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Really need a friend

I already know what all to expect, I know what's coming...right now I just need a friend that knows exactly what I'm going through. My addiction is pretty bad, but I'm trying hard to fight this. I just feel very alone right now
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Avatar universal
Leave me be? Nooo! LoL
I've never heard that story before, but it is inspiring, thanks for sharing.
Music is actually helping me right now, its about the only thing. There's a song by "third day" called "cry out to Jesus" its such an amazing song. It talks about addicts which absolutely gives me inspiration. Please listen to it if you've never heard it, I promise you will feel good after hearing it. Of course I cry my eyes out cause the first time I heard it was 5 years ago while in the hospital with my 14 year old son at the time, watching his dad die from alcohol. After seeing what my own child went through after losing his dad at such a young age...my addiction got worse, how selfish of me! Like my son needs to bury another parent lost in addiction.
Anyhow, thanks again for talking to me, it means more than you'll ever know.
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1808884 tn?1324345703
I can tell YOU ARE going to get this!!!
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Avatar universal
Rehab is not an option for me...I just have to wing this somehow. As sad as I an to say this, I get a script for ambian tom and I'm very much looking forward to getting some sleep. I'm going to do everything in my power to NOT abuse them. I do have a plan, just hoping it works.
Right now I'm lucky if I get a shower...I couldn't even go to the store today. I know keeping busy is a huge part of it, but that will have to wait a few more...I feel like death.
Btw, congrats! hold your head high, girl! You are accomplishing what most can only dream about.
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1808884 tn?1324345703
My husband is kinda old fashion and this is an expression that cracks me up, but it is true!  "EXPECT NOTHING and what you get is cream!"  Kinda funny?   Maybe try not to expect good or bad!  Just try!  I really want you to get this!  I don't want you to go 10 more years like I did!  I wish someone would have opened my mind earlier.  I am talking about me getting educated at rehab.  I've been to a few different ones but this one really cared about me!  Ok, I will leave you be.  Just take it easy!  
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1808884 tn?1324345703
Just think, you can start giving advice instead of taking it all the time.  Your supposed to take it now.  That's all you need to do now, but just think if you put one foot in front of the other and don't look back, you will make it and you can tell everyone you did!  When you catch yourself looking back, you have to be strong and do something you don't think is possible or it seems so difficult.  It will make you stronger!  I think of the Buddha!  I love Jesus, but I think of the Buddha's story.  His father kept him hidden behind a wall away from the world.  They lived in a castle and had everything he could ever want.  Sounds like drugs?  Anyways, when he was 29 he got curious and went outside of the walls and he saw an old person that was starving and could not believe what he was seeing.  He went home to his wife and new child and told them he was leaving.  He wanted to feel the extreme of what the people on the other side of the wall were feeling.  He became a stronger person for it.  But, then came to realize, he didn't HAVE to put himself through that and started to live a simple happy life!  
I just love that story!  We have to be like him.  I do not worship him.  I am just inspired by the story.  
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1808884 tn?1324345703
Nutrition and exercise helps a lot.  For me the harder I pushed myself through this the faster I am getting through this.  But, I stay in the MOMENT!  I am not looking forward to tomorrow.  Just never give up!  Get yourself educated about how to heal yourself with nutrition and exercise and meditation and prayer.  You need this to help you to get through the mental part!  I've detoxed many of times on my own, only to go back.  Actually, I am living in a place where I don't have access.  The last place I was getting them from was my dad and he died in April.  He was a mess.  Alcohol and pills!  I was getting Morphine from him.  I took advantage of his alcohol soaked brain and got as many pills out of him as possible.  I am not ashamed of it!  I am an addict and I can only change today.  I can't change yesterday!  "It is what it is".  It's not going to change.  I am not going to beat myself up over it!  You need to go easier on yourself.  Seriously, the more you get educated about this stuff the easier it is.  I went to a great rehab in 2009 for 7 months an 10 days.  It was the best thing I ever did!  It was a diamond in the ruff.  It was the last rehab on a list that I was calling.  They were the only ones who could take me right away.  I was thinking, this place must not be that great!  But, I was in for a surprise!  If you can, maybe you should go!  You really need to learn somehow, someway!  It helps a whole lot.  You can learn from the people on here.  Just remember to  BREATH!  You will be ok.  You are ok!  I thought I was going to go crazy without sleep and I have a great boss that gave me  a week off and changed my schedule so I wouldn't be so anxious about going to work.  I actually quit work and went to work the same day.  Work helps me a lot.  I work with the public and just faking being happy was making me happy!  YOU HAVE TO FAKE IT TO MAKE IT!
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Avatar universal
Thanks hon! Words of encouragement are always a nice thing to read. I also keep thinking about all the terrible things I've done to the people I love and the guilt from that is almost worse than this hell. Loving myself is going to take time. I've done really terrible things, all in the name of my ignorant addiction. And just the thought of having to come clean with the things I've done, omg it terrifies me!
6 years ago I was a youth leader, a very honest person, I never lied. Now, ha, I'm master of that and manipulation. Nothing about me is the same, my life is forever altered by drugs.
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1808884 tn?1324345703
Hi, I too like gnarly_1 have been on pills for 16 years!  I am going on day 20!  I am doing great!!!  When you feel all these feelings, know that's what they are and they WILL change if you really want them to!  You HAVE to FEEL this and keep RENEWING your mind.  When your head is brining you down, which it sounds like it's almost constant, that's when you have to get a little spark of hope in you to get through that little bit of misery, 5 minutes at a time.  Also, if you can go to a doctor or ER or any doctor that will help ease your mind.  I am going to have an ER bill now, but I have ease of mind.  I will pay the bill when I can.  Anywho, you CAN push through this!  You HAVE TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH!  Soon as you get the thought of escaping to a pill, get your mind on something else!  Imagine that pill in a cage and look at the lines on your hands or the shape of your toes and thank God for your toes the lines on your hands.  You need to get thankful!  Grateful!!!  Start with the stuff God gave you!  He didn't give you drugs!  He gave you the body you are in.  Take steps in the right direction!  When you feel yourself going back a step you can take as many steps in the right direction as you want.  You just need to decide how hard you want to fight!  How hard do you want this?  I will pray for you!  God Bless You!  I know how it is!  The longer you are in your addiction the harder the detox.  You don't want this anymore.  Love yourself!!!  
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Avatar universal
Thanks Gnarly! What's your advice on me loving the life style? I think I'm struggling with that part as much as all the rest of it right now. I had about an hour tonight that was really good, I actually saw hope, I was excited...but it went away fast. I'm sooo tired, I layed down and slept for 15 minutes. This is the part that gets me every time. I'll think "just one pill, just so I can sleep" of course that's a lie, but I fall for it all the time. Right now I just want SLEEP!
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Avatar universal
HI Welcome to the forum where glad you found your way here I was an opiate addict for 16 1/2 yrs so its not hopeless if I can kick anyone can over the yrs I ran seveal thriving bissness with the crap to I should be doing 100 to life for my participation again you can change your ways I did this dosent sound like your first rodeo with doing this so you should know to force the fluids hot baths for the aches and pains we have something called the thomas recipe you will find it uder the health pages in the lower right of this screen ......we highly recamend this stuff it will ease your symptoms you will have plenty of support wile you go threw this just post let us know where your at and we will hep you threw the withdrawals as well as your recovery I wish you all the best good luck and God bless......Gnarly    
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Avatar universal
I totally agree with everything you're saying, its just hard to comprehend it with my addicted mind right now. I actually moved a few months ago because of the people at my door. So the good news is, no one knows where I  live now...of course they still know my number and my phone blows up all day long.
I look at my life and can't really figure out how I got here. I'm 43  and spent nh 20s and 30s raising my kids. I now have 3 amazing grandchildren, all of which I saw born and I was high through everyone, disgusting! I can NEVER her those moments back. This is a terrible way to live...
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1374564 tn?1295059520
A long time ago I was dating a dealer. I remember that lifestyle very well. But you said it yourself, you are part of the problem that is out there. I realized it too back then and I left the man and I never went back to that life. It was hard leaving it, I had all the money and drugs I could ever want. I thought I was on easy street until I started having my friends literally standing outside my window all day begging me  for just one line, one joint, one pill. And they would do this all day, some every day until I would give in just to make them stop. It was frightening and disgusting to see.

Think about that. All the people who come to you that you know are addicted. They have that haunted, hungry and desperate look in their eyes. That is probably how you look right now. You are smart enough to realize what you are doing is not only harming yourself, but you are harming the people you deal to and you are ashamed of that fact. Shame in this is actually a good thing. It will motivate you.

You can walk away from that life. You have to. Think about it. You may save someone else's life besides your own if you stop dealing and using.  
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Avatar universal
kind = like
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Avatar universal
I dont have any vics, I just got a few to get me through last night. As for the convulsions, I thought it was from opanas cause I've never had them before and trust me, I've wd a million and one times before, usually because I was out. I'm also struggling with the life style addiction brings. As ashamed as I am to say this...I'm also a dealer. Just writing that makes me sick! I'm part of the reason people are like this. And the sad thing is, I love the life style. I kind selling AND buying..buy why? That's the part I'm not getting within myself. Anyone have a clue?
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1374564 tn?1295059520
You should not take the Vicodin either as it is an opiate, same as the Oxy. You are just trading one for the other there so stop it. Flush the pills if you think you can and get going through these withdrawals. Yes, they are going to suck and I wonder if with what happened to you before you shouldn't seek medical advice for your addiction hon. Convulsions are no laughing matter and if you are alone when it happens, something serious could happen in conjunction to them. You could hit your head or worse! Please think about talking to a doctor who can help you with your withdrawals and possibly give you medications that can help immensely with the symptoms.
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Avatar universal
Thanks! I just feel like I'm losing it right now. I stopped using sunday, but took some vics last night to take some of the edge off. Vics are not my doc, so, in my mind, I figured it was ok. I know, that's an addict mind thinking. I also read all these post and how some people have months, even years being clean and I think to myself "oh surely they weren't as bad as I am with their addiction. is that also the addict thinking? I've been on these things for 6 very long years...and just like most, the years that go by, the worse it's gotten. last month I came off a 3 month binge of opana. I went off them for 3 days with nothing and I have NEVER felt wd like that in my life, I actually had convulsions. It made oxy wd look like a walk in the park. I need to keep that fresh in my mind cause I honestly thought I was going to die. I went back to my old routine after that, but staying away from opana. My addiction is out of control! I will snort about anything up my nose...as long as it will get me high. Ambian is REALLY bad for me...I've snorted an entire bottle before. How I'm alive, I'll never know. Divine intervention I guess...God wasn't done with me. I really want to be clean and find myself again, I just have no clue who that person is anymore...I'm simple an addict right now.
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1374564 tn?1295059520
Hi Kirsten,

You aren't alone at all. Just start talking and we'll be here to listen and support you and maybe even be able to guide you in some ways. A lot of the folks here have been here for awhile and they know what they are talking about. I know I have been given some fantastic advice and support through my fight with addiction and I am positive you will as well.
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi Kirsten, you know we understand.  What is going on?  Start talking~~sara
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