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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

Oxy abuse - my story

I started using recreationally in College about 3.5 years ago, during my sophomore year. Dose started off at half a 30mg pill. I would usually split it with somebody else. That habit went on casually for about a year or so. Towards the later years of undergrad, I started using a 30mg pill all to myself. Several of my friends developed nasty habits when being in school around them and selling them. They were basically always around. Surprisingly for me, my occasional use started to turn into more of a serious habit within the past year, after graduation. The stress of my graduate school program led me to the pills to relax and escape. I would go to my friends house on the weekends, and eventually started doing them every single week. At least 2 pills. This became normal. I then progressed into stopping by during the week as well to look for a nice relaxing mid-week break. Basically, you guys know that this is the point where I should have stopped. I must have started to use them to the point where when I was not doing them, I started feeling that lethargic, mentally tired and an overall "shot" feeling. As a result, I started doing them more and more, because I felt like they were "waking me up" and allowing me to do lots of my graduate school-work in the late hours of the night. It would have been impossible to stay awake without them at this point. I was doing maybe 90-120mg a night the past few months, at least 3 days of the week, and they days in between when I would skip I would feel really tired and completely wiped out from the beginning to the end of the day. I have been managing to keep afloat at work, since there is really not that much supervision and as long as you get your work done, nobody says anything. I finished my grad degree, and the only people that know I use are my friends at this point. Family, girlfriend and co-workers are unaware of the situation, although I have told my girlfriend over and over how I feel depressed, tired, weak. Obviously, I know why I feel the way I do, but I cannot get myself to tell her because I am afraid of admitting to this addiction. I know at this point, that is exactly what it is. I am ashamed of myself for putting myself in this situation. I tried to stop using two weeks ago, I managed to go 6 days without any pills and only one suboxone strip, and felt like I "earned" myself to use for just one more night. I ended up doing 4 30 mg pills that night, and then picked up and did another three the next night. Afterwards, the next day I was feeling good until I felt the withdrawals begin again. I picked up another sub strip to help get through this again, and at the end of today, it will be 5 days without any pills. I spoke to a mental health counselor yesterday, and told her everything I said here and more because I am committed to getting better. I also want to use these forums as another way of speaking my mind and talking with people who have dealt with this problem. I am sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the whole story out. I do not want to deal with this addiction any more, and need to learn how to effectively deal with the voice of the "devil in my ear" telling me it is okay to do one more, that it'll make you feel better, have more energy, just one more night...

I'd love to hear from some people. Thank you.
32 Responses
11318065 tn?1462988079
Hi and welcome!  COngrats on the 5 days!!!  Please be careful of the subs as they are addicting to and a real bear to come off of!!!  Your story sounds so similar to many on here....it always starts out innocently and then grows into a monster!!  Its great that you have a counselor to talk to!  Do your friends support your getting off the pills?  You really need people who are supportive and understanding of what you are going through!  Addiction is no fun and its lucky that you caught it when you did!!!  SO glad you found the forum!  There are lots of us on here who understand right where you are!  SO keep posting and let us know how you are getting on!!!  Im sure lots more will be commenting soon!  Keep doing such a great job!!!  
Karen
Avatar universal
Thank you for the response. Out of my friends who I have shared this with, I have one who is really been there for me so far. I have another friend who is no stranger of addiction, and is still dealing with getting off of them to a degree. He is in the "oh, I can do them every week or two" mode. We were all introduced to the drug at around the same time, and our addictions grew together progressively. Like I said, I was definitely the last out of my friends to get hooked. I should have learned from them, but we are all invincible... until it happens to us. As far as the subs go, I know they are also addicting, but they have been helpful in stopping my use of oxy. I only have 1/4 strip left, and will not be getting any more of those. My counselor and I are meeting up for another session next Tuesday, and she really wants me to make an effort to not use until then. That is my short-term goal. I came so close to picking up last night, but decided against it, and I am very happy I did.
Avatar universal
Hey man congrats on realizing you were getting into trouble and facing this head on!! You should be very proud of yourself!!!

Stick to this forum and heed the advice of the people on here -- you are way to young and smart to let these pills ruin you... You saw the progression first hand and it only gets, worse and worse I can promise you that..

Don't be ashamed -- you are not alone this has hit people from all sections of the social spectrum..

Again, give yourself a pat on the back for stopping this before it was to late...

I wish the best of luck in your efforts to get clean and stay clean!!!
Avatar universal
Thank you! Every day has been a struggle. I have been on auto-pilot for months, not even thinking about what I was doing to myself. I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars in the past 4 months alone on this pill. The sickening part is that the cravings still come and I start thinking how just one can't hurt. Smh.
Avatar universal
First, welcome to this site, second congrats on admitting there is a problem and wanting to fix it. I too was taking oxycodone (too many mlgs) and I know it is rough coming off, I'm still having physical symptoms of detox at day 13. But I'm starting to feel normal again. As others have said, be aware of the subs, they are bad in themselves, and harder to detox from then the initial drug. Having support is huge, I know it is hard to tell other people, but the closets one to you, you need to tell. Remember that voice in your head telling you"just one more pill, to ease whatever or for a reward" that is our addict brain kicking in to high gear because it is not getting what it is craving. DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. It can get a hold of you worst then it has right now, don't give in because you are doing great. I quit cold turkey and though detox wasn't and isn't easy, I have never felt better my entire life, not even the high of the pills. Having a great attitude is huge, exercise, vitamins and staying hydrated, and AFTERCARE because anyone can quit, but staying clean is the hard part. There will be more people on here with great advice, listen to them because they are awesome. Just wanting to tell you your are doing awesome, We are all here for you and rooting for you. You got this.
Avatar universal
Hi and welcome to the forum.  Congrats on taking steps to help yourself; you definitely are in the grasp of addiction but you can get off the roller coaster now before 3 or 4 more years passes and you are even deeper in.  I, too, started taking Oxy and Percocet for the same reasons.  I am a female professional and mom.  I started using before my kids came, was clean during the period I tried to conceive and while pregnant, and then started using more heavily after the birth of my twins.  I am very Type A, overachiever and the pills gave me energy, too. That is how it felt, at least.  My husband is disabled and therefore I have access to a plethora of meds, at no cost, at any time.  As my use progressed, which it inevitably does, he became aware of my abuse. I then tried to stop by using subs and ultimately started switching between subs and pills.  If I am being honest with myself now, I was just doing that to reduce the amount of Oxy I was taking and throw him off.  When I did attemp to truly quit and taper from subs, the stop was so awful and prolonged that I went back to pills.  I finally had to demand that my husband lock his pills in a safe and I am now detoxing.  Please, you are obviously a very intelligent young man with a bright future ahead; STOP NOW. We all think we can have "just one more" but that is addiction- we can never have just one.  I would consider telling your girlfriend, as difficult as that is.  You might be very surprised by her support.  It will keep you more accountable, especially if your friends use.  I would also caution you that the potential to accidentally overdose is increased when you are going days without the drugs and then have a binge day, so be very careful.  Our close friend lost his wife to accidental overdose last year.  She was prescribed Oxy but was taking more than she was supposed to and died in her sleep at 38. Stay close, keep posting for support.  This site is the best, so much support and love.  You are young and strong, you can do it!!

JJ
Avatar universal
Today, I am starting to feel my energy come back again, and yesterday was the first day when I was driving home and did not have a huge mental debate of whether I was going to stop by my buddys house to pick up. He is on the way home, and it would have been so easy to get them, but I knew that was the wrong thing to do, and continued driving. I really cannot wait to get back to feeling like myself again. Having that feeling, like you said, will be better than the high. I can go back to being productive, funny, happy and in control of my own life. Thanks for your advice!
Avatar universal
I think you and I have a lot in common on why we continued using, and how it got a grasp on our lives. It is odd, because it was only when I started using often, that I got that "wired" feeling that would allow me to be a superhero when it came to getting my coursework done late into the night after a hard day of work. Of course, this "superhero" feeling I was getting is what got me addicted, and I wish I had never gotten to that stage. The only thing I can do not is fight my urge to continue using, and allow my brain to get back where it used to be. I find it amazing how the chemical craving causes us to lie to people and be deceitful to the ones we love the most. It is a very dangerous drug that I wish I never tried in the first place. I am so thankful I was able to at least recognize that this was no longer fun, and instead, a serious issue. I am still considering telling my girlfriend, because I think she will support me, but I am just not ready to talk yet.

Stay strong during your detox. I find that posting here has been really helping me a lot, and thank you for responding to my post.
Avatar universal
And stay strong staying sober. 13 days is so good, you must be feeling so great.
6990909 tn?1435279416
Congrats for admitting your addiction and for your 5 (maybe 6 now?) days clean. Getting into counseling/aftercare is huge cuz it isn't just about stopping the drugs...it is about addressing your addiction.
I've been around here over a year now and will tell you some key pieces of advice that really ring true:

You have got to cut your sources
You have got to change your playground and your playmates
You need to come clean to your spouse
You need some form of aftercare

Know that this crazy, amazing, wonderful journey will have ups and downs, but your worst day clean is so much better than your best day high.
One day at a time and keep your eyes on the prize.
Congrats again - you can do this!
Avatar universal
Thanks for your response. Yes, today is my 6th day clean. I cannot remember the last time I have had a weekend without using, and although I keep having thoughts of using again, I know I can get through this weekend without any pills, and in a way, I am excited to hit the major milestone of going through an entire weekend without using.
Avatar universal
Great job!! Keep up the good work and stay strong.  It will be worth it -- I promise!!!
Avatar universal
Ford, awesome job!  Kudos for not stopping and picking up those evil pills. Keep your eye on the prize. I agree, I work long hours in a stressful job and the pills helped me work a rock star, or so I thought.  When I tried to stop, my work actually began to suffer because I became ill and I knew I was in trouble.  It is funny because my husband says the pills have the opposite affect on him, but he is using them legitimately, responsibly and for pain. You got this!
Avatar universal
Hey Ford- if you stick around you'll see that every new person has the same fears, the same issues, the same doubts. It's amazing how we all think we are the only ones, come to find out, as far as addiction, there's nothing special about any of us!:)

I've been around here for quite a while, too. And I cannot agree w/ jugglin more. We see so so many people come back in a few weeks or months saying they relapsed, or disappear completely. So what jugglin listed as the keys to success are right on. I wish I listened to that advice much earlier myself.

So, I urge you to cut off contact w/ your "buddy" who has pills and whoever else. And look into aftercare now (meetings, etc.)

Keep posting!:)
Avatar universal
Great advice and true!  I love the "new playground" bit!
Avatar universal
Thank you for all the advice. I told my cousin, who is basically my best friend, the truth about what I have been up to. He knows that I messed around with oxy, but honestly had no idea the extent because I hid my drug use from almost everyone. He was surprised to hear what I had to say, but it felt good to get it out. I really wanted to use tonight, and still right now, want to. I really hope the urges slow down a little because I just want to get high. I can tell getting through this weekend is gonna be harder than I thought.
Avatar universal
I am so glad you confided in your cousin, it is very important to tell someone close to you.  You have come so far, hang tough, keep busy and stay the course.  Post whenever you need to!  Just don't use..do not undo all of the progress you have made.
Avatar universal
You are right. I do not want to do undo the progress, but the more I go without it, the more my mind keeps telling me that I am okay to do one now. I know this is the addict in me saying that, but the thought of not using anymore scares me. And the thought of starting to use again scares me too. Such a hopeless feeling...
Avatar universal
Ford- The cravings dissipate when you start aftercare. I never would have believed it myself but what "they" all say is true. The cravings, obsession do go away, when you work on what's underneath. Removing the drugs is just the beginning.
Avatar universal
I have another session coming up with my psychologist on Tuesday. This will be my second time meeting with her. Do you think this is a good form of aftercare?
Avatar universal
I get it 100%.  I have used pills for so long, for so many reasons, that the thought of facing life without them feels like walking around naked.  When I have to speak in front of a group of 50 attorneys, I could pop an oxy and no sweat. Crazy day at work? Pills will get me through.  But that is the addict inside of us.  We need to learn to live the "new normal".  Life on drugs is living with blinders on, even though we feel normal on them.  One day at a time...and we can never have another pill.  If we did, we would just escalate again and progressively increase our use.  All of the vets on here tell us that we will be much happier once we get through this and we have to trust them.  Life without chasing a high, without lying to our loved ones, without worrying about whether or not we have enough pills...that is not living.
Avatar universal
Last night I screwed up and did 120mg of oxy over the course of the night. I thought I would be able to get through the weekend. I am very disappointed in myself for giving in. The only thing I can do at this point is to not give in during a craving, be honest with my counselor on Tuesday and move on from here. She said that if I could not make it til Tuesday that I would most likely need to look into attending NA meetings. That may be my next step. I feel terrible that I gave in.
2083449 tn?1381358308
Hi Ford,  I'm very sorry to hear about your relapse.  It's time to get yourself back on track. In order to avoid another relapse, you need to do a few things. You must cut your sources for pills. Tell your dealer no more, no matter what. Delete phone numbers, change friends, change habits....  Getting counseling is a great form of aftercare, but it may not be enough. I strongly suggest you go to AA/NA meetings. You will get in person support from people who have been or are in similar situations as you. Plus, you will get tools you need to help prevent a relapse. Please give it a try.

Take care, I wish you all the best. Keep posting for support.  
Avatar universal
Thank you. I told the guy I pick up from to no longer text me when he gets them. Even though he is my friend and has been since before I started doing these, I am going to delete his number. It is just one step more I would have to go through to get in contact with him.
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