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My boyfriend is in recovery and suddenly ended our relationship. Why?

Hello,
When I first met my boyfriend (several years ago but we started dating a year and half ago) he was sober.  At first we were very happy and we were best friends.  I felt a deep connection with him and I thought he did with me.  He ended up moving in with me after living in a sober home for several months.  Last summer I didn't know he was back on heroin. He went to rehab several times.  Then in October I kicked him out bc he was using in my home, stole my credit card, and 4k of my jewelry.  I was beyond crushed and hurt.  I forgave him as long as he entered a treatment program.  He completed 2 months then went to a sober home again but got kicked out.  I allowed to come back and again things quickly spiraled out of control.  I tried everything to help him.  Took him to work everyday then picked him up.  At first he was doing ok then the signs again.  No money, Never could help with any household bills, never gave me any gas money.  Would take my car without asking me and I had to start hiding my keys.  I told him enough was enough.  He went to rehab and was going to move to Florida for a year but didn't even discuss it with me.  I was really upset bc he left me in a mess financially with no help and I didn't feel like I fit in his life anywhere.  He left then ended up calling and said he didn't go to Florida bc he loved me too much to leave me and would go to a place here instead.  About a month later we got him into the treatment center and he's been there for 2 months now.  At first he seemed humbled. Promised me he was going to change. Told me he was going to be better to me and treat me better.  I've stood by him through everything and sometimes wonder what is wrong with me?  During all of this stress I've gained weight bc of being depressed.  We spent 1 day a week together for the last month and 2 weekends ago he asked his dad if he would pay for some shirts and jeans for him & if I bought them would his dad pay me back.  His dad said sure and he spent 95, then 10 on coffee, and I paid for our lunch.  He gave me the 20 his dad left him and then his dad gave me another 50.  So I mentioned to him that he still owed me 45 bc I don't want to enable his using behavior anymore or let him take advantage of me.  It's not fair that I always foot the bill when I am single mother.  
I've been taking time out to take care of myself and then last week went through a lot of emotions bc the hospital I work at thought I had breast cancer.  I told my bf that my mammogram back inconclusive but I wasn't worried at first.  He said he would call me back in 2 days to see what they said.  I ended up have to get more images done bc of 2 lumps and enlarged lymph nodes. Then they had me get a biopsy the next day.  It was very scary for me and most of my friends said it made them realize how much they love me and wouldn't want to lose me.  I tried to call my bf in rehab and they said they would have him call me but he never did.  Then on Saturday night he called from his dad's phone leaving a message to pick him up on Sunday and he loved me.  I pick him up and tell him what happened and he tried to grab my breast where they put the needle in several times and I told him to not do that bc it was painful, sore, and bruised. We get in the car and he says oh ya you told me you were getting a biopsy and I explained no, I never got to tell him.  He asked me to tell him about it and I did then he just says oh well you're fine. What's the big deal?  I was really shocked bc for me I was uncertain what the future held. It was scary.  I didn't know who would take care of my son with special needs if anything happened to me.  He didn't even seem like he cared.  Then he proceeded to tell me how he spent the Saturday at a fancy shopping mall with another guy (and the guys gf) he just met in rehab that is a disabled vet who got a 20k check.  The new friend bought him an 85 shirt, 250 true religion jeans (he asked if I knew what that was) and a pair of ray ban sunglasses.  Then they all went out to dinner with my bf's dad at outback.  I couldn't believe it. One, I thought it was weird that someone would spend that kind of money on someone they just met especially another man and two, I thought he doesn't even think to invite my son & I to dinner with them?  I was beyond hurt and felt as if where do I fit in his life?  I wasn't even a consideration to invite.  I felt like he was bragging and showing off.  He didn't care about me at all or what I've been going through.  So I told him.  He tells me that he prays for me every night and that I need to get down on my knees every night and start praying to God.  He said that maybe we need to take a break for a while.  He can't focus on me and he needs to focus on himself.  That I need to focus on myself (he meant lose weight). That he was bad for me. That it doesn't mean we can't get back together one day and there isn't anyone else but he didn't feel connected to me anymore.  There wasn't a spiritual connection.   Uh, what?  Two months ago he loved me too much to leave me and to not get better. Said that my mother was part of the problem bc she's mentally ill and he took pills with her. I live with her bc I am in nursing school and I only have 1 more semester left.  He knows that I am not staying afterwards.  I just don't understand how one minute you want to be a better man for me then the next there's no connection after all we went through? He said I was an amazing person but he couldn't go back to using again and he was afraid of going back.  Almost as if he blamed me for his using when I did nothing but try to help him, be supportive, and there for him always.   I supported him through everything and gave him a home when his own family turned their backs on him. He said he loved my son and wanted a family with me then now nothing.  He actually had the nerve to make me drive him 50 minutes to the other side of town to drop him off at a picnic that he invited my son & I to then took the invite back to be with his new friends.  When he got out of the car he said he was sorry for everything and walked away.  He was so cold & emotionless to me.  I just don't understand what happened bc I thought we were ok. Our major issue was 1. the drugs and 2. he never had any money to help with the household bills.  I feel like he was discarding me bc he can get more with his new friend out of him.  I didn't feel as though he has changed at all and is acting like a user still. Can anyone give any insight?  I am so hurt.  I've cried so much that my eyes swelled up to the point of shutting.  How can you love someone one minute then toss them in the garbage?  Was it all lies?  I feel very used and stupid.
7 Responses
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes....it was all lies! Yes. ..you need to move on! He used you physically, financially and emotionally! Hes a selfish addict that is TOTALLY NOT in revovery. My suggestion would be to move on. DO NOT WASTE ANYMORE TIME ON THIS PERSON! Addicts are slick, liars, manipulators, and will use anyone who is willing. Only after some years in revovery have i been able to put these character defects.
I especially hate the way he claims your mother is part of the problem....be steals her pills and its her fault???
See this for what it is.....do not take his calls. Do not answer any emails NOTHING! More than likely he will try to slither back when hes run out of all options....you want to be a last resort?
1 Comments
No, I don't.  I see now he didn't really love me. Just hurts bc I stuck by him & I let him use me as a doormat. I need to learn to not be so nice. I felt bad all the time & thought I was helping but I only enabled him to live comfortably while getting high.  And it has torn me apart & im left with the mess he left behind.
Avatar universal
Hi, your username is "heartbroken nurse." Interesting. You are a total caregiver in your professional and personal life. And the latter, to your detriment. I will only add to what my pal Motye said by saying the only work you need to do now is figure out why you are attracted to chaos, insanity and not getting your needs met. Alanon would be a great place to start. Addicts are completely unworthy of anything substantial unless they are clean. Period. You deserve better.
1 Comments
Thank you so much.  I agree with you about going to Alanon and I need to see my own worth.  I've defiantly lost myself in all of this. I think what is best is to focus on getting my mind & body healthy again & to focus on my child.
Avatar universal
I totally agree with jimoc.  You need to realize Your own role in this so as not to devote this kind of involvement with such a needy Person.   He was not a good risk from the very beginning.  Also, You have a Child so You MUST choose a mate wisely.  Children learn what They live and Your Child must be Your priority.  That being said I'm sorry for Your pain  emotionally as well as financially.  I have experience with Alanon myself and totally agree You should go there.  You will learn what You need to know about YourSelf, about co dependency and enabling.  Good Luck To You
1 Comments
Thank you. I completely agree with you. I think I thought he was something he's not at first. I had been cheated on after 4 years and he moved in on me charming me with all kinds of I'd never do that to you. You deserve better but really I think he saw an opportunity to take advantage of me. So, yes I will attend a meeting bc I don't ever want to get taken advantage of again or enable anyone.  And I do need to be careful bc of my son. He too is hurt & I could have lost my son bc of this guy & his drugs. My son is too precious to me.
517872 tn?1623105664
Sometimes when we are already having the cups of worries as full we decide to buy a new cup of headaches. And it happens to the most of us. While the cup of worries is life and the cup of headaches is Love that may be accompanied with desires and what not. Just like life itself that can be beautiful if we work hard towards making it beautiful by learning from our mistakes, not repeating them and making better choices and sticking by them . All injuries or hurts take time to heal and it is okay to take rest at times but what is important is never stop making efforts towards all the ways that help to make your life beautiful. Things will start to make sense as the time passes and with patience you will be able to understand everything without even anyone trying to help you understand or explain to you. The life of this world is for once and it is not for ever not for anyone. Practice kindness but don't be fooled by people trying to take advantage of you. Parenting is not an easy job. But we have to keep trying to do the best while maintaining a great positive outlook towards life not only for ourselves but for our children too.  I think blaming the outside forces does consume the energy that we can use to improve ourselves instead to make us stronger better and immune to all the negative forces outside that try to bring us down.
I just read a post on Facebook today and it said that if you do not love yourself you will find yourself chasing people that do not love you either. And I think it was a great food for thought to me for today. I hope it helps you too.
And sometimes there are times when we feel lonely and want to be loved in all the ways we deserve to be loved and that is the time when people may lower their standards and make compromises with someone they should not be. But it happens to most of us. So going into details of everything about what the person does or is doing and make yourself bad or weep over such actions is normal up to certain level . It is the earlier stages of healing. And I am sure you will feel better especially If you decide so without allowing thoughts that take you back to sadness. Check your thoughts, stay busy and occupy yourself with positive action. Have no time for whatever thoughts that try to make you sad. Enjoy your daily successes. And give your best to your children. They deserve it. And what is most important it to make efforts to not only stand up but this time stand up even much higher while maintaining  a humble attitude and being aware at the same time.
Take care
God bless!
1 Comments
Thank you. I agree with the quote on Facebook and yes that has helped me. I've got to learn to love myself & know my worth. I also need to know the difference btwn being kind & taken for a fool.  I have a big heart and I'm the type of person that would give the shirt off my back got someone but he didn't deserve my love or loyalty to him.
3197167 tn?1348968606
Well, heartbrokennurse17, you are receiving everyone's comments and suggestions with an open mind and heart!  That means you have a teachable spirit which MANY people do not have.  It would be good to learn as much as you can about codependency in general.  Not only could you attend Al-Anon meetings, there are also CoDA (codependents.org) meetings available.  You can access A LOT of good information online.  A really old, but fabulous book (imo) is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  There is also this cool resource I just discovered where you can read a weekly reading by another codependent person and if you click on that person's story, at the bottom of that page are good links you can access there as well.  Here's that link:

http://codependents.org/cgi-bin/dada/mail.cgi/list/connections/

In Al-Anon you will learn SO much that you can apply to your entire life!  I found that it helped me to know the difference between "equipping" and "enabling", how to detach with love, how to set healthy boundaries in all areas of my life, the three "C's"....I did not CAUSE the addict to do anything, I cannot CONTROL the addict, and I cannot CURE the addict.  It's easier now to let my "yes" be yes and my "no" be no without becoming uncomfortable or unloving.  I find that I use the tools I have learned in SO many areas of my life.  What a blessing it has been for me over the years.  Probably the best advice I rec'd when I was new and scared was:  "Take what you like and let the rest go."  And the other piece of advice I was given was to go to at least 6 meetings before I made a decision that "this isn't for me".  One exception I found to that last one, I went to a meeting where the woman leading the meeting was WAY DOMINEERING and BOSSY and a total turnoff just to listen to her.  And it was quite obvious she wasn't applying the principles of Al-Anon in her life.  
We have another forum here on MedHelp for those that love an addict.  I'll come back and post that link for you after I get this posted.  Sorry to be so long winded, but as most people know,  that's just "how she rolls"...haha!!
Blessings to you and your son, dear one~
May you have healthier days ahead that give you healing and hope.

2 Comments
Here's the other community on MedHelp that may interest you.  Reading other people's posts and the answers they received can be a big help.

https://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Living-with-an-Addict/show/1176
Thank you clean_in_ks. I will read those. Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to have support bc I've lost most my friends during this relationship
Avatar universal
He did you a favor. Count it as a favor. You really have to ask why after all of this sh*t. I've been in recovery for 9 years and wouldn't even deal with another person in recovery 0 in terms of a relationship- as you never know what kind of broken individual you are going to get.  They are all broken. Stop trying to fix them.
7 Comments
Another way to look at that:  if the person has been in recovery for a period of time (for SURE over one year minimum... ideally longer), and actively lives a life of recovery (evidenced by actions) that person could be one of the best catches!  Why?  Because we MUST be broken in order for a new way of living and thinking to penetrate our hearts.  If the brokenness brings healing, oh my, what a beautiful flower blooms!  
I had known him for 4 years  so it wasn't like I just met someone in recovery. He had been sober for almost a year when we started dating unless he wasn't being truthful. I know deep down he did me a favor but I did honestly love & care about him bc I thought we were best friends but he was fooling me. Just hurtful right now.
I met a guy - outside in the real world-  he had 12 years clean and sober ( I didn't know any of this until he took me to A.A. with him once). I married him. 12 years is the safest amount of time someone should have to be practically guaranteed that he would never use or drink. Even then, he was a cheater and a liar about it. I told you- you can't trust any of those people- no matter how much time they have.  
*Liar about cheating, that is....
LLBea I know you are right about they lying.  He lied to me all the time.  I would flat out ask him if he was using and he would say no but he doing in my house I found out later.  I can't ever have in my home again. It was nightmare.  I also realize I cannot let anyone like that jeopardize my child or expose him to it.   I personally think my bf/ex was high on Sunday.  He seemed that way.  He had no expression what so ever and I know he is on suboxone. Which to me really isn't being completely clean.
*their not they
Good luck to you. I hope you will find a better place to meet men.  Church is a good place. Or regular places, such as gyms, grocery stores.  And may you not allow them near your children- that's never good.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I hope your tests came back okay as i know 1st hand how stressful that can be.  I have a daughter who was diagnosed with breast cancer in May.

Everyone has given you excellent heartfelt advice so i really cant add anything new.  I just wanted to let you know i am here for you also and that i care~
5 Comments
Thank you so much dominosarah.  I got my results the next day after my biopsy as benign thank goodness.  I think that's why he didn't care bc he said "Oh well you're fine.  What's the big deal?" and that he couldn't focus on me.  I wasn't asking him to, I just thought he would have said something like I'm so happy you're okay. I understand he needs to focus on himself.  I guess I just thought he would show he cared & I can see he doesn't now. So, I have to let it go and focus on myself & my little boy.  I just can't stop crying.  I tried to be a good influence for him but I can see that maybe I wasn't helping him at all by being too nice & letting him stay with me. I always felt bad.
I should have also mentioned that he isn't completely clean bc he is on suboxone and I think gabapentin still.  He seemed high when he ended it and was cold & emotionless.  I've going to the park everyday to walk to make myself feel better.
It's great that you're going to the park and walking everyday to make yourself feel better but finding a meeting and actually going to one will REALLY help you with your pain and obsession. You've got to turn your head off about him; what he taking, if he's clean, how he acted, etc.  Time to get some new tools for your brain.
Clean...I will do to a meeting this weekend. Thank you.
That's a happy comment!!!
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