Ready to get help

[justme1119]

Ok,

   I am ready to get help.  I have been getting enough Norco for 6/day for the past 5 months and have been taking them in two weeks and going through withdrawals every month.  Before that I was clean for 8 months.  Before that, on and off of several years.  I don't have a dealer.  I haven't missed much work.  This month I felt worse on them than off of them.  I've had trouble eating and my energy level actually went down when I started back on them.  I'm not sure where to start.  My family, appearing very normal, actually turns on the weak, so I'm frightened.  I have a therapist that I just stared seeing for family issues, so I think she's the one I'm going to for help.  I'm in a small town for 26 years.  I'm scared to death of the label of addict.  But I know I have to tell someone and get some advice.  I'm so scared.  

[clean_in_ks]

"Relapse is not a requirement, it is a choice".  Thanks for that IBK!!

The only other thing I've heard similar to that was in the walls of AA/NA,
"the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using/drinking".

Justme1119.....I am SO glad you have returned.  I didn't know you before, but I already have been helped by your post!  For ALL of us to read that someone made it 8 MONTHS or SEVERAL YEARS and relapsed is very important.  We are here to help and learn from each other.

I, too, am a person who had/has immense pain, took pain pills, and you know the rest of the story.  Tonight, I'm hearing myself tell my hubby, man my back hurts!!!  But then I say... so what girl.....do some stretches, take some more frickin tylenol (ha).....I'm still learning how to live my life with pain......without pain pills so you aren't alone by any means.  There's a lot of us on here with that situation.  You know we aren't "less than" people, or lowdown scum or something because we admit we are addicts.  We are people whose brain chemistry is wired in such a way that we feel good on pain pills and they help us at first (and for awhile) and then our tolerance  builds and the snowballing begins.  I have sisters and a husband who get sick and feel weird if they take pain pills.  (And I think THAT's weird! LOL)  But, I have accepted who and what I am today and don't seek the approval of others if they don't understand.  I just choose to surround myself OFTEN with people who DO understand, are just like me in many ways, love me, and I watch and seek out people who are living clean lives, are happy and working a program.
I have read over and over on this MH site people who started off doing all the right things.  They cut off their sources, they shared their addiction with another human being, and they were involved in some aftercare.
It's the ones who quit doing those things.......they reconnected with a possible source, they started secretive behavior again, they quit going to meetings.....one of those it seems.  Then, "running on empty", temptation, pride, "I can have just one", all those lies are able to creep back in.

I am really glad you posted and have a plan.  My biggest problem is KNOWING what I need to do and not ACTING on it.  I know you are gonna do it diff this time. Thank YOU for teaching ME that even after 8 months or a few years, the addiction will lie in your ear and I'm NOT LISTENING!!
Blessings to you, girl~

[YesLife4Me]

This sounds much like my last relapse...they didn't make me feel better..in fact worse.   Detox is awful and everytime you go through it, it just gets harder physically and mentally.  Sounds like you are in the same place I was 7 days ago and that was my wake up call.  The pain drove me back and I found out I wasn't missing anything.    

[IBKleen]

WHOA! Slow down honey. One thing at a time. You don't have to run around and tell everybody. You only need to share with those you are seeking help from. If you choose the fellowship of NA then there you will admit to a group of people who have been where you are or are still where you are and will love you unconditionally. If you decide to do meetings, here is the meeting locator:

http://portaltools.na.org/portaltools/MeetingLoc/

Pain is the reason for many a relapse. It was for me as well. Find pain alternatives. Ask your doctor and ask here. You need to set yourself up for success. Have things in place and get prepared so there is no room for relapse. Relapse is not a requirement, it is a choice.

Slow down...calm yourself. Stick around honey and ask all the questions you need to. Someone will always be here to guide you.

[OpenMind24hours]

I'm like you. I just went thru my 3rd WD from hydro in 3 years and I'm sick of it. We did a blessing list on here couple days ago. I'm 61 days clean and feel the blessings now.  I don't want to lose this new life that's unveiling itself right now. The very top of my list were these folks on this site, NA & AA. No way I can do it on my own. It's also about change with me. If I don't change nothing changes.

You have the willingness right now, it's time to go into action and get your freedom back. I wish you the best!

[justme1119]

I think the reason I was able to get off of the methadone was because they didn't give me a high.  I didn't tell anyone about that but my husband and you guys.  I have not desire to do that again, or anything like that.  Getting off of that was hell on earth for six months.  I think I need to quit my job.  I don't hurt near as much when I'm off in the summer.  The pain makes me go back to the pills too.  If I have less pain, I have less need for the pills.  

[justme1119]

I have to tell.  I have to tell my doctors, pcp and pain.  I need help doing that.  I can't tell my family until they are healthier.  I may need rehab.  I need meetings.  I may not be able to do everything I'm doing and get better.  I need to change the way I think.  Being in trouble is not the end of the world.  Needing help does not make me a bad person.  I'm so fearful of the stigma.  

[IBKleen]

Welcome back. I remember you and if I remember correctly, you also detoxed off of Methadone some years back, right? And then off of Norco? So you know the drill. You know how to GET clean. It seems you are having trouble STAYING clean. So what do you think you need to do differently this time?

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!  You said it yourself.  You feel better off of them than on.  Your energy levels went down this time.  I remember that being the beginning of the end for me.  When I felt like doing nothing but being in bed when I had pills instead of cleaning or socializing or just doing stuff in general, I needed to stop.  At first pills HELPED me wanna do those things.  In the end, I couldn't do them.  Just wanted to be still and not ruin having them by getting my mind off of it.  Make sense?  You may not have missed work yet.  May not have spent much money yet.  Bought from a dealer yet.  We all have our "yets" but before long, that list of yets will dwindle!  You'll have done things you'd never do under normal circumstances.  

It's time to stop now!