Opiate Withdrawal again - Help me

[DownAgain1337]

I was on heroin for 5 years fortunately that was almost 10 years ago.  I am happily married with kids now and have a great job living the dream.

I had a kidney stone and my doctor gave me 90 4mg dilaudid.  My wife said I took 60 pills in one week.  Oh how fast we fall back into addiction.  I love every minute of it too.  My wife and I were fighting I had a huge bottle of pills.

I have been withdrawaling for 3 days now after cold turkey.  I keep saying tomorrow I will feel better it was only a week.   I fear because of my history my body is predisposed to this now.  My tolerance was back almost instantly and the F'ing withdrawals followed within a few days. My wife took the rest of the pills and now I keep thinking about scoring drugs to feel better.  I can't believe how fast everything is unravelling.  I don't want to lose it all after 10 years.

[schoneslaapster]

I really feel for you. Like you,after being clean for 18 years I got hooked again on heroin...still dont understand how I fell for it. Good luck, dont let the fear get to you, believe in yourself, YOU CAN DO IT!!!

[elatedexaddict13]

It's that way for all of us (TRUST ME)- and you are absolutely right about the 'romancing' thing. It's always "it will only be one last time" or "I can do it and not have problems". The fact of the matter is that we have to remember all the people we hurt, usually unintentionally, all the lies, the non-law abiding behavior, AND the dt's that you're experiencing over and over and over and over. It's a really crappy way of life and we all know it. Yet, we all still romance this notion that it will be ok this time.
It's what you do with these stinking thinking thoughts is how we get better because we do possess the disease of addiction... we need to learn to manage those thoughts. See if you can call someone, or even talk to your wife- my husband hears it all from me and just by talking about the triggers or stressful situations (which can be and usually are triggers) helps tremendously!! I, also, go to AA or NA meetings 2 or 3 times a week (I feel there is more sobriety in AA and I substitute when they say 'alcohol' for 'opiates').
Most of all- you need to obtain that will power you possessed to stay clean for the last 5 years and you CAN do it. It's so much harder to live life the way we used to than it is now, and I remind myself that everyday. Stay positive and keep coming back to let us know how you're holding up. Talking with like-minded people works a great deal.  :)

[weaver71]

The video Clean_n_Kansas mentioned explains the survival mechanism that addicts have developed. Drugs make an addict more like a rat or lizard even, than a human being. The decision maker brain is turned off and a sense of fear pushes the craving. It feels like we  need it, if you don't put drugs in your body, it gets better. You felt better before this run, right? You will feel good again, take it on faith for now. You are healing, you are having growing pains. Hang in there, you already know it's worth it, so hang in there.

[DownAgain1337]

No my wife either flushed them or has them hidden.

Why is it that I still feel like drugs are cool.  When I don't know anyone who does them.  I mean wtf is wrong with my head.  I still have this romantic notion of getting high and maintaining a life.  Which I know doesn't work for me. ever never has.

[elatedexaddict13]

Do you still have anything in the house?

[DownAgain1337]

Went to a meeting last night felt I little better yesterday night.

Withdrawals are back and bad again.  Oh I hate this.

I keep thinking one more day they will be gone.  And then there is the woke the demon thing.  All the old feelings are back.

[weaver71]

"I can't control it," I'm glad you said that. I know that feeling. I would go to a 12 step meeting today. I think the support would help. Find an addiction counselor. I'm sure you are having feelings of how good opiates are and also how bad opiates are. It's all mixed together, creating a sense of confusion and makes you feel weak. I would seek outside help fast, you can do it, but don't try it alone. You remember trying on your own, you remember relapse after rehab, so you understand what I am talking about. Keep posting and let us know how your doing.

[DownAgain1337]

Thanks everyone.  I found a meeting for tonight.

I jsut need to hang in there.  Stay strong.

[elatedexaddict13]

This is my biggest fear- fear of my own addiction because I know what it did and can do to me...again. I know that meetings always make me feel better, although the 12 steps were not for me. Hang in there and it sounds like you've got a great wife, so maybe she can assist by listening to you, or maybe attend a few meetings with you if she isn't educated on the subject of addiction and/or relapse. You NEED to keep your head up and out of that ****** gutter and know that you've had enough will power to make it this long... You really need to remember that in order to take care of those babies, you need to have yourself in line!! Good luck!!!

[clean_in_ks]

So glad you found this forum and are talking to us.  Yes, the beast of addiction has been re-awakened.  BUT....once you get the drugs out of your system and start feeling better physically, you will still need to put tools in your toolbox in order to STAY clean.  The physical is just ONE part of addiction.....the mental and spiritual.....must be fed NEW food, too.  

Some peeps aren't interested in understanding WHY this happens after years of being clean.  But, just in case you are, here's two web sites that may enlighten you and help you to stop beating yourself up.  

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE

The video is long, but SUPER informative.  It's a Dr. who was a flight surgeon in the Navy...became addicted, served time in Leavenworth Prison, began researching the brains of addicts, and has since, devoted his entire life to communicating to the world what he has spent hours learning.

You can do this again.....you WILL do it again, but having some aftercare support in place is critical to success.

Let us know how you're doing~

[ariley13]

Keep posting. Go to a meeting. Go to 2 meetings! Just do whatever you have to do to not use!! Weaver is 100% correct. You woke up the sleeping beast. Now it's time to knock that sucker back out!! It sounds like you've been there, done that, and know what to do. We are here for you. Please take care of yourself!

[DownAgain1337]

In patient 5 day detox then 14 day in patient then left the state and did a 6 month half way house.  It was hard.  It was my 5th or 6th try to get clean through rehab including getting clean in jail.

You are right the beast is fully awake and ready.  I know if it goes any further I will be right where I was 10 years ago.  God I want more drugs its horrible.  I know where it leads I have been down that road so many times.

I am in near tears.  I can't control it.

[weaver71]

It happens fast, that's why most if us are in continual recovery. Your detox will pass relatively quick, but those thoughts and cravings won't. I'd make an appointment with an addiction therapist ASAP. Go to an NA meeting today. You awakened the best and liked it, but you feel how fast you will be right back where you were 10 yrs ago. You're lucky your wife caught you, it is a slippery slope. How did you get clean before?