Recovery is as lonely as addiction

[catmagnet]

This isn't even a question, just needed to get this out. My husband has recently started using again =( I'm very, very sad and right now I'm crying. He did so well for almost a year, now has another doctor convinced he's in "pain", which of course I know isn't true. He's spiraling out of control so much faster than the first time. Now I see how addicts pick back up where they leave off. He runs around half the night drinking and popping pills, that takes a lot more energy than I have. I can't talk to him, every time I try, we get in an argument. He sleeps all day again, unless, of course, someone shows up with "something" He's been totally ignoring me otherwise, doesn't compliment me on anything anymore, only criticizes. He has a relatively minor surgery coming up and just says he needs to take the edge off his nervousness. We all know every excuse in the book to use, right? We are no longer drifting apart, we are racing apart. I don't go many places with him anymore because of the crowd he's been hanging out with. I don't care about my appearance when I'm with him anymore, but by myself I do, I actually enjoy the attention. I know this is a real danger sign for our marriage, too. Maybe this should be in the relationships forum I just don't know. But I know you guys better and it's hard to say this to just anybody, ya know? I just don't know how much longer I can take this. It's going to kill me one way or another. My blood pressure has been consistently kind of high and my nerves are shot to heck too, but I'm not running out to doctors saying I'm in "pain"Anyway, thanks for reading this post, I don't even know what to say or do, I just feel 100% alone right now...

[rrfriedman]

A little late here, but I just wanted to let you know that in my experience, there are plenty of people in Al-Anon who are also in AA, NA, or another 12 step program. Like attracts like and addiction runs in families, so your situation is (sadly) not unusual. Don't let fear stop you from using all the resources available to get you through this.

[gnarly_1]

HI Cat good to see you back but im sorry its on such bad terms....I agree with IBKLEEN you need to worrie about you right now....your stressing out theres drugs in the house your marriage sounds like its on the rocks these are all critical red flags that relapses is possible
get to a meeting...and alanon wouldn't be such a bad idea ether you will just know both sides of the fence is all....if not that get to an N/A meeting...its no fun living with someone in active addition you know the drill he has got to want to help himself b/4 anything is going to change so get out and help you wile you can you have came to far to relapse I dont know if you believe in God our not and im not here to shove him down your throat if you dont but if you do try praying that God will show him the light with his addiction and also pray for your marriage I have watched God move a mountain in my marriage so prayer works good luck and God bless..I will pray for both of you.....Gnarly    

[izgubljena]

she seems like a strong person,and she's clean now.i am new on the forum so i dont know how long she's been an addict and how much time she's been clean but the messages she wrote here are sober and realistic.but that's only my opinion...

[IBKleen]

Izgubjena...what? That is a very dangerous suggestion for an addict.

First off, I think (and this is just my opinion) that you will have a hard time trying to talk with him and relate to him now that you are clean. You probably won't understand what he is saying since he is high and his feelings and thoughts are drug induced. He has the potential to hurt your feelings right now which it seems he already has. At last----the chance of you using because of this situation is very high. I think you know that. It's the old "If you can't beat 'em, then join 'em". That concerns me.

Al-Anon is a great idea but right now I think you need a meeting for YOU and YOUR recovery, not to learn how to deal with his. Never mind about who sees you, or who is talking, etc. This is about your life and to hell with all of them. Do what you need to do to help you!!

I am glad you thought to come here and talk. I will pray for you (and him of course) and hope that you make it through this.

[izgubljena]

you've been like that too ...a manic 5-year old.all addicts act that way.so you have to understand him ..dont avoid talking with him about it.that sick 5y.o. kid in us just needs some conversation,some attention,you need to show him he's hurting not only himself.....!you have to ask him what exactly made him f*ck his recovery up.honesty is the key.,,,,also you have to be honest with the doctor too,as you said,and tell him your hubby is an addict,call him or something.good luck.

[GoingToMakeIt]

You could try calling the doctor and asking to have him speak with you. They will usually call back when they have time. That way you're not there with your husband.

[catmagnet]

He stopped using June of 2009, I hid mine a little longer( I thought) until I was fed up with being sneaky and sick and I checked myself into detox last December. When we were both clean we got along so much better and almost seemed like a different couple. Of course I'm not blaming him for this, it could happen to any one of us. I actually feel bad for him but at the same time I'm fed up with being married to a manic 5-year old. That's what he's been acting like!

[catmagnet]

Wow, a lot of response, thank you all. I must be a slow typist lol. I really would like to tell his surgeon when he goes in if I can get him alone for a minute. I don't want to bring it up in front of hubby, I know he would be so mad and would make my life even harder. But I am on his medical privacy papers and I think I have the right to at least tell the surgeon he is an addict. He has no clue or I'm sure he wouldn't do it. This is the same dr. from years ago who wouldn't let him stay on vicodin. Maybe I'll just tell him after the surgery and he comes out to talk to me. Don't worry about me, guys, I'm not going back to that stuff...I'm seeing how fast it grabbed hold of him again, and I don't want to live like that...

[catmagnet]

Thank you for answering, you're sweet for doing so. I though maybe I'd feel a little wierd going to al-anon, seeing how I'm an addict too. I really don't want to town to know how much trouble our marriage is in either, and he knows just about everybody around here. That's one reason it's easier online for me. I don't even think HE realizes how much our relationship has deteriorated in such a short time. I'm getting too old to be playing games with him. I know I need to care for myself, but it's so hard to do when ur so depressed...

[GoingToMakeIt]

Al-Anon is a good idea. We are here for you too.
Have you thought about contacting his Doctor?
Be there for him but don't bow to his addiction. Don't blame him either. Addiction happens because of the chemical makeup of the drugs and the individual.

[Icntkickit]

Cat I must say I'm sorry for how your husband is being right now. Don't think your alone because you are not. Did y'all both stop using at the same time? Please don't go back to using no matter how bad it gets!!! If he is useing now he will b for a while. Not it's just to take the edge off then after the surgery it will b for pain. Can u not go to the dr with him and let the dr know he is an addict??? The dr will have to listen or at least feel sum shame for giving him more right??
I know u want tohelp him but if he doesn't want the help it just makes it worse.  You have sum choices to make please just stay clean. Tell him if he is going to continue to use that your gone. Please keep us updated and stay strong!!! Go out and do sumthing for YOU!!!

[Cissy373]

First of all you are NOT alone we are here for you. I truly can feel the pain your in and my heart goes out to you.

I suggest you check into Al-Anon its for family of alcoholics or addicts, and it might just help you, cause you need support of other folks dealing with what your going through.

That being said........if hubby doesn't want to help himself, hon their is no way you can do it for him, and you have to care about yourself first.

Keep posting and others more knowlegable (sp) than me can help you.