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Need help quitting percocets

I'm in way over my head now. I thought I could handle it, but apparently I'm taking them knowing thats its not doing anything anymore. Where's my willpower? I was able to quit smoking cold turkey! I've been on and off narcotics for more than 10 years because of my daily headaches and weekly migraines. I've had them since I was about 7. I've eliminated a lot of triggers in my life so the headaches are manageable. However my doctors think I need more and they prescribe me tylenol with codeine. Its never been enough so I started taking percocet for the headaches. I bought them from people I knew. Its gotten to the point where I have atleast 2 every day and my family is suffering now.

How did I do this to them? I'm such a sweet person, I swear I am! But this drug has made me steal money right out of my 7 year old's piggy bank. What kind of mother does that? Writing this is making me cry like God Himself is shaking His finger at me. I have 5 in my drawer right now that I would like to hang on to when the withdrawls get bad I could cut them in half or whatever. I'm scared because I know what to expect. I took 2 at noon today and when it did nothing I took another and by 12:30 I had taken 4 and all I have now is nausea.

I don't know if I have the strength to do this. I just keep failing day after day. I came clean before but lied and said I kicked it. I have a loving husband who works his butt off to support me and our two children. I stay at home all day, struggle to find the motivation to do chores, most times just thinking about what time I should get my fix. I need to be able to do this by myself. Can I? What should I do if I'm struggling? So extremely scared and ashamed.
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Avatar universal
How are you doing today?  Please stick around for support!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It is hard to see the light when you are in the thick of it lufbecky.. first I send you warm hugs...  I see this as a good thing.. It is very difficult to admit you have a problem and one you have no control over.. I see this as a step to freeing you of a secret that has kept your gentle spirit in turmoil.. The first step to Freedom.. I have been married for over 30 years most of it my husband spent with me as a untreated active addict.. I had issues from my childhood that had plagued me all my life.. I lived in my past for a long time and I used drugs and alcohol as a way  to numb myself from dealing with my trauma's.. Well this produced a lot of neediness on my part for my husbands attention..  It was not till I got clean and started to open up with my physc and get some perspective on my life that I no longer needed my husband the way I did.. It seems I went to him for my unresolved pain and it effected my present.. the drugs kept me from healing.. Now we have a balanced relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is You are going to be ok. You have a loving husband who You are is World.. and what a Wonderful and Courage's thing you are doing.. Taking the steps you need to heal to grow to get well.. He I'm sure is very Proud of you I know I'm..
Helpful - 0
4810126 tn?1503942735
Hey,
       Good for you for coming clean to your partner! I know it's scary but it shows you're serious about this and you're moving in the right direction. Naturally, it will take him some time to understand this. Perhaps you could suggest that he come to the site for a broader take on what's going on. It might help him to understand addiction better -- to see for himself that people can get clean  & that support from those near and dear could help put you over the top on this. He could also go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings in your area. I know it's hard right now but it's a necessary part of the process. Part or all of the depression - not to mention the guilt and shame - might be rooted in the addiction itself. So, freeing yourself from it can only be of benefit to you both. You'll feel so much better about yourself and you'll develop a whole new take on things. It's worth every minute of struggle. Dare to think of a new future for both of you. Don't beat yourself up & don't let the shame and fear win. Try to keep your eye on the prize. You can do this. We're here for you. Every blessing your way.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi and Welcome!! I just wanted to let you know that I commented on your journal entry. ((((hugs))))
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think my husband knows. He knows atleast that I have an issue with chronic pain. I said that I was addicted to painkillers among other things and I told him I didn't want to tell him because I know he doesn't really understand it. He gave me a big hug and held me there. He said nothing. Its hard to ask for his support because he's under too much stress as it is. I'm part of the reason for this stress, He knows I feel guilty. But its hard cause he's hurting badly right now too and can't do much supporting without getting it from me first.

How do you support someone when you need it so badly yourself? We argued this morning until I was in tears. It ended in hugs but I know our conversation isn't over. In his eyes I'm always in need of support. Headaches, depression, stupid family, etc; its always something I need him for.

Day 1....struggling badly
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome!  You can do it and you are not a loser.  It's been over a year now for me since I stopped 4-6 hydro a day, xanax, some, fiorcet, ambien so there IS HOPE.

I'm not on here much anymore because life has gotten pretty much back to normal for me and I have a great support system in my daily life.  I do want you to know that like you I got started for multiple chronic pain issues - daily headaches, migraines, fibro etc.  I never gobbled them up and I would characterize myself as a managed addict, however, I admittedly liked the way they made me feel and of course my body was addicted after so many years on them.

I started yoga and after about a year really just decided I was done letting pills rule my life.  The panic I'd feel if I left home without them, the fact that I now got sick if I didn't take them but still felt sick while on them.  My body wanted more so I was in a chronic state of low level withdrawal.

Last year was hell when I went through detox and started my journey but I will tell you this forum was a saving grace for me.  It let me know I was not alone, it let me know I was not a loser and there were many people out there just like me, struggling with the same issues.  Some of us made, some did not, some still try and that is what I will say.  Never give up, you can do it no matter how you may feel at this moment.  Take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time and know that every day you walk away from the shackles of pills the closer you are to regaining your life.

First of all you need to start educating yourself about alternate ways to manage your pain.   Not putting new tools in your box is a mistake.  One of my biggest issues was insomnia which was awful, I still struggle here and there but through A LOT of hard work I am sleeping regularly and without sleeping pills for the first time in my entire adult life.  You can click on my user name and check out my journals for a detail of what I tried to get you started on your own path.

Feb 1, 2012 was my last hydrocodone and I'm happy to say I have not taken one since.  I weened off some of the other meds that take a little longer to come off of and have now been completely drug free for just over a year.  

I had peaks and valleys, even at 6 months I was still experiencing some of the little brain zaps and what not but standing where I am a year later has been soooooooo worth the journey and I'm a stronger person.  I'm more well educated about my health issues, alternate therapies etc.

PLEASE do not beat yourself up, do not give up!  YOU WILL DO THIS! I did!  Sending you hugs - remember to be gentle with yourself right now.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I live in a part of Canada that has a severe shortage of healthcare professionals so I pretty much just have to take what I can get, hence the social worker instead of therapist. The sessions are pretty much the same as I've been with therapists before. Just this one specializes in parenting and she's the best I've ever had, honestly now that I'm thinking about it hehe.

I don't have an actual doctor; I see a nurse practictioner but am on a waiting list for a doctor in the next town over. I see a neurologist at a headache clinic but she so far has just treated me like a demographic and a guinea pig. There's not too many places I can turn to for help. The friends I have don't keep secrets well and the ones that do are in another country.

I was raised by normal people. Teachers. They did a few things wrong but I know that they did the best they could with the resources they had. I don't know why I would turn to drugs. ...I guess I'm pretty hard on myself but I'm like that with everything. I'm on a lot of anti depressants :) They're actually helping too but today I made an appointment with my psychiatrist to take a look at my meds, see if I can remove some or change some. I also made an appointment to see my "therapist" and she made it first thing on Monday (I couldn't stop crying while I talked to her). And of course I came here and bookmarked it. Hopefully thats on track to making up for screwing up today. Tomorrow I won't. I'll come here.

Thank you so much for being here. I'm a stranger but somehow I feel more hope than ever from you guys here. Reading others makes me feel disheartened and scared. I'll do my best to educate myself tho, thank you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It breaks my heart when I read this.. You are not a failure. It sounds like you are a good mom. what I mean by your family missing you is that opiates dull our senses our emotions it steals the color from our lives and if our life is dimmed our family's lives are dimmed.. I do not know why a social worker is involved but yes you can get in a lot of trouble buying drugs illegally.. A True Therapist is bound by laws to keep our secrets many of us have been active in addition while seeing one, me included although one who specializes in the field of addiction would be better....  You do not have to do anything you do not want to do.. Telling your husband is up to you but to be honest secrets keep us sick.. I hope you stay I hope you read others stories gain strength and confidence educate yourself on addiction.. Knowledge is Power.. Attitude is very Important in getting clean is can be the difference between a truly awful wd and a wd that is bearable.. Your mind is very Powerful.. Mot of all realize your are valued you are important and you are a good person that will find her was back....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Don't be soooo rough on yourself. You CAN make it through this, and you WILL definitely make it through this. Just keep reminding yourself that the withdrawals (which should be pretty bearable considering how little you are on) will definitely subside after a little while.

I would suggest plenty of anti-nausea medication to ease the nausea during the MAJOR times during withdrawal.

But, your husband is your husband for a reason: Because he loves you and cares about you. You need to just let him know that you're going to be stopping your medication for your headaches and that you would like his support to bear with you during the horrible time its going to take for your body to adjust to life without your meds.

Just stay strong and realize that from this day forward you can put it behind you and forget all about it. You have fell down the slippery slope so now when that slope comes back in your life, you know to avoid it next time :)

Hope this helps! Take Care :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hi lesa, my husband would not understand how it could have gotten to the point of lying and stealing. He has a drunk as a dad and a stoner mom so he understands disappointment. I've sort of come clean to him before. I told him I was taking a lot but not how much and how often. Since then I've boasted about kicking the habit. Those were usually days where I was proud I only took two. That was several months ago. I'm scared to tell him now.

I have a problem with disappointment. I moved to a whole different country because I can't stand the disappointment my parents and siblings have for me. My husband has a birthday coming up and I should have saved money but I've been spending it on these stupid pills. I have a hard time knowing those things are running my life. Disappointment in myself.

Things are going to change drastically aren't they? Thats hard for me too. Will I loose weight? Maybe if I look at positive things it'll help motivate me cause right now I'm feeling pretty cowardish.

I've accomplished some really great things. I've overcome some extremely hard issues. Came to term with parts of my life I can't change. I've gotta be able to kick an addiction. I failed today, though. Failed miserably. What is safe to tell my therapist? Technically she's a social worker so she'd need to report if my kids are in danger. By my standards they're definately not, I don't slap them around or yell at them. I wash clothes, cook supper, help them with homework, play boardgames, and watch movies. But by law what if that all counts for nothing if I'm taking illegal drugs while they're in my care?

Can I do this without telling my husband? I'm already such a failure, I don't want him to see this in me too.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Lufbecky. Welcome to the forum.. Yes you are a good person that has a disease Addiction.. It does not go away because we tell on ourselves and stop it takes a lot of work and support.. many of us have relapsed.. As difficult as it is you need to come clean and get the support of your loved ones.. I do not think those 5 percs are going to make your wd anymore bearable in the end.. sometimes we just have to take the bull by the horns and get the job done ya know.. we all think we are so good at hiding our addiction but our family usually knows anyway. It is a damn hard job to be a stay at home I did this for a long time. You need support. You need nights out with your husband.. You need to get involved it activities to get you out of the house.. when your husband is home maybe even finding a hour for yourself to attend a aa meeting our na meeting our if you have insurance a addiction specitist.. While we are active in our addiction we are not engaged with our family's we are looking inward we are thinking of feeding our addiction.. You your family all deserve better then this... Lean on us here and get of the drugs ok Plug back into your life I bet your family misses you.. I wish you and yours the very best. lesa
Helpful - 0
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