Moving on

[Amber9999]

I feel better this morning.  Thank you for all the caring posts :-)  I know I didn't get back with everyone last night.  I worked on my 1st step AGAIN.  It's going to be a everyday thing.  It should have been before.  I should have NEVER stopped going to NA.  I have come to realize my addiction is not only about the drugs.  It's my emotions, my thinking, and my behavior.  Addiction *****!!!!  But i have it and gotta deal with!!!  Have a good day :-)

[Amber9999]

OMG  I meant to say I am pretty ****** up , hugh?  Not HIGH.  I hate typos!

[Amber9999]

Oh...last week was the last time I saw my therapist.  I can't afford her anymore.

[Amber9999]

I do have a psychiatrist but right now I can't afford a therapist.  I am bipolar, have horrible panic attacks (even before drug use) and ADD.  I'm pretty ****** up, high??  I believe not being treated for bipolar is what got me in such a mess in the first place.  I am being treated for everything.  I got my doctor to change my Adderall to....well I can't remember the name but it's not addictive.  It doesn't work as well but my concentration is still good.  jMy husband is a recovery addict too.  He never went to NA.  He is very spiritual and that's what works for him.  I could never love someone more than him if I tried.  He has taught me so much about God.  He also will listen to everything I say.  Sometimes he doesn't understand the mental part but he still listens.  I really feel like this sight has become my therapist.  I can tell and say anything I want and people don't judge me.  I get great feedback to.  The only thing is that I do have past things that I need to talk about but I don't know where to do that on here.  Well thank you for your advice.

[Beckers74]

It's sounds like you have a lot going on in your life. It is imperative that you seek after care. It can be therapy, or aa/na meetings. Stress can lead you into relapse, so you have to check that daily. We have to learn to cope without drugs. I quit going to meetings, and that is when addiction came creeping back in.  

[gnarly_1]

HI  I have tryed just about everthing to stay clean the one thing that has always worked is N/A going to the meetings a few times a week and working the steps always kept me clean it was only when I quit N/A that I would wind up using again keep pushing forward stay focused on your program with N/a and you will be fine . Keep posting for support good luck and God bless......Gnarly......................

[Amber9999]

I'm taking that your name is Rosy.  I'm sorry that I didn't answer your last posts.  You seem to genuinely care about me as much as you try to help.  This means sooo much to me.  More than you know.  Today was a good day.  I went and saw my therapist and talked, cried and talked some more.  I go a lot off my chest.  The one thing I loved so much about NA before was working the steps.  I could tell my sponsor things that I didn't feel comfortable telling anyone else.  I still do, but some things she feels that the therapist would be better.  Also while I was getting clean the last time is when she told me that she thought I need to see a doctor for bipolar.  Well I did and sure enough she was right.  When I got on the meds for that my life changed big time.  I stopped all the manic behavior.....shopping too much, thinking I was invincible and doing just plain old dumb ****!  I also didn't have racing thoughts thoughts anymore.  Anyway when I started to get better with that I stopped going to NA. I'm not telling anyone else this because I believe I can trust you but when I met my husband he was my cocaine dealer.  He wasn't the typical dealer with me though.  He wouldn't sell to me like others.  Victor started to really like me.  I liked him to and not just for the drugs.  We started dating and he cut me slam off.  He didn't mind me smoking weed but the coke had to come to an end.  So he thought anyway.  Victor was and had ALWAYS been a hard worker.  His dad dies and then his mom got altzhiemers(can't spell).  But anyway she got so bad he could not leave her by herself anymore.  He promised his dad to take care of her and to not put her in a home.  Even though his good for nothing sister lived there and made much less money, she wouldn't quit to stay with their mother.  So Victor had to quit.  The money coming in was not enough for them to survive on so he started dealing cocaine, and marijuana.  I moved in to help with his mom when his sister abandoned them.  She left because her daughter bought a new house and wanted her to move in with her.  I just can't believe that all the people in their family, that Victor and I were the only ones to help.  She should have never left for a man to take care of an elderly woman.  Mother or not.  I know it was humiliating for her to get bathed by him.  Anyway I got stressed from work and coming home to take care of her while Victor made all the runs at night.  I started going in his stash and shoving it up my nose everyday.  Well he eventually noticed.  I told him that if I had to come home after working all day and had to watch his mother all night, I needed a boost.  It was an argument and he gave in.  Eventually he started using the coke.  We hit rock bottom. Then his mother died.  Two years after that we stopped the coke and weed.  It happened the night we got married.  God blessed us that day and I KNOW this is how we were able to stop.  Well Victor has been clean off drugs for 8 years.  I stayed clean for a while and then got on Percs.  Got clean 2 years ago and then go addicted to Tramdal a couple months after that.  He has been through the ringer with me and all these pills.  I never wanted to tell anyone that I married my dealer because I know they would say some **** that would **** me off.  But I have never in my life have had a man to love me more.  They were hard times and the money was needed.  How can you work if you can't leave your mom alone, ya know.  And anyone saying there is always another was.  Well he not pay all the bills none the less get a nurse to watch her.  Her insurance wouldn't pay for that. Anyway he never went to NA.  He used his spirituality and belief in God to get him through.  It worked great for him.  I know it does help but it's not enough for me.  Victor has never had any mental problems and is one of the most strong headed man I know.  I feel like I just wrote a book to you.  Well I'm going jogging.  See ya :-)

[dominosarah]

Now put that plan in motion and you will move mountains~

[OpenMind24hours]

Great stuff you just wrote up there Amber! Keep it going!!

[ROSYouralright]

The getting clean is the easy part huh?? Staying clean is much, much harder... You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad you are feeling better  today!