My last chance

[pinklashes]

  I have been reading this forum for some time but haven’t contributed.  I’m writing now because I feel as though I’m at a crossroads in my life (or at least I WANT to be) and I am a pretty isolated person so I don’t have very many means of support.  I’ve been addicted to pills for such a long time. I’m 28 and it’s been about 11 years since I was injured and prescribed my first vicodin.  I remember that my mom had to give it to me because I was bedridden and fifteen minutes after I took it, I threw up.  Even then my body was begging me not to poison it with this evil drug.  But, 11 years later, my injury is manageable and my habit is far from it. I take upwards of 30 pills per day.  So much has happened -- I couldn’t even begin to explain the way pills have tarnished what could’ve been a beautiful life. There have been three major points where I tried to get clean.  Once, “cold turkey” in an inpatient detox center where I was heavily medicated for a five day period in order to curb the horrible withdrawals, once after a month long strict tapering regimen and once after working with a physician that does at home detoxes similar to my in patient experience.  All three attempts were followed by outpatient therapy and all three were effective for a time. and then I would relapse.  To say Im not proud of this is the understatement of the year.  It makes me sick to think of the time Ive wasted and the money Ive lost  in order to feed this habit and in order to curb it.  Neither has been successful and I’ve spent $1000s for my efforts.
Things got really bad this year when I got it into my head that I would use tramadol to get off of the vicodin.  I read numerous posts on here that said not to do this but I searched and search until I could find the one poster who would condone it and messaged her. She gave me some useless taper plan that I decided would be my salvation.  Of course, it was everything but. I traded one addiction for another in the blink of an eye.  What was worse was the seizures that came with the tramadol.  One minute I would be eating dinner or at my desk the next minute I would surrounded by concerned onlookers.  The seizures made hundreds of blood vessels break around my eye from the strain of contorting my facial muscles, they made me loose control of my bladder and gnash my tongue to bits, but most terribly, they were humiliating signs to the people around me that something was very wrong. No one ever came out and asked the obvious, but Im sure they talked about me.  If anyone out there is reading this and looking like I did for validation that they could use tramadol to get off other painkillers, I would beg you to stop trying to find it and forget the idea that that drug is any good.  
So, anyway, lately I have just been so sad all the time.  I am so upset for the time Ive wasted and Im so disgusted with who I am. I am taking next week off of work and I intend to go cold turkey this time without the help of other pharmaceutical meds.  Well, I shouldn’t say that because I do have neurontin in case of seizures.  I havent had a tramadol in many weeks so i am really only detoxing from the vicodins. I intend to use the detox recipes Ive found on here and on other sights to clear my system out once and for all and finally get my life on track.  How will this be different than any other time? Well, maybe this sounds ridiculous but I almost think that I need to feel the pain of withdrawal this time without getting any sedation so that I can come out the other end having experienced it and fought it.  I know that I am strong.  Ive withstood all these seizures and countless other disasters, dramas and abuses throughtout the years and Im still alive so I know that I have it in me.  Ive just gotten weak because ive let these pills own me.  While my friends and family were growing up and moving on I was married to my pills and forgetting what it actually means to live.  
Lastly, Ive become such an isolationist and that is part of why I am writing.  Part of recovery is going to have to me leaving my home and putting myself out there – and it scares me to death. So, I may ask and offer some report from any of you that can understand or relate to my story. Thx for reading

[dominosarah]

Hi and welcome!!  Since this isnt your first rodeo i think you will be fine going thru wd now that you arent on the trams.  I went into my wd's with the thinking that i have to go thru this and i will take whatever comes my way.  Make sure you stay hydrated, get some fresh air and yes that means getting out of your house!!  What about aftercare?  I know you can do this as you sound very positive and know what you want.  We are here to support you so make sure you keep posting~~sara

[GMcp]

for sure inbox me anytime, i am only on day 3 but its not my first time so i think i have some words of wisdom, as do so many people on this board :) and some supplemental alternatives lol

[pinklashes]

i would say now it is just the hydros because I havent taken any tramadol in a few weeks.  In the past I would switch between the two depending on what the doctor gave me.
I know I am in a dangerous situation but I am pretty determined and yes I may take you up on the offer to message you if that is okay. thank u. Also, it may be HELL to get off of them, but being on them hasnt exactly been a picnic so I guess its all relative.  Ive been living in an extended HELL for the past 11 years so Im kind of used to it.

[GMcp]

wow really!? so you are addicted to Tramadol now then? that really pisses me off because last week when i went to my doc to get help he said take the Tramadol to get clean i said i dont want to supplement with another narc i wasnt even sure if it was a narc but i kinda remembered reading on here about someone comin off of it, well so he wrote me a script for it and i refused to fill it, im so glad i did now!

any way back to you, its going to be HELL! 11 years at that much? you need to go into a hospital for the first part or you are going to be in trouble i only been using again for 6 months after 9 years clean and today is the end of day 3 and the past 3 days i really thought i was going to die for real. i got a bunch of supplements today to help and it sounds like they will, if you want to talk more about that you can message me
but please be careful you are in a very dangerous situation

[Halfback7]

Hey ya there.... I'm 28yrs of age and my god can I relate to you in some ways. I have been consuming Xanax for the last 8 years and taking other recreational drugs aswell. I have been to rehab twice and did ok but my ego allowed me to think I was invincible so I took a tablet here and there and next thing you know I'm taking five 2mg tabs a day. Now I'm also hooked on the oxycontin 80mg tabs and I crush them in my mouth. I take about five a day swell. I honestly know what your going through and I had 2 seizures before because I went cold turkey off the Xanax . You need to stay strong and hang in there. I am not clean as of now but I have never been this motivated to get off these evil pills that possess our body and control our minds. If the devil can come in a seductive way he comes in the form of drugs, pills etc...
My prayers are with you as I will be doing it swell. Good luck and remember good always prevails over evil. So no matter what these evil drugs have limited power over us and you need to know that. God bless and keep in touch

[pinklashes]

thank you so much for what you wrote
and everyone else that responded thank you for the suggestions and support.  I will post as I go through it and try to help others if I can.
Im glad to hear that things do get better.  You should all know that it means a lot to me that you would take the time to let me know Im not alone.

[wholenewworld]

Your post is so honest and full of promise. I read it three times. I , too, became a terrible isolationist through my addiction. I stopped answering phone calls. Stopped participating in any type of social engagements with friends and family members. Would sneak in and out of work. Would wait for the next empty elevator, even. I COMPLETELY get your situation and applaud your decision to stop completely. You've planned ahead and know what to expect. Stay with it. I'm only on day 5, myself, from about 150mg/day habit. But the self worth and pride that i've recovered in these 5 days has been worth more than I can measure. GL and God bless!

[tingtongtom]

I think that we all take drugs, especially these types of drugs as we have deep rooted under lying issues, or the vast majority of us. Normally something from our childhood that we are conscious of or not.
You however had an injury and that was sorted, yet you carried on taking these evil pills. Maybe she a specialist, therapist or something along side detox. Be open with your doctor and they will show you compassion.

All the best, tom

[gnarly_1]

HI.....good luck to you and keep us posted when your ready to start your detox....your head seams to be in the right place one thing you need to know about addiction is ir never goes away you need to treat it the rest of your life otherwise your going to be back here again....it seams like once our lives become manageable again we tend to stop the very thing that made them manageable in the first place....stick it out with the aftercare a few meetings a week beets the he11 out of living like an addict.....good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[pinklashes]

thank you so much for writing me back and reaching out to me. I figured I wouldnt get much response because I didnt have a question, but it is nice to hear Im not alone.  Congradulations on 9 months clean after 6 years, that is incredible and it gives me tremendous hope.

[ImDONENoMore]

Hi and welcome,

I'm sending a quick reply to you now so you'll know posting here wasn't a waste of your time.  Tramadol was my DOC for over 6 years, along with xanax, and I quit both of them cold turkey on the same day almost nine months ago - so please hang onto all of the hope you can muster now because it is possible to live your life without these drugs.  I promise to check in with you tomorrow to see how you're holding up.  I just wanted to reach out now that I've seen your post.  And tell you that your post really hit home with me.

:)