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518598 tn?1215513006

One day at a time..

So.. NEVER thought or would admit I was an addict. My realization came the day I found myself sitting in a N/A meeting.. whew. I will not bore anyone with the detaills of how it started, but it went from Darvocet to percocet, to Norco, back to perocet.. and now vicodin. I can say that my addiction was not to the point that i could not get out of bed with them, yet they were ALWAYS my first thouhgt when i woke up, and were constanly in my thoughts all day... Sure, I have an excuse to take them, I injured myself in a very stiupd incident working as a Paramedic. So I am paying the price 4 years later. My injury can never be repaired. So I have been told, you either take pain meds or be in pain.. GREAT..i went from taking 4 a day to 15. i weigh 98 lbs. you do the math. Most people don't understand how i can even function while taking that many. i often wondered how THEY functioned without them.. I often look around me and wonder, why can't I be NORMAL like those people and NOT take drugs. Answer: I can... i CHOOSE not to. well at least i did. I finally leaped.. I sat down with my Pain management Dr (who in my opinion, are just drug pushers, that have a license) that I wanted to go from 120 a month to.. (gritting teeth) 15..gulp. My mind is telling me, this is right.. while my body is telling a much different story.. It knows what hell w/d is...hell. The legs pain, the shortness of breath and pain after walking up one fight of 6 stairs (for me a runner daily of 3 miles, this is not normal) My job has been impacted by this, as well a my new marriage. My husband will never understand...and I do not expect him to. I only need him to be supportive. There have been countless fights over this. He used to lock my pills and give them to me as perscribed...HA... I have found myelf many times, trying to break into that safe.. knowing where the key was.. and basically manulipating my husband. oh, way too easy. I NEVER though I would get to the low of lows.. which I did. buying them off the streets..I think then, it hit me that i was a FULL BLOWN ADDICT. Now what? I have done the w/d MANY times..The first one was the absolute worst. i went from 15 pills a day.. to NONE..sleeping was NOT an option. So here i am today.. trying my best to get through each day.. one day at a time. Sure I do still use them, however I am PROUD that I do not use in the doses i was. Am i an Addict? absolutely. I will ALWAYS be an addict. My fears are daily.. what am i doing to my body..my marriage.my life? I AM THE ONLY THAT CAN CHANGE THIS. And I will...one day at a time.. as long as i have freinds and support, I know this will happen.. Good Luck to everyone who is in the same boat as me.. as long as we have each other.. we can do this..
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401095 tn?1351391770
but u will get situated...fyi...it is hard to quit with refills hanging out at the pharmacy....when u get ready to quit have everything in order...time is coming..u will know and u will get it done
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518598 tn?1215513006
aahh....how right you are about the job situation. I think alot of it centers around the fact that I can't do what I love..working in the medical field. It's double stressful for me since my Husband is pre-med and facing the fact that a move might be in our near future.. man. So as many times as I come home at night and just want to quit my job.. i can't. Today was.. well.. not bad. I was actually quite busy due to a few people being out on vacation, so that helped.. It was weird, I looked at the date today durning my hustle and bustle of the day, and realized. hmm...it's time for my perocet refill. so......yeah. it may be time, but I haven't picked up the phone. My N/A Thursday can't come soon enough!!

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401095 tn?1351391770
u will....and who knows...after u are clean u may want to do some life changes...maybe even a job u enjoy would be in order...course we cant go too far out on a limb...some jobs have such great retirement and stuff we get kinda stuck...but u will feel better..maybe a walk at lunch...good luck
Helpful - 0
518598 tn?1215513006
Good Morning all! So, after a night of whew..restless sleep to say the least..and 4 sleeping pills ugh. here I am. I get to go to my WONDERFUL desk job today where there is absolutely NOTHING to do but THINK about my pills. My job is the one place I find the hardest to take my mind off of things.. I have a very boring job running payroll ALL....DAY....LONG.... These days are the true test. I sit at my desk, and often pray for me to just faint or something happen so that I may just go home. However, I HAVE TO BEAT THIS.. and I will... Good luck to everyone! Have a great day!!
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
I think this is something u have to mull over and analyze...posting of the forum is a great way to do that...when u reach the point that u know what has to be done...then u make a plan..and u stick to it...u set a goal quit day and then u reach that goal...be it tapering or ct...but when u quit all pills have to go...it is hard to quit if u can not mentally and physically let them go...u may decide that u can use at the prescribed dose....i am not going to even try and guess whether u can or not..stay at the prescribed dose i mean...i can not...u may be a stronger person than i or perhaps not a true addict...these are things only u know and until i accepted these facts..that i am an addict and i can not use responsibly...i was doomed to failure
Helpful - 0
446097 tn?1223694666
mel123emt I TOTALLY get where you are coming from!  I went to the gym today to get my mind off of the w/d and somehow made it through my workout.  Came home and took an epsom bath and then it hit me AGAIN.  Does my neck hurt?  Wait, was that a nerve firing off in my fingers?  I keep going back and forth between will I be able to use the medication as needed ever again and just toughing it out forever.  I have decided to take it one day at a time.  Trying to figure out the future is just too much to bite off right now.  Right now my back is ok but it might not be a month from now.  I cant think about that, I can just think that I did not take any pills TODAY.  And neither did you!  ;-)

Talking to my husband and admitting to him I had a problem was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is hard for them too.  They see us in pain and want us to feel better but also doubt the validity of our physical pain I am sure.  I am glad you feel safe to express yourself here.  This was the only place I felt safe until I talked to my husband openly and honestly.   Now I THINK I feel safe both places ;-).

The reality is though, once it is on the table... its ON THE TABLE.  You will know when your ready.  Day 4 and hanging tough..... one day at a time.
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