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Avatar universal

Monday would have been a year

Yep.. It would have been a year on Monday but instead it's not... The only wonderful part is that I'm clean today and have been for about a week... Keeping with the "wonderful" thing going I can say I've been absolutely clean for about 9 1/2 months of this past year. I had a legiment injury then surgery that I was administered pills for that were distributed to me only when needed by my wife per dosing instructions I count that as staying clean.. Now for the bad news.. I had two seperate small relapses (about 2 weeks in total each) that I recovered from and I played the "using on weekends only" plan a few times -- each relapse involved me purchasing the pills illegally from a dealer that I had erased his contact but was able to retrieve (I only have one source and they always have).. In any event that was my year... Now for the cold hard facts and this for all of the people out there struggling in their early recovery I think this will be important to read..

I know its hard, hard as hell to go through WDs.. Believe I know as I've done it more time than I would like to admit to, but the fact it is what it is. I also know how hard the following weeks and months are following the pysical portion. Its true -- as much as some of us want to deny it and can't imagine anything harder than going through the pysical -- its a walk in the park compared to the mental that follows. Now I dont mean to scare anyone I just want you to be aware the the physical is more the "short" path to the long road of recover that we must try and navigate and let me tell you its a biatch... Yeah for the most part you will get rid of that "crawl" out of you skin feeling and then your mood will stabilize gradually and then lastly a "normal" nights sleep will return and at some point you will feel "normal" again but that's where and when you need to put your guard up because that's when you are most vaurnable -- that's when you can be fooled the most...

Without getting into all of the chemical details of what going on with your mind and body (to be honest, I don't know enough about it to explain) lets just say in short what I think happened to me.. I TRUELY believe I wasn't born an addict but I was made an addict by these pills, they re-wired my brain and now it has changed the way I think and how I have to conduct my life moving forward.

Again, I could have been born with an addictive personality despite the fact that it has never existed in my family and I was never addicted to anything before pills I just don't know anything except I TRUELY enjoy how the pills make me feel in the beginning, I can also tell you is I HATE the way they make me feel by the end, yet I still went back to them on more than one occasion this past year fully aware of the consequences, so by definition I'm a drug addict no doubt about it! With that said I'm now learning and planning how I need to move forward in my life. With that said I'm going to quickly detail my year.

Came clean almost exactly a year ago today.. Went to the rooms (NA/AA) almost every day for 4 straight months then I stopped (for reasons I feel strongly about but don't want to get into).. Will I go back? I don't know that is something I'll have to see...

6 months clean and happy as heck... Found my old self again and was 90% there mentally -- it was hard in the beginning and then became easier and easier. Yes, there were bad days but for the most part my,days were good, great, and incredible sobriety was amazing... Then I was injured and that was depressing time but I got through it and returned to my sober life.. Then I got cocky and relapsed and upon reflection each relapse had 1 incredible day followed by a few good days then just awful days as I struggled with guilt and remorse. Bottom line is is was fun for a blink on an eye and the rest of my using days during these very short relapses were depressing and dreary as I was chasing the one incredible day like a dog chasing their tail -- once I was able to grab it I quickly realized it hurt then I would chase it again with the same result, other wise known as the definition of insanity... Well, that was my year and I know it sounds a bit chaotic but maybe it's part of the road of recovery I'm walking on.. Who knows? Maybe I'm just weak and cave.. Either way it's what I experienced and its part of me.


Now, I also look at it this way.. My 9 1/2 months clean were the most I've had in years so maybe I'm onto something maybe I am headed for a full year of staying pill free.. I know I will try, but I will see..

I reflected heavily before I started writing this -- I also sought the advice of a very wise poster on this forum through PM as I was thinking about what had occurred in 2014 and where I was headed in 2015. I asked some deep questions to this poster who kindly responed thoughtfully, thank you again if you are reading this. Anyway, through their advise and my own reflection I came to realization that I will build from and it's quite simple.

My 9 1/2 months clean where and are better than the balance of days I used.. It's that EFFIN simple for me. I used to roll my eyes a bit when people wrote or said "sobriety is awesome" or said how much better life is without drugs.. I know it was coming from the heart of these people but I also viewed it as lip service to try to convince themselves that that are happy, but that not the case at all..

This time last week I was high on Roxy, I was sitting on the couch with my 12 yr old son and his friends talking football with our new puppy sleeping on my lap as we awaited the upcoming games. My 9 year old daughter was in basement playing with her friends as my wife was cooking all a delicious meal as our neighbors were walking in and out of the house and I was high as can be.. To me it was perfect.. I was smiling.. Then I stopped smiling -- I stopped because I realized that there were 9 1/2 months where I would be enjoying this without a pill in me and that made me sad and that took away from me to enjoy the moment that I should be able to look back on in 20 years when I'm old and gray and my kids are gone with their own lives and say to myself remember those days of a house filled with joy but now I have to remember it as other day of me being high.. I don't want that anymore I just don't!

So to all of you out there just starting out in the thick of WDs or in early recovery with something in your head telling you that it will be ok to just have one.. Please remember when we add it up before we start using, after we get clean, and before we relapse.. The good days out weigh the bad days by a mile.. Do the math in your head to keep you going or to prevent you from relapsing..

If I were to take one AA/NA saying/motto with me from my short stint in the rooms that is "take it day by day" or break it down to smaller units of time either way it works and makes you stop and think about what you are doing good or bad and I highly suggest using that motto for both good and bad, seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months, and years because it's something that needs to be recognized.

I just wanted to add that these are my opinions and thoughts.. I hope nothing I wrote offened anyone..,I've been told by more than one person that addiction recovery is a community road but walked on differently by individules meaning there are common practices but different approaches....

All the best!!!

11 Responses
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Avatar universal
Thanks, and I agree.. Progress is progress! I'm not proud that I slipped up a few times but I am proud that I am clean right NOW and happy inside my head now. I'm learning the past is what messes my head up.. If I think about the past then Im not enjoying being clean NOW so what's the point? (If that makes any sense) --- I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to stay in the moment with my sobriety and relish in it..

If I look into the past I see the addict that says "you can handle a pill or two" and if I look into the future I see the addict that saying "see, you made it here so you can have a pill or two" both of those places make me uncomfortable now BUT when I stay in the moment I feel comfortable and safe in my sobriety.. It's easier said than done but I'm working on it...

As always, Thanks for your support!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just wanted to point out, it's been 366 days, since you decided to quit. I have to look at the last year in terms of progress, it appears you have come a long way, compared to the previous years. Progress over perfection, never reaching the end, but always reaching, ALWAYS!
Helpful - 0
6726276 tn?1421126668
You are right. You are really right on! Best for you. Maxy
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sobriety IS awesome and i was reminded of this the other night.  We were having Christmas with my daughter and grandbabies on New Years Day.  I worked the afternoon shift on New Years Eve so got home after supper.  I had a million things to do plus baking.  My granddaughter loves to decorate cookies so i started making the cutout cookies.  I believe the last batch came out of the oven about 1:00 a.m.  Cleaned up kitchen and went to bed around 2:30.  Had to be up early as we had to drive a ways.  We pulled up to her house and when i opened the door i could hear her squealing as Grandma and the cookies were there!!  As i sat there i looked around and saw the pure happiness in her eyes, i heard the laughter from the other ones, i realized this wasnt a dream, it was reality, my reality and i was there both mind and body, clean from substances.  I thought about all the work i had put into my recovery to this point and i realized the greatest gift i gave myself was to put down those drugs, face my demons and learn to love me.  
Helpful - 0
1796826 tn?1578874779
Great post!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks guys -- I appreciate your support.. Pat, Weaver is awesome and has helped me get my arms around what I am dealing with... He is a great asset to this community and I am greatful he is an active poster here... I also want to add that everyone on here is awesome and it's the collective that makes it work... Right now I am only comfortable speaking about my issues on this forum and that has been hard for me to do lately.. Hopefully I will become more active than the monthly novels I've been posting..lol...

Oxy - thank you and feel free to PM me whenever you feel the need and I'll do the same... I'm sooooo happy you could relate... I'm watching the Seahawk vs Carolina game with my 12 yo as Im writing this with the hugest smile on my face -- stopping every few minutes to talk about the game.

Half just hit so Im going to enjoy the rest of this game with my son and I'll catch you all later...

Thanks again to you all for your unwavering support!!!



Helpful - 0
2107676 tn?1388973859
Wow, nice post Real.
I like what Weaver said about moving in the right direction because I was thinking the same thing.  
I know we have to do it for ourselves but do it for those precious children as well.  Trust me, you want to look back at the special moments and know that you were clean.  You don't want to have to deal with regrets.
Congrats on your clean time.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have read thousands and I mean thousands of posts and this one hit home like no other.  THANK YOU for posting this.  The whole time I was reading this I could tell that you and I have similar thoughts emotions and then when you said you had a 12 y/o son and 9 y/o daughter I thought holy doppleganger!  I too have the exact same offspring.  The part about chasing your tail for that small bit of "on-drug" happiness is SO TRUE.  Well I'm only on 2 hours clean but I will not let these drugs win.  Please feel free to PM me anytime as I can tell you and I are very similiar.  Let's make this a clean year with you 10 days ahead of me along the way.  Kind of like my sober big brother.  Thank you again for writing this post.
Helpful - 0
11318065 tn?1462984479
Thank you so much for writing and sharing that!  I havent had a really strong craving yet but I know that day will come and it helps so much to read stories of others who have relapsed and come back to talk about it!  I keep that info stored in the front of my mind along with the new things I am learning about recovery so I will be able to recall it and turn for help instead of a pill!!!  Blessings to you and keep on doing the right thing!!!!
Helpful - 0
6990909 tn?1435275816
Just gotta say, love this post.  Love your honesty.  Love your description of your personality.  Love the description about knowing you don't need the high to enjoy your life.
So much in this post to offer to others...so very much.  Yep, you will get the year and then some.  But, today is what counts.
Keep on striving to be the best, clean, sober you.
Thank you for this...it truly is a gift to us all.
Peace to you!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Keep on being good, it will start to feel good, eventually.

I think that addiction had me all wrapped up in my emotions, yet my emotions were be blocked by drugs. I was always concerned about feeling good. Isn't that what we hear all the time, "I just want to feel like myself again." I came to realize the focus was on the symptoms, the feeling or lack there of. I realized I had to be good to feel the old me, I couldn't feel like the old me and still BE on drugs. So, I felt horrible, but kept being good as I could, with varying degrees of success. But I kept doing the right thing, the original promise I made to myself and those who love me. Now, I mean it felt horrible, worst I have ever felt has been since I quit drugs. Like was miserable on drugs, so I wasn't really losing anything by just trudging along. Then in AA, I heard, "If you don't know what the next right thing is, then do the next thing right." I deserve better than my last years of opiate use, everyone does.

I kind of chuckled, when you said your buzz was ruined by feelings of failure. Nothing like some recovery to ruin a good buzz. I tell people, once you decide you want to quit, even if you change your mind, there is no going back. The buzz will never be as good as you want it to be, after deciding to quit the very first time. Once you actually try to quit, well, they will never even feel good again. That's just something I've noticed. WE can romance it, even remember actual fun times on drugs, but we can't enjoy them as we once did. It only gets worse and worse, until we actually quit. That may not be true for all, but I sure have seen it enough to know it's a pattern for many. I remember being at a rave, bunch of folks using MDMA, ecstasy, and sat there high, talking about when they plan to quit. See, they decided to quit already, so even on the love drug, the buzz was a waste of drugs, life and time. I watched them all spiral to their bottom over the next couple years.

I think you have a good grasp on how intense addiction is and have gotten humble and honest with other people, even though I am sure you didn't "feel" like doing it. You know what is right, it's a matter of doing it long enough to make it feel right, without the drugs changing our minds. You have made great progress, in my opinion, that is what I think is truly important. No matter how slow we progress, as long as we actually keep moving forward, we will get to where we want to be, it's simply a matter of time and taking the next step.

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