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Avatar universal

Picking up the pieces and trying to LIVE! Please help!

as alot of you know ive been struggling with oxys. and about a week and 4 days into my recovery my dad passed away and i fell back into the trap. I had the worst 5 days of my life this week and couldnt think of a reason not to use. I couldnt deal with my dads death sober and caved in, in a big way. I probably cried for 3 days straight until i medicated myself to the point where i couldnt even keep my eyes open. Well he's gone forever now, and we buried him today. crying as i type this because it still hasnt sunk in that he is truely gone forever. He told me he was proud that i had decided to come clean about my addiction and that he loved me more then anything in the world and couldnt have had a better son. then a day later he was gone... i couldnt deal with my depression of coming off the pills especially with my best friend gone. i was destroyed inside and out. i could have jumped off a bridge when i found out he passed away and not even given it a thought. So now its just me and my mom and sister. my idol my best friend and my best support now lie 6 ft in the ground. and i dont know how i can do this without him. i decided im going to do this for him. it was his only wish that i be sober and live a fulfilling life. And im going to prove it to him and myself that he was right, I can do anything i set my mind to. Sorry for rambling but i dont know what else to do at this point. So starting tomorrow im living a clean and fulfilling life. The problem is i dont know where or how to start. My life is so messed up right now and i have school to deal with on top of this... I can stop school and take it again next year, but ill loose all my money and time i have invested into this. I know my dad wouldnt want me to drop out. He'd want me to keep going and do my best.... Guess im just looking for some support. I need someone to tell me i can do this, and that with time the pain in my heart will heal without medicating myself to the point where i feel nothing...Anyone? Please give me something to cling to... Ive lost so much and refuse to loose my life because thats the last thing my dad would want... Thanks for everything. I dont know what i would do without this site and you amazing people who help people like me.... god bless you all...
25 Responses
Avatar universal
Sweetie, you can do this. I know it in my heart. You have been through a lot lately, yet I recall that determined young man who went to work and school while in wd. Is there anything offered by Student Services at your school for grief counseling? I believe that would be a great help and starting point for you. Also, please talk to your employer about some bereavement time.

Also, what helped me when I quit was to try not to think too far ahead. I am the queen of "what ifs" and the scenarios I played out in my mind weren't as bad as I thought they would be. Take each minute, hour, and day at a time. Post here as often as you need.

I truly believe in you and I know your dad did as well.

I am thinking of you and sending love and support and hugs. Stay with us. We'll help you get through this any way we can.

Try to get some rest and be gentle to yourself.
Avatar universal
I feel so bad for you but I was there just 2 years ago when my dad passed away and it was the worst thing I'd ever been through and I cried for days wanting to die to be with him but my mom and my brother were here too so I had to move on. You can do this and it will get better, I think the first month or so I'd cry over a song or just missed hearing his voice but it does get better. I didn't think the pain would go away but it subsides, I still miss him everyday and kiss his picture on my way out to work each day. Talk to your dad, he can hear you and I'm sure he wouldn't want you to give up. Talk to your teachers just a week or so for you to start feeling better. I took a week off from work and going back really helped because I was so busy I didn't have him on my mind as I'm sure will happen with you going to school, don't stop and go back next semester, it'll help you keep your mind busy. I know how you feel and it suc**s!! But you can and will feel better, that is a promise. And start to get clean again, he's looking out for you and will help you. Stay strong my friend. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!!
Avatar universal
You know you can do this man!!!  I support you and sorry for your loss.
1855076 tn?1337115303
So sorry for your loss.  You can do this and remember your dad is right beside you guiding you through!  The sense of loss never goes away; it just gets less raw with time.  My mom died coming up on 6 years ago, the day after my birthday.  There isn't a day I don't think of her and miss her and I (and my kids) still have times of tears.

As hard as this is, remember how much your dad wanted you to have a great life and how much he loved you and wanted you to stay sober.  If you feel like it's all too much, try grief counseling.  I did a couple of visits and even though they change anything, it helped to be able to let everything out without worrying about upsetting anyone else.
Avatar universal
My Dad died in July and I have been struggling with a vicodin problem. On and off ..im so tired. My Dad was in recovery and had 15 years under his belt. What I wouldnt do for him to help me right now. I wish I had something positive to say to help. I dont even know how to help myself. Take comfort in knowing your not alone and you are a good person. Take care honey.
Avatar universal
Good morning, wantobefree, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today.

Hugs,

Minn
Avatar universal
  What you are doing and how you are feeling is completely normal. Everybody feels the same pain you are feeling right now. You will get over the lost and heart breaking feelings you feel right now. In time you will learn to stand on your own 2 feet and everything you are going through now will make you stronger. Your own words tell me that you know what you need to do. I don`t thing leaving school is a good idea. You need that to help you keep your mind on the right track. What will you do when you don`t have school to go to?  It could very well put too much free time on your hands to do the things you don`t want to be doing. If you need time,then maybe drop a class, but don`t drop all the way out.  Remember that your dad is still with you in spirit. How would he feel if you dropped out of school?  You can do it and I think you know it. You are stronger than you think.  I feel you need to honor your fathers memory and stay in school and get clean to you can have the life he wanted you to have.  I know that is what I would want from my kids if I was to pass. Just hang in there and try to stay positive. It will get easier and the pain will get less as time goes by.  Before you know it, you will have graduated from school and will be going on with your life. You will be looking back on this as a learning experiance. You will be proud of yourself for honoring your father by getting clean and living a good life. drug free.
Avatar universal
That wAs a touching post. i second that
Avatar universal
i failed just now and am angry at myself that i did... i have an exam tomorrow worth 50% of my final mark... the whole class is 2 tests. if i get below 60% i get kicked out of the course and potentially loose my job... its an apprenticeship intake..... i have to go 3 times during the apprenticeship.. and i cant afford to fail. i called my work and they said they would hold me back financially even with the whole situation if i failed the program.. so i took a little just now so i can study clearly without worry about everything as well as feeling crappy... bama you were right, deff going through wds..... frustrated with myself that i had pretty much been w/d free and now i feel like im back to square one.... i just cant afford to loose my job right now especially as my mom needs my financial support right now.... (she has colon cancer) and isnt working right now.... man at 23 years old i never thought id be under so much stress physically mentally and emotionally... feel like i should be 50 and dealing with this. but guess i cant really change that now can i? so theres the story.  we will get health insurance money from my dad but right now money is so tight that my mom cant make the mortgage payments or bills.... (thats the reason i moved home in the first place) to help out with the chores on the farm and help offset some of the costs to help out financially as well... man this is so hard. im overwhelmed to the maximum. never thought i could handle it but somehow i am.. now i just need to figure out how to do it without the oxy's and ill be set! haha $hit.... thanks for listening
Avatar universal
You can do this!

1st Peter 5:10-12
Keep a firm grasp on faith the suffering wont last forever. It wont be long before this generous God who has great plans for you in Christ, eternal and glorious plans they are!-- will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word yes he does!!

Hang in there Im praying for you!!
Avatar universal
Stay strong!  4 years ago to the day my brother died and not long afterwards I started on the opiate train.  All it did was numb the feelings and I never dealt with the loss.  Now, I am finally sober, in therapy and feeling the loss like I am supposed to.  

The feelings will be hard and brutal sometimes, but using will do nothing more that cover that pain for a short time.

W/D is part of the process.  Our minds trick us into thinking they will be worse then they are.  I relapsed for 45 days and I am on day 3 again and feeling much better, after only 10 days it will not be that bad, but believe me when I tell you, 10 days can turn into 10 months real quick.

Avatar universal
We will always be here to listen. I feel so bad that at such a young age you have so much on your shoulders right now.

I am thinking of you. You can stop those pills. I believe in you. Keep posting and get those feelings out.
I am proud of you for what you've already accomplished and I know you have it within you to fight this.

Hugs to you,

Minn
Avatar universal
I have been sitting here re- reading all of your posts over and over. It seems like you keep coming up with excuses as to why you need to keep using. I hope you aren`t losing sight of all the reasons you have to NOT use. We all have struggles we have to go through in our lives. Sometimes those struggles seem to be constant. But if you let yourself use those hard times as an excuse to use drugs, you will never be able to get clean. Life isn`t easy and many times it down right ***** and it is never fair. But  we HAVE to keep trying to make the best out of the hand we are delt. What you are going through is no harder than what many on here have had to go through and in some cases, not even as hard.  I`ve been reading your posts and hearing what you are saying and from what I`ve read, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just because it is easier to get high and do what you have to do, doesn`t mean it is the right way or even the best way to do it. But it is the easy way to deal with everything. It sounds like you are now the man of the family. That is a heavy load to carry , but one you can do.  It is time to get clean so you will be able to think with a clear head because your mom needs you to be able to think with a clear head. I really do understand your situation and I feel for you. But you were heading in the right direction and nobody wants to see you go backwards just because things are getting hard. It is part of growing up and becoming a man. What would you dad say?
Avatar universal
To add to that sometimes the reasoning for using is the exact reason NOT to use.  I mean that to be as supportive and kind as possible.  It took me a long time to figure that out.  Hope things turnaround for you soon.
Avatar universal
you guys are right... its time to turn things around for myself. no more using to get through things... today will be day one again! lol $hit! already feeling a little crappy but i gotta do this... time to man up and do what needs to be done... wrote my exam now theres no reasons to continue down the road and hurt myself even more... thanks for the help guys... the battle has begun. just wish i never started to do this all over again but.. thats the past. living in the moment for a couple more days should get me through this... i just really hope it wont be like the first time.... even a little easier would be a godsend! haha well either way i gotta do it so im about to find out!  im just so exhausted of putting myself through all this. gotta dig deep and fight it with all i got. ill keeo in touch on how im doing! thanks again to everyone for your continuing support!
Avatar universal
I have walked in your shoes. for some time. your nor alone.

Please detox and move forward. we can't continue this life. its slowly killing us. from being super high to super low. its hard on your body.

i can't do anymore detoxing. my body is tired. very very tired. each new detox takes alot of energy. Im not as young as i once was.

Time will march on. and the next time you look up. where do you wAnt to be?? here. or there??

Im not trying to bring you down. i am trying to show you the future if you keep using.

I will support you.

I've wasted 8 years. feel like Im in quick sand today. but its all part of the process. for 8 years i didn't feel anything. do anything. except exist.

Now Im picking up the pieces. and they are scattered everywhere.

this won't kill you. getting off this crazy ride. what it will do is be very very hard. i know your going tthru alot. I've kept you in my prayers.

I promise it will be worth it. give yourself a month. a month to even out again. feel what you feel. talk to us.....were all here for you.
Hugs...support....hugs some more.....more support. bama
Avatar universal
Glad to read this....Hope it all goes well for you!
Avatar universal
Those were some powerful posts and worth reading over and over. Life can stink, like with work situations, family issues, financial issues. The list goes on. Yet, life can be great, too, like the birth of a child or finding out your son got a 30 on his ACT (both events of which gave me a high better than any pill could).

It is a hard lesson to learn. Life is so darned unpredictable. We want to be in control. It is hard to accept that we aren't.

The thing is, there are some things you can control. I already know you can stop those pills. Oh, the withdrawal stinks, I will never forget that. I am not saying life will be roses after you quit. However, you will be able to truly experience it.

You are so young to have all this responsibly, yet I believe you have the determination and courage to take this on.

I am proud of what you have accomplished before. I know you are capable of making it because you did it before.

Hugs to you, Sweetie. You've got this.

Minn
Avatar universal
First of all--a great big hug of comfort to you!  You need it.  My Dad passed away unexpectedly and suddenly when I was young, and I went through the gamut of emotions you are going through.  Didn't think I would make it through.  Time, my friend, will carry you through to the other side of this nightmare.  Be patient with yourself, and remind yourself of that.  It is something you can count on.  In the meantime, your ideas of making all the positive changes in your life that your father would have been proud of are the best things you can be doing for yourself right now.  They are healing both in the mind and body.  Keep reminding yourself daily of how proud your dad would be of you.  Do not expect the pain of his loss to go away soon.  It will remain for some time yet.  Just accept that.  But your positive course of actions give you something proactive to do and will give you a boost of self esteem as well.  Also, others may disagree, but I believe your father will see the changes you are making and be proud of you, too.   I will say a prayer for your strength and courage, and for that of your family right now.  God bless you!  Please keep us posted with your progress--we CARE!!!!
Gasten
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I know how bad this hurts as i went thru this too.  I also said my addiction spiraled out of control after my dad passed away.  It is still one of my biggest regrets.  I too came up with every excuse in the world to keep using.  Once i finally figured out i had had enough i put the pills down as it wouldnt of been real long and i would of been joining my dad.  He wouldnt of been happy.  My dad was 20 plus years sober when he passed away.  It finally dawned on me that my dad was a part of me and i found that strength he had.  In time you will find that too.  Let yourself grieve, drug free.  You can do this.
Avatar universal
Good morning, wantobefree, just letting you know that I am thinking of you today.

Hugs,

Minn
Avatar universal
Made it another day sober... Got 97 and 94 on an exam today whoop! Lol cheers me up a bit. Dad always wanted 90s out of me lol.... I miss him. But have been praying and I can see him everyday in different ways I guess. Just little things here and there I say remind me of him... Starting to feel a little better emotionally but physically in some decent wd again... But at the end of the day I'm proud of myself for making it that far... Anyway thanks for listening... Thanks again guys... Stomach issues are really bothering me... Aka going to the washroom every 45 minutes... When will it just chill out and get back to normal?
Avatar universal
If you can get 90s while going through W/Ds, the sky is the limit for you.  Good job man...keep it up.
Avatar universal
Wow, doit is right. That is phenomenal. I do believe you have something between your ears, lol! ;) I hope you keep building on each success. Stay off of those pills and there's no telling what you will achieve.

Hugs,

Minn
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