I kind of figured this was a waste of time.
It's not a waste of time. All you need is the desire. There's more than one road to get where you want to go. My feelings about treatment were exactly like yours. I went to treatment. I didn't like it. I hated group meetings. What a waste of my time. Except of one thing, the structure of treatment helped me quit. I tried over and over myself. Never succeeded. When I went to treatment I wasn't going to fail. I've never liked failing at anything. My 1 on 1 counselor helped me set goals. When I went to my meetings with him I prided myself on accomplishing the goals. I went kicking and screaming, but I went. I was on suboxone. When I went to group meetings I'd ask how many people in treatment had gotten off of suboxone. Nobody they told me. I said, "Well, I'm going to be your first!" It was tough, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. It wasn't really the content of the treatment, it was the structure. I couldn't tell myself I'd do it tomorrow, I had to do it today. I kept going to treatment after I quit suboxone, after a 6 month taper and a couple months to get back on my feet after quitting. They finally kicked my out. They said I needed to cut the apron strings. I didn't know that you could get asked to leave treatment because you were successful but I did. I'm 10 months free of opiates. It's been absolutely wonderful. I realized that the opiates didn't give me more pleasure. They simply allowed me to borrow pleasure from the future. It's like charging on a credit card. It's fun at the time but you eventually you have to pay up. Well, I'm paid up and I've cut up that pleasure card. I don't have dealers ( What a blessing !!! ), I have money to spend on all sorts of stuff rather than pills. In all its just a much more rewarding life.
I'm not telling you that you have to go to treatment, but don't write it off. I don't care how disgusting it might be. If it helps you quit it's worth it. If the whole "Higher Power" thing that's off putting to you there are other programs.
My treatment program was fairly traditional but there was a lot of latitude. The main thing was accomplishing what I needed to be drug free. Some worked, some didn't. I went to a Buddist temple and meditated. It was interesting but didn't become part of my recovery. I went to some "Smart Recovery" sessions but it was poorly managed. "Smart Recovery" can be a great program for someone who can't/won't do a traditional AA/NA. I have a family member involved in it. There's online group chats and 24/7/365 mentors available online for those times when you really need to talk to someone. And finally, treatment provided UAs. So what so good about UA's you ask? They kept me honest. I absolutely was not going to go to my 1 on 1 and have my counselor tell me I had failed a UA. That wasn't going to happen.
I don' care if you go to treatment or not. But find a way, some way, to quit. The opiate lifestyle just s*cks. Remember what it was like before you started? Life was good. There were ups and downs but that's how life is. You can't appreciate the good without a little taste of the bad. Folks in recovery may sound like a broken record, but they've figured out how to do something you are still struggling with, quitting! Listen to those folks. Use what will work for you. Find a way!
Hi, you've been down this road before but w/ other substances. Now, it's pills. You know what you have to do. Why not walk into a meeting TODAY, get a sponsor and start. You know that your life can be manageable if you are in recovery. You just stopped doing it, it sounds like. I was on the exact same amount as you when I quit. I didn't need rehab. But, I went right into meetings and never looked back.
If you get more, you'll just be right back here. It will be worse and worse. I'm sure you want your 5 year old back. Cut your sources. Go thru withdrawls. (You have to, no way around it.) And get to a meeting asap.
It's not easy but it's simple.
Write back and let us know how you are. Have patience. People will be on here, just not as fast as you would like. Good luck to you.