I was taking 50+ a day and I had this weird way of getting to feeling all guilty and disgusted with myself at night between like 10PM and 2AM, yet somehow in the AM, I was always ready to take more. It's like the guilt would vanish. I haven't shed a tear over any of it. Not while I was addicted, not during WD, honestly none at all. What I never was was sorry for myself. Oh, and I was also never "out". Too many people wanted to protect their investment in my habit to ever let that happen. One text and delivery in less than thirty minutes was the norm. So yeah, I had to fight to quit. I am a warrior of resistance to addiction. And I do NOT like being a slave. I understand what you're saying.
I'm also probably a bigger skeptic than you are. I've done a lot of research looking for the "truth" and the "facts". That being said, there is quite a bit of actual scientific evidence that there is a genetic component to addiction (id est, it's a disease). Also quite a bit showing "Type A" personalities are more likely to be addicts (like a "**** you" for Christmas, your gift is a curse). My take was that I should try any and every possible method to get clean, regardless of whether I believed it was the "one correct way" of doing it or not.
Control. The illusion of control. The need for control. IMO, these are all constructs we build to make ourselves feel better. The truth is, we have very little control, and only over infinitesimal things in the grand pattern. Is one "strong" because they fervently believe they have control (which comforts them like a stuffed animal), or are you "stronger" if you strip away that illusion and deal with reality while taking no comfort in a fantasy of control?
You DO control whether you take a pill or not, it's true. And what color socks you wear as well :) That which influences the decision NOT to take a pill determines whether you're an addict or not. I guess what I'm really saying is that if at that moment you say "no" it's because you believe you have control, or whether it's because you've programmed yourself to respond that way by following a program, it doesn't really matter, so long as you do say NO now and forever.
I have enjoyed writing this, so thank you. And I do sincerely hope that you, by whatever means works for you, never take a pill again. Cheers!
If you read up when I started this post, I was bad..really bad, in tears while typing.. I was in a very Lonly dark place the worst I ever been in my life... I'm not saying what I did was the right way, but it did work for me... I was taking a lot, anywhere between twenty and even fifty a day... I was bad... I looked at myself in the mirror and hated the person I seen.. What I'm saying is fight.. Don't sit in a corner and cry like I did at first... We all regardless of our addiction, have control of our own mind, realize you control your mind... Dig deep and realize this is just a chapter in your life.... What you do today determines the outcome of tomorrow... You choose to be an addict, just like I chose to be an addict.. The whole thing about not having control of your addiction.. I don't believe that... We do have control... We just read over and over that we don't have control, you start to think its true.. After seeing so many people say we didn't choose to be addicted, we didn't ask forth is, we don't have control... ********.. We have always had control, and I think people need to learn the truth, and hear the facts... I'm sorry if you don't agree with what I'm saying...
I wish you luck. You seem to have a plan. Your body reiies on the pills, but, in most cases, it is the mind - your brain - that craves them. If you can control your addict's mind then you have a leg up on the rest of us.
I'm saying... Understanding your addiction, understanding yourself is key to overcoming it.. I still feel like **** physically.. But mentally, the reward of being so much more stronger, mentally is worth the pain and anguish.. I guess it comes down to this, did you quit because you ran out, or did you quit because you chose to... I'm saying, apply the same level of determination and knowledge to quitting as you do to succeeding in life.. In my opinion it's all one in the same.. Mind over body control.. The pills are hell to put down, what helped me in the beginning, was seeing how many other people quit taking them, and how much better their life got...
By no means am I saying they should handle the pills or your level of intelligence helps you get off the pills.. I'm sayin I was addicted, bad! And I knew I was ready to be done, so I did my research, and then I did what necessary to get off of the, I accepted that I was addicted, then the same level of determination that made me succeed in life, I used to control my addiction.. I guess my approach was different.. I guess most choose to get off of the pills when they run out, I chose together off of them, because I hate something, or someone else controlling me.. Yes your body relys upon them, but your mind controls ur body.. Control your mind, and you control your addiction...
Thanks. I was concerned that I was being too straight forward, but considering what's at stake, I had to write what, in my opinion, I was seeing in these posts. I thought that I could control the pills - I thought that over and over again. Finally, after 15 years, I stopped BSing myself. It's hard to do.
Let me just say that I agree 100% with Kyle. My overall point is really that addiction doesn't discriminate and there's no "beating" it, no matter how good you are at other things. This would have been very hard if not impossible for me to swallow at 30. This addict recognizes and acknowledges that he will never be "stronger" than his addiction. Tat2, I had to cut out several close friends simply because they might have pills. I wouldn't dream of handling them, I would relapse. Kyle, here's another example of where your straight shooting is a neccesary part of the overall message, thank you.
I admire your all out commitment to getting clean; shining the light in to the dark corners and seeing what you can scare up.
However, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but some of the things I'm reading are a concern. Don't romanticize the addiction. Don't ever think for one minute that you can control any aspect of the addiction. And don't over think the addiction. It is simple; it will never stop. Staying clean is a life-long battle that you face every day. Granted, the longer you're clean, the easier it is to recognize the triggers and the temptation, but that's it. Having above-average intelligence means nothing to the addiction. I write this because I want you to go in to the next phase of recovery with your eyes open. 15 years of using has taught me a lot.
Question using this situation as example. You took a lot per day then stopped for a year. Does the body readjust itself so if you took a pill because you hit hurt that one pull would work? Because right now one pill doesn't work.
So crazy, I know what you mean about congratulating yourself, r inability to do so rather... A lot of people might look down on me for saying this, but we have a stronger mental aptitude then most, the same drive that made us addicted, is the same drive helping us get off of them, the thought I made myself repeat in my mind, is that I deserve the pain, I deserve the anguish.. I made myself look at the pills hold them and even count them out to sell them, made myself feel the temptation, and controlled it..
I hear ya on the inability to cut and paste on the got dam iPad. I spent five minutes trying to figure a workaround and couldn't. I'm still clean, 14 days, haven't felt tempted in the slightest. I'm waiting for the trap to spring tho, I feel like somehow I shouldn't have been able to pull this off. The Latin quote can be translated several different ways, but the most common is: "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." It is a proverb. Every time I start to feel pleased with myself for quitting, I check that feeling right away. I've been a **** up for close to seven years, regardless of what my stat line says. This has caused damage to others. I need to earn back the right to feel proud.
Great posts. Great advice. My two cents - no matter how good, how talented, how successful you are, the pills are better. They will control you, influence you, and eventually bring you to your knees. Just an observation.
Ben, honor,respect loyalty and pride.. Four words that I heard ten years ago, and have built everything I am on.. Honor yourself and your own beliefs, respect others the way you choose to be respected, stay loyal to your self and your own beliefs... Most importantly, take pride in what you are... When on pills I thought it mde me better, faster nicer, smarter... But it was myself and my own beliefs that made me that way, not the pills.. When I first stopped taking them, I doubted if I could ever get back to being as good as I was when I was taking them, and only when I accepted that I may never be as good without them as I was with them, and still chose to get off them, was I able to see, the pills actually make you ignorent to the things around you, numb to everything.. We aren't really as intelligent as we think we are when we're on them, we are just too blinded by our egos to see the truth.. It's almost five a.m... I been working for almost 18 hours straight, I'm tired as ****, hope you read this and take what I say into consideration... I promise you, I've been clean for almost a month, and the truth is.. I am by far more intelligent and more career oriented now then I was when I was on them... It's your life, and always has been.. Turn the auto pilot off and watch just how fast you accel... And he'll yeah, I will google that, just as soon as I'm not on a ****** I pad and can copy and paste... I don't know how all this post **** works.. But if you haven't decided to start taking them again, I know what your feeling right now.... Make sure you respond, or message me if you can...
Hey man. I re-read this thread three times. It's one of the most interesting I've seen on this site for me in particular. I have waffled on making a comment becuase I don't how to say it without sounding like a pompous ***. So to avoid sounding that way as much as possible, I'll just say that I too am greatly respected in a high-profile line of work, and have all the trappings to show for it. I also took between 40-60 10/325s every day for five years (I estimate that I spent about $350K on these, no trading for me). I made my first and only attempt to quit 10 days ago, CT no taper. I have not relapsed and do not plan to. So kinda like the first time you described for yourself. I really hope I don't go the same route you did, but I guess we'll see :)
Where we differ is that I am a savant with technology, not art. Very different skill-sets and mind-sets. But similar ego. You see where I'm going with this? From reading your posts, I think your greatest enemy is the fact that you're the greatest. Admit you're an addict all day long, admit you can't control it, it doesn't matter because when you go to work you're still better than the next guy on talent alone. No effort required. Just too damn good to believe. I don't really have any suggestions, I just thought these observations might help. I'm not religious, but I like speaking (Vulgate) Latin because of the way it sounds. So if you don't speak it, Google this: "Contritionem praecedit superbia et ante ruinam exaltatur spiritus". That's my message. Best of luck to you sir.
So happy for u.Glad u came back to let us know how ur doing.u r determined and thats great.Have u thought of any aftercare?u sound so happy and thats great but u can easily get them&n ur line of work u r around them.Just dnt want u to slip.maybe u can find a place where they have NA meetings.How is ur wife feeling?is she happy?
Really, thank you all... You have no idea how much it helped, just to tell someone, anyone... It has been my little secret for years now.. Not no more... Never again...
Twenty days and life is so much better, and clear.. Thank you all for actually giving a ****.. Hopefully one day I can help one of you.. Vecci4u second to the last thing you said meant a lot to me... I really appreciate your help.. I been meaning to come on here for two weeks now.. But I was scared to read up at what I said when I first posted.. I was so lost at that time, felt like the world was on my shoulders.. I am almost 100%.. And my mind is focused more then it has been in years.... If there's anything I can do or help anyone with, let me know...
You should stay away from the suboxone. You were on day 3 and the worst was almost over. I found too when I took a pill during withdrawals that the high was different and a little scary. I just didn't enjoy it anymore. Probably how normal people feel taking meds. It gets rid of the pain but they don't really like the feeling that it gives them lol.
I have read that suboxone is very hard to come off of.
I am on day 7 after many attempts to get clean. Taking anything now only prolongs the agony. Hang in there.
Just took a suboxon, wow.. They took the day three withdrawals away, but I'm scared I'm trading one drug for another... Now I feel a completely different high, scary high actually, controllable but scary... Life must go on tho.. Im glad to hear someone else is going thru the same ****..
I know your life , I'm there.... I have great kids, my wife is gorgeous I have a great job,,,, I have all the superficial things I need... But you know what I really have nothing with these pills. It controls my entire day, it controls my life. Everything for us revolves around them in our pocket, hidden in our closet or wherever you hide them.
I feel like crap today taking only 1... And my body is screaming for more, but like pat said the pills turned on us... This is not fun anymore. Get off this ride with me m8?
You have everything going for you but you aren't happy because you are addicted to pills. You will be happy again once you beat this for good. Be proud that you have started your detox.
It's time for you to get to know the real you. You're letting the anxiety take charge right now. The w/d are hard but doable. Weve been there, you can do this! You don't deserve pain and suffering, you didn't make a choice to become an addict, you just are. Let's say you had appendicitis that required surgery, would you deserve that pain and suffering? No! And I understand that addiction involves a bit more free will, but not much. We compulsively use, regardless of consequences. And we have to intervene (have our "surgery") to get better. It *****, but then you're on the other side of it feeling like a million bucks again. The anxiety is getting the best of you! Tell it to shut the ef up!
I just have a knot in my stomach.. It's killing me.. I want this pain, I deserve this pain... I deserve worse then this, I'm so tired of using them using them Asa tool.. And weening myself off definitely will not work... My wife knows but I can't let her see my real shame.. I'm one of those guys who always finds the best and have changed so many people's lives in the process.. Now it's my own life I need to change... I don't ever let anyone in, or let them know thereal me.. I just need to cry or talk or maybe both...
You don't deserve to feel this way and believe me the guilt doesn't help. You are moving in a positive direction, just don't look back and don't cave. Millions of people suffer with addiction and as lonely as ashamed as we feel, we are not alone. It helps to open up, and we're here to listen and offer support. I'm on day six without Norco and feeling more like myself every day. I went back to work, was able to socialize without problems, and the cravings were way better today. The mental anguish will pass, being overwhelmed with life will pass. One day at a time, my friend. You've quit for two month before, you can do this! Just don't fall back down the rabbit hole, and this is a great community. Post and read, post and read, and remember, you are not alone!