Oxy's ruined my life but now what

[what2du]

Hi everyone. I read a lot of posts here and can feel so many peoples pain. Long story short....car accident 6 yrs ago....chronic lower back pain, chronic muscle spasms in legs and back. Have diabetes so also have leg nerve pain.
Started on hydro's back then for pain. Then had 9 epidurals with no help. Dionosed with degen disc deseise. Eventually was up to 6 a day and wasn't working. Dr. sent me to pain clinic. They upped my dosage and it was life a new life. No pain, and of course the unbelievable euphoria. Move forward 3 years and now up to methodone then morphine and finally the fent patch. Got off patch and have been on Oxy's  40mg time released 3x day. I started abusing them crushing 2 at time in the morning and then crushing my last one in the evening before bed. I have sustained this for 3 years. 1 year ago, had to start going to new pain clinic due to insurance. Much stricter, said their goal was to get me off oxy's and I was mad cause I knew they were helping with pain (so I justified in my head). I am also on Klonipin .5mg 3x daily, Baclofen 10mg 3x daily, Effexer and Wellbutrin for depression, Amytrip for depression and leg pain from diabetes, also on diabetes meds, statins for high cholesterol, also have sleep apnea but don't use my cpap blah blah blah.
It has now come to a point where I want to quite the oxy's since I know need them just to function and can't do anything without taking them. I have'nt been able to work for past year and am trying to get on disability...good luck with that huh?  Anyway, I weaned myself off Oxy's and this has been my 5th day. For the first time in 6 years, I can feel the leg pain, back pain etc....but it seems to not be as bad as it was. I am starting to have some emotions again that I have not felt in years. With the depression med's, it's hard to feel the emotions but it is like my head came out from under the clouds since quiting the oxy's.
Now the bad news....in order for me to quit, I had to flush 33 pills down the toilet and kept enough to wean off. 2 days ago I get a call from the pain clinic and they want me to come in for a pill count. OMG....I have no pills and I am supposed to call them Monday to arrange when to get in there asap for a pill count. I don't know what to do. They may think I am selling them, etc. and I think they will drop me for sure. I want to  be honest and upfront with them and come in and explain that I needed to quit them in my own way, but I want to be off the opiates all together from now on. Oh, yeah I forgot....the past 5 months, I have had my wife or my son, give me the pills daily because I couldn't trust myself....this month I said, I think I can handle this and boom, started abusing right away....that's when after much searching, praying, and being sick and tired of this little pill controlling my whole life for the past 6 years....I would quit them entirely. I should have discussed with the pain clinic first...but seeing I was abusing them and I have so much pain....I knew in my own stupid way.....I had to force myself alone to quit. Now to face the pain clinic....don't know what to do. I know this will go down in my med file and they will prob drop me....I don't want that to happen like that. I want to let them know that this has been a battle for me for over many years and I have tried quiting many times but went right back.
I have been married for 20 years this year and have not been able to ....you know.....with my wonderful wife for the past 5 years due to the diabetes, and other drugs. I have not slept in the same bed due to my getting up several times each night in pain to take ibuprofen and tylenol for breakthru pain.
I lost all of those emotions years ago once I wasn't able to love my wife. Suddenly.....yesterday.....today.....right now at 2am.....I have so much emotion of how much I miss my wife and being able to sleep in the same bed again. To hold her and to be held again. I finally told her the whole truth of my addiction and how for years i ruined everything....our love life...my kids trust in me etc. We are both very involved in our religion and through many prayers and suffering, I have gotten to this point. It is like I am looking forward to next 20 years and they are going to be like a honeymoon. Those Oxy's seem like a miracle at first.....then your hooked. Grant it, there are some who can stay on them and don't have an addictive personality and will not have problems....but those of us who have been in pain for many years, then suddenly there is no pain and only the high of the drug, become addicted to the high part. I wish I could take them without any abuse but I know myself. I am an addict.
I know this has a lot of things in it but I guess for the first time, I am letting my secret out and I just keep typing. Oh and by the way, I also am on Chantix and haven't had a cigarette in 8 days....so I am really doing a whole new lifechange. I have so much more I want to say but I know this is a lot to read as it is. I hope I get some feedback and thanks for letting me say things that have been pent up inside me for many years. I will keep all of you who are trying to quit in my deepest prayers....please say one for me? You can start dying or start livin....It's time to start living  (from the movie Shawshank Redemption)...

[troubleinohio]

they likely wont believe the flushing story even though its the truth. Im sure they have heard it all there- every excuse in the book and in the end it doesnt matter, the outcome is almost always the same- discharged from the clinic and black mark/red flag on permanent medical chart. Pain clinics are very strict. Dunno what to tell you on how to handle it. I mean its of course best to tell the truth, but like i said they probably wont believe it anyhow. I know you are trying to quit and maybe its for the best that you do get cut off by your clinic, it cuts off that supply, however i do understand you not wanting that red flag on your chart in case you do have serious pain issues in the future and need meds again. I also have a bad back (which is absolutely killing me today ironically- we have an ice storm approaching and the barometric pressure dropping makes it hurt worse) so I do understand your dilema. For the most part though I have been able to handle my pain after getting clean. There are some days that are pretty bad sometimes and cant do anything, but overall, I have been able to still function with just motrin 800 and occasionally a prednisone taper for bad inflammation flare ups in my spine. I have had to change my lifestyle a lot and make sure not to overdo it. I carry smaller loads of laundry up from the basement, which means more trips up and down those stairs, but at least its not as heavy a load.  I take breaks when washing a huge sinkful of dishes instead of standing there a long time doing it (I cant do anything for prolonged periods of time...cant stand too long, cant sit or lay to long , cant ride in a car too long, etc). I carry less bags of grocery at  a time now. I dont let the kitchen trash bags get too full/heavy before emptying/taking outside, etc etc.   You have to stuff like this in order to keep your pain level down.          Keep reading and posting here, glad you found us.

[jenny06xx]

welcome .............. your in the right place !!!
about the pill count i think the only thing you can do is tell the truth that u flushed them because you wanted to try living without them ............i cant see another way out of it as lying isnt going to get you anywhere!!
coming clean may get you the help and aftercare you need rather than facing this alone .

[shrimpman]

Hey dude------welcome to the forum----I understand how you feel----I also have multiple health problems----bad back, unknown bone marrow disease and joint pain------I was using/abusing percocet for 6 yrs.------it's unbelievable how bad those pills make you feel when you build up tolerance to them and have to take them to feel functional------I came to a point where I knew I had to quit or die-------I was totally enslaved by them-----I was snorting 6 to 10 ---10mg percs a day------I had a lot of the same feelings you are having now-----just know that once you get through withdrawals 5 to 10 days avg. you we feel so much better------when you are through the physical withdrawals it is best to have some type of aftercare or support system to heip you stay clean--------I let my family and close friends know my situation and have been totally honest with them-------Please keep posting  as there many others here that care and will help you with any concerns or questions you have------Peace and Good luck!  Jon