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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

OMG IM ALIVE REALLY ALIVE!!!!

OMG!!!! Im ALIVE!!!!! I have not felt this good in YEARS!!!!!!!!!
I could not stop saying that to myself today. For those of you that dont know me, Im 11 days clean off lortab, vicodin, roxy, oxy, whatever I could get my hands on, and good lord I felt like I was dying for the last 10 days. My mind and body tried every trick in the book to get me to use thru the withdrawal because it just hurt sooooo bad. It felt like my emotions and body were on a rollercoaster. So I did the only reasonable thing I could and said f*** it, might as well add some real rollercoasters to it!!!

Everybody here had told me just to get up and get out and I figured the kids had been cooped up for 10 days too so might as well go for it. Like atthebeach said "Fake it till You Make it!!!" Now let me tell you even yesterday I was pretty much still laying in the bed writhing on pain whole body hurting mind doing a number on me trying to talk me into just one pill. Well, I had read somewhere on here that you just get thru by not taking a pill NO MATTER WHAT, so thats what I did just kept sticking it out. And then I heard (from Gnarly1) that this battle is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental, and this battle is either won or lost in your own mind. So I took that and ran with it and decided I am going to win this battle. Now my mind and body were telling me to just lay in the bed feeling like I was dying or take another pill so I could feel better.

But I got on here and everyone was like NOOOO you have to get up and move, both to get the endorphins to your body and the feelings of accomplishment and doing something without the pills to your mind. And, let me tell you, turns out these people here, who have been through it before...they know EXACTLY what they are talking about. I just spent 9 hours at the amusement park with 3 kids, and had the time of my life!!! I had energy to keep moving, actually realized how sluggish and slow I had actually been on the pills, honey I aint moved like I did today in years!!! And something else I noticed, I was happy. I didnt get irritated at the kids at the lines at anything. Now, I didnt even realize that when I was on the pills, I actually didnt have any energy and was a grumpy b****. Matter of fact, probably until yesterday I would have argued just the opposite, that I Had to have the pills to function, that they gave me energy, made everything easier, made me happy and sociable. LIES!!!!!! Im here to tell you right now LIES!!!!

And I didnt have to sneak around, hide in bathrooms or whatever to pop a pill. That was nice! And now we just got back to our hotel room and I have a jacuzzi here so Im off to relax in there. Man, life is soooo good right now!!! Please anybody reading this, if your just starting out just keep going, fight it thru to the end...It is MORE THAN WORTH IT!!!!!!!
Loving my life right now!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
118 Responses
Avatar universal
Is that you? Could it be? My! How you've changed!
Avatar universal
Hah I know right??? It is indeed me, a better me!!! Heck I feel so good I bought tickets to go tomorrow again! :)
Avatar universal
Your post gives me hope
This is my first hour---of a year of doing 5 to 6
OC 80s a day.
I am broke, without friends, and about to lose it all.
am so scared, but i have to do this, or die.
I have just existed for sooo long--the Pink Floyd songComfortably Numb is my life.
I need some online friends to help me thru
this. To tell me what to expect---but mainly someone who
understands me.
Glad to read your story--my prayers are with you
Please pray for me as I start this hellish process
peace to you!
Avatar universal
IM SO happy for you breath in deeply .....thats life your inhaling and feeling and experiencing
and it feel like the first time.....remember to give it your best but also dont overdo it dont let me rain on your praid  if you got the energy then use it...it also ok to force yourself to get started I had to do that a lot it was just getting going that took the work once your moving your able to do more then you think so enjoy the park ride all the rides and have a ball with your kids like many of us this is just part of what you been missing.......Gnarly
1699388 tn?1313836962
This is so awesome to read!!!  Good for u!!!
Avatar universal
Man, I cannot even explain to you where this energy is coming from and whats going on, but I LOVE it! I ended up sitting in the jacuzzi for about halfhour then felt like taking the kids to eat and found a buffet with good homecooking type food and ate Good!!! Now we are back at the room and I couldnt wait to get back on here and see how all my new friends are. This energy and person Im becoming is AMAZING!!!

Gnarly1, I cant thank you enough for everything you have done for me! You are so awesome and thank god there are people like you here to help save people like me!!! Even before I had ever spoke to you on here, you gave me the extra motivation and inspiration to just do it!!! You are truly an angel!

Indadumps, I am so happy that my post gives you hope! Thats really what I was thinking when I wrote it, and even made a whole new post, just so people like I was 11 days ago could come on here read it and really truly see that this is SOOOO worth it and JUST DO IT!!! Now Im only 11 days clean, and there are many many people here who know way more about this then I do, but I would be glad to share with you what worked for me. I was where you are 11 days ago, and I know how it feels to just have no support, feel lost alone desperate, just needing someone to talk to to who understands you and what your going thru.
I read a post of yours where you said you want this you have the will to do it...well thats what it takes, and you already have it! Im telling you, what finally made it click for me was just realizing its really only 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental and its a battle either won or lost in your own mind, and and a positive attitude really makes a difference. Somebody on here said it makes the difference between suffering and discomfort,  and reallyneedhelp said you get out of your recovery what you put into it and I truly believe that, because this isnt the first time I  been thru this, but this time I decided to wage a counterwar and win this battle in my own mind and get proactive and do SOMETHING about my recovery, and I think thats the difference this time. I really wanted it more than anything, I was able to realize it was mostly mental and like Harperoc said, they are my thoughts and I can either control them or let them become obsessions which can become an action(using).They are your thoughts you can control them you just have to work at it. And I was able to just tell myself stay positive no matter what just think its ok and it will be, you know fake it till you make it in both your thoughts and actions.
I know that when you are going thru the hard and very unpleasant wd, your mind and body will do everything it can to trick you into using again. So trust me I definitely understand you. And yes exactly, I have thought that several times, the song Comfortably Numb was definitely my theme song for years. When you say you have just existed man you have NO idea! I had heard people say that before, but really in my mind I thought well not me! The pills give me energy and make me superwoman and I can do anything. But it was all LIES! And I did not truly see that until today, and I know I still have alot of work to do and a long way to go, but I got the first taste of the other side of freedom of the real me again today and all I know is I want MORE!!!!

You dont even realize when your on them that really they just turn you into a zombie, an empty shell of you. Your mind, or atleast mine did will tell you everything else...No they give me energy, they help me work better, they help me be a better parent, they just make everything better...but my mind was lying to me and Im only now discovering it, 11 days clean. Can you imagine what it will feel like at a year? 5 years? I know I want to find out. We are in this fight together, so get positive, tell yourself it will be ok, and just do it, getting started is the hardest part and you have already done that! Welcome to the forum and I hope you stick around and find out how good this other side is. There are many wonderful people here that will reach out to you, and I know I could have never ever done it without the people here. Heck their probably tired of me already as Im always on here, it become a new, healthier addiction. :) I wish you all the best, and of course will keep you in my prayers, and I thank you for praying for me! Im here all the time so send me a message, post every 2 minutes, me and a whole amazing wonderful awesome group of people is here behind you as well!!!
Avatar universal
Nikki, thank you so much! It helps me so much to get comments like that and know that I may be of some help to someone. I came here 11 days ago desperate in need of just someone to talk to, someone who knew what I was going thru, some support, anything. And man did I get it! I wouldnt have made it this far without being able to post like crazy on here and for all the wonderful people here to support you in your best and weakest moments, because somewhere someone has been thru what your going thru exactly. I dont think I would have made it without this place here and all the wonderful people and their support and I hope you find the same! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way! :)
1641357 tn?1470495393
Wow.. :)  You have changed soooo much, but for the better!!!  I'm crying because I"m soooooo happy for you! :D  We needed a post like this here :)  And don't you ever forget that YOU did this :)  

We told you it'd all be worth it in the end ;)  

Almost every time I read a post that talks about how hard and how much he ll it is this song comes to mind...I'm sure most of not all of you, have heard it, if not, go youtube it :)  I think it's awesome :)

If You're Going Through Hell by Rodney Atkins

Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me, seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass, to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to you
That's when you learn the truth

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled I'd fall right into the trap
That they were layin'

But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'

[Chorus]

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
Avatar universal
Thank you! You are always so positive and I guess its contagious and I caught it!!! Maybe Thats why I seem different in a good way :) And thank you for posting that song, I have actually had that play thru my head a few times, awesome song and awesome message for times like these!
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
that a girl. thats what i was waiting to hear. wow if thats what roller coasters do to you, you should live at the amusement park.lol i am so happy that you had a great day and i am sure your children were also extremely happy they spend a wonderful day with mom and she had fun and didnt yell at us. yea. :)  what a difference a day makes. you keep on pressing forward. you sound so positive, postive attitude is what we keep saying it does catch on. i am so happy for you. keep telling yourself that you are happy, you are beautiful, you are drug free, you are doing this, you are loved,
may the LORD continue to bless you and keep you
debbie
1641357 tn?1470495393
Sure thing :)  
1699388 tn?1313836962
I just want u to know that I haven't been out of bed in 2 days and I just purchased this song on my iPhone and I am literally opening the shades, singing, and even dancing!!!

AMEN!!!!
1699388 tn?1313836962
Please recommend some more!!!
Avatar universal
holly you are amaizing! you are giving me maga hope
im about 35 hours about or around, into this and am dieing but your story gives me hope your day at the park sounds so fun, wish i had the energy to do it!
just thought id tell you how great you are!
1307117 tn?1307824851
I needed to read this. It gives me hope for 11 days from now :)
Avatar universal
Wow! I posted here two or three days ago for the first time and you just kind of caught my attention. I am soooo happy for you. I am just about to get started and you give me much hope. I like the part about 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental. I truly believe you. Keep posting and keep an eye on me if you get a chance.....finsfan4ever
1035252 tn?1427227833
haha tiff i played that song over and over when I was going through my detox...and it's been over 2 months and life is very sweet. My big problem is pain, but I do relate to the feeling of energy and clarity- that's back like never before.

way to go tigerlily!!!

by the way, I also listened to rascal flatts - "stand" and "unstoppable"...the 2nd one would have me in tears by the end every time but good tears. and I also listened to "i won't let go" by them and it helped, oddly, LOL.

but the Rodney Atkins song was my theme song, by far and away.

might I also recommend "someday" by Rob Thomas and I had my husband listen to "unwell" by Matchbox 20...he appreciated it.

and I won't share the name of a song but i will share the lyrics...because I think they might be poignant for some of you...who knows!

"I'm sober now for 3 whole months..it's one accomplishment that you helped me with. the one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing i won't touch again. in a sick way i want to thank you for holding my head up late at night...while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight..."


sorry, i'm big time into music...it kept me in good spirits through my entire detox :-).
1035252 tn?1427227833
sorry one more batch of lyrics (ignore me if you must, i won't take it personally ;-) )

"so...so you've made a lot of mistakes...
walked down the road a little sideways...
cracked a brick when you hit the wall.

yeah, you've got a pocket full of regrets,
pull you down faster than a sunset
it happens to us all.

when the cold hard rain just won't quit
and you can't see a way out of it...

you find your faith has been lost and shaken,
you take back what's been taken
get down on your knees and dig down deep
you can do what you think is impossible

keep on believing, don't give in
it'll come and make you whole again
it always will, it always does..
Love is unstoppable.

Love, it can weather any storm
bring you back to being Born Again
it's a helping hand when you need it most
a lighthouse shining on the coast, that never goes dim

when your heart is full of doubt, and you think that there is no way out...

you find your faith has been lost and shaken,
you take back what's been taken.
get on your knees and dig down deep
you can do what you think is impossible
keep on believing, don't give in
it will come and make you whole again
it always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable.

like a river keeps on rolling,
like a north wind blowing
don't it feel good knowing...?

when you find your faith has been lost and shaken
you take back what's been taken
get on your knees and dig down deep
you can do what you think is impossible!

keep on believing, don't give in
it'll come and make you whole again
it always will, it always does...
Love is unstoppable.

so you made a lot of mistakes,
walked down the road a little sideways.
but Love, Love is unstoppable."

unstoppable, by Rascal Flatts..like I said, had me out-and-out bawling by the end EVERY TIME...but it's so freeing.

Remember, Love comes in so many forms..love for a child, love for a parent, love for a spouse, love for God (or any God), but the love we tend to ignore and forget about most often....Love for ourselves. aren't we worth it???
1235186 tn?1549257619
COMMUNITY LEADER
dont lay around. you need to get up and get your endrophins moving. do some more dancing. even if you dont feel like it. you have to push yourself to move,move,move. it really will make you feel better after you do. go for walks, get outside, do jumping jacks, run in place, whatever it is move.
debbie
Avatar universal
Hello everyone, its still me tigerlily11, I just got back home, and Im not sure what happened when I crossed state lines, but I could no longer login with my old name and password. I made a new post about it so you would all know its me. Its really frustrating me right now but Im just gonna keep it moving, learn to accept this is something i cannot change atleast right now, but I am willing to change what I can and just keep pushing forward, and just make this new account for now.
That is part of that whole positive attitude thing I have learned to have here!

Atthebeach, ahhh thank you! You have no idea how much I have looked to you these last few days and how much you have helped me! And yes, I agree I should just live at the amusement park!!! There was a point today when I was riding on the swing things, which were always my favorite as a kid, and I just closed my eyes and it felt like perfection. I felt like I was flying and I just kept thanking God because I know he pulled me through this. I just kept thinking to myself you must remember this moment forever and keep it in your pocket and pull it back out whenever your going thru a rough or weak moment. I wish I could bottle that feeling! It was so much way more better than any high Ive got from a pill! And just watching my kids enjoy themselves and like you said thinking how they were enjoying themselves and thinking hey moms fun and cool and laidback again, man its just an indescrible feeling, or maybe not...maybe thats happiness, I just havent seen it in so long it feels brand new. Ive always been spiritual but maybe not so religious. well turns out something was definitely wrong in my life, I mean obviously. And its sad it took me hitting rock bottom to call out to the Lord with everything I had but, HE really came thru for me and I feel like thats whats making the difference this time, I called out sincerely wholeheartedly to God and I feel he is answering my prayers! That and the support here and the positive attitude and just forcing yourself to move, those have been my secrets.
I felt like a little kid again and I had so much fun and so much energy, you should have seen me, heck I had all the kids begging not to walk anymore they were so tired and I was the one like yea but we havent done this yet, lets just go for it and I was dragging THEM around the park lol! Then I drove 5 hours home put the kids to bed and on here now, but going to bed soon so that I can make it to church in the morning.

Its kind of funny how getting off these pills is actually making me be healthier all around, and Im sure thats helping everything. Its like Im eating 3 meals now, couldnt do that before because I might ruin my high with eating. I take my vitamins and supplements and antidepressants, couldnt do that before because I didnt want to mix pills, so I just took the ones I thought I needed. Funny because it was the one I didnt need lol. Im getting to church and getting a relationship with God, just EVERYTHING in my life seems to be getting better, like a domino effect. :)

gutsnglitter, adriansmommy and finsfanforever,  nikki,
Thank you so so so much!!! You have no idea how happy that makes me that I can be some kind of inspiration to someone! You guys are the reason I made this post, because when I came here 11 days ago, I was lost confused scared desperate never thought I could do it. Im not even sure what led me to this site, just really needed some support and wanted to see what it was like for others that had made it, and I heard stories like mine is becoming and man I wanted that soooo bad!!! So, it only makes sense for me to come on here and share my experience in the hopes that it can help somebody, anybody. I know 11 days ago, I never thought it could get better, but once I read on here it does and that really its 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental and its a battle either won or lost in your own mind, you just have to keep a positive attitude, and also you have to fight back, you have to be proactive. You have to do something different than what you have been doing to get different results. So, some kind of aftercare is mandatory, whether it be therapy, counseling, exercise, church, spiritualty, NA, AA, support groups like this one, whatever, just get busy taking care of yourself!!! I am going to go read all your guys posts as well and send you a message as well as keep you in my prayers that God will break these chains of addiction for us all!!!

And thank you Ashlen for the music and lyrics!!! Its actually quite fitting that this post has become so full of music, because that was one of the most awesome things about my trip, I rediscovered my love of music! Its always been one of my fav things, but I think it was reallyneedhelp first said to me, You have to find a hobby or something you used to love and you will rediscover that you really LOVE it again. Oh how true!!!! I jammed my ipod all the way there and back and man so many songs just brought so many emotions and memories and god I was just so HAPPY listening to music!!!! It was just amazing! So if anyone else wants to suggest some songs, post some lyrics, whatever, it would be AWESOME!!!!!!!!

Loving my sober life!!! :)
Avatar universal
Heyyyyy Its me again!!! I got on this morning and what do you know, my name and password are working again! YAY Praise Jesus!!! I am feeling so sore and sunburned and blisters on my feet but I feel damn good! I earned this soreness having fun and living life! I am going to church now, but I will be back later! Hang in there, keep up the good fight, and just keep pushing until you make it thru to the other side! We can all fight this and win!!! Sending prayers to all here!
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am glad you are feeling better now.  Just remember to keep your guard up as the mental game will come a knockin also.  Sorry to hear about the blisters but it does feel good to feel your feet again!!
Avatar universal
Hey you ......dont know what happened with your log in but you got past it so CUDOS to you
sure glad your feeling better your riding what we call the ....''pink cloud effect'' and its great wile it last your body has purged out the poision and is functioning normal again.... how is sleep going for you??? thats alway a tuff one earlly on ....I would get the most vivid dreams of people and places from 20yrs ago it  was wild like revisiting old friends anyway just ride it out and enjoy the energy and remember every day is going to be different some will be like the last few great full of energy and a new you others will feel like your draging butt ...but they will even them selfs out right now your riding on a rush of serotonin hence the '''pink cloud'' just dont get disappointed if it wheres off there is a normal cycle in there somewhere that will show up sooner or later and thats a good place to be also not high not low right down the middle just take each day for what it is and what it has for you your on your way now get plugged into aftercare church can be part of that im lucky to have a mens bible study with 3 recovering addicts in it that meetings and a substance abuse conslor keeps me pritty well grounded anyway got to run the grandbabys are on the  attack need to bring in the back up ...LOL check on you later ....Gnarly  
Avatar universal
Thank you so much dominosarah, and yea it feels good to just feel again! :) It was funny I was saying to my kids this morning, man im sore and sunburned and have these blisters BUT its sooo worth it bevause we had so much FUN!!!! And my oldest looked at me and says well, I was gonna say that ***** for you but I guess Ill say GOOD FOR YOU instead!!! And it was just like an epiphany moment like yea your right good for me!!! :)

So, I didnt end up ,making it to church this morning. I am a little bummed about it really, but my kids were so wore out, my 2 youngest both fell asleep trying to get ready. So, Im just gonna roll with it, you know accept the things I cant change and not let them destroy me. And hey Im taking this as a sign that I just needed to relax and rest, heck I been going hard the last 2 days. So, Im just gonna watch some church on tv and catch up on here, see how everyone is doing.
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495284 tn?1333894042
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