New, but feel out of control and spiraling fast...

[Wrecked_Lass]

Hello all.  I'm new, but I think I found this community just in time.  I feel like my prescription drug use is completely out of control and it's only a matter of time before I overdose, get in trouble with the law, or the depression gets the best of me.  If I had to guess why I do this, I would say that it's the depression.  I feel like I need to be chemically altered in some way to be happy.

I have been abusing prescriptions for almost 4 years.  If a medication has any type of euphoria I've abused it (Norco, Percocet, MS Contin, Soma, Neurontin, Adderall, Klonopin, etc).  Aside from antibiotics, I don't think I've ever taken a medication as it was intended.  

I have doctor shopped and a few months ago I even started buying pain meds.  I know I need to get this under control, but I just don't know how.  I've considered telling my doctors that I'm an addict, but I'm not sure if I should.  The one thing I do know is I've got so much on the line.  I'm a single parent, I've got a great job, and I'm risking it all for pills.  I've already had close calls for doctor shopping so I feel like it's only a matter of time before I push it to far (which seems inevitable).  

But my biggest concern is overdose/liver issues.  Lately I have been consuming extraordinarily large quantities of meds.  Just to give you an idea, I took 30, 15mg pills of Adderall in a 24 time period.  I know I have a problem.  I'm just afraid what it will take to get sober.  I just started seeing a psychiatrist, but the finish line just seems so far away.  It's daunting.

I posted my full history of use and abuse on my profile under the journal tab.  

[LeaAnn807]

I promise you that you are so much better off stopping now and getting some help with your depression than you will be if you wait until you're so addicted that you end up in the hospital or worse.  The withdrawals are absolutely horrible.  We spend days and nights around the clock some days helping people on here who are going through miserable withdrawal.  Look around.....it DOES and will happen!  To YOU!  And it's all you have to look forward to if you keep it up.  You AND your son deserve so much better.  There are things that can help far more with your depression than adderall and norco.  That only makes depression worse.  I bet you could look back and see that you are more depressed now than before you started self medicating?? It doesn't lead anywhere good.  Keep talking to us, and don't use.  That is a first step, and we can go from there! OK?

[ricart70]

I think most of us use to deal with depression and/or anxiety. You are not alone there.We know you are not going to feel good at first but trust us on this;you will feel better after you have been off of these drugs for a while. We can help support you while you do this.Just make the decision and go for it.
I read your journal and it seems you have some parallels with vicourageous above.   You can do this

[VICourageous]

Hi..I just stop to check the mail..I see that you know part of the reason you are using..Have you ever tryed to get some out side Support..Like a AA/NA..There will be sooooooo many people that are either in your shoes or just put a new pair on..You can share how you feel and get a lot of support from others..It will give you a lot of in site to this disease too..Also look on this site or other webs sites and look up all the info on the "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasures Pathway"..It is really good information and saves my Butt today besides my Support and God..Hang tight and just fight the fight..OK

[Wrecked_Lass]

I completely agree with everything you said.  I think that I am self medicating to deal with my depression.  I've been doing it for so long I don't like being me when I'm sober.  I know a lot of people have to hit rock bottom before they can quit.  I don't want it to get that bad, but I feel like it's coming and want to stop before that.  I am afraid my rock bottom is going to be my liver shutting down from the Norco, or my heart stopping from the Adderall.  

[LeaAnn807]

Hey, look if you don't want to ever be sober.....you won't be.  When you DO, you will.  You don't have a physical problem YET.  What do you think that many pills at a time or in 24 hours is doing to you, physically?  It can't be good.  So that's a problem.  Maybe you don't have withdrawal, YET.  If you had ALL the pills you could ask for, you would!  Right?  Now is the time to get this under control.  You probably have a great little boy who needs a mama who isn't using or drinking or wishing she could just "not be here!"  That's no way to live, right?  You don't wanna show him that this is how to be.  Our kids learn something from all our actions.  They are affected by everything we do in some way or another.  I wanted to be a better mother.  I wanted to stop, but the withdrawals stopped me for years.  Talk to your psychiatrist about the fact that you are self medicating your depression.  In my opinion, from what you have written, that's what it sounds like.  I also abused everything I took.  If it was abusable, I did it!  End of story.  I couldn't take anything as prescribed.  What I learned from all that?  Ok, I can't have any scripts for that stuff.  NONE!  There isn't anything in my house that could be abused.  

Seriously, you have to want it, or you're just spinning your wheels.  You will get a lot of support here when you decide to quit.  I promise!  This is no way to live.  Think about it......If you don't stop, at the rate you're going, you're gonna OD soon and orphan your son.  Scary.

[Wrecked_Lass]

Thank you for responding.  I spent several hours reading through hundreds of posts and I noticed that withdrawal is a huge issue for most addicts, but it's not for me.  Because of my inability to take a script as directed, I burn through them so fast that my body doesn't have a chance to become dependent enough to have physical withdrawal symptoms.   I have a severe psychological addiction to drugs.  I really don't want to be sober…ever.  If I don't have a script, I will usually drink alcohol.  I really don't want to be here most of the time.  If I didn't have my son to consider, I feel like I would have checked out a long time ago.