My taper. Advice?

[Shelly3577]

Ok.  I relapsed on Day 6 because of EXTREME panic attacks, which I have a history of if I'm not on an antidepressant or it's no longer working.  I decided to try the taper again while increasing my Celexa from 10mg to 20mg.  My hopes are to get down to no pills while keeping my panic attacks away.  I don't mind feeling "anxious", but I'm talking fullblown attacks. So far, it's been a week on the increased Celexa, and while I haven't had an attack, I can tell one is lurking, which leads me to my question that I'll get to in a second.  I know that you need to give an AD 6 weeks to work properly, but it's never taken this long to feel back to "normal".

So, I'm wondering if I should switch antidepressants.  The way I'm feeling, if I tried to CT tomorrow, I think I'd have an attack.  Again, not just anxious.  But.......here's the thing.  When I quit 2 weeks ago, I was taking 50 mgs of hydrocodone daily.  I tapered down and jumped CT from about 30-35 mgs.  Since I started back after my 6 days sober, I have been taking only 2.5mgs at a time, but it's every couple of hours. Still, on a bad day, 20mgs tops in a 24 hour period.  I don't even think it's the high I'm chasing anymore. 2.5mgs? Really?  Would that get anyone "high"?  It seems like I'm taking them to keep the panic away, which is so not right, I know, but I'm being truthful here.  Well, and habit. I think you could put sugar pills in my pocket and tell me it's hydrocodone and it would work for me.

As I said, I get right on the edge of a panic attack and I've been having depression.  I know no one here is a doctor, so I'm only asking for opinions. I know when you stop taking opiates, your brain gets all messed up.  Do you think because I'm taking so little that my brain is going through withdrawals?  I know part of my depression is because I failed and I swear, everytime I stick a pill in my mouth, I think of my failure.  I'm just wondering if that's all that is causing it or am I partly in withdrawal, even though I already went through a withdrawal for 6 days?  I'm so confused and I need this taper and antidepressant to work!!!!!!

[Shelly3577]

Thank you. It really is unexplainable unless you've had one and once you've had one, you'll more than likely have another. Such a vicious, cruel cycle.

[Sonrissa]

Hey Shelly! Oh, the anxiety and panic attacks are the worst! Believe it or not I've never had them until recently! It nearly scared the crap out of me the first time! I almost called 911 as I truly thought I was having a heart attack! I am just now seeing my doctor about this!

I understand about wanting to get it over with, but I agree you should slow down on the taper! Wish I had some better advice, but I failed completely on tapering! Take care, honey! Hugs, and support!!

[Shelly3577]

We have so much in common, as loss and dealing with a premature newborn led me to use when I never liked pills before.  Hated them, actually. No one understands until they've had one.  Not at all.

I've come to the conclusion that I will always be on an AD.  I've been off several times and do fine for awhile, but they always come back. Have you tried any other ADs?

[Pat1956100]

When I read your post my heart went out to you because it has been the panic attacks that have been keeping me from being clean too.  I know I have underlying issues as I was using the pills for grief and you were as well.  It's just strange because I'm not even thinking about my husband when the panic attacks hit.  It's just like bang, you are having one.  No warning, no reason.
My doctor wanted to increase my Effexor but I said No.  I am thinking I should have listened.  He is on holidays again but I guess I will have to do that as soon as he gets back.  I was hoping to taper off the Effexor after I got off the pain pills but I guess that's not going to happen for awhile.

[Shelly3577]

No. I work 40 hours/week and a parent to a 4 year old. I did take off when I CT'd, but I relapsed the morning I went back to work.  My job, nor my significant other, knows what's going on for fear of losing my daughter and my career. They are aware of my anxiety and depression, though.  I've been having it since my early 20's and I'm now 35.

[Shelly3577]

Thank you for the replies.  I probably am taking the taper too fast, but I figured that since I was off them for 6 days, my system was clean and I could just start all over, so to speak.  I'm just wanting to get it over as quickly as possible.  If anyone can private message me on the sly with a good taper, that'd be great.  lol

Pat, I hate that you know how it feels, but it's always nice to know you're not alone.  I was so proud of myself and then BOOM!  Day 5 hit out of nowhere.  I struggled through it, but woke up Day 6 the same way.  I can't live, work, or parent like that.  I have .25 xanax, but even that makes me sleepy and I can't work while taking it.  I do take it at night for sleep.  I'm also taking a great multivitamin and a B Complex.  I'm trying to build my mind and body up for when it happens.  I know how to detox and what needs to be done.  I just can't get my messed up head to cooperate.

[Nighthawk61]

Shelly, I completely agree with Vicki. A taper should make detox bearable. Dropping by small amounts of the drug over a longer period of time.  It's what your brain needs to acclimate to life without opiates.  Since you've chosen to do your detox at home and not in a detox unit, you need to be kind to yourself, as well as looking as focusing on the long term result. Rome wasn't built in a day! You must sleep, you must be good to yourself. You're not in a race. you didn't get this way overnight, and you can't get out of it overnight. Be kind to yourself. You've not spoken about family or work stress, on this post. How are things going at home for you?  Are you off work?  If you need to reach out in a personal message, feel free to do just that. Best wishes and God Bless.    

[Pat1956100]

Oh Shelly, I so understand.  My first attempt at detox I was on day 10 and had a full blown panic attack.  It came out of nowhere and I knocked on my tenants door in the middle of the night to get some percs.  It was horrible.  I too have suffered from panic attacks over the years. They first started after my brother died when I was in my 20's and my doctor prescribed elavil which worked and I don't recall any side effects.  It is also non addictive.  After my attempts at detoxing and repeated  failures due to anxiety, I went to my doctor and asked for it again. He reluctantly prescribed it.  This time I made it 2 weeks and while I didn't have any anxiety or depression I felt sick all the time.  I just figured out that it was probably the elavil giving me a bad hangover feeling every day.  I was also taking melatonin so it could have been the combo. I was sleeping really well too, actually too much.  This time I am only going to take the elavil for anxiety instead of taking it every night.  I won't take it unless I have a panic attack and I am really hoping that this solves the problem.
I know I'm not answering your question but I just wanted to tell you that I really understand how desperate you feel when you are going through one.
I would do or take anything to make it go away.  I need something for anxiety for sure to get through the withdrawals.  I also found that it was when I hadn't slept for over 30 hours was when it got really bad.  
Please let me know if you find something that works and I will do the same.
Hugs
Pat

[conhall]

Vicki gave some good advice maybe your taper is too fast I have read a good taper that works takes time you have to give your body and mind time to adjust. I know you want it to happen faster but unfortunately it does take time for it all to get worked out.  Maybe slow down the taper and Relax just go with it all. I know you are struggling and you really want to be pill free it will happen . Desire is so important it will help you to keep trying and u do have the desire to do this.

[Shelly3577]

Thanks, friend.  I feel so helpless!  I'm going to give myself another week and then probably switch AD.  Something's gotta give.

[vicki595]

Shelly-  I think it's a combination of everything you've described. Here are some facts though:  any AD and especially the SSRIs, work poorly when combined with opiates.  Next, your taper was too fast and you jumped when I think you should have stayed until you were down to 5 mg or even less.

A taper should make detox bearable. Dropping by small amounts of the drug over a longer period of time.  It's what your brain needs to acclimate to life without opiates.

Are you sleeping well now? Lack of proper rest will cause a lot of anxiety and panic.  Just know that it's very common to feel anxiety so do what you can to cope with it. Some take Xanax for a short period of time, for example.

[conhall]

You could be partly in WD you have gone down so much. Your body might be craving more pills.
I Know when I did a fast taper It was hard because my body was a mess. It wanted more pills. I wish I knew the right answer to help you I Know you are struggling. One thing I can tell you is dont give up keep trying like you have been.
I know tapering is hard because its a long process where as CT is just like ripping bandage off .
And with a taper you have to be so disciplined and cant give in and you have to have a strict schedule. Sometimes That can cause alot of anxiety.
Keep hanging in there and You will succeed :)