Aa
Never told anyone about this.....ever
I need help in determining whether I am an addict, or just very stupid. PLEASE help me.
I have always known I've had ADD - it runs in my family, I have the worst listening comprehension/directions-following skills imaginable and these symptoms have haunted me my whole life and made me feel inadequate and like a stupid person in general.
As an adult I finally went to a psych about it, and she put me on Adderall. At first it was amazing. The 1 pill a day calmed me down (I was extremely hyperactive and scatterbrained) and allowed me the ability to formulate a clear coherent sentence without blurting out every thought that came to mind uncontrollably. I was able to listen to ppl @ work when they speak, really hear them, understand them, and respond based on a logical thought out answer rather than IMPULSE. Which was literally life changing for me.
Fast forward like 5 months later - I have gotten to a point now where I am going thru a 30-day prescription in less than a week. I am taking FAR MORE than I am prescribed and I get in this insane, overzealous workaholic streak where I want to work from 8AM until 10PM. The productivity and results gained from that is addictive and I can't stop. When I run out of meds and have to wait another month I go through HORRIBLE WITHDRAWALS and depression and swear to myself I'll stop taking them. My work suffers horribly, I go home at 5 sharp and pass out, and getting up in the morning is painful and torturous. But little by little, I start working normally again and the withdrawal wears off. And I go back to my old self.
HOWEVER - sure enough, as soon as that 30 day period comes around and I have another psych appointment where I'm given a new script, I become so fixated, excited and madly obsessed w/ the notion of achieving that same super-productive, brilliant high that I fill the script and GO WILD again. I literally can't stop myself. It's horrible. I binge for a week (take the entire 30 day prescription), get no sleep, get eye twitches, anxiety, pale, malnourished (don't eat).......its so bad. Then I regret it for the following week/vow to never do it again, and as soon as my body recovers I do it again and am back at square 1. One time I took so much that I was convinced I overdosed and flushed all my pills down the toilet. The horrific fear and panic traumatized me and I vowed I'd never take it again. But sure enough........ I did. Someone please advise?
I have always known I've had ADD - it runs in my family, I have the worst listening comprehension/directions-following skills imaginable and these symptoms have haunted me my whole life and made me feel inadequate and like a stupid person in general.
As an adult I finally went to a psych about it, and she put me on Adderall. At first it was amazing. The 1 pill a day calmed me down (I was extremely hyperactive and scatterbrained) and allowed me the ability to formulate a clear coherent sentence without blurting out every thought that came to mind uncontrollably. I was able to listen to ppl @ work when they speak, really hear them, understand them, and respond based on a logical thought out answer rather than IMPULSE. Which was literally life changing for me.
Fast forward like 5 months later - I have gotten to a point now where I am going thru a 30-day prescription in less than a week. I am taking FAR MORE than I am prescribed and I get in this insane, overzealous workaholic streak where I want to work from 8AM until 10PM. The productivity and results gained from that is addictive and I can't stop. When I run out of meds and have to wait another month I go through HORRIBLE WITHDRAWALS and depression and swear to myself I'll stop taking them. My work suffers horribly, I go home at 5 sharp and pass out, and getting up in the morning is painful and torturous. But little by little, I start working normally again and the withdrawal wears off. And I go back to my old self.
HOWEVER - sure enough, as soon as that 30 day period comes around and I have another psych appointment where I'm given a new script, I become so fixated, excited and madly obsessed w/ the notion of achieving that same super-productive, brilliant high that I fill the script and GO WILD again. I literally can't stop myself. It's horrible. I binge for a week (take the entire 30 day prescription), get no sleep, get eye twitches, anxiety, pale, malnourished (don't eat).......its so bad. Then I regret it for the following week/vow to never do it again, and as soon as my body recovers I do it again and am back at square 1. One time I took so much that I was convinced I overdosed and flushed all my pills down the toilet. The horrific fear and panic traumatized me and I vowed I'd never take it again. But sure enough........ I did. Someone please advise?
Hey Bill...welcome to the forum....I see you have been led thru internet searches to this MedHelp Substance Abuse Forum. You've posted on a couple of really old threads....most of those folks aren't around anymore.
Why don't you post your own new question/story? Just find the orange post a question button at the top of this page.....That will put you on the current forum and people can talk to you, encourage you and help you. You don't have to stay imprisoned....there truly is FREEDOM from addiction....hope to hear from you~
Why don't you post your own new question/story? Just find the orange post a question button at the top of this page.....That will put you on the current forum and people can talk to you, encourage you and help you. You don't have to stay imprisoned....there truly is FREEDOM from addiction....hope to hear from you~
1 Comments
I have been dealing with addiction for about 15 years recently got a script for adderal and xanax 90 mg ir a day and i just keep taking more and more than the xanax to calm down than more adderal,i know i should not be taking anything addictive, trying to c if i went back to na meetings to control n take my meds as prescribed or give them to by bf to give me them daily or just accept i cant take anything in moderationthat makes me feel good
im am going through the same thing just different drug and i feel the same way you do i want help but i dont want people knowing i have not been clean at all i try and alway give in there has to be a way to do this the way we would like have you had any luck with that please please let me know i would like to do thios with you that might help
What happened with this person. I hope you made it through the dark times in your life.
Oh I'm so sorry honey but Sandy is right, this is a vicious cycle that you need to get out of, your very life depends on it. Your brain chemistry is all whacky as you go from one extreme to the other. We all care about, we are here to support you but the real work, the real will must come from you. PLEASE seek out your doctor as we have been suggesting, get into some counseling to help you get off this crazy train and we'll be here rooting and supporting you. It is time and I think you know it! Please take care of yourself, you are worth it and life is worth living.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. All of the ups and downs of the adderall are taking their toll on you mentally and physically. This has got to stop hon - You were clean for a month so you know you can do this. I'm far from an expert here, but my fear is that the lows you feel when you are withdrawaling will continue to get lower with each subsequent withdrawal, and that's probably what is happening now.
You need help here. More than we can give you on the forum. Please go see your doctor again, and tell her that you want OFF of the Adderall. If you can't bring yourself to tell her the real problem, then tell her it's just not working for you. Either way, you cannot continue on like this.
Let us know how you're feeling today - and keep us updated throughout.
It CAN get better, you just have to work at it.
Wishing you the best,
Sandy
Please don't feel like that, no one deserves to feel like that, I know exactly how you feel though, having been depressed my whole life, it's just something I have to deal with on a daily basis. If you need someone to talk to I would be more than happy to.
Never felt worse in my life. Feel like my body is being weighed down with bricks, I have no will to live, more depressed than I've ever been. Doing the simplest tasks like opening an email and replying a short generic response is near impossible. I hate myself.
Hi there Banana!
How are you doing this morning?
Drop us a note and let us know how you are...
Sandy ♦
How are you doing this morning?
Drop us a note and let us know how you are...
Sandy ♦
I don't think you would get in trouble. I honestly think she would just bump up your dosage and make you stick to it and really try to stick to it this time.
I don't think you would get in trouble. I honestly think she would just bump up your dosage and make you stick to it and really try to stick to it this time.
I don't think you could get in trouble legally, I honestly just think she would bump your dosage.
I wish I never took that first pill... but what i think about is how now when I have kids one day I will know the dangers of these drugs. I will also know the warning signs of addiction to look for in them bc I've experienced it myself. I'm going to try a NA meeting.
Hey there - by your own admission you cannot handle this so yes I do think NA meetings and counseling would be really helpful, you need a local lifeline to help you if you can bring yourself to reach out. Secrets keep you sick Banana and until you come clean REALLY with your doctor it appears she will remain clueless as to what is really going on for you.
You can choose to put some different actions into play here and have a prayer of getting and staying clean or you can continue to do the same old thing. I hope you choose life, I hope you choose YOU and living without the pills.
Stick around and post for support!
You can choose to put some different actions into play here and have a prayer of getting and staying clean or you can continue to do the same old thing. I hope you choose life, I hope you choose YOU and living without the pills.
Stick around and post for support!
Thank you all for your support. Reading and re reading your comments makes me feel not alone in this. A month ago When i quit i had told my doctor I no longer wanted to take adderall because I feared its addictive qualities and would rather be on something that is a non amphetamine. She looked at me blankly and basically couldnt understand WHY I would be afraid of a med. meanwhile it's one of the most addictive things on earth. I was a month clean and then things got really rough at home which is no excuse but I relapsed. Looking back, I felt 200x better SOBER and dealing with the pain full on rather than in a drugged state of guilt and adderall comedown. Here we go again....
I appears that you are more worried about what people think of you then getting help. I'm not judging you, we are all guilty of that. You need to get help though. A good doctor will never judge. They also take an oath.You are judging yourself and you need to let go of the shame. You are not a bad person. Take care of yourself because you deserve it.
DITTO DITTO DITTO to what Sandy is saying - please reach out for help with your doctor.
Hi there,
I got your message and you really need to fess up to your doctor about your medication abuse. Binging on adderall is dangerous, as are the withdrawals, and you're putting yourself in both of these precarious positions almost non-stop. Did you visit the website about adderall abuse that I sent you? This is so important hon; you've got to realize just how important it is that you get help and SOON.
I know how important your job is to you, as that was your reasoning for not wanting to stop before - you were afraid you wouldn't meet expectations, right? Not to mention the high the adderall gave you from abusing it.
I don't want to sound harsh here, but I'm concerned for your health - taking a month's worth of meds in a week or two and then doing without for weeks at a time is a very dangerous game. Please talk to your doctor. The two of you can decide on a more appropriate alternate medication for you. You've already stated that there is no way you can stop yourself, so just get your doctor in the loop here and take the first step toward getting better.
I wish you the best. Please keep in touch so we know how you're doing. You can message me again if you prefer, but there are so many knowledgable people here in the forum that it's best to post here. You will get the benefit of their input as well.
Sandy ♦
I got your message and you really need to fess up to your doctor about your medication abuse. Binging on adderall is dangerous, as are the withdrawals, and you're putting yourself in both of these precarious positions almost non-stop. Did you visit the website about adderall abuse that I sent you? This is so important hon; you've got to realize just how important it is that you get help and SOON.
I know how important your job is to you, as that was your reasoning for not wanting to stop before - you were afraid you wouldn't meet expectations, right? Not to mention the high the adderall gave you from abusing it.
I don't want to sound harsh here, but I'm concerned for your health - taking a month's worth of meds in a week or two and then doing without for weeks at a time is a very dangerous game. Please talk to your doctor. The two of you can decide on a more appropriate alternate medication for you. You've already stated that there is no way you can stop yourself, so just get your doctor in the loop here and take the first step toward getting better.
I wish you the best. Please keep in touch so we know how you're doing. You can message me again if you prefer, but there are so many knowledgable people here in the forum that it's best to post here. You will get the benefit of their input as well.
Sandy ♦
hey there - sorry to hear things are so bad. So family and spouse are huge stressors. I can relate, today is 60 days clean for me and although my house is peaceful I have a very dysfunctional extended family situation and while I was feeling so great earlier they hit me from all directions tonight including learning my little sister whom I was thought was staying clean graduated to shooting her oxys - so here I am after two great nights sleeping up and stressed out to the max.
I think we have to remember that we can only control ourselves, we can't change other people and we must concentrate on our sobriety holding it above all other things.
You know intellectually that when you binge you are gonna hate yourself and be right back where you do not want to be - but your brain is craving that escape. I can honestly say I've been find until tonight, I really did want to reach for that pill but there is no freakin way I'm letting other people dictate the quality of MY life - so I ate some ice cream and decided to jump back on here. And here you are.
We all mess up, we all make mistakes - what can you do differently? What are you going to do to set yourself up to succeed? Every day we make the choice to use or not use.
Don't beat yourself up - what's done is done. Pull yourself up and start again. We are all a work in progress.
I think we have to remember that we can only control ourselves, we can't change other people and we must concentrate on our sobriety holding it above all other things.
You know intellectually that when you binge you are gonna hate yourself and be right back where you do not want to be - but your brain is craving that escape. I can honestly say I've been find until tonight, I really did want to reach for that pill but there is no freakin way I'm letting other people dictate the quality of MY life - so I ate some ice cream and decided to jump back on here. And here you are.
We all mess up, we all make mistakes - what can you do differently? What are you going to do to set yourself up to succeed? Every day we make the choice to use or not use.
Don't beat yourself up - what's done is done. Pull yourself up and start again. We are all a work in progress.
Its a vicious cycle we have ALL been through. I personally love adderal... I'm happy, patient and fun on it and it really does help me like myself more but alas I am an addict, therefore 1 is too many and a million is never enough.
My husband has ADD as well and the non-narcotic medicines work just as well with controlling your ADD but will not be addictive. Stratera comes to mind. I'm guessing you didn't tell your doctor when you got your script filled. You don't have to go in there and tell them you are an addict, just say you think a non-narcotic medicine might be better for you because you're having trouble with your dosing schedule. Just be honest with them. Your doctor is a psychiatrist which means they have probably dealt with addiction before and are more apt to help than a regular family doc.
I understand how being the best you can be at work is addicting as well, but how is your performance the other 3 weeks of the month? From what I read, you've been taking it like this for around 5ish months which is not a long time. You aren't so far in you can't see light anymore YET. I emphasize yet because its the path you're on. I thought I was an awesome mom while I was on heroin. I played with my kids, I kept my house clean, I had energy as well but I was looking at the world through tainted glasses. Have you mentioned you home troubles to your doctor? Counseling may not be a bad idea. Not all rehabs are inpatient and they ALL are bound by confidentiality laws unless you tell them your plans to break the law, which you have not done.
Try to taper yourself to a lesser amount so maybe you can make it through the month. I overdosed on an amphetamine type drug and I was in the hospital for 4 days with horrible hallucinations and a heart that was about to explode (170-190 beats per minute the first 2 days, 130s the 3rd day and finally normal on the last. It was terrifying.
Good luck to you and feel free to message me if you need a shoulder. I KNOW how you feel.
~Kres
My husband has ADD as well and the non-narcotic medicines work just as well with controlling your ADD but will not be addictive. Stratera comes to mind. I'm guessing you didn't tell your doctor when you got your script filled. You don't have to go in there and tell them you are an addict, just say you think a non-narcotic medicine might be better for you because you're having trouble with your dosing schedule. Just be honest with them. Your doctor is a psychiatrist which means they have probably dealt with addiction before and are more apt to help than a regular family doc.
I understand how being the best you can be at work is addicting as well, but how is your performance the other 3 weeks of the month? From what I read, you've been taking it like this for around 5ish months which is not a long time. You aren't so far in you can't see light anymore YET. I emphasize yet because its the path you're on. I thought I was an awesome mom while I was on heroin. I played with my kids, I kept my house clean, I had energy as well but I was looking at the world through tainted glasses. Have you mentioned you home troubles to your doctor? Counseling may not be a bad idea. Not all rehabs are inpatient and they ALL are bound by confidentiality laws unless you tell them your plans to break the law, which you have not done.
Try to taper yourself to a lesser amount so maybe you can make it through the month. I overdosed on an amphetamine type drug and I was in the hospital for 4 days with horrible hallucinations and a heart that was about to explode (170-190 beats per minute the first 2 days, 130s the 3rd day and finally normal on the last. It was terrifying.
Good luck to you and feel free to message me if you need a shoulder. I KNOW how you feel.
~Kres
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