse because of your physical dependence on the oxys. I know that you found my one post to be very complicated. What it did say (and maybe you didn't catch) was that, when dependent on opioids, your brain will tell you that your life is in danger when the opioid level gets too low in your system. It will try to convince you that YOU WILL DIE if you don't take a pill. Why? Because the pill has fooled your brain into actually believing that you will die if you don't take the pill. Now THAT'S anxiety like no other anxiety!! That's why you need to speak to a doctor. If you need to go through detox or need to taper off the medicine (and replace it with a non-narcotic pain reliever), your doctor can give you something for the anxiety.
Annick, I know the "YOU WILL DIE" feeling of withdrawal. It kept me from quitting cold turkey several times. It's a horrible feeling. But, it can be lessened with certain medicines during detox or even while tapering.
Please post and let us know what you have spoken about to your doctor. Okay? And let us know how you are today. I can't sit down across the table from you and comfort you. All the same, I want you to know that you aren't completely alone. There are those who care. Do you belong to any other support forums? I belong to several. I find that having a variety of experiences helps me.
I can only speak from my experience and that experience tells me that once I take a pill, I will have, what feels to me, an IRRISTIBLE compulsion to continue to take one pill after another after another after another after another, until I'm emotionally numb. And then the obsession will begin. I will obsess until it's time to take the next pill. I have not gotten far enough into recovery to know how to handle my pain and my addiction. Currently, my pain is taking a back seat to getting clean (fortunately MY pain is bearable). I'm on drug replacement therapy for my addiction which negates any effect of an opioid even if I were to choose to take one. I cannot get high by taking an oxy, nor can I get pain relief.
Where does that leave YOU? Annick, I can only give what I have received. At this point in my recovery, I can offer you the suggestion to attend NA meetings and to meet with your doctor. There are psychiatrists who specialize in addictions (such as alcoholism), which might be a good place for you to start looking. I know that you said that you are financially strapped. I don't recall if you said that you had insurance. I'm going to assume that you do because you are being treated for cancer. If you discover that you are an addict, there are non-narcotic ways to treat chronic pain. I've heard of Lycra mentioned on boards but know nothing about it.
You mentioned a pet. Perhaps someone in your Yoga class would be willing to watch your pet if you find that you need to go into detox in order to get your life straightened around. If that's not an option, start attending NA meetings. Let people know that you need a pet sitter in order to go into detox. You may be surprised by what addicts are willing to do to help another addict to get clean.
I wonder symptoms you have sat down and spoken about to your doctor? Does your doctor know that you are experiencing crippling anxiety? Annick, I can't stress too much that your anxiety very well may be getting worse because of your physical dependence on the oxys. I know that you found my one post to be very complicated. What it did say (and maybe you didn't catch) was that, when dependent on opioids, your brain will tell you that your life is in danger when the opioid level gets too low in your system. It will try to convince you that YOU WILL DIE if you don't take a pill. Why? Because the pill has fooled your brain into actually believing that you will die if you don't take the pill. Now THAT'S anxiety like no other anxiety!! That's why you need to speak to a doctor. If you need to go through detox or need to taper off the medicine (and replace it with a non-narcotic pain reliever), your doctor can give you something for the anxiety.
Annick, I know the "YOU WILL DIE" feeling of withdrawal. It kept me from quitting cold turkey several times. It's a horrible feeling. But, it can be lessened with certain medicines during detox or even while tapering.
Please post and let us know what you have spoken about to your doctor. Okay? And let us know how you are today. I can't sit down across the table from you and comfort you. All the same, I want you to know that you aren't completely alone. There are those who care. Do you belong to any other support forums? I belong to several. I find that having a variety of experiences helps me.
Good evening, I am so happy to see that the members of this forum have taken so much time and put in so much heart to your story.
I do know something about depression. I hve suffered for many years. I lot my twins, a boy and a girl, when I was 5 months pregant. I thought I would never live again. It was the worset lose I had. I had at that time 3 older children, and yes I was greatful to have them, they were not my twins. I was so depressed I called my mom and told her she would have to come and get my children. She told me NO!!! get on the phone and call the nurses at the hosp and ask for help.
It sounds to me that you have hit the bottom of your lifes bucket, sooo it is only up from here. Please speak to a doc, I understand how the oxys make you feel happy, they did that for me. My husband had an affair on me, I could not even breath, but I took my DOC and felt a whole hell of a lot better. They made me happy.
Perhaps the oxys hit different receptors in your brain and that is why the pills make you happy and able to live your life.
Do you have a minister or church family you could turn to? Look into your community for help.
I will pray for you.
Morganave
I do know something about depression. I hve suffered for many years. I lot my twins, a boy and a girl, when I was 5 months pregant. I thought I would never live again. It was the worset lose I had. I had at that time 3 older children, and yes I was greatful to have them, they were not my twins. I was so depressed I called my mom and told her she would have to come and get my children. She told me NO!!! get on the phone and call the nurses at the hosp and ask for help.
It sounds to me that you have hit the bottom of your lifes bucket, sooo it is only up from here. Please speak to a doc, I understand how the oxys make you feel happy, they did that for me. My husband had an affair on me, I could not even breath, but I took my DOC and felt a whole hell of a lot better. They made me happy.
Perhaps the oxys hit different receptors in your brain and that is why the pills make you happy and able to live your life.
Do you have a minister or church family you could turn to? Look into your community for help.
I will pray for you.
Morganave
I'm not sure. I'm overwhelmed with responsibility, don't sleep properly, and my panic levels are off the charts.
I'm trying to teach yoga, and DO have legitimate pain from cancer, but I'm trying to get some control over my life. I can't take care of my responsibilities while paralyzed with anxiety.
I'm trying to teach yoga, and DO have legitimate pain from cancer, but I'm trying to get some control over my life. I can't take care of my responsibilities while paralyzed with anxiety.
This all has become too complicated and confusing.
I read that and my heart melted. I analyze my addiction to death because it is so hard for me to accept it. I can admit it but have not accepted it. I spend so much time and energy trying to come to a place of acceptance while, at the same time, I can't seem to stop running from it.
The fact that you DO take some extra to face anxiety-filled moments, shoults out addict-behavior. So... let's go from there (back to why you started this thread) because an addict cannot be prescribed an opioid for anxiety or depression.
Have you ever attended an NA meeting? You need only have the desire to quit in order to attend. (An open AA meeting is another option.) Attending a meeting would be my first suggestion. You don't have to say anything, just listen. It's much better to face dealing with an addiction when you have face to face support. Do you think that you could do a meeting?
I read that and my heart melted. I analyze my addiction to death because it is so hard for me to accept it. I can admit it but have not accepted it. I spend so much time and energy trying to come to a place of acceptance while, at the same time, I can't seem to stop running from it.
The fact that you DO take some extra to face anxiety-filled moments, shoults out addict-behavior. So... let's go from there (back to why you started this thread) because an addict cannot be prescribed an opioid for anxiety or depression.
Have you ever attended an NA meeting? You need only have the desire to quit in order to attend. (An open AA meeting is another option.) Attending a meeting would be my first suggestion. You don't have to say anything, just listen. It's much better to face dealing with an addiction when you have face to face support. Do you think that you could do a meeting?
I hope to get back soon with a more thorough reply, but I haven't slept all night, and I'm going to be brief:
I don't know about craving. I really cannot tolerate anxiety anymore - it has really destroyed my life. (The anxiety is far worse than the medication or fears around it.)
When I am late for a dose, I start having a panic attack because the anxiety kicks in. I cannot miss a dose. Every once in a while, I DO take some extra because of anxiety. Any fear-arrousing situation will set it off, mostly to do with my children's nastiness or calls from collection agencies (my ex left me with a financial mess on my hands.)
We also get into desperate situations sometimes which I am trying to resolve. I am living on the very edge financially, literally hand-to-mouth. I am always frightened, and the collectors do not let up (even though I have explained the situation.)
I don't have a lawyer, and I am absolutely depleted. I hate the idea of being dependent or addicted (to anything, including people.)
I've heard that oxycontin is harder to get off than oxycodone, and that is why the doctor hasn't switched me yet. I'm not sure what to do. This all has become too complicated and confusing.
love,
Annick
I don't know about craving. I really cannot tolerate anxiety anymore - it has really destroyed my life. (The anxiety is far worse than the medication or fears around it.)
When I am late for a dose, I start having a panic attack because the anxiety kicks in. I cannot miss a dose. Every once in a while, I DO take some extra because of anxiety. Any fear-arrousing situation will set it off, mostly to do with my children's nastiness or calls from collection agencies (my ex left me with a financial mess on my hands.)
We also get into desperate situations sometimes which I am trying to resolve. I am living on the very edge financially, literally hand-to-mouth. I am always frightened, and the collectors do not let up (even though I have explained the situation.)
I don't have a lawyer, and I am absolutely depleted. I hate the idea of being dependent or addicted (to anything, including people.)
I've heard that oxycontin is harder to get off than oxycodone, and that is why the doctor hasn't switched me yet. I'm not sure what to do. This all has become too complicated and confusing.
love,
Annick
Okay, first thing, I think that it's only fair to acknowledge that you have been through hell. I'm sorry for what you have had to endure. Are you a person of faith? Prayer can help you to get over the pain of your past. I think that you are short-changing yourself if you don't continue to seek counseling (spiritual based, I would suggest) for the many issues in your past. You can be healed of them. Many people have. Because I'm only starting to address issues of my past, I can't tell you how long that will take or give you any specifics. I can only encourage you to keep holding onto hope and to seek out help.
As far as the oxycodone addiction/dependence: your situation sounds more like dependence than addiction to me. Of course, I'm only basing my opinion on the information that you are telling me. Addicts lie and they are good at denial (that is not a judgment, Annick. Remember, I am an addict. I struggle with denial even when I know that I'm IN denial. I never thought such a thing possible. After all, if you know that you're denying, shouldn't you be able to change it? I've learned that it isn't that simple.) So, if you are an addict and you are in denial, what I'm going to tell you is not going to help you much, but then again... maybe it will. Maybe it will help you to get you out of denial.
Becoming anxious when an opiate or opioid get low in a depend person's system(oxycodone is an opioid, heroin is an example of an opiate) is NORMAL. It's a NORMAL symtom of withdrawal (referred to as w/d from here on out). It DOES NOT indicate that you are an ADDICT. It merely indicates that you are physically dependent... a natural condition for someone who has been on an opioid for a long enough period of time. Increasing your dose from 10mg every 4 hours to 20mg every 4 hours over the course of a year to control pain is also NORMAL for a pain patient on an opioid. It's due to the fact that you build a tolerance to the medication. I hope that I am only repeating what your doctor has assured you.
Here is a list of typical withdrawal symptoms (I copied them from an information site, so you can be assured that they are not just my opinion):
Sweating, Chills, Abdominal cramps, Insomnia, Nausea, Loss of appetite, Vomiting,
Diarrhea, Restlessness, Watery eyes, Muscle pain, Dilated (wide open) pupils, Runny nose, Yawning, Irritability, ANXIETY, Backaches, Joint pain, Weakness, High blood pressure, Fast breathing, A rapid heart rate.
The site goes on to indicate: While unpleasant, these symptoms are not usually dangerous.
Why Does Withdrawal Occur?
Over time, the body becomes accustomed to the effects of oxycodone. If the drug is stopped too quickly, withdrawal symptoms may occur. Oxycodone withdrawal can occur with chronic, legitimate use of the drug, as well as with oxycodone abuse. Withdrawal is a normal, predictable, physical response to stopping medications like oxycodone; it is not necessarily a sign of abuse. (You might want to copy this, print it out, and show it to your daughter).
As an opioid addict who has experienced w/d, I think that it's interesting to note that one of my most feared symptoms is not listed above for those experienced by a dependent individual. It's a phenomenon called CRAVING. Of all the symptoms of withdrawal that weaken my resolve, it's anxiety and craving. I know that you experience the anxiety but you do you crave the oxycodone, Annick?
I have never read a definition of craving, so I can only describe what I experience. It's more than temptation or wanting. It's more like a need. Have you ever longed with all your heart to have someone whom you love, love you back? If so... can you imagine what that yearning feels like? When you don't have your oxycodone, do you have that feeling along with the feeling that you need to fill something inside you that only the oxycodone can fill. It's joined to the anxiety that you're already feeling. Sometimes just the thought gives you chills, your mouth sometimes will salivate, and you might even taste it in the back of your throat. That is craving and it is as strong as any drive that we, as human, experience. There is a near desperate need to to satisfy it. For me, Annick, it is one of the most shameful things that I have ever experienced. It is when I most feel like an addict. (I'm still struggling to accept the fact that I'm an addict.)
Some of the signs that family and friends (and the individual herself) should look for to determine if a loved one (or self) is addicted and not merely dependent (and therefore is an addict) are (these also came from an informational site):
Going through an oxycodone prescription too quickly.
"Doctor shopping," which is seeing several different healthcare providers to obtain numerous oxycodone prescriptions or switching from one provider to another.
Repeated reports of losing a prescription, having a prescription stolen, or needing a prescription early to go on vacation.
Friends and family can also keep an eye out for other signs of oxycodone addiction, such as:
Secluded behavior, often needing to spend large amounts of time alone
Stealing, lying, or other dishonest behavior
An unexplainable lack of money
Changes in social circles, such as abandoning good friends and replacing them with new ones
Unexplained changes in mood or behaviors.
Annick, the reason that I have gone into all of this detail is because there is a HUGE difference between being dependent on oxys and being addicted to them. If you are experiencing dependency, your best move is to speak to your doctor and see what he would suggest. Maybe it would be a good idea to be prescribed a long-acting opioid such as oxycontin that won't give you the short-term spikes of immediate release oxycodone. I think that would do a lot to alleviate your anxiety. The beauty of opioids is that they work in our brain in such a way that they not only relieve pain but, because they mirror our natural feel good endorphines, they can also relieve depression and anxiety. If in treating your pain, you get the added benefit of your depression and anxiety being relieved THAT'S WONDERFUL! It would be ideal if you can get you doctor to take this into consideration so that he can keep your depression/anxiety issues in mind as he treats your pain issues.
I'll be honest with you, this might be difficult. Many doctors (meaning most if not all in your area), will be like your daughter and afraid that you are merely an addict and that is why you want to manipulate your opioid. Nevertheless, you need to be honest with your doctor. Even if you are sure that the only way to change your medicine is to lie to your doctor, you have to resist doing so. Research the effectiveness of opioids in treating depression and anxiety and keep looking for a doctor who might be progressive enough to treat both. Keep in mind that as soon as you stop being honest with your physician (even if your intentions are good), you will need to consider the possibility that you might indeed be an addict in denial. Even if/when you find a doctor willing to look at the whole picture, if you build a tolerance too quickly, the wearing off of the medications effectiveness will undo any benefit.
All of this being said, you may have read the above and and determined, "Oh, no! I really think that I'm addicted and not just dependent." If that's the case, just post that and we'll go on from there, too. There is hope for addicts as well, Annick. If I didn't believe that there was hope (in spite of how messed up my life STILL is), I wouldn't be posting here.
Whatever you decide. I'd be happy to continue with you, as a friend who doesn't know a lot about all this but who is willing to stick with you, and to help you to figure it out.
(Because this is such a long post, I have not really proofed it. I apologize for typos, etc.)
As far as the oxycodone addiction/dependence: your situation sounds more like dependence than addiction to me. Of course, I'm only basing my opinion on the information that you are telling me. Addicts lie and they are good at denial (that is not a judgment, Annick. Remember, I am an addict. I struggle with denial even when I know that I'm IN denial. I never thought such a thing possible. After all, if you know that you're denying, shouldn't you be able to change it? I've learned that it isn't that simple.) So, if you are an addict and you are in denial, what I'm going to tell you is not going to help you much, but then again... maybe it will. Maybe it will help you to get you out of denial.
Becoming anxious when an opiate or opioid get low in a depend person's system(oxycodone is an opioid, heroin is an example of an opiate) is NORMAL. It's a NORMAL symtom of withdrawal (referred to as w/d from here on out). It DOES NOT indicate that you are an ADDICT. It merely indicates that you are physically dependent... a natural condition for someone who has been on an opioid for a long enough period of time. Increasing your dose from 10mg every 4 hours to 20mg every 4 hours over the course of a year to control pain is also NORMAL for a pain patient on an opioid. It's due to the fact that you build a tolerance to the medication. I hope that I am only repeating what your doctor has assured you.
Here is a list of typical withdrawal symptoms (I copied them from an information site, so you can be assured that they are not just my opinion):
Sweating, Chills, Abdominal cramps, Insomnia, Nausea, Loss of appetite, Vomiting,
Diarrhea, Restlessness, Watery eyes, Muscle pain, Dilated (wide open) pupils, Runny nose, Yawning, Irritability, ANXIETY, Backaches, Joint pain, Weakness, High blood pressure, Fast breathing, A rapid heart rate.
The site goes on to indicate: While unpleasant, these symptoms are not usually dangerous.
Why Does Withdrawal Occur?
Over time, the body becomes accustomed to the effects of oxycodone. If the drug is stopped too quickly, withdrawal symptoms may occur. Oxycodone withdrawal can occur with chronic, legitimate use of the drug, as well as with oxycodone abuse. Withdrawal is a normal, predictable, physical response to stopping medications like oxycodone; it is not necessarily a sign of abuse. (You might want to copy this, print it out, and show it to your daughter).
As an opioid addict who has experienced w/d, I think that it's interesting to note that one of my most feared symptoms is not listed above for those experienced by a dependent individual. It's a phenomenon called CRAVING. Of all the symptoms of withdrawal that weaken my resolve, it's anxiety and craving. I know that you experience the anxiety but you do you crave the oxycodone, Annick?
I have never read a definition of craving, so I can only describe what I experience. It's more than temptation or wanting. It's more like a need. Have you ever longed with all your heart to have someone whom you love, love you back? If so... can you imagine what that yearning feels like? When you don't have your oxycodone, do you have that feeling along with the feeling that you need to fill something inside you that only the oxycodone can fill. It's joined to the anxiety that you're already feeling. Sometimes just the thought gives you chills, your mouth sometimes will salivate, and you might even taste it in the back of your throat. That is craving and it is as strong as any drive that we, as human, experience. There is a near desperate need to to satisfy it. For me, Annick, it is one of the most shameful things that I have ever experienced. It is when I most feel like an addict. (I'm still struggling to accept the fact that I'm an addict.)
Some of the signs that family and friends (and the individual herself) should look for to determine if a loved one (or self) is addicted and not merely dependent (and therefore is an addict) are (these also came from an informational site):
Going through an oxycodone prescription too quickly.
"Doctor shopping," which is seeing several different healthcare providers to obtain numerous oxycodone prescriptions or switching from one provider to another.
Repeated reports of losing a prescription, having a prescription stolen, or needing a prescription early to go on vacation.
Friends and family can also keep an eye out for other signs of oxycodone addiction, such as:
Secluded behavior, often needing to spend large amounts of time alone
Stealing, lying, or other dishonest behavior
An unexplainable lack of money
Changes in social circles, such as abandoning good friends and replacing them with new ones
Unexplained changes in mood or behaviors.
Annick, the reason that I have gone into all of this detail is because there is a HUGE difference between being dependent on oxys and being addicted to them. If you are experiencing dependency, your best move is to speak to your doctor and see what he would suggest. Maybe it would be a good idea to be prescribed a long-acting opioid such as oxycontin that won't give you the short-term spikes of immediate release oxycodone. I think that would do a lot to alleviate your anxiety. The beauty of opioids is that they work in our brain in such a way that they not only relieve pain but, because they mirror our natural feel good endorphines, they can also relieve depression and anxiety. If in treating your pain, you get the added benefit of your depression and anxiety being relieved THAT'S WONDERFUL! It would be ideal if you can get you doctor to take this into consideration so that he can keep your depression/anxiety issues in mind as he treats your pain issues.
I'll be honest with you, this might be difficult. Many doctors (meaning most if not all in your area), will be like your daughter and afraid that you are merely an addict and that is why you want to manipulate your opioid. Nevertheless, you need to be honest with your doctor. Even if you are sure that the only way to change your medicine is to lie to your doctor, you have to resist doing so. Research the effectiveness of opioids in treating depression and anxiety and keep looking for a doctor who might be progressive enough to treat both. Keep in mind that as soon as you stop being honest with your physician (even if your intentions are good), you will need to consider the possibility that you might indeed be an addict in denial. Even if/when you find a doctor willing to look at the whole picture, if you build a tolerance too quickly, the wearing off of the medications effectiveness will undo any benefit.
All of this being said, you may have read the above and and determined, "Oh, no! I really think that I'm addicted and not just dependent." If that's the case, just post that and we'll go on from there, too. There is hope for addicts as well, Annick. If I didn't believe that there was hope (in spite of how messed up my life STILL is), I wouldn't be posting here.
Whatever you decide. I'd be happy to continue with you, as a friend who doesn't know a lot about all this but who is willing to stick with you, and to help you to figure it out.
(Because this is such a long post, I have not really proofed it. I apologize for typos, etc.)
((Hug)) I can't type this morning, but will be back later. Just wanted to let you know that I read this. Hang in there. I want you to survive too.
Thank you for your reply. I am very grateful for this type of feedback.
I have been in therapy for depression since I was 13. I took myself for help when my stepfather tried to rape me at gunpoint. (I'm sorry to make this sound so clinical, but I've been through it a million times with too many doctors and therapists to count.) There were a lot of other problems in my life: abandonment in infancy, daily beatings until age 6, and a series of deaths in my family (7 immediate relatives in about 6 years from heart attacks.) All of this happened by the time I was 16.
I just wanted to give you a very compressed idea of my background.
I worked my way into medical school, married a fellow student, and left school to raise my child (then children.) My husband got into Mass General for residency, and I was scraping by, raising the children (the eldest was very difficult.)
The depressions were always there, sometimes a little better, sometimes terrible. I used every resource at my disposal to protect the children, give them an excellent education and enchanted childhood, and I truly loved my husband.
He left six years ago, but left me with a decent amount of support so that I could raise the children, though with no emotional support. (I have no surviving family.) I really believed that we would put our marriage back together, and spent a fortune during this time getting the best psychological help in Boston. Three years ago, he hired a pit-bull of a lawyer and began divorce proceedings (for reasons that remain unclear to me.) The judge and lawyer knew each other, and the judge reduced our support to almost 0. I borrowed, begged, and got food from pantries to get through this. I couldn't afford a lawyer, and legal aid was overwhelmed and not coming through.
I really fell apart emotionally and, soon after, physically. About a year ago, I got the diagnosis of spinal cancer. I have been fighting this thing, and was put on oxycodone for pain relief. It started with 10 mg., 4x daily, and was increased to 20 mg., 4x daily. (I'm sorry - I wrote that I was taking 160 mg. daily somewhere, and that's not correct.)
The oxycodone, besides relieving pain (along with injections, lidocaine patches, and ice) also alleviated the constant, gnawing terror that I have been treated for (unsuccessfully) for over 30 years. The divorce and losing my family, any sense of financial security, and the illness completely did me in. I really though seriously about suicide (which I don't want to do. I appreciate the gift of life. But there is only so much pain that a human soul can take.)
I'm very isolated: I have a wonderful little dog, and my younger daughter is helpful at times (she is also very depressed, and only 16 - she feels like she's carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and is very withdrawn,) and my older daughter 21, who has never helped me a bit through this ordeal, except for paying the gas bill. She doesn't talk to me, look at me, and offered zero emotional support throughout this whole ordeal. (Now she calls me an addict. "You wanted [the oxy] and said that it was the only thing that helped you. Now you're in trouble and I'm not helping you") She, BTW, was given the best of everything. She left college in the middle of her second year to chase some guy to Greece, came home crying and started bartending, and hangs out with men who are alcoholics - she has passed out on my floor several times. I hate to say this, but I really dislike her. She has adopted the same mantra as her father, "There's ALWAYS something wrong with her." (meaning me)
About the oxy - at 80 mg. a day, I experience some intense anxiety as the meds wear off (after 4 hours.) I try to hold on until the full 6 hours, and am usually successful. My cancer is close to remission, but I still have pain at the site of the primary tumour. (It's not unbearable.) When I fall asleep, and wake at 6 hours, I'm in total terror. That is the worst for me. Sometimes I wake in a pool of sweat and cry a lot.I feel very guilty and frightened of taking the medication, but if I try to taper I am just in bad shape. I can't cope with this life.
I need to stop here.
I am VERY grateful for your input, and I will answer any questions - I have nothing to hide at this point. I want to survive.
Annick
I have been in therapy for depression since I was 13. I took myself for help when my stepfather tried to rape me at gunpoint. (I'm sorry to make this sound so clinical, but I've been through it a million times with too many doctors and therapists to count.) There were a lot of other problems in my life: abandonment in infancy, daily beatings until age 6, and a series of deaths in my family (7 immediate relatives in about 6 years from heart attacks.) All of this happened by the time I was 16.
I just wanted to give you a very compressed idea of my background.
I worked my way into medical school, married a fellow student, and left school to raise my child (then children.) My husband got into Mass General for residency, and I was scraping by, raising the children (the eldest was very difficult.)
The depressions were always there, sometimes a little better, sometimes terrible. I used every resource at my disposal to protect the children, give them an excellent education and enchanted childhood, and I truly loved my husband.
He left six years ago, but left me with a decent amount of support so that I could raise the children, though with no emotional support. (I have no surviving family.) I really believed that we would put our marriage back together, and spent a fortune during this time getting the best psychological help in Boston. Three years ago, he hired a pit-bull of a lawyer and began divorce proceedings (for reasons that remain unclear to me.) The judge and lawyer knew each other, and the judge reduced our support to almost 0. I borrowed, begged, and got food from pantries to get through this. I couldn't afford a lawyer, and legal aid was overwhelmed and not coming through.
I really fell apart emotionally and, soon after, physically. About a year ago, I got the diagnosis of spinal cancer. I have been fighting this thing, and was put on oxycodone for pain relief. It started with 10 mg., 4x daily, and was increased to 20 mg., 4x daily. (I'm sorry - I wrote that I was taking 160 mg. daily somewhere, and that's not correct.)
The oxycodone, besides relieving pain (along with injections, lidocaine patches, and ice) also alleviated the constant, gnawing terror that I have been treated for (unsuccessfully) for over 30 years. The divorce and losing my family, any sense of financial security, and the illness completely did me in. I really though seriously about suicide (which I don't want to do. I appreciate the gift of life. But there is only so much pain that a human soul can take.)
I'm very isolated: I have a wonderful little dog, and my younger daughter is helpful at times (she is also very depressed, and only 16 - she feels like she's carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and is very withdrawn,) and my older daughter 21, who has never helped me a bit through this ordeal, except for paying the gas bill. She doesn't talk to me, look at me, and offered zero emotional support throughout this whole ordeal. (Now she calls me an addict. "You wanted [the oxy] and said that it was the only thing that helped you. Now you're in trouble and I'm not helping you") She, BTW, was given the best of everything. She left college in the middle of her second year to chase some guy to Greece, came home crying and started bartending, and hangs out with men who are alcoholics - she has passed out on my floor several times. I hate to say this, but I really dislike her. She has adopted the same mantra as her father, "There's ALWAYS something wrong with her." (meaning me)
About the oxy - at 80 mg. a day, I experience some intense anxiety as the meds wear off (after 4 hours.) I try to hold on until the full 6 hours, and am usually successful. My cancer is close to remission, but I still have pain at the site of the primary tumour. (It's not unbearable.) When I fall asleep, and wake at 6 hours, I'm in total terror. That is the worst for me. Sometimes I wake in a pool of sweat and cry a lot.I feel very guilty and frightened of taking the medication, but if I try to taper I am just in bad shape. I can't cope with this life.
I need to stop here.
I am VERY grateful for your input, and I will answer any questions - I have nothing to hide at this point. I want to survive.
Annick
I'm not convinced that you are an addict. You may simply be a person with extreme anxiety who has become dependent on a medication that she is taking "off label", as they say, for her condition. Can you give me the history of your oxy use? I'm not pretending to be a doctor or drug counselor. I'm just wondering if maybe we can look at this thing together.
I discovered that I was an addict when I couldn't control the amount of oxy that I was taking. I thought that the stuff worked like a charm for my anxiety (a medicine that hadn't even been prescribed for me). It did work at first, but I could not control my compulsion to keep taking more and more. It consumed my thinking and became the most important aspect of my living.
Opiates are used on occasion for depression (I don't know about anxiety) and that is why I was suggested that maybe it is something that you could look into. For the individual who is not an addict, it can be a treatment with far fewer side effects than many psychotropic drugs. Tolerance is a major side effect of course. However, if the rate of tolerance isn't unreasonable, it still may be a viable possibility. Again... all of this is only possible if you are completely honest with a doctor and can find a doctor willing to prescribe opioids off label AND (big and) you are not an addict.
Annick, I think that it would be a good idea to address my first two paragraphs and see if you are in fact an addict. If it ends up that you are merely physically dependent, you may find that such a realization may relieve a portion of your anxiety. Addiction is a frightening disease for those of use who have lived "upstanding" lives to confront. Have you ever seen anyone who specializes in addictions? Do you have any other addictive or obsessive/compulsive characteristics? And what is a psychopharm (I'm assuming that you are not in the US)?
Sorry about all the questions, but I'd like to see if there is something that we can discover together that can help to head you in a direction other than to where I see you headed: despair.
I discovered that I was an addict when I couldn't control the amount of oxy that I was taking. I thought that the stuff worked like a charm for my anxiety (a medicine that hadn't even been prescribed for me). It did work at first, but I could not control my compulsion to keep taking more and more. It consumed my thinking and became the most important aspect of my living.
Opiates are used on occasion for depression (I don't know about anxiety) and that is why I was suggested that maybe it is something that you could look into. For the individual who is not an addict, it can be a treatment with far fewer side effects than many psychotropic drugs. Tolerance is a major side effect of course. However, if the rate of tolerance isn't unreasonable, it still may be a viable possibility. Again... all of this is only possible if you are completely honest with a doctor and can find a doctor willing to prescribe opioids off label AND (big and) you are not an addict.
Annick, I think that it would be a good idea to address my first two paragraphs and see if you are in fact an addict. If it ends up that you are merely physically dependent, you may find that such a realization may relieve a portion of your anxiety. Addiction is a frightening disease for those of use who have lived "upstanding" lives to confront. Have you ever seen anyone who specializes in addictions? Do you have any other addictive or obsessive/compulsive characteristics? And what is a psychopharm (I'm assuming that you are not in the US)?
Sorry about all the questions, but I'd like to see if there is something that we can discover together that can help to head you in a direction other than to where I see you headed: despair.
That is exactly what happened here. I have had SO MUCH trauma in my life, that I have not been able to function for a long time.When my husband left (leaving me with a ton of bills, two difficult teenagers and zero assets) I completely broke down. All of my coping mechanisms dissipated and I have not been able to get back on my feet at all. My children (16 + 21) see me as weak, although I have held the home together for them, went through cancer treatment absolutely alone, left med school to raise them, and have absolutely NO family left to turn to. I am about to lose my apartment because I can't keep up with the rent. My last vacation was in 1996, I wear the same stupid clothes every day (which are becoming ragged,) and can't even pay the **** co-pays on my insurance.
I can't cope. I don't know who would be able to.
The psychopharm put me on SEROQUEL for panic (I call it terror, because that is a much closer descriptive.) It made me into a zombie. I will NEVER take meds like that again, ever.
Here's the kicker: I have never used drugs EVER in my life, other than prescribed. Not even a puff of weed. The kids always made fun of me when I was a teenager, calling me goodie-two-shoes, etc.
Now I'm an addict. And I'm always sad, too.
I can't cope. I don't know who would be able to.
The psychopharm put me on SEROQUEL for panic (I call it terror, because that is a much closer descriptive.) It made me into a zombie. I will NEVER take meds like that again, ever.
Here's the kicker: I have never used drugs EVER in my life, other than prescribed. Not even a puff of weed. The kids always made fun of me when I was a teenager, calling me goodie-two-shoes, etc.
Now I'm an addict. And I'm always sad, too.
I sure do know how you feel.You are not alone.I too thought that the vicodin helped with the anxiety and they did now I am up to 100 mg a day and frozen with paralyzing anxiety.It has turned on me more ways than 1.I do not get a prescription so have to buy them off people and the cost is killing me.I am on 10 mg of lexapro a day and have been for about 2 months and I think that is making the anxiety worse.I have read a few horror stories about lexapro and I am going to start weening off that today.I am still using at the moment but getting things ready for a cold turkey detox soon.Like maybe tomorrow.I am scared to death but I know I have to do it.The guilt when using is killing me.I fear the anxiety is going to get worse and that scares the **** out of me.Every time I have cold turkey ed I don't sleep for close to 2 weeks and the anxiety and low energy suck the life out of me.Enough of my **** I just wanted you to know that you are not alone here.I hope things work out well for you soon.Hang in there.
Please hang in there. Try to get some kind of help. IF you have a DVD player I have a Yoga DVD I can send you in the mail if you are interested I only have used it once and I think you would love it. Please let me know and I would be more than happy to mail it to you.
I understand about not wanting to leave your dog. Try to get out and to some meetings. They really do help and I always feel so much better after. The way you sound---you should get out to a meeting and meet some new people.
Downey
Downey
I'm going to suggest something that for an opioid addict is rather insane to suggest: it's opioid treatment for anxiety.
I have heard of people who have tried every medicine created for depression, which doesn't work for them, who are finally prescribed opioids (off label of course) for their depression. I only suffered with anxiety symptoms for a couple weeks before I turned to the oxys and found relief. I'm hopeful that, by the time I'm steeped in a recovery program and have finished with replacements, I will not have the anxiety.
All this all is assuming, of course that your oxy addiction is due solely to you trying to medicate your anxiety, something that can be very difficult for the addict to determine accurately.
I have come to believe that my addiction (though not active at the time) led me to have anxiety which led me to start self-medicating with oxys. But, if anxiety is truly at the core of your oxy dependence, not addiction, there might be a chance that you may find a doctor who would be willing to try treating it with opioids.
What is your using history? Have you tried drug counseling or NA?
I have heard of people who have tried every medicine created for depression, which doesn't work for them, who are finally prescribed opioids (off label of course) for their depression. I only suffered with anxiety symptoms for a couple weeks before I turned to the oxys and found relief. I'm hopeful that, by the time I'm steeped in a recovery program and have finished with replacements, I will not have the anxiety.
All this all is assuming, of course that your oxy addiction is due solely to you trying to medicate your anxiety, something that can be very difficult for the addict to determine accurately.
I have come to believe that my addiction (though not active at the time) led me to have anxiety which led me to start self-medicating with oxys. But, if anxiety is truly at the core of your oxy dependence, not addiction, there might be a chance that you may find a doctor who would be willing to try treating it with opioids.
What is your using history? Have you tried drug counseling or NA?
Thank you for all of the responses.
I'm afraid to go into rehab and leave my dog and I'm actually trained (pretty extensively) in yoga. I'm just too scattered. I can't seem to DO anything. Anything that evokes the slightest hint of anxiety, I avoid like the plague.
I'm miserable and just want this all to end.
I thought that oxys were finally the answer to my uncontrollable anxiety (I have tried EVERYTHING.) The doctor began giving me Seroquel to control anxiety, which made me into a zombie. And valium, clonopin, etc. knocks me out before it hits the anxiety, so they're useless too. Oxys would be perfect if they weren't addicting. I'm angry. I've struggled with this **** for so long and wasted a ton of money on NOTHING. (Meaning therapists, psychiatrists, drugs.)
When I go even into slight withdrawal (1/2 hour late on a dose,) I can't breathe or move and I feel like I'm going insane. The effects of the meds start wearing off after 3.5-4 hours. The last two are painful (chills, depression, panic.) I truly hate my life.
I'm afraid to go into rehab and leave my dog and I'm actually trained (pretty extensively) in yoga. I'm just too scattered. I can't seem to DO anything. Anything that evokes the slightest hint of anxiety, I avoid like the plague.
I'm miserable and just want this all to end.
I thought that oxys were finally the answer to my uncontrollable anxiety (I have tried EVERYTHING.) The doctor began giving me Seroquel to control anxiety, which made me into a zombie. And valium, clonopin, etc. knocks me out before it hits the anxiety, so they're useless too. Oxys would be perfect if they weren't addicting. I'm angry. I've struggled with this **** for so long and wasted a ton of money on NOTHING. (Meaning therapists, psychiatrists, drugs.)
When I go even into slight withdrawal (1/2 hour late on a dose,) I can't breathe or move and I feel like I'm going insane. The effects of the meds start wearing off after 3.5-4 hours. The last two are painful (chills, depression, panic.) I truly hate my life.
yoga is wonderful...and there r tapes u can buy for next to nuttin....the Flow Series...Gaim makes it...starring tracey rich and ganga white...google it....it can take ur mind miles away and also help pain/anxity/depression and weight gain/3 tapes/earth, water and fire/...do sumpin that makes u feel good....yoga makes me feel good...plenty of other avenues....do u have alot of time on ur hands? there r things u can explore to help that as welll
The reason that I first picked up oxys was for anxiety. It's an odd, long story that I won't go into other than to say that I understand exactly what you mean when you say that the oxys made you better. For me, they not only made my anxiety better, they made EVERYTHING better -- for a while that is. The rudest awakening that I got when I realized that I had become physically addicted was that withdrawal would involve anxiety. The irony of it!
If you check yourself into a detox center, they will be able to help you with medications for the anxiety while you're getting off the oxys. Then, you can follow up with some outpatient stuff. I'm sorry about your family. As far as that goes, my recommendation is to get involved with NA and AA and find in those fellowships a family that will help you with your addictions. You're not alone in turning to opioids to fix what's wrong inside of you and your not the only to find that they mess up what's inside even more. Reach out, Annick... call a substance abuse hotline... there are people out there who want to help.
I wish you the best.
If you check yourself into a detox center, they will be able to help you with medications for the anxiety while you're getting off the oxys. Then, you can follow up with some outpatient stuff. I'm sorry about your family. As far as that goes, my recommendation is to get involved with NA and AA and find in those fellowships a family that will help you with your addictions. You're not alone in turning to opioids to fix what's wrong inside of you and your not the only to find that they mess up what's inside even more. Reach out, Annick... call a substance abuse hotline... there are people out there who want to help.
I wish you the best.
Your not alone when your on this forum. I'm much like you except a dog I have 2 cats and very much alone. Not to mention my IRS troubles and the list goes on. But I do believe in prayer and that I have inner strength that I will tap into to get me thru these bad times and to make sure my cats and I live well. You can do the same.
Take Care,
Dove
Take Care,
Dove
Thank you for your response.
I have suffered from anxiety, severe depression, and just incredibly bad luck. My husband of 21 years left (and left me with nothing.) My children are out of control, and if it wasn't for my dog, I would do myself in.
I have nothing to continue for except for my dog, whom I would not leave. Now I have addiction, on top of all of this.
I began training to prepare for a yoga-training program, but I can't pay for the program and, somehow, the yoga is the only thing that I can seem to actually get out of the home for. I just want to sleep for a long, long time.
I have suffered from anxiety, severe depression, and just incredibly bad luck. My husband of 21 years left (and left me with nothing.) My children are out of control, and if it wasn't for my dog, I would do myself in.
I have nothing to continue for except for my dog, whom I would not leave. Now I have addiction, on top of all of this.
I began training to prepare for a yoga-training program, but I can't pay for the program and, somehow, the yoga is the only thing that I can seem to actually get out of the home for. I just want to sleep for a long, long time.
welcome...For me when i was addicted to lortabs..After my pain went away i continued to take them because of the energy, and just felt more productive...Then after a few yrs of having to take more and more to get the same effect, they actually started doing the opposite effects ...meaning , they were making me tired, I would get nothing done, and wasn't taking care of myself, or things that needed to be done....I also was getting depressed, and didnt' want to go anywhere , or be around anyone....Which was not the way it started out when i was taking them....I think this happens for many of us..
Are you seeing a doctor at all? or taking any anti-depressents?
If you want to get off of them we are here to help you...god bless
r2r
Are you seeing a doctor at all? or taking any anti-depressents?
If you want to get off of them we are here to help you...god bless
r2r
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