One day at a time..

[mel123emt]

So.. NEVER thought or would admit I was an addict. My realization came the day I found myself sitting in a N/A meeting.. whew. I will not bore anyone with the detaills of how it started, but it went from Darvocet to percocet, to Norco, back to perocet.. and now vicodin. I can say that my addiction was not to the point that i could not get out of bed with them, yet they were ALWAYS my first thouhgt when i woke up, and were constanly in my thoughts all day... Sure, I have an excuse to take them, I injured myself in a very stiupd incident working as a Paramedic. So I am paying the price 4 years later. My injury can never be repaired. So I have been told, you either take pain meds or be in pain.. GREAT..i went from taking 4 a day to 15. i weigh 98 lbs. you do the math. Most people don't understand how i can even function while taking that many. i often wondered how THEY functioned without them.. I often look around me and wonder, why can't I be NORMAL like those people and NOT take drugs. Answer: I can... i CHOOSE not to. well at least i did. I finally leaped.. I sat down with my Pain management Dr (who in my opinion, are just drug pushers, that have a license) that I wanted to go from 120 a month to.. (gritting teeth) 15..gulp. My mind is telling me, this is right.. while my body is telling a much different story.. It knows what hell w/d is...hell. The legs pain, the shortness of breath and pain after walking up one fight of 6 stairs (for me a runner daily of 3 miles, this is not normal) My job has been impacted by this, as well a my new marriage. My husband will never understand...and I do not expect him to. I only need him to be supportive. There have been countless fights over this. He used to lock my pills and give them to me as perscribed...HA... I have found myelf many times, trying to break into that safe.. knowing where the key was.. and basically manulipating my husband. oh, way too easy. I NEVER though I would get to the low of lows.. which I did. buying them off the streets..I think then, it hit me that i was a FULL BLOWN ADDICT. Now what? I have done the w/d MANY times..The first one was the absolute worst. i went from 15 pills a day.. to NONE..sleeping was NOT an option. So here i am today.. trying my best to get through each day.. one day at a time. Sure I do still use them, however I am PROUD that I do not use in the doses i was. Am i an Addict? absolutely. I will ALWAYS be an addict. My fears are daily.. what am i doing to my body..my marriage.my life? I AM THE ONLY THAT CAN CHANGE THIS. And I will...one day at a time.. as long as i have freinds and support, I know this will happen.. Good Luck to everyone who is in the same boat as me.. as long as we have each other.. we can do this..

[mel123emt]

days like today, really make me angey. I feel SO crappy, I called off work. Once again, I made up another excuse. First it was my Mom was sick, now I am sick.. These are the days, that I ABSOLUTELY hate that my addiction takes over. It's like "its" laughing at me.. It got the better of me, AGAIN. In my mind I always know the right thing to do, yet my body tells a different story, and here I am .. at home..

[JDRMinSD]

Maybe you can find a job that provides you with some of the things that you're old job used to?  Could you do an administrative job in that field of work?  Could you work in an ER?  

Just sounds like that job gave you happiness and although maybe you can't go back to that exact job, maybe you can find another one that also makes you happy.

Sounds like a moment in life that we all have...when it looks like everything is going totally wrong but it's actually just a new beginning we weren't ready for...

[mel123emt]

I need to regain control of my life.. I often find myself thinking about the way I used to be..Drug Free.. How I never counted down the days till my next refill. I think alot of my w/d is due to taking neurotin the seizre medication. Even though it is being used to treat something else, it calms me.. helps me sleep better. Still, it's like trading one for another. GD why can't I just do it?? I mean.. be "normal" like most people. I often blame myself in uncontrolable ways for getting injured. I do the "what if's" ALL DAY long. What If I lifted with my legs not my back, realized my own limitations. I stuggle with a addiction, and I also stuggle wih the fact that i wil never work on a ambulance again.. the thoughts sourronds me daily, especially since my Mother and My husband are both paramedics. I hear all the stories they tell, and wish that was me. I did witness some death in that field. I worked on a "kids" truck. I transported kids by air and ground. I worked for a highly reconized hospital and transported the sickest of sick children. I loved that job..It took it's toll on certain days. I can't tell you you the most amamzing feeling in the entire world is when someone that I helped, a parent who's child was sick and I helped them through the time of need,  comes up to me and shakes my hand, or hugs me and says do you remember me? Thank you.. YOU saved my life. That's when I remember the child that I helped, or the peroson that "DFO" (that's the term EMS workers use for certain people.. It means DONE FELL OUT.. LOL) in front of me, and I helped. THAT EXACT FEELING OF HAPPINESS AND CONFIDENCE IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO USE TO HELP ME. It's like I replace my feelings of using with happy..well warm fuzzy feelings. I don't know if that is good or bad. I have to face certain feeling some day. I hope I will. it's funny how some people don;t understnad. I actually have a family physican KICK me out of her practice after I told her about my addiction. She gave me a few sedatives, and the next thing you know.. i get a letter.. what the H..E.. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS IS THAT ABOUT? It's SO hard to find support.. I have found it here..

Sorry for all the rambling.. sometimes your just have thoghts that are there,and you gotta get them out.. I can't tell you how much everyone has been on here.. I can;t do it without all your support.. It's my turn to say it. THANK YOU..

[mel123emt]

So.. i feel as if I want to jump. Jump out of this life and into a clean one. Yes, all.. I"fell off the wagon" Two weeks ago I had a new procedure done that is somewhat experimental. At this point, I am willing to try anything to help with the pain. After, I had tremdous pain. The Dr gave me Vicodin, which to someone who has done perocet for 4 years, is like..well a mint. does nothing...EXCEPT but me right "effin" BACK into a struggle. I am slowly realizing that I will NEVER EVER be able to take pain meds as I should. friends, I took 120 pilss in less that 12 days. I took so many on a few days, it made me puke (yes, I think we all have been there and then get mad when it happens becuase we just threw up the pills we just took and are now mad we "wasted" them!) Disappointment is an understatement of how I feel about myself.  Fow awhile things were going great. Now a set back. MAJOR. However, I need to pick myself up, Suffer the damn w/d ALL OVER AGAIN.. and get movin.. I often wonder, how long is the positive attitude going to hold on EVERYTIME I have a slip up.. I hope for along time. My N/A meeting is tomorrow.. I am hoping that will help.

[lady67]

I agree with that.  Once when I was trying to quit, I had refills and called the pharmacy and told them to cancel the refills I had left on a rx for ambien.  They said ok.  Long story short, Had a problem, called and they refilled it.  Ended up sleep driving again and wrecking.  I guess I should I have done what you guys did.  I just don't think I was or am strong enough to get them filled and then flush them.  I still don't trust myself.  If they were in my hand, I KNOW I would take one.  Hubby is so fruggle that if he would never get them filled and then flush them for me.  Lucily/unluckily, I have no refills anywhere.

Good Morning All
:) 67

[mel123emt]

How right you are.. I have ONCE had it refilled and walked it straight to the Pain Management center and made them take it. One most occasions, I bring them straight home and flush them. It's kinda funny, sometimes when I do that I feel like that little girl who is flushing her goldfish down the toliet, I am that upset.. its crazy...

Have a great day all!

[worried878]

but u will get situated...fyi...it is hard to quit with refills hanging out at the pharmacy....when u get ready to quit have everything in order...time is coming..u will know and u will get it done

[mel123emt]

aahh....how right you are about the job situation. I think alot of it centers around the fact that I can't do what I love..working in the medical field. It's double stressful for me since my Husband is pre-med and facing the fact that a move might be in our near future.. man. So as many times as I come home at night and just want to quit my job.. i can't. Today was.. well.. not bad. I was actually quite busy due to a few people being out on vacation, so that helped.. It was weird, I looked at the date today durning my hustle and bustle of the day, and realized. hmm...it's time for my perocet refill. so......yeah. it may be time, but I haven't picked up the phone. My N/A Thursday can't come soon enough!!

[worried878]

u will....and who knows...after u are clean u may want to do some life changes...maybe even a job u enjoy would be in order...course we cant go too far out on a limb...some jobs have such great retirement and stuff we get kinda stuck...but u will feel better..maybe a walk at lunch...good luck

[mel123emt]

Good Morning all! So, after a night of whew..restless sleep to say the least..and 4 sleeping pills ugh. here I am. I get to go to my WONDERFUL desk job today where there is absolutely NOTHING to do but THINK about my pills. My job is the one place I find the hardest to take my mind off of things.. I have a very boring job running payroll ALL....DAY....LONG.... These days are the true test. I sit at my desk, and often pray for me to just faint or something happen so that I may just go home. However, I HAVE TO BEAT THIS.. and I will... Good luck to everyone! Have a great day!!

[worried878]

I think this is something u have to mull over and analyze...posting of the forum is a great way to do that...when u reach the point that u know what has to be done...then u make a plan..and u stick to it...u set a goal quit day and then u reach that goal...be it tapering or ct...but when u quit all pills have to go...it is hard to quit if u can not mentally and physically let them go...u may decide that u can use at the prescribed dose....i am not going to even try and guess whether u can or not..stay at the prescribed dose i mean...i can not...u may be a stronger person than i or perhaps not a true addict...these are things only u know and until i accepted these facts..that i am an addict and i can not use responsibly...i was doomed to failure

[SFgirll853]

mel123emt I TOTALLY get where you are coming from!  I went to the gym today to get my mind off of the w/d and somehow made it through my workout.  Came home and took an epsom bath and then it hit me AGAIN.  Does my neck hurt?  Wait, was that a nerve firing off in my fingers?  I keep going back and forth between will I be able to use the medication as needed ever again and just toughing it out forever.  I have decided to take it one day at a time.  Trying to figure out the future is just too much to bite off right now.  Right now my back is ok but it might not be a month from now.  I cant think about that, I can just think that I did not take any pills TODAY.  And neither did you!  ;-)

Talking to my husband and admitting to him I had a problem was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is hard for them too.  They see us in pain and want us to feel better but also doubt the validity of our physical pain I am sure.  I am glad you feel safe to express yourself here.  This was the only place I felt safe until I talked to my husband openly and honestly.   Now I THINK I feel safe both places ;-).

The reality is though, once it is on the table... its ON THE TABLE.  You will know when your ready.  Day 4 and hanging tough..... one day at a time.

[miss_tiffany22]

Thank you for sharing your story. what is nice about a place like this is that you can lay it all on the table without fear of judgement, something we can't do in our real lives. here is a place where people understand your struggle. I too  am an addict and am touched by your words and your situation. Please, feel free to talk to me anytime, I am really looking forward to meeting people to share the stuggle with!! Thank you for sharing!!  

[mel123emt]

i think that is what scares me the most.. i think that i can go back to a "normal" dose with no problems..sticking with the normal dose...well your right.. isn't doing ANYTHING just pacifing my addiction..god.. Ineed to stop and walk away.. i do have a pretty strong support system. However the hardest part of having someone who you love try to work with you on your addiction.. well... not as easy as it sounds. Things that i have shared here, wich are pretty minor, he does not know. I'm not comfortable talking to him. HERE I feel safe to express myself... Thank you for your words, I think you gave a few more things to consider..

[worried878]

Another chronic pain patient...since age 26..remember the day it happened and it is now 22 years later....i dont think for me going back to the presribed dose would do anything except stretch my nerves to the limits every day ..and how would 4 lortabs a day help someone like me with a tolerence of much more....i guess this is the reason they are not intended for long term use and chronic pain...most of the population can not stay at 3-4 a day forever and get pain relief...i think it is all or none and i choose none now...well i am not sure that it is even a choice when I hit a certain point and the mental pain of trying to keep my supply up to par to meet my ever growing habit is even possible for someone like me..hate it for me....u r lucky to have ur hubby who cares for u

[mel123emt]

I am doing my best to stay far away from them as possible, however I always tell myself to excise good control and that sometimes does not happen. Yes, there are times that I would love to fall back to my old ways, but I know I can't. I'm not perfect, however asking for help is something that in some ways I am not willing to do. I am better off if everyone leaves me alone..ie..family asking.. how are you..how many have you taken today. some days are worse than others. like today. I have decided not to take any pills. Thy are not within my reach, and it sucks. however, this is MY choice. The w/d does bolw.. but I learn to redirect my feeling of addiction and w/d toward other things..like going for awalk with my dog, or going to have ice cream with my husband!! Those things take my mind off of it. It is a day to day struggle.. I remember getting into a fight with my husband the day before our wedding, because he didn't want me to be "high" at our wedding.. my defense: GOD! I have to wear a 30 pound dress all day and night! my back is gonig to kill me!! Of course, I lost. sort of.. here comes the deception, and lying.. of course my "source" was there. Did I take any? yes. 1. that is it. and I tell ya what.. I would have not known the difference if I took 10. That is the day I truly realized that if I preoccupy myself with other wonderful things in my life, I will put the daily w/d habits out of my mind.. and..so it goes.. i think I was "brain washed" by my drs telling me that I basically just can't function w/o my little pills.. I'm learning that I can.

SFgirll853, YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Together we can do this! stay strong Darling, your almost there..

[JDRMinSD]

I think a lot of people here have or had legitimate pain.  That's the issue.  Many people didn't start off abusing the meds, they just snuck up on us.  

I have back pain and have been able to control it pretty well until this weekend, when I injured it again.  Today is day 36.  I'm just struggling to stick to Ibuprofen 800mg and stretch, etc.  And, it's actually working.  Not as quick or as well as the little evil pills did but well enough for me to still be on day 36.  

I think that over time our bodies will adapt to handling pain without the use of narcotics and I'd rather have a little pain and NOT be taking them than I would the alternative!

Good luck, stay strong...

[lady67]

WoW!  Your story is so much like mine...scary

[SFgirll853]

Thank you for sharing so much!  I too am a chronic pain "patient" and am on day 3 detox from 100 mg norco a day.  Lets just say its not exactly fun.  Reading your post shook me out of the mental state I was just in.  My husband has my pills... I dont know where, but he has them.  I gave them to him 3 days ago and told him I think I have a problem with these.  You need to take them and I am going to go cold turkey.

Today, my mind was racing with stories I could tell him about my pain, that it was coming back, that my nerves are on fire, etc. etc. They arent.  I have been working hard at becoming pain free through therapy and exercise... and it is actually WORKING!  For us addicts that is good news and bad news.  For 4 years I have had a "reason"to take them.  Now the reason is gone but I still want them.  Great that my back and neck are finally feeling better after years of pain but now I dont get to have my beloved pills.  

What if the pain DOES come back?  Does my husband think I am a druggie?  All the thoughts your posting evoked.   Good news... I am not going to ask my husband... at least not right now.  

Thank you for your post it really helped me... right now.

[addictedme]

Well you"ve come to grips with being an addict,,now your choice is to be an active addict,an addict who is just abstinant (not using) or be a recovering addict.

[mel123emt]

I read your post, and cried.. I often wonder that the effort and energy I put into finding my next pill, I could put into my recovery. i am tired of Dr shopping, and trying to con every dr I can.. I can say, that sure I go through w/d however it isn't as bad some days than others which gives me the hope that i am going in the right directions. alot of it in my mind right now, is habit. i do this out of habit.. I need to break that. as the saying goes.."one is to many, a thousand is never enough... "

Thank you..I need this... I need to gain control of my life.. I am always here for you..

[mel123emt]

I injured my ..God.I can spell it. LOL.. let's see.. it's the soiaze muscle.. there. my failed attempt at spelling. It's the muscle in the lower back that runa around to your groin. My is so bad it will rotate my hip out of place. I have procedures done where they actually burn the nerve ending off.. yep. doesn't work.

I do not think that going back to the way i should take them. i think that's my problem. My hopes are that it will.. but I think that It needs to be a done deal. I worry that what if I injure myself, or ever need pain meds again? As most addicts, i find myself taking them when I don't need them. what to do..what to do? These Dr's "help" enable you.. then when you go to them for help.. well they don't get it.

enemy.. what and how long?

[enemy48]

Hi~
I'm a painkiller addict also.  

Can I ask what is your injury?

Do you think that going from 15 a day to 4 a day over a period of time will give you the relief you need?

If you can take your meds as prescribed and not go back to the abuse, you're rare.

Best Wishes.

[Rose703]

If you can stick to a taper plan it would be easier but still won't be painfree. In my case I knew I could never taper so I went CT off of a very large dose of Oxycontin. It took about 7 days for the physical w/d's to be gone, but once it's over you will feel so much better. Won't it be great to not worry about where you will have to go to get your next pill?

I have legitamite pain as well, but you will be surprised at how much your body will control the pain with something as simple as an Aleve!!

Sleep is always an issue for all of us who quit, but that will get better too. Look on this page on the right hand side and read through the Thomas Recipe which has some excellent advice for some things to help ease the pain.

Lastly, keep posting here!! You will find the kindest people in the world on here!!