Aa
Oxy addict - 5 years - 600-700 mg/day - I got a plan!!
Here we go again. Same problem, different forum. I've been battling with Opiate addiction for the better part of 5 years. I've quit 2 times before (though, if I ever really quit, would I be here now?), once with suboxone and once with 5 40mg methadone (orange wafers) that I broke into halves and weened down on for a couple weeks. The time with subs, I started with one a two a day for 4 days, then 1 a day for a week, down to halves, then quarters. It took a little over 2 weeks before I was functioning without anything. That was a good run, I was so proud of myself. It lasted about 6 months. It's been about two years since I started back and one 30 mg Roxy a day has lead to 5 or 6 80's a day, along with 6-8 30mg Roxys in between doses. Between 600 and 700 mgs a day total, for the past 4 months and about half that during the year leading up to it. As I type this, at 2 am on a Sunday night/Monday morning, I've consumed 400 mgs since I woke up at noon today.
The first couple times I quit, I found that distracting myself on the internet to be very helpful. Hence my presence here. However, this has to be the last time. I have a new girlfriend that I have been dating for about 4 months now, and I love her more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know she will leave me if my plan doesn't work this time. She knows about my addiction but having never done a drug before, she barely grasps how excruciating the detow is. I tried to quit about 2 months ago and almost lost her because I didn't feel like having sex and was not giving her enough atttention. Obviously, she had no idea how difficult it was going to be. That lasted 2 days and I decided that I needed to wait until I really had her commited to me before I put her through my withdrawal attempt. I feel that time has come, she she is in love with me and has promised to stick by me no matter how bad it gets. I believer her this time.
Even so, I've decided to spend some time away from her during the process. My father recently passed away and left me a little money. I own my own business and I'be been working nonstop through the holidays so that I can take 2 weeks off of work to get this over with. That time is almost here.
I decided to get as far away from the town I live in as possible, as opiates are readily available. I've found this to be first and foremost the best possible way to aviod giving in and making that phone call. Or filling that prescription. If you are in a place where you know no one, you're alot less likely to give in to your cravings. When you truly have no other choice but to continue withdrawing, your chances of succeeding improve drastically.
I'm taking a trip to Sedona, Arizona. I had never heard of this place before but it has a history of being a spritual place, with energy vortexs and alot of other hippy stuff that I'm really into and I think it will be a positive atmosphere to roll the dice in again. Most importantly, I know no one there and will not even attempt to get ahold of anything. The town offers alot of spiritual balancing and cleansing mumbo jumbo that can's hurt to try. I plan on staying for 2 weeks and coming back a new man. It won;t be easy but I have to do this. I refuse to be 30 years old and still losing this battle. I'm turn 30 in August.
I plan on updating anyone who is interested in my progress on a daily basis. I won't want to, and I'll have to force myself to commit to it, but I feel that's ll part of the process. To establish a routine and force myself to do things I really don't feel like doing.
I have plenty of money for food and vitamins and massages and all the others things I've found to be helpful in this process. There is no reason that I shouldn't succeed this time. I am the only one holding myself back and knowing that I traveled so far and spent so much money in recovering will only help motivate me.
I intend on sending my girlfriend a link to this thread once I have left so she can see how I am doing. Of course I will be calling her everyday, but sometimes talking on the phone and expressing myself properly verbally is a challenge. I feel that she can rest easier knowing everything that I am going through and reading about the day to day goals that I will accomplish while I am away.
That's all for now. I'll be leaving in about a week. I'm nervous, scared, desperate, hopeful, disappointed thaqt it's come to this. Please feel free to ask any questions. Or offer any advice. I also welcome any criticism, any skeptisism.
Battery of my laptop about to die.
Tune in!!!
-Mike
The first couple times I quit, I found that distracting myself on the internet to be very helpful. Hence my presence here. However, this has to be the last time. I have a new girlfriend that I have been dating for about 4 months now, and I love her more than anything and want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know she will leave me if my plan doesn't work this time. She knows about my addiction but having never done a drug before, she barely grasps how excruciating the detow is. I tried to quit about 2 months ago and almost lost her because I didn't feel like having sex and was not giving her enough atttention. Obviously, she had no idea how difficult it was going to be. That lasted 2 days and I decided that I needed to wait until I really had her commited to me before I put her through my withdrawal attempt. I feel that time has come, she she is in love with me and has promised to stick by me no matter how bad it gets. I believer her this time.
Even so, I've decided to spend some time away from her during the process. My father recently passed away and left me a little money. I own my own business and I'be been working nonstop through the holidays so that I can take 2 weeks off of work to get this over with. That time is almost here.
I decided to get as far away from the town I live in as possible, as opiates are readily available. I've found this to be first and foremost the best possible way to aviod giving in and making that phone call. Or filling that prescription. If you are in a place where you know no one, you're alot less likely to give in to your cravings. When you truly have no other choice but to continue withdrawing, your chances of succeeding improve drastically.
I'm taking a trip to Sedona, Arizona. I had never heard of this place before but it has a history of being a spritual place, with energy vortexs and alot of other hippy stuff that I'm really into and I think it will be a positive atmosphere to roll the dice in again. Most importantly, I know no one there and will not even attempt to get ahold of anything. The town offers alot of spiritual balancing and cleansing mumbo jumbo that can's hurt to try. I plan on staying for 2 weeks and coming back a new man. It won;t be easy but I have to do this. I refuse to be 30 years old and still losing this battle. I'm turn 30 in August.
I plan on updating anyone who is interested in my progress on a daily basis. I won't want to, and I'll have to force myself to commit to it, but I feel that's ll part of the process. To establish a routine and force myself to do things I really don't feel like doing.
I have plenty of money for food and vitamins and massages and all the others things I've found to be helpful in this process. There is no reason that I shouldn't succeed this time. I am the only one holding myself back and knowing that I traveled so far and spent so much money in recovering will only help motivate me.
I intend on sending my girlfriend a link to this thread once I have left so she can see how I am doing. Of course I will be calling her everyday, but sometimes talking on the phone and expressing myself properly verbally is a challenge. I feel that she can rest easier knowing everything that I am going through and reading about the day to day goals that I will accomplish while I am away.
That's all for now. I'll be leaving in about a week. I'm nervous, scared, desperate, hopeful, disappointed thaqt it's come to this. Please feel free to ask any questions. Or offer any advice. I also welcome any criticism, any skeptisism.
Battery of my laptop about to die.
Tune in!!!
-Mike
I don’t think I’ve ever really stared at water before.
A lot of water. Like, a body of water.
There is a lake behind my house. It’s man made, really more like an oversized Olympic swimming pool. One with a majestic fountain at it’s center. A walkway surrounds it and in between the walkway and the lake is a protective wrought iron fence that makes it impossible to accidentally fall in. Or take a dip. A well manicured lawn follows the walkway all the way around, divided only by concrete walkways leading to universal red apartment doors.
I really can’t remember staring at a body of water for any notable amount of time.
It’s truly a spectacle.
My apartment has no balcony. What it has, instead, is a “sunroom”. What this is, is an 8 foot extension of the living room with no wall separating it, where the balcony should be and actually IS in other, more fortunate apartments. In my case, this translates to having an extra room to keep musical equipment: guitars, amps, a drum machine, a keyboard, a processor and a PA. Consequently, there is nowhere to smoke, unless I want my house to smell like my moms.
My front door apartment exits into a breezeway. 4 fake potted plants stand guard outside of each apartment door. The centers of the pots are hollow and the tops lift up to reveal a black trash bag. You are supposed to put your trash in the “pots” and they are picked up every once in a while by an employee of the complex. This is so the residents here don’t have to walk all the way to the dumpster. I have a skateboard and I smoke cigarettes, and the dumpster is so close I can’t imagine anyone having a problem walking to it. I rarely use this valuable service.
I make my way down the breezeway, past the sentry trash pots and to the balcony overlooking the lake, I live on the second floor. I light up and begin to contemplate my situation; my girlfriend leaving and taking my puppy, the debt that I’ve found myself in, etc. I stare out at the water and in between drags, unintentionally, the thoughts of my problems begin to dissolve. The sun’s reflection on the water’s surface is mesmerizing. Brilliant little lights dance on the surface, blinking in and out, random and simple, yet beautiful and inspiring. For every one that dies out, another takes it’s place, intent on keeping up the loose formation, refusing to be extinguished by something as simple as a ripple in the water. They fight, they really do, and they don’t give up.
A wise man once said, “the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket”. Currently residing on the east coast of Florida, I can attest to the validity of this statement. But standing here, the dark lake resembles the night’s sky, the sun’s reflection transforming into millions of stars exploding into light and burning out at the same time, as if watching the constellations through a telescope on fast forward. Really extra super fast forward, stars burn for a long time. It’s as if time has slowed down and everything around me has stopped, everything except for the water and the dazzling lightshow. Everything is silent except for the fountain in the distance.
My thoughts wonder to Earth, to a blue-green planet teeming with life. In the past, we believed that we were the center of the universe. Many years and much research and technology later, we know this to be untrue. And though the universe may be infinite and what all, if anything, is out there may never be truly known, we do know this: as many grains of sand there are on earth cubed still wouldn't equal the correct number of planets in our universe. As far as planets that we have personally discovered and investigated, there are over 200, including the 8 main planets of the solar system, a handful of dwarf planets (including Ceres, Pluto, Sedna, Eris, and a few others) and, as of today, January 2, 2010, 415 extra solar planets. Extrasolar planets, or “exoplanets”. These are planets that revolve around a star instead of a sun and are outside of our solar system, The Milky Way.
I tell you all of these boring scientific facts for one reason: to try to instill in you the concept of how big the universe is. It is beyond our comprehension. It’s important you know this because until you do, you will never understand how truly unique our planet is. Most planets are called gas giants, comprised of hydrogen, helium, methane and ammonia, and are uninhabitable. There is a very important difference between Earth and every other planet known to man.
We have water.
It makes life possible. It is literally the reason that I am able to type this but more importantly, it is the only reason that I breathe, that we exist.
This incredible, simple chemical combination of Oxygen and Hydrogen makes life possible. Not human life, not plant life, not intelligent organisms, but the very concept of life. Everything that has ever been and ever will be. This magical substance that we use everyday. That I, personally, waste everyday. I look at diamonds and gemstones and chrome rims and good artwork and expensive wine and breathtaking landscapes with historical landmarks and they are all very appealing to me. I would very much love to own any of these things. But without them, I am still okay. I’m still alive, I’M STILL ANYTHING AT ALL!!! Without water?
It’s really hard to imagine an absolute nothing.
And this god-like substance is everywhere, for now. I can put it inside my body anytime that I want to. This fascinates me.
I come back to reality with the rusted like movements of my lower back to the sound of my ex-girlfriend yelling as I start the process of standing up. With a groan, I flick my cigarette into the lake, walk into my apartment and turn on my laptop.
I feel like writing.
I am 23 days clean.
I haven’t felt like writing in a long time.
A lot of water. Like, a body of water.
There is a lake behind my house. It’s man made, really more like an oversized Olympic swimming pool. One with a majestic fountain at it’s center. A walkway surrounds it and in between the walkway and the lake is a protective wrought iron fence that makes it impossible to accidentally fall in. Or take a dip. A well manicured lawn follows the walkway all the way around, divided only by concrete walkways leading to universal red apartment doors.
I really can’t remember staring at a body of water for any notable amount of time.
It’s truly a spectacle.
My apartment has no balcony. What it has, instead, is a “sunroom”. What this is, is an 8 foot extension of the living room with no wall separating it, where the balcony should be and actually IS in other, more fortunate apartments. In my case, this translates to having an extra room to keep musical equipment: guitars, amps, a drum machine, a keyboard, a processor and a PA. Consequently, there is nowhere to smoke, unless I want my house to smell like my moms.
My front door apartment exits into a breezeway. 4 fake potted plants stand guard outside of each apartment door. The centers of the pots are hollow and the tops lift up to reveal a black trash bag. You are supposed to put your trash in the “pots” and they are picked up every once in a while by an employee of the complex. This is so the residents here don’t have to walk all the way to the dumpster. I have a skateboard and I smoke cigarettes, and the dumpster is so close I can’t imagine anyone having a problem walking to it. I rarely use this valuable service.
I make my way down the breezeway, past the sentry trash pots and to the balcony overlooking the lake, I live on the second floor. I light up and begin to contemplate my situation; my girlfriend leaving and taking my puppy, the debt that I’ve found myself in, etc. I stare out at the water and in between drags, unintentionally, the thoughts of my problems begin to dissolve. The sun’s reflection on the water’s surface is mesmerizing. Brilliant little lights dance on the surface, blinking in and out, random and simple, yet beautiful and inspiring. For every one that dies out, another takes it’s place, intent on keeping up the loose formation, refusing to be extinguished by something as simple as a ripple in the water. They fight, they really do, and they don’t give up.
A wise man once said, “the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket”. Currently residing on the east coast of Florida, I can attest to the validity of this statement. But standing here, the dark lake resembles the night’s sky, the sun’s reflection transforming into millions of stars exploding into light and burning out at the same time, as if watching the constellations through a telescope on fast forward. Really extra super fast forward, stars burn for a long time. It’s as if time has slowed down and everything around me has stopped, everything except for the water and the dazzling lightshow. Everything is silent except for the fountain in the distance.
My thoughts wonder to Earth, to a blue-green planet teeming with life. In the past, we believed that we were the center of the universe. Many years and much research and technology later, we know this to be untrue. And though the universe may be infinite and what all, if anything, is out there may never be truly known, we do know this: as many grains of sand there are on earth cubed still wouldn't equal the correct number of planets in our universe. As far as planets that we have personally discovered and investigated, there are over 200, including the 8 main planets of the solar system, a handful of dwarf planets (including Ceres, Pluto, Sedna, Eris, and a few others) and, as of today, January 2, 2010, 415 extra solar planets. Extrasolar planets, or “exoplanets”. These are planets that revolve around a star instead of a sun and are outside of our solar system, The Milky Way.
I tell you all of these boring scientific facts for one reason: to try to instill in you the concept of how big the universe is. It is beyond our comprehension. It’s important you know this because until you do, you will never understand how truly unique our planet is. Most planets are called gas giants, comprised of hydrogen, helium, methane and ammonia, and are uninhabitable. There is a very important difference between Earth and every other planet known to man.
We have water.
It makes life possible. It is literally the reason that I am able to type this but more importantly, it is the only reason that I breathe, that we exist.
This incredible, simple chemical combination of Oxygen and Hydrogen makes life possible. Not human life, not plant life, not intelligent organisms, but the very concept of life. Everything that has ever been and ever will be. This magical substance that we use everyday. That I, personally, waste everyday. I look at diamonds and gemstones and chrome rims and good artwork and expensive wine and breathtaking landscapes with historical landmarks and they are all very appealing to me. I would very much love to own any of these things. But without them, I am still okay. I’m still alive, I’M STILL ANYTHING AT ALL!!! Without water?
It’s really hard to imagine an absolute nothing.
And this god-like substance is everywhere, for now. I can put it inside my body anytime that I want to. This fascinates me.
I come back to reality with the rusted like movements of my lower back to the sound of my ex-girlfriend yelling as I start the process of standing up. With a groan, I flick my cigarette into the lake, walk into my apartment and turn on my laptop.
I feel like writing.
I am 23 days clean.
I haven’t felt like writing in a long time.
His posts were a great read and very inspiring....I'm wondering now if it was just some creative writing? A grand plan, the perfect way to detox and find yourself. Something most of us wish we could do - a fantasy.
Or maybe his computer is just down and he's out enjoying the beauty of Sedona.
Worst case - he's sick, relapsed or it was all bs and we got punked. I hope I'm wrong.
Or maybe his computer is just down and he's out enjoying the beauty of Sedona.
Worst case - he's sick, relapsed or it was all bs and we got punked. I hope I'm wrong.
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