My Name is Bill and....

[phipps68]

I am a drugoholic.....Today is day whatever it has all messed together. I hate sobriety so far.....I feel  like if I wasnt trying to get married and start a family I would just assume to continue my ways and rip it up seven ways to sundown....maybe i will just start snorting my vitamins or something so I feel like I am still **** something.....sounds rediculous but i love the ritual of getting banged up.... I know the answer already find new hobbies or someting else to do to change my lifestyle....

At this point thus far it is all in my head and I have always had a part of me that likes being bad....going against the grain.....aggrivating the aggrivated....This mindset is only amplified during withdrawel.My girlfriend is going out of her way to help and make sure I ave healthy food in the house and plenty of liquids and vitamins  to help with the detox...and I cant help but to rebel and be an ***...havent taken 1 vitamin arguing telling her I dont want her help and making her cry......I love her and I cant even show to her right now...... the other night after I downed the bottle of Jack she told me it was the first time I had made eye contact and smile at her in over 6 months.... I dont know why i can be so humble and easy going with my customers at work and people i interact with in town... but as soon as I get home something clicks and I dont want to listen to her complain or talk about things I cant comprehend. she means well and is always giving me suggestions on how to do thing s and run my buisness.....god love her.... her kindness drives me crazy

[j34]

For me I was always the different one I loved going against the grain. Until one day it was pointed out to me why don't i join the winning side. Quit struggling, surrender that I have a disease which there is no know cure and find a new way to live. Quit going against  the current in my canoe, so I turned my canoe around and went with the current and I started working on myself through a 12 step program and I can honestly say WHAT A RELIEF!!. I can actually say I am happy, joyous and free. All the best to you.

[Florida_Guy737]

Hey Man...sounds like you have some soul searching to do.  If the high is that good, and I know it is, and that's what you want, then be prepared to forget everything else.  Sometimes, I think living in Central America where the costs are cheap and life can be good sound so appealing sometimes...

Anyway you do it, we're here for you.

Guy

[phipps68]

My actions are a result of generations of addiction.....My grandfather left his family at the age of 15 to join the navy in WW2...His mother was a drunk Cherokee woman and his Father was a old school greek that was not really aroud from what I have heard. My grandfathers family was raised in the coal mining mountains of the Clinchco region of Virginia. My grandfather left because he hated being around his famly and his mother that was wicked.....This trickled into the way my father was raised and the hell my grandmother lived with for 50 yrs.....Well jump forward to my childhood with a loving mother and father except my father cant show emotions... growing up after mom and dad divorced was no bargain.... dad was a drunk all we got tough love.....if we got hurt it was suck it up and be a man....when dad got laid off it was cream cheese sandwiches and generic kool aid. I got a job in highschool at a super mkt. so I could eat. I used to steal steaks for me and my brother my sister left with mom. When mom left with all of her furniture we had an empty house... only beds no kitchen table, no couch, nothing just a tv.....I took the brunt of my father anger when something went wrong it was my fault...I was no angel...but if i got out of line i got a dope slap.....then when dad got sober  it got worse for my brother and I.....at 16 I started smoking weed even with the threats that if my dad ever caught me he would kill me.....because he didint want a drug addict for a son... well it wasnt long before he found pot seeds......well I am ended up on a couch with shot gun on the other side of the room......i am still here obviously and the gu was not loaded but his scare tactics did not work.....I went on to mushrooms, mesc,acid,has, cocaine, the eventually at 21 freebasing....at 22 I quit smoking the rock and never looked back... yeah I dabbled with the powder every now an then but for the most part i hated it.......i remained a weed fein for most of my 20's....at 34 i had rotator cuff surgery and discovered Oxy Contin.......Xanax....and other pills to make me float....so for the last six years with 2.5 yrs in between of just weed I have been snorting pills.......so from what I have got from reflecting on life is i am off the addictive pedigree....a product of my surroundings....and one thing i did learn from my father was not to feel sorry for yourself....dont whine about pain....well now dad is 25 yrs clean has hid own AA meetig he started in 1989 that is one of the more popular ones in the area...it's called "Tough Sh!t Dont Drink".... Now he has a buisness is help people with substance abuse issues..... and here I am wishing i could crunch up a whole forty and blast a line and the other part of me wants to just wake up clean and have it be over.....It is just hard for me to ask for help from anyone...it is easy to be here because I do not know anyone.....and I hate it when my girlfriend wants to try and make me feel good like I am some little baby......I got three generations of anger built up in me......I feel like an idiot when I get soft and smile and with here I cant even look at her.....it hurts

[rue10]

You can certainly choose to live your life anyway you wish.  IMO everyone who comes to this site has decided or is thinking that using is not what it used to be.  It has either messed up their life or they feel they are headed in that direction.  You can't get clean for anyone else but you.  Short term you can try to do it for your fiance, parents, kids, etc.  but if you really haven't surrendered and admitted YOU are the one that wants to be drug free, it is only a matter of time before you will be using again.  You are fortunate to have someone who cares about you.  It sounds to me like you really don't want to stop.  That's your choice.  It also sounds like you want the good that comes with a loving partner, but you don't want to give back what you're receiving.   Believe it or not, it is a choice.

The bottom line is you need to decide.  Stay with drugs, or do some serious soul searching and find out why you continue to mistreat your partner and yourself.  It's a hard road when we continue to "romance" being high.  As a matter of fact, it's a hard road to give up getting high.  But as many will tell you, it's so worth it in countless ways.  If you care about your girlfriend really, and you're not quite ready to stop using,  let her go so she doen't have to endure your selfishness or take a stab at being clean and see what that has to offer you and her.

Good Luck

[refusingbondage]

HI Bill.  I think part of recovery is dealing with ourselves as people - some of us are truly not nice people but there are reasons why.  One of the biggest steps for me this time around which has been my only successful time for this long was realizing what a jerk I am and trying to figure out why.  I too tend to gravitate towards the dark side, the shadier side and I was making my partner miserable and being so mean to him when I was coming off - after the sickness of withdrawal eased then I became a real awful person to be around.. I think support and talking to someone to help figure out WHY we use and WHY we use drugs is so important.  Your not a bad person (neither am I) there are reasons we have to figure out.  I havent figured them out yet but Im working on it and in doing that.  In taking responsibility and in realizsing it was totally all ME  --Ive been a better person to everyone around me.  Your girl seems to love you and seems to be very supportive.  Tell HER you are sorry for treating her badly tell her you dont know why you cannot smile and feel angry towards her but acknowledging it  - like you are now - will at least let her know you are aware of it and your sorry and you want to fix it.  Your pissed now cause you want to be high.  Everyone suffers when an addict cant get get high.  Its hard to live a sober life when your not use to it. But  Stay sober and stay strong.. a lot of the anger resentment goes away in time and never stop searching for why you use and trying to figure it all out.  Support groups and/or counseling with someone who will help you figure out you is very key to staying clean.  Best of luck !

[10356]

Sorry Bill I feel bad for where your head is at but I feel worse for your Fiance.. No eye contact or a smile for 6mo. sad.. This is what ***** about addiction the most.. what we do to those we love.. we make choices that screw our lives then we screw all those around us... May-be you could suggest alanon for her so she can learn to respect herself and demand a little more for herself.. I do not mean to sound harsh at all I just hope you see what your attitude and choices are doing.. As for her getting on your nerves why don't you guys make a rule give you a hour or so quite time to unwind as you deal with people all day.. Maybe that will give you time to relax.. I wish you well on your recovery.. lesa

[badsneakers]

You are close than you were yesterday to a new life...don't give as I swear you are almost there...stay  with us and keep posting today and tomorrow and so on...

as for your girl...get her on here to read stuff...even what you wrote, it can really help her cope if she has a greater understanding of the drug monster that is you right now...and let her take care of you, don't be and a** any more!  You are lucky to have her by your side as you go through this, so many of us have been doing it in "private"...you gots lots of support!

[kksmama]

we often hurt those closest to us.  hang in there and keep the bigger pic in perspective