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Avatar universal

My Story (I need SUPPORT)

Im a young mom suffering a bad drug habit. It kills me to say it, but its true. I have been on and off of hydrocodone 5's for the past 2 1/2 years. For all of my teenage years, my mom was prescribed (and still is) hydrocodone and it sat openly in a bottle on her desk, I never touched it. I was a great student and so happy with my life, then I met my ex. I would like to blame him for my addiction, but ultimately he only opened the doors for me, I walked through them myself. It started out small, and I was fine with that until I had my youngest son. After my c-section I was in alot of pain, naturally, and my mom doled out hydrocodone freely. She actually gave me a bottle of 540 and it was gone way faster than you would think, still at that time I did not recognize I had a problem. Then my habit got out of hand, I would do anything to get a fix, even if it meant stealing from the people I loved the most. I realised where my life was headed and finally broke down and told my mom, she helped me wean off and I thought that was the end of my troubles but I was dead wrong. I started using again, I'm not even sure why. Last August, I quit once again after I broke it off with my boyfriend of a year, I wasn't going to start another relationship on drugs, I had to get my life together. I met my now amazing boyfriend drug free. He got to see and fall in love with the real me. A toothache and a mother who didn't know what she was doing and once again I was hooked, that was december. I've been taking lortab everyday since then, and I'm ready to give it up. I hate the person it makes me. I hate the panic when I realize I'm running out, I hate how big of a mess I let my house get, how I have my head in the clouds and I know I'm missing out on the best years of my babies lives. My kids are 2 and 3. I am dead set and determined to quit for good this time, I HAVE to quit for good. I am blessed with so much, two great kids, parents who love me and can see beyond my addiction, the best man a girl could ever hope for, and a wonderful wedding to look forward to! I want to be CLEAN when I get that ring I know is coming! This isnt my first rodeo, so I know all about what I'm facing with the withdraw. I've got about 8 valium, some trazadone to knock me out, and some addipex to get me through the exhausted phase (all of which I can take without a hitch, never think twice about trashing them) but if I see that dreaded M357 I simply can't control myself. My mom now has a key lock on her door, refuses to give me more and I have no outlet. I just need some good friends who understand to give me some serious support while I ride this out, I know how good it will be once I get past the rough parts, it's so close I can taste it, I remember what it's like to live and be clean with real feelings and emotions. For the past couple of months I had went up to 10, lortab 5's a day, over the course of this week I've slowly cut down, I took 4.5 of them yesterday and now they're gone, I realise I should have tapered them off more than that, but I just couldn't get myself to do it, which is how I always am. I saw someone say on here "One pill is too many, and a thousand is never enough". Its so so so true. I'm sorry if this is scatter brained, but it's the best I can manage right now. I am about 13 hours out and for me the first 24 hours is usually the worst, because I can handle the physical pains, the mental is the hardest part for me...I have mixed water in empty pill bottles to get the last of the residue and drank it. My boyfriend now is one of the only people who truely knows the severity of my addiction and is behind me 300%. My 3 year old is camped out at my moms for a few days while I ride this out! How do I make sure I stay on the right road? How do I ENSURE that I don't fall of the wagon again? I really want to attend NA meetings, but to be honest I am scared. I don't want anyone to know about my addiction, and we live in a very small town and I know word would get out. Any and all advice and support is greatly appreciated. As crazy as it sounds I am glad that I can do this NOW, I try my best to lean on god and see this as a blessing, I was excepted to mortuary school and start classes aug 23rd, I AM gonna be better by then damnit!
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1384888 tn?1279952339
I was referring to the fact that while tapering can help with some of the side effects of wd it does not mean that when you completely abstain from the pain pills that it will make the cravings any less. Some people who take a few a day may be able to stop after a tapering and that's great but for the most part it's not so simple. The same is true for me to. I can't have one, not even one or it will start all over again.
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Avatar universal
I'm not sure I understand what you mean, my last day tapering was on thursday and I havn't had anything since then. I have taken exactly one and a half 5mg valium since then but thats it, I don't expect to withdraw from valium from taking it over a couple of days. I have never had a valium problem what so ever and have taken it for dentist visits and the like for years. Actually, I really dislike the way valium makes me feel, but I take it when I my restless arms get so bad I can't stand it. I was taking about 10-15 hydrocodone 5/500's a day, over the course of last week I got down to 4 a day on thursday and then I just quit.

In the past, I have tried going cold turkey from this amount and simply could not stand it, I was suicidal and I successfuly tapered off with no withdrawls but relapsed a few months later....I was trying to quit at that time for all the wrong reasons, basically because my ex-boyfriend and family insisted.

The second time I tried to get clean, I was at about 4-6 a day and quit cold turkey, with very similar results to what I am experiencing this time. I seemed back to my old self within a couple of weeks. I felt great and then broke my foot on Halloween and was prescribed hydrocodone which started the vicious cycle once more, I have learned I cannot take it, not even one.
Helpful - 0
1384888 tn?1279952339
Let me say from experience that "tapering" while it can subside some of the worse part of wd, it is not until going cold turkey that the process truly begins. I've got so much experience with that monster. FAR from proud just saying. The reason there is such a lack of energy and "happiness" when stopping painkillers is because in taking them you deplete your brains ability to make it's own "happiness and energy" (serotonin, dopamine and noradrenalin) In taking the pills you replace what your body makes and thus the brain says "no need to make any."  The same can be said for the extreme pain you may experience as well. That too will get better as your body learns how to fight it on it's own again. When you stop taking them your brain slowly but surly "reboots" itself and the days get better. Depending on the dose and type of painkiller you were taking it can take a few days. 7 years and thousands of pills took me around a year to full recover. I think when I broke my own foot with a hammer to have a valid reason to go to the hospital and get some pain killers was my wake up call. I had finished with my back surgery and three months later  the doctor said "I should be out of pain" but I wasn't then the hammer bit. Being a recovered addict (5 1/2 years) just want to express to all the people that are tapering off of "cutting back" that's fine. But nothing will do the deal until you stop. Cold turkey is the only way to do that. Support is a great thing too. This forum seems to have a ton of it. That's awesome. Twelve step programs are a another thing that will help keep you sober. You have to do the deal though. Or you will die. That's a serious statement. Prison or death is what we addicts have to look forward to unless we recover. nomo357, you can do it. Pray to GOD and he will answer. Perhaps, he already is :) I'll pray for you too. As a parent of three I know exactly how it feels to want to go do things with your kids, but just "can't." Sweats, chills, stomach ache, loss of energy, nightmares, loss of sleep, diarrhea, (temporary depression) even aggression are all things that you may experience. One thing I can assure you, it will get better.
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Avatar universal
Well, I've survived today....it was awful in some ways and easy in others. I got up and showered, started to put on my makeup and was worn out, finally managed to finish it and my boyfriend drug me out the door. We went to the farm store, then out to eat, then to his parents, then to walmart, and finally hoooome, I am BEAT! Walking around those stores I felt like I had an added 500lbs on my back, I am just so weak, which frustrates the crap out of me. I havn't had any urges to take anything, which is a huge huge plus. The immodium has straightened my stomach out for the most part so my main issues is this blah feeling! I know it gets better with time, I just need to practice some patience I guess. I was so proud of myself, that I managed to drag my butt through those stores! Driving around in the truck with the windows down and loud rock n roll blasting in my ears I had never felt more alive. I could see it, that tiny light at the end of the tunnel...I know I'm going to make it, I know I'm going to be o-k as long as I stick it out and get started on aftercare asap!

Went to get the things from the Thomas recipe and was beyond annoyed that no drugstore carried most of them, then even more grouchy that GNC was closed, I guess tomorrow I will be making a trip back, which STINKS! I did not want to have to drive all the way back but such is life. How did L-tyrosine effect those who took it? I'm hoping the blend of vitamins will at least help some what with building my body back faster and helping to deal with this lazyness! I knew today would be hard for me, Sunday has always been the day I chowed down the most on pills, because my kids go to their grandma's for the day. It was a big test for me, but I passed! :)
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1345254 tn?1325918041
You are doing GREAT!! I started reading your post yesterday and I thought WOW, this is a woman who really WANTS this. U have a bright future in front of you. Your bf and kids will love u so much more. U are doing great !! Can't say it enough. I have been keeping u and ur family in my prayers and I will pray for you all at church this morning!!! Hope u have a wonderful day!!! Melissa
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1283286 tn?1312911966
I imagine just being able to get the nerve up to post yesterday and then to speak freely in here took more of a load off your mind than you know. Glad you feel like you got some quality rest..Keep those spirits up..Your doing good :)
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Avatar universal
You are doing great!!!

Your attitude will help carry you through this.  I always tell people not to detox as a "broken" spirit.  It's very hard sometimes in the midst of detox heII to feel positive and to laugh but the fact you are doing both will be the difference in you being successful with this.

You don't HAVE to wait until you are no longer ill to go to a mtg.  The mtgs will give you a boost and will help tremendously.

The fact you slept so well is an amazing sign, yes get out in the yard and enjoy your day to yourself.  

Very happy for your progress and pulling for you!!!!

bob
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Avatar universal
I think I will go, once I am over the physical withdraw that is, probably to next weeks meeting. If I could help even one person get the courage, it's so worth sucking up my fears.

I started to get VERY antsy lastnight around 7 and almost completely freaked out but I managed to get control of myself, took a quarter of a valium and it helped just enough without giving me that wet noodle feeling.

Around 9 I took another quarter once my son was asleep in his crib, and then just layed around for awhile. The restless arms started up and I decided to call it a night early, at around 11 I took the other half of a valium and the trazadone and was out like a light..I slept so great, woke up at 5am and was simply SHOCKED I managed to sleep so long, incredible! I felt amazing, got up and watched the sun rise. It was a short spell as its 7am and the restless arms are creeping back but still a small victory!!! I am starting to feel like I will make it....

I don't know who here believes in God, and am not trying to offend anyone but for me personally I feel as though God has been with me every step of the way. It seems like over the last couple of months, more and more things have happened that brought me closer to making that final step to quit. Sort of like He was showing me that He is here so I will trust that he will watch over me through this.

My boyfriend was so great about the lousy mood, he helped get me dinner ready and I managed to force down some food before bed. He didn't baby me too much though and reminded me I put myself in this mess and I needed to stop having a pity party for myself, which actually helped me out! Mostly just tried to help comfort me and made me laugh a few times, it was just so nice having someone to lean on this time.

You all have helped tremendously! It's like a safe haven here for me, where I'm not judged. I'm going to try to catch a couple more hours asleep before everyone wakes up, the kids are going with their paternal grandma today and I'm going to drag myself out to get the vitamins and amino acids! I think getting myself out yesterday even in the yard really helped as hard as it was to get myself out there. Moping around makes it soooo much worse!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes you just "show up".  I know how hard it is to open that door.   I know what it's like to drive around the block 5 times before deciding it was "now or never".

You will NOT be disappointed in going to that first NA meeting.  You will never find a room full of people who will better understand you.  As above has stated, you don't have to say ANYTHING.  You can sit there and just listen.

Let us know how you make out if you go.  There will be many reading here that will decide to take that very same step based on your courage to take that step.

Goodluck!!!!

bob
Helpful - 0
1283286 tn?1312911966
Hey girl,,you might be surprised if you try an NA meeting..For me it never was a constant reminder of being an addict or anything of the sort. Its more like this forum here. A place you can speak freely if you chose to do so..Therapist would be a good start if you would feel more comfortable going that route though. Anything to untangle the mental hold these da*m meds put on a person..Try to stay positive about approaching this. You got 2 really good reasons to do so :)  David
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Avatar universal
yeah
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Avatar universal
Hey,
I understand what you are saying, for a while I did the same thing, avoided everything because I didn't want to face the fact that I was an addict, but it just kept me relapsing. It doesn't have to have a negative meaning if you don't let it. Addict is shameful and embarrassing but a recovering addict is an honest hard working person learning about themselves and bettering themselves. Use it to empower you, and help others. It allows you to be an understanding non judgemental compassionate person to others and a person who can face themselves and has found peace within. It just depends what approach you take to look at it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for the suggestions, I will look into the therapist. I guess I never wanted to go to NA, because I thought if I did, it would be a constant reminder that I'm an addict. I just wanted to tuck the skeleton neatly in the closet and forget it ever happened..what I didn't realize was that everyday when I had to open the closet to get my clothes out it came flying out at me. I think I am finally realizing that this is my reality. I'm not going to be able to move on after this and forget it ever happened, I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It's really a sad reality, but it sure as hell beats letting my life slip away. More importantly screwing up my kids lives because their mommy would rather get high than spend quality time with them. How does one deal with this long term? I guess I should be worried about today for now.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
For a long time I thought stopping oxycontin was just about getting through the WD and then having willpower to hold out. But I always ended up relapsing a few weeks later or a month, and it was a constant daily battle and overall I was just kind of miserable. When I discovered AA and NA I learned so much about addiction and validated all the feelings and thoughts I had when I was sober. It made me not feel so crazy and I got a lot of support and help there, it was incredible. So many people that just want to help you and don't want anything in return, it is pretty amazing. Kind of like this forum but in person lol. Anyways you can look up meetings in your area on google and just pick one and go. Usually SD which stands for speaker discussion is a good general one to start with. A person will share their story for the first half and pick a topic for the second half and people will take turns talking. You don't have to talk though. In the beginning they ask if there are any newcomers that want to introduce themselves, and if you do, some people will probably come up after and offer support and just talk with you. As for therapists, I think an addiction therapist would probably be better than a regular one, and if you call your insurance company and ask them to give you the names of therapists that they cover you can narrow your search and then call those people. The NA or AA is free though lol which is a nice advantage!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yes, I am strongly considering sucking it up and heading to NA. Do I just show up? What should I expect? I have state insurance since I'm a broke student so I'm sure I could get into some kind of therapist, I guess I have never looked into it before, it just never occured to me. I thought I could handle it myself which was a joke, and not a funny one! Will any type of therapist work or do I need to actively seek an addiction therapist? It might be harder to find one in this area that would be covered. I'm open to absolutley anything, I will do whatever it takes.
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Avatar universal
Hey,
I've been trying to stop for a while as well, and have stopped and then relapsed so many times. THe only way I ever found success staying sober longer is when I was going to AA or NA meetings. Have you thought about going? When I stope I have so many racing thoughts and am like a crazy person in the beginning and it's helpful to have people who understand and can give advice. Also, working the steps, and having a support group is really helpful for long term sobriety. I kept relapsing because I wasn't willing to put in the work in the program and actually do what I was asked however I think if you are willing and will do the work you will find success at staying sober. Someone mentioned "willpower" was what you needed for long term sobriety. In my experience, I have to disagree with this, willpower is not enough for me, the addict in my head will always win out if it's simply willpower. In my opinion if we could all stay sober with will power then we weouldn't be in the position we are in now. Anyways, congrats on deciding to stop, that is great, what do you think about some kind of after care plan, like meetings or an addiction therapist, or something along those lines?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yep, I indeed have the restless arms and they are horrible. I always thought that having restless legs would be easier but really I don't know. I was like you, tried everything but nothing ever works. So far I havn't had them too bad but I'm not holding my breathe, they would tend to come on more at night in the past and I would just lay there scratching my arms all night, drove me crazy! Hoping the trazadone will knock me out and I can sleep through that at least.

You are so right about the kids keeping you going, I was doing ok this morning up until I put my 2 year old down for the nap and it hit me like a train. I'm going to at least try to rest while he's down..I know I won't sleep but it's better than nothing.

Thanks so much for all of the nice words, it means alot. I don't have alot of people who know about my addiction in the "real world" so it feels good to know someone understands. My boyfriend was an alcoholic at one point so he can sympathize but I can tell it still isn't totally the same. I am going to try to force myself to go to NA, I think if I'm really going to give myself the best shot at this I need to suck up my pride, because its now or never, I've been given way too many chances already, and let too many good things slip through my fingers.
Helpful - 0
1283286 tn?1312911966
Well my goodness! And then there were three that didn't have restless legs, but restless arms..God that drove me crazy!. Darn couldn't do anything with them. First my right arm, then the left. Never both at the same time but geez!. I'd lay on them, pound them on the bed, try to shake it out and on and on..

Ok, you have already gone thru this so you know what to expect. I feel for you having to keep up with the little ones, but in a way, its good you do have that responsibility. Doing the mom thing puts you in automatic pilot to attend to them which will help keep your mind occupied some. And try to do as you said above. Not dwell in the symptoms. Thats one thing most people have a hard time doing and it actually makes things worse than they are..And I can sympathize with you on the kid duty btw. I've been raising 4 for almost 12 years now..A mister mom..They were 1,2 ,4 and 7 when I got blessed with the single parent duties..Thats why I say having to attend to them will help as we really do go into automatic mode when taking care of what needs to be done.I use to get questioned about "how did I do it" for all those toddler years..All I could think of to tell them is "I just did". I never thought about it. I just did it. Lokking back, I kinda scratch my head now as to "how did I really do it"..If someone came up to me today and said "hey! Want to raise 4 toddlers for the next 5 years for me?"..God!, I'd probably run like a jackrabbit (chuckle)..

Use that thought to your advantage though..Just do what needs to be done. This will be over before you know it and you will have all your natural smiles back :)..Hang in there.
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Avatar universal
Hi.  First, don't be ashamed of your addiction when you are trying to get help.  We might be a little ashamed of some of our actions while using, but there is no shame in getting help!  

The first 3 to 4 days will be the worst.  Having a goal (like the 23rd) is good.  You are right not to want to start school on drugs.  That would not be a good start.  You will still have some fatigue and insomnia I would say, but the worst physical stuff will be ending.  

Keep posting on here.  You will get tons of help.  Weekends are little slow, but you won't believe the support we have on here!!!! : )

Good luck, sweetie!
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Avatar universal
The stomach problems have already begun, had issues all night. That is usually the worst for me, I need to get immodium asap! I will also try to round up the rest of the vitamins in the thomas recipe. I try not to dwell on my symptoms, because at least in the past the more I think of it, the worse I make it. I know alot of people have it far worse off in terms of w/d..when I quit c/t last january i wanted to kill myself..the restless ARMS for me, and the diahhrea drove me mad. I can say that the addipex has helped me today, although not doing much at ALL for the diahhrea..I think I will go pick up those things from the receipe later. It can't hurt! I'm hoping to last it out until around 1 or 2 and then my 2 year old will nap, and then I will try to take the trazadone at around 8 and pass out tonight and sleep off several hours of the w/d. Trying to save the valium for the mental freak outs, because from my experience they don't do squat for the physical part.
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Avatar universal
Don't be scared to attend meetings. You can stay clean, really it's easier as each day goes by in my opinion.  The only ways to ensure you don't fall off the wagon is willpower or rehab.
Helpful - 0
1283286 tn?1312911966
You should be by most of the physical wd's by the 23 rd with exception to some insomnia and lack of energy. The next two days are going to actually be the worse btw. Day 2 ,3,and 4 is the norm with most. You were taking a fair amount but not as much as some others that are in here. Basically what you are stating is the equivelent of anywhere from 1 to 5 10/325's a day. Most I've seen in here were in the 15 up as high as 30 of the 10/325's a day. You may get lucky and not have wd's that are as intense as some I've had and other's in here..Definitely get some immodium or something similar today. Inbetween hours 15 and 24 is when stomach problems start.And be ready for the aches and pains for a few days. It will feel like someone went up one side of you and down the other with a baseball bat..There's a thing called the Thomas recipie in the right column you may want to check out. Its a list of vitamins and such that will help....
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