I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for almost a year now and I have known of his addiction for about 9 months. We plan to get married in the future, but for the time being we are stuck living at his parent's house. There is nothing I want more than to start a family with him and his son, but his addiction makes me so depressed at times. I've never known him without the pills, so I'm afraid things will be different when he finally decides to quit. He tells me all the time that "tomorrow, I'm quitting. I don't want to do this anymore. I won't buy anymore pills and I'm going to quit." The next day: more pills. It's gotten to the point where I don't even believe anything he says about the pills, or quitting. I don't want to get my hopes up just to continue being let down over and over again. It really has taken a toll on me. I feel for him and I want to help him, but anything that I do or say usually turns into some kind of argument. I don't feel like I can really and completely tell him how I feel, because there's just so much that goes through my head. It makes me feel worthless, like all he needs are the pills and he'd pass right by me to get more. I feel angry because he's lied to me numerous times, but only about the pills. I feel worried because he may get arrested or die because of his addiction. Anyways, I just need some encouragement because I don't know who can help me. I love him more than anything, and I will not leave him because I know he will get better.. I just don't know when.
Hi & Welcome,
It is sad to say but everything you feel about his addict and your fears could all be realized if he does not stop. Every pill he takes could be his last one.
He cannot stop alone, he needs help. It sounds like he may not be ready. He has to want this and he has to reach out and ask for help.
If you plan on staying with him then you have to make the decision to support him but not enable him. Moving in with his parents and allowing him to spend money on drugs IS enabling him. There are no consequences for his actions so why should he stop? Believe me, he is quite aware of that if only subconsciously.
You need to take care of you. I heard you when you said you loved him, but ask yourself why. You fell in love with an active addict. I wonder what the attraction was? And so you know, he will be an addict for the rest of his life. He suffers from a disease for which there is no cure. He can remain active or he can begin his recovery but he will always be an addict and the possibility for relapse is always there.
I suppose you have a lot of thinking to do. Stick around here and ask any questions that you need. It is a great place for support and someone is always around to help you. Take good care of yourself. Good luck.
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. You're a strong girl to want to stay and be supportive, that takes a lot of work and energy. He's lucky that he has someone in his life that wants to help him and stick with him. Do his parents know about his addiction? How long has it been going on? IBK is right, it doesn't sound like he's ready to quit. I'm sorry that he keeps saying he'll quit; obviously he doesn't mean it or he would start the process.
As an addict, I can tell you that we have to quit for ourselves first, we have to want it in order for it to be successful. And as an addict, I can also tell you what I told my sister when she was trying to understand the addicted brain. We don't, as addicts, sit down and write a list from 1-100 listing in order who and what we love with pills at #1 and our loved ones at #100. We don't make the active decision to get the pills because we love them more than our families and friends. We just do what we do because it's what we know. We don't weigh the consequences and say oh well, I'll do it anyway. We just do it, no matter the cost or potential cost. We don't want to hurt anyone, but we end up hurting so many people.
Ultimatums don't stick well with most addicts, so Im glad to see you're not giving him one. But he has to know where you stand if he doesn't get help. Again, he's lucky to have someone like you who cares enough about him to want him to get the help he really needs. I don't know his insurance situation, but you can maybe set up a therapy session for the 2 of you or just him? Even without insurance, your state most likely has a substance abuse program for the uninsured. Perhaps if you call around to some places you could get a counselor of some sort with a substance abuse knowledge..? That way if you can just get him in the door somewhere he can start opening up his eyes. Also, try to find a AA/NA meeting in your area and take him there. I'm assuming then that he admits he has a problem with the pills? Is he getting them from a doctor or off the street? If off the street, then he really cannot deny there's a problem; if from a doc then perhaps the doc needs to know of his addiction (not much you may be able to do though with privacy laws). At any rate, he needs help and so do you. I'd suggest, no matter how things go, good or not so good, that you go to an ALANON meeting. That's a meeting for loved ones of the addicted. You will meet people in your situation and they may be able to offer more advice. Definitely check that out.
Please keep us updated on what happens, and I wish you the best of luck. I'll include you in my prayers. On his behalf, thanks for sticking it out - you're truly a strong girl for doing so. If I didn't have my hubby who's stuck it out through everything with me (a lot of stuff!!) then I don't know where I'd be right now..it's good to have support and that's where he needs to start - taking a look around at what he will lose sooner or later if he keeps it up. He'll wind up in jail or dead if it doesn't stop. Sorry to be so harsh, but it happens to those who don't try and get clean. Take care, ask anything you want here, someone always has an answer!! xo
Hi, my name is Sara and I'm a recovering addict. I've been in recovery for over four years now. I chose to get clean in NA-Narcotics Anonymous, that's the only thing that worked for me. I've heard this story many times before. All I can offer you is my experience and suggestions. A lot of using addicts say, "I'll quit tomorrow," that's pretty common. Unfortunately when you are using, tomorrow never comes. That's why in NA, we make a decision, every day, to stay clean. What I can also tell you is as much as you try to help him, he is not going to get clean until he is ready. There is no way of forcing him into this. What you may try is getting information on 12 stewp programs and find some meetings near you. Possibly even offer to go to thew first meeting with him. You can buy books, or print materials about addiction and recovery online and show them to him. And the best advice I can give you is to remember you are powerless over him and his addiction, so you have to take care of you first. You might want to try researching Alanon or Naranon meetings-meetings for family and friends of drug addicts/alcoholics. I do see that you really care for him, but just remember, you always come first. Take care, and best wishes.
Nothing worse than being with an addict. I know because I am one. I'm not sure this is good for you
run as fast as you can till he has one year clean.
if you cannot do that, you need boundaries and at least 180 days of clean time.. you do not want to have kids with an active addict.
but, visiting day in jails are a good way to waste a weekend.
sounds mean.. i am sorry. i have seen so many wives and moms at funerals i officiate that said i just knew they would get better..
you are loved
Note surprised to hear suggestions to leave the relationship. You posted on my topic recently indicating you were looking for advice from others in similar situations. Here is where yours differs from mine and leads me to agree with BrotherFrankie. You relationship is founded on addition whereas mine was originally founded on sobriety. Addiction later entered but the fact that sobriety was the foundation allows me to know the original person - the original good, loving person with zeal and spunk. You are gambling on the person under the mask of addition. You have no idea who he really is. I can tell you that if I'd had discovered that I was in a relationship like yours that I'd up and leave faster than you can imagine. You have no idea what you are in for, could be ten years before he quits. Once he does, even if the real him is a good guy, he will look at you with disdain for tolerating his disrespect and deception. He will know that you are malleable and impressionable and that fact will catalyze temptation in relapse scenarios.
You said you feel worthless. I know that sensation - a pill is more important, and not just a little important, it is paramount and you are an obstacle in his sick quest. He is defiling you.
You are 21 - Take some time to win back your dignity, then you can / will find someone else (preferably closer to your age). Get out of this immediately.
Ps, how many pills is he popping a day? If on hydrocodone and depending on the dosage, it can be easily 20 or 30 or more with tolerance. Try and get a read on how it is now to get a feel for now deep in he could go and ask if you are willing to go hand-in-hand down that road.
i am 99.9 % of the time against divorce. (i am a pastor) i believe in forgiveness. This situation was built on things not of God. (fornication) then we mix in addiction and children..
i am so sorry for the pain this couple has. I do pray when i say i do...
i do love when i say they are loved.. (by me as well as christ)
thank yall for responding, i really appreciate all the advice i can get. i understand where the people that say i dont really know him bc i entered the relationship with an active addict, but i just believe that he is a good person, as i've always thought, and i would like to think that he'd be even more amazing without the pills. yes, i do think about the fact that i've been with him for almost a year and havent ever really had all of him, but i believe in him, and i still know him despite the pills. the situation is very overwhelming and confusing at times, but for him, his son, and myself, i will stay with him.
he told me he was quitting this past friday, and he actually did. today is day 4 and i couldnt be any happier that the time is finally here. i try to understand what he is going through but for a person that has never been addicted, or even tried any kind of drug, its kind of hard. i constantly have a million different questions and emotions going through my head that it makes me a basketcase!!! i want to be positive, but in reality i get that he's an addict and always will be and he may mess up, but i know that it will kill me.
again, thank yall for all replying. i dont really know anyone or have anyone else to vent and talk to about any of this so i appreciate it more than you know!