Positivitivity

[krissy30]

Many of you know, I am still struggling with my addiction, my psych and who I even am anymore.  I forget what "normal" feels like....Please don't take this wrong....sobriety is the best way to live I know that, but I have many demons that still haunt me and I am struggling....as I am very sensitive, please don't post negative....

I would simply like to hear what keeps people clean, what positives....we all know the basics money, freedom....etc...
But, I would really like people to think about this and really dig deep....not just for the heck of it or for conversation, but b/c I have really been struggling lately and I need to hear it.....

I don't remember living a clean happy life and don't remember anymore...please remind me of what I am missing....maybe, just maybe it will help me.

Thank you so much everyone, for being so kind and supportive and as always listening to my sob stories.  LOL  Crystal

[dominosarah]

You are a very kind, intelligent loving woman.  You will see these wonderful qualities at some point.......Keep talking with us           sara

[LeaAnn807]

Crystal, I hate to hear (read) of your sad times.  I, too, had severe consequences to my drug use.  It seemed to be enough to make me stop using, but it never was.  Sometimes having something positive happen is more motivating than the negative for me.  I was scared of life without pills myself.  It was the scariest thought in the world.  I am still scared, because I don't know who I am without them. I have used for probably 15 yrs, so I literally don't know how I feel without them!!!

This site IS very therapeutic!  You're right!  You are doing great.  Just keep it up!

Love
TH

[krissy30]

Thank you all for the comments.  I have struggled with opiate addiction for about 13 years, but have dabbled in drugs for over 15.  I never have been happy.  I have 2 parents who were married very young and had me young....they've been married 30 years and I am 30.  LOL
Like I said mom just turned 19 and dad just turned 20 when i was born.  Five years later my brother was born...  My father resented us for many reasons....He was forced to grow up and get responsible and felt like he missed out on some partying....he felt that we were taking more of my mothers time away from him and that she loved us more....but we were children and never asked to be born....I was never physically or sexually abused, but there was definitely some emotional damage done by my father.....We started off very poor, but slowly my father progressed in his trade and started making decent money by the time my brother was born.  Even though money wasn't excessive, by the time I was 5 we at least had money for food and an average home.  My mother is great and always has been...she alwasy kept the peace between us kids and my father.  My father was present financially, but really didn't want much to do with us.  He went to work and came home and once he was home we walked on egg shells.  I won't go into much detail....But, I don't blame my parents for my drug habits, even though they didn't handle the situation well, they were only doing what they thought was best.  I never even hugged my father until I was in my 20's.  I still feel quite ackward when he tells me he loves me.  Too little too late.  It took me a long time to forgive my father....he was young, wasn't ready for kids, I get that.  He was a very selfish man, all his needs were met, but I was going to school in sneakers with holes and old sweats.  But, all my brother and I saw was the new car every couple of years and all the elctronics.  He bragged about what he made, 20 years ago it was like $65 grand a year....but as I said, it went to the bills and his "toys".  OH, and he was a raging alcoholic and so he always had his expenise imported beer on tap.  

So, with the childhood being crappy but not as bad as many other children.  I didn't have it great at home.  Add to that my crappy wardrobe, eye glasses, being chunky, and being raised and schooled as the only white kid in the upper middle class schools/neighborhood...I had terrible self-esteem.

When my parents found out I was using Heroin (not Coke like my father thought he knew for sure I was doing), my mother was loving and supportive, but my father was into the tough love BS.  That may be what works for many addicts, but my prob w/drugs stemmed from me hating being me and not wanting to kill myself, but wishing I would die, or better yet wasn't ever born.  Drugs made it feel a little more bearable to be me.  Then I found Heroin and forget it....it just took my life at 18 right away from me.

I don't want to be a downer, I don't want to say my prob are worse, cause they are not.  Satan gives his fair share of sh*t to everybody.  I have learned that I am a stronger person b/c of the things I have experienced and lived through.

I had accomplishments, I graduated high school w/ English Honors, I went to college, I went to school for Medical Billing/Coding, but Heroin has taken my life from me so many times, I feel like giving up.  I have been homeless so many times, I have been to jail more than once.  I have been in totally abusive and unhealthy relationships.  

Now, I am told I have been given another chance to get my life together.  I am so tired, I am so scared that I will build a new life, get the job, the car, the apt. and then relapse and loose it all AGAIN!  I crave opiates w/every fiber of my mind body heart and soul.  I am so scared of disappointing my family again.  I am so tired of being forced to get clean.  I am absolutely miserable when I am sober.  After living the life that I have, nothing seems like it would be able to compare.  Nothing else feels as exciting as when I got high.  After feeling that euphoria, I have no joy in anything else.

I don't expect any magic words....I am just so tired of trying to live a clean life and failing....what if I am not meant to?  What if I am not capable.  Don't get me wrong....I hate the life Heroin will eventually lead to, but I cannot imagine living a life w/o it.
Then I think about all I have to do to even attempt to live a normal life again.  Serving my jail time, paying fines up, reinstating my license (which I lost b/c I didn't go to court for shoplifting), and paying back all the student loans, and credit cards, and banks that I burnt writing bad checks.

As I said, I am really sorry for being such a "Debbie Downer", I just really needed to vent this.  I keep it holed up for so long that it leaves be chronically depressed.  And I really needed to hear that it can be done and the reasons people have for doing it (staying clean).  

Thank you so much for listening (reading) to me.  You cannot imagine how much joy it brings me to respond to your posts and know that I could help at least one of you, or maybe helped a younger person realize they have a problem before they screw their lives up too.  Just being on this site is very therapeutic, and was such a great idea....I am so lucky I found you guys....Thanks....Crystal

[kc156]

Hi krissy.  For me it is to experience life as it was before the opiate addiction.It has been a long time.Now I still take methadone at a dose where I could maybe stop now,but I must go down more to be able to keep working.But,I  like life more now ,because i am getting closer to home,to me,the real me.  The numbness is lifting,finaly.                     kc

[gnarly_1]

HI Cristal good to see you post...for me its been having my life back not having to rely on a dose of something just to feel normal...I withdrew from methadone it was a long agonizing 8 1/2mo withdrawal process...I got to see first hand just how much control methadone had over me ...it is very freeing not to be under its spell anymore ....there is also the sorta fog it puts you under your not high persay but it deffently quits the world around you...its great living life without that fog...life is beautiful again it comes at you in tec/na /color again...its nice to just feel normal again...yes life has its ups and downs but
its so much more fofilling without the narcotics blocking whats really going on...its just nice to be able to really feel emotions again love seams much deeper and its ok to cry from joy...spiritually it has brought me closer to God theres no longer the narcotic barer between me and God over all theirs just a sense of well being that comes along with being narcotic free and as I have said b/4 it is so so worth it in the end ...hope this gives you a little of what your looking for good luck and God bless....Gnarly    

[vicki595]

Hi Crystal~   I was not a fortunate child in that I don't believe I was "born happy".  I feel
like I've always had to work at it. And I have for most of my life.  I know what happy is although,at times for me,it has been elusive.
Now that I've been clean for a period of time,I'm beginning to feel some joy in the little,teen,tiny things. It sounds hokey but it's true.   You may be missing joy!!
Also,I've noticed some other things :  I look better. I laugh a deep,throaty laugh. My eyes are bright. I don't stumble over words and my math skills have improved. I'm
less cranky/irritable. My mood is light hearted and I'm funny again. I get more sleep.
I'm less anxious and more tolerant.  I still swear and that will never change. LOL
These are just a few examples.  I like the way I feel...I like myself.  This will help me to stay clean along with the myriad recovery tools(therapist,groups etc...).

Crystal,I really believe you will get there. I know you want to... Use every resource you
have.    You are so bright and articulate...you have so much to offer!!!

Your friend,Vicki

[avisg]

For me I found myself again I could really laugh at thing and feel it .We numb ourselves so much our emotion's go.There is no happiness, no joy ,no pain there really is nothing .When I got clean I started putting me first taking care of my body and my mind .I had not done that in a long time .I had been pulled in way to many directions I learned how to deal with life again it almost like an awaking a rebirth .A second chance to get my life back I gard that now ..I really was lost and  I am me again now the good and the bad :)

[LeaAnn807]

What keeps me clean?

Love....for others and myself. (this took a while.  still working on it!)
NA
Respect...for others and myself
Helping other people.  Even if it's just opening the door for someone at church or wal mart
Making a gratitude list. (do it. it helps!)
Keeping a positive attitude

There are more, but you get it.....

Look around you.  There are many reasons to be clean.  Do you want to depend on pills again?  That also keeps me clean.  I can ACTUALLY relax, unaided.  That is on my gratitude list!!!  I don't have to worry about having enough pills for: vacation, work, relaxing, going to the mall, grocery store...whatever.  I don't need pills to do anything, because I DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE!  

Be happy with what you have and the fact that you are "ok"!  That goes a long way in keeping you sober!  

Good luck, sweetie!

TH