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Avatar universal

Oxy has messed up my life!

A brief synopsis: I dabbled in opiates for most of my 20s, but never got addicted. 2 years ago, at the age of 29, I moved from my Canadian home town to San Francisco to take a six figure job with a dot-com. The loneliness started to get to me and I gradually started using more. Despite generally being depressed and wanting to go home, my career continued to advance (even though I did everything possible to screw it up.) 6 months ago I scored a management position at what is perhaps the top digital agency in the world. It was lucrative, but extremely stressful, and that is when I really got addicted - started doing 40mg a night just to be able to sleep. 3 months ago, I realized it was making me more depressed and starting to affect my work performance and I quit without major withdrawals.

In the next month, being of a clear head, I got promoted, plus I took on a consulting gig on the side, bringing me up to an effective $250K annual salary. Then I fell in love with a brilliant but completely ****** up woman, who during the short six weeks we were together, took me to hell and back. She was an addict of a different sort - cocaine. And I found out that she was ******* her dealer. During the time we were together I started to use again - after each fight, which were frequent, I would go buy an 80 and chew "half" just to relax. Soon, I was chewing the whole pill. It started to seriously **** with my mood, I became annoying neurotic to everyone around me, and she dumped me for that reason. Probably a blessing in disguise, since she is in hardcore denial and not willing to make the changes she needs to to be a good partner to anyone.

About a month ago, I realized that I was way out of control, taking 80mg at night, and 40mg in the morning. I was in serious danger of losing my consulting gig, and wasn't performing great at my day job either. Without the morning dose I would be too sick to function at work - and with it, I would be slow, and do a bad job. I faked sick with the flu and quit cold turkey. The acute withdrawal lasted about 4 days, but afterwards, when I went back to work, I couldn't get anything done... I'm guessing it was PAWS that made me feel fuzzy headed and unable to concentrate.

What I wanted to do was go to an addiction medicine clinic and get treated with either Suboxone or with non-opioid medications to help normalize by brain, but guess what? Despite my income, I was down to my last 10 bucks, with all credit overextended. What I had been spending on drugs themselves had been the least of it - I was running up massive debts through sheer neglect - a few unpaid parking citations that turned into booting, towing, and a $2500 charge to get my car back was but one example.

So in my infinite wisdom, I though that perhaps if I took a small dose of a weak opiate, it would take care of the PAWS and allow me to function, and I could wean off it slowly. I spent those last 10 bucks on 5 Vicodins, took two of them, and what do you know? I had a brilliant day at work, and over the next couple weeks pretty much blew Silicon Valley away with my accomplishments. In just 2 or 3 weeks I went from $10K in the hole to $10K up, and moved into what is perhaps the most desirable condo building in Northern California,  Of course, during that time, my use was escalating. Now I'm right back at 120mg / day and functioning poorly at the office once again - if I use in the morning, I make mistakes. If I don't, I am a total ******* and **** everyone off. And once again I am out of cash.

Not sure if any of you guys know the answer to this, but, I have a plan with Kaiser through work, and it includes psychiatry and addiction treatment. If I can't pay the co-pays (we're talking small amount of $20 - $100 here), will they treat me anyways and let me pay them in two weeks when I get my next check? I really hope so - because right now, I am in a very difficult situation... to detox cold turkey would mean missing a week of work, which at this point could get me fired, since I have not organized my projects well enough to run themselves when I'm not there. To keep using will probably also get me fired, since I am a total space cadet. So I believe that the appropriate short term solution here is to be treated with Suboxone or even Methadone, so that I can keep working, without being impaired, nor suffering withdrawals. After I get stable, I'll have to deal with the question of how to get off these damn opiates for good. I have no desire to be maintained on any opiate for the long term, since I DON'T EVEN ENJOY THEM - they have become like cigarettes for me, but cigarettes that are going to cause my life to collapse in a spectacular fashion, sooner rather than later.

OK. What is my first step here? Any help is appreciated!!!
7 Responses
271792 tn?1334979657
Hi & Welcome,

You are in the right place. Every member here can identify with you and there are people here in all stages of recovery and getting clean.

First off, please read about PAWS. That is not what you were experiencing. PAWS does not rear it's ugly head until usually six months drug free. At 4 days what you were experiencing was still withdrawal.

I didn't quite understand, are you still using?

Of the two, please stay away from Methadone. If you go to a clinic, you will be hard pressed to do a quick taper. It doesn't work like that. If you decide on Suboxone, please, please read about it and do your research. It is not a magic pill or a quick fix by any means and you will have to withdrawal from it.

Even if you do choose maintenance, you will need to take the time to work on yourself and find our what triggers you to use, or sadly you could find yourself right back on the Oxy again.

Getting clean is the easy part (believe it or not) but staying clean takes a lot of work. You say you moved from Canada to California and it seems you didn't skip a beat in getting drugs. I assume you know where to go to get them and that is also something you will need to work on. The temptation will be great if they are easily accessible.

Glad you found the site and you are reaching out for help. Stick around as other members come on. I wish you the best!
Avatar universal
I agree with IBKleen, it seemed way too early for PAWS. I would consider reading stories on this site about suboxone and methadone because it can become counterintuitive in your stressfull work situation.  Seems like you got clean once, you can do it again, just plan it through and stay clean.

I also have kaiser, yet I'm not sure if they could waive the co-pay. In my opinion, you were better living in Canada hehe.  But it's good you're considering their psychiatry services. Take advantage as much as possible to stay clean.

Your story sounds a bit similiar to mine, just an ongoing rollercoaster.  But it sounds like you have your mind set on getting off the ride.


Keep posting on this site, you're lucky to have found it :)
Avatar universal
Don't listen to what many people say in here about suboxone detox. It really ****es me off that so many ignorant people discourage people from using this method of DETOX! I am not talking about maintenance here. I am talking about a rapid 3-4 week detox using suboxone. Call a local OP clinic and tell them your situation. Many will let you carry a balance and you could pay them in 2 weeks. I only spent about 325 so far for 2 weeks and my Dr told me that next week will be my last week and she is going to rx me more comfort meds if I do go through any withdrawals. I'm like you and have a high pressure job and could not afford to go CT and no function. This way had a few bumps but i'm halfway there and done with 9 days down and I went from 14mg to 4 mg and it was pretty easy. Aside from the bit of depression the first few days, i feel good. GO TO OP DETOX! It will give you the tools you need to function highly and plan your jump. It is the difference between crashing a plane and landing it. Will it be really easy? No! But it is doable and I do NOT regret going to detox. Read my journal for my experience day to day. I'll be posting my entire experience in detail. Again, if the person has not actually BEEN on suboxone or used it, then why the **** would you listen to them? Good luck and email me if you want to talk. ***@**** - David
1283286 tn?1312911966
Welcome to the true reality of these drugs...Prescribed poison that will reek havoc on mind, body, and soul.
Avatar universal
you need to truly identify your problems with your addiction, and embrace them......
sounds messed up but your behaviour seems cyclic to me which leads me to believe that there is an underlying problem that is not being treated.

Look, w/ds suck ***! But its unavoidable. There are amazing revelations in the medical field about addictions. There are two kinds of addicts that share a common denomenator: Self medicating.

Physical addiction
Psychological addiction

There are many drugs that have way less of a chance of keeping you hooked that can help TREMENDOUSLY! (GABBA-pentin, nozinan, wellbutrin, tomato juice-believe it or not) I quit cold turkey... I wasnt lucky enough to see a psychiatrist until a month after quiting. I found out that my cyclic behaviour of extreme success to self destruct was really a way that i was dealing with ADHD.

All I can say is leave the medicating to your doctors, but more importantly assess your quality of life. No one but yourself can make you quit- even with all the help in the world, our detox is our own private journey that we must take to come to whatever epiphany may be awaiting us. You owe your being the RESPECT of being honest to yourself, and the ACCEPTANCE of yourself-good and bad. You are worth it..... there is nothing that you have done that someone hasn't already. No shame.
1699107 tn?1307306696
I cannot advise you on the decision you are about to make. From your post it sounds as though you have a decent income.  Or will again once you manage to free yourself from the addiction. You might consider the following as a goal and reward when you finally quit. Before I had to go on disability I lived in the Bay Area and had a good income too. There is a resort called Ventana in Big Sur, it's just up the road from Eselan.

http://www.ventanainn.com/

I knew the man who originally designed and built it and spent a lot of weekends there. It is a REALLY great place to relax. And it's near another of my favorite places in Northern California, Nepenthe Phoenix.

http://www.nepenthebigsur.com/

Great food and a world class place to relax in the sunshine.

I am about to quit oxy myself. And one thing that has helped me make that decision was reminding myself that I wasn't even being helped with my pain anymore and certainly wasn't getting the high I once had. And more importantly I have been reminding myself there are many pleasures in this life that become attainable again when I free myself from the addiction.

Say Hi to The Bay for me.

Best wishes!
Avatar universal
I am 37 and my life is screwed growing  up my parents was the biggest pill heads and still are but they choose pills over us eatting and I hated them for it I got married at 15 to get away from them and moved to another state where I have nobody but didnt want my kids to be around it.2 years ago I messed up my back and of course they gave me pain pills and I took one cause I was hurting so bad now I am on them pretty bad.everything I have hated my parents for is me.i am always ill worried about when am I going to run out and who I can buy them from.i spend most of my money on them my whole life now is pills I hate myself and have let me and my kids down so badly my husband dont talk to me anymorei know he dont even want to be here anymore and dont blame him I need help but dont know where to go to embrassed to tell my doctor cause she is also my friend.ive tried to stop cold turkey but failed of course I cant talk to my family they are on them worse then me.i feel so usless really bad depressed.i want to get better so badly. I could handle the pain of my back better than the fact that I failed my kids.if anyone can help me please do.
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