Relapse Worries, I Want the Hell Out of Here

[troubleinohio]

for the 1st time since i quit its getting harder for me in regards to relapse concerns. I am absolutely stressed to the max, depressed, scared, hurt, apprehensive of the future, and just horrified in general at all the uncertainty in my life right now. it would be so easy to relapse right now. as most of you know Im using a few percs for broken bones but have3 not misused them and in fact only used 1 whole one since yetserday. but the temptation is there to call the ortho Dr and ask for vics instead whic he would do Im pretty sure. I havent come close to doing this, but the thought has crossed my mind in the last day or so. I wont let myself do it, Im over 60 days off vicodin now damn it.

I just wish i knew how to put my life back together.....instead it keeps falling apart worse each day. I never should have come back home to the husband and things are coming to a head again with him. and just a lil bit ago he came stomping in the room with my pack of cigarettes and said YOURE THROUGH WITH THESE END OF STORY and threw them away. He will take my car keys and give me no money to ensure I cant get any smokes.  I do not want to quit rght now. I cant deal with all his shittt without my smokes. He is trying to control everything again with me and I despise him so much...
I just want OUT. Away from him. He is driving me insane. He wont leave the house for anything and is constantly breathing down my back yelling at me for something. teh only reason Im gettign to type this right now is because the neighbor came over and they are in the basement talking. thankfully i can type faster and a lil better than I have been from my bad hand. thats about only good thing i have to report from around here.  
One last question before I go, does anyone know of resources for job placement type of things? i want a job so bad. I want out of this house and away from him ......yesterday...
thanks guys
xo xo

[MissBecca24]

http://www.snbw.org/

Go to this site . They have tons of helpful info ! Im so sorry that you are going through this but you have to get out before its to late !  The cigs getting thrown away is only a little piece of what happen! If you need anything at all please let me know
Becca

[newmanagment]

call the police, file an order of protection. sounds like he needs some co-dependent counseling. I hope you dont use again, i have followed your story for a while, and u have given me inspiration and hope in some rough times. does he get physically violent? or just mentally? either way you can file an OOP, file for divorce, get child support and maintence, all without YOU leaving the home you have built for you children. they should be allowed to stay where they are comfortable!! after all , children are the ONLY innocent humans on this earth, the rest of us are guilty of something...

[hope08]

eh i am so sorry you are going through all of that at once! have you tried explaining where you are coming from to the husband? I would lock myself in the bathroom and say you are doing relax time right now....at least give you a minute to have some clear thoughts. i know you are in ohio too, so getting out of the house to be in nature is def out of the question! what county are you in? i have a website for the job center down here, and i think they may have links to other counties in ohio....

deep breaths....maybe reading a little to get out of your own head for a bit...

i hope things get better for you, and soon!!!

[angel44240]

Man.. if my ex would have done that, I would have beat him down! LOL.. Noooo way! Honestly- and I've heard this from the 'best' of the addicts.. lol.. it's kind of like flushing an addicts pills down the damm drain- they're just gonna and get MORE! duh!
Some people don't understand that.. that's actually wasting away money!
As for jobs- when you get another chance to go on the internet, go to monster and careerbuilder.. very easy to use..
If this were me, and I had a family member I could stay with, I'd GOooooo! How long were you away the last time before you went back home?
There are ways of coping and ways of escape when it gets REALLY rough.. If you toughed it out and made it through this long, you can definitely endure some change, and that change is by getting away for a little while.. Follow your heart, girl.. I'm definitely praying for ya!
Love ya!
Alli

[kris123]

I know it is so hard for you right now.  My sister has to deal with an ******* as well - he should not be taking your keys and treating you this way - i feel for you so so much -

As for daycare - call the local Social Services - they help with daycare costs - in VA they help out a lot - just ask them what the income limit
They also help with insurance for you and your kids

I know it is hard to live with your parents - i lived in one little bedroom with my mother with a 12year old and an 8month old - it was crazy - i now am renting a townhome and it came i just had to wait - i had to get on my feet - i was there for about a year!!  Me and my mother do not get along but I had to do it for both my children and now i got my own place - it is hard at times with two kids and money gets tight but God always provides for me and them -

[NautyOne]

I dont know if your vision of a shelter of transitional living center, but they are not like Red Cross shelters with cots an people and children running around.  They are homes that are run by the state.  Ask first what the place is like.  No its not your home and you may have to share a room with someone just like you. There is a reason for that.  Your kids will be with you and cared for in a healthy environment.  This is not a big step......it is HUGE and scary.  I know.  I won't even tell you how long it took me to make the step.  But, I did and it was the best thing that ever happen to me.  I checked your area and there a quite a few. I'm not going to find them for you.  You have responsibility to yourself and children to do this.  the 800 number is national, that is why you need to call.  They can pinpoint exactly where you are, so they can find the best resource in your area.  I wish you the best.

Nauty................

[Flutterby111]

meant to say nautys right.

[Flutterby111]

Nauty's....don't be scared to call....please.  I called so many 1800 #'s a couple weeks ago it was insane.....You should be scared of what could happen if you don't call....they are there to help, seriously.....I've had to swallow so much flippin pride in the past 3 weeks it's sick...I just had a drug counselor call me today randomly who was referred to me by a county agency who I was referred to by the ER I went to...see?  we all got issues.  don't be scared sweetie.

[gizzy32]

you do not deserve to live like this. i can't offer any advice on this subject cause i wouldn't know what to tell you, but i want you to know i am thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers. there is nothing worse than a controlling partner. do what you need to do to be safe. we hate seeing you this way and you need to get out. im so sorry you are dealing with this, but hang in there, you will make the right decisions and be happy again soon. take care of yourself and your children. miss you.

[cathy5841]

in our state they have childcare assisstance for ppl in your sit...check it out

[Flutterby111]

Are your children safe?  Now I'm wondering about the kids.................do you need to get out with them?  Kids aren't blind....not one bit.

[NautyOne]

CALL THE NUMBER I JUST POSTED ABOVE.  NOBODY OUT HERE WILL HAVE THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS.......CALL THE NUMBER.  THEY WILL HELP YOU.  MOST IMPORTANTLY.............YOUR CHILDREN.  

[Jacqui805]

There's a place (just remembered the name) that is very helpful called The Opportunity Council.  If it's not called this in your community, I apologize, and as soon as I can, I will check some stuff out for you.  Every hospital by the way, also has a number that they will provide you with regarding abuse (mental/verbal/physical/psychological/sexual) and they will provide you with more help for the other issues as well.

Jacqui

[feohmoon]

It is overwhelming hon, I know that...but even if you must stay with mom for awhile - just until you get on your feet.  Hey, I had to do it too...I had a nice house I had to walk away from...be thankful you can walk away.
The first step is the hardest.  Do not let your kids be a reason to stay when they are a reason to go.  It is not your fault - You will be stronger than ever once you take that first step.
I am here...whatever you do...keep posting....Saying a prayer for you now and sending good energy your way.

[cathy5841]

trouble,  do not let him get you down...that is what he wants....but watch out for yourself, you know what he is capable of.  i dont have any advice for you but i will pray for you.  

flutter pretty much said it all....great post flutter

can you not go to your m oms and STAY?
love ya girl
cathy

[toxictome]

Again...
call the # nauty posted

check out your options..
you have to start somewhere...
they will have suggestions for you!

[troubleinohio]

another question..if i am lucky enough to find a real job, what do i do with the kids?? the plan all along had been for me to be a stay at home mom until they were both in school fulltime. I wanted to fulfill this so much. I love being with my boys all the time and i treasure every moment with them as I realize how fast they grow and these times will be gone before I know it and they'll be all grown up. It makes me so sad to know I wont be able to be with them 24/7 when they are still little. This is the last spring/summer I will have with my oldest who just turned 5 before he starts school in the fall. I wanted to be able to spend as much time as possible with him before he went to scholo. on the other hand, if i dont find a way out of this house an d away from husband, something very bad is going to happen here =(   I need a job not just for my sanity and safety but for money as well (obviously) because it looks like Im going to be a single parent on my own. I dont want to leave to my moms again though, i really want my own place so much. I go stir crazy when Im in someone elses house for any length of time. I need my own place, my own domain, does that make any sense?  I wouldnt even care if its a crummy little apartment or trailer at this point (I live in a big old country house in the woods right now which i love so very much and its hard to give up).
There s just so many aspects i have to consider and decide upon, and Im so frustrated that I cant think straight anymore , its all so overwhelming.

[toxictome]

Your best bet may be to get out and go to a safe house( probably the # nauty posted)
and go from there.....

I know the place here will give you free counseling and help you make a plan to leave.
Call the # and see what your options are.

Stay safe and stay strong!!

[mimi1313]

Flutterby couldn't have said it any better. Don't let him take anything from you.

[Jacqui805]

I can't remember the name, but in the back of the yellow pages, in the blue pages, there are inumberable helpful agencies.  When you call one, if it's not the right one, they will usually be able to direct you to the one you need.  I feel so much for you.  Is there anyway you CAN get out, anywhere you can go?  On top of controlling, he sounds pretty violent and angry.  Like you don't have enough to deal with right now?!  Please hang in strong.  You have gotten through so much, and are still.  Don't, and I know you won't, let him trash things for you!  

Jacqui

[bmc1976]

So sorry for what you are going though. Like Flutterby said, stay strong! I wish there was something we could all do to help! Just remember, tomorrow is a new day. Just stay strong and make it through today. Don't let him be the reason you relapse. Do not call the doctor and get vicodin! You can do this. I'm thinking of you hun! You will make it through today and tomorrow you can start fresh! Best of luck!
Brian

[feohmoon]

Don't you have an employment securty commission?  
I feel so bad for you...you do not deserve this at all.
Please try so hard to find positive thoughts and feelings and try to build from there....I will pray for you.
There is so much I want tosay to you hon, but I know you know it all already.
If ever you need to talk...let me know...Nomatter when...I will try to be there as soon as I can for ya.

[Flutterby111]

Oh sweetheart!!!  You are tougher than him.....You stand up to him be being the bigger person here and rising above it!!!  Let him roll off you girl....he wants to get a rise.  He wants to control you...Don't you dare let him!!!  YOU prove to yourself that you are worthy and you are strong!  And YOU get back at him by succeeding at anything you can right now!!!  I don't know the entire story, I have read a little bit about you before but if he is the type who puts you down, beat him at his own game, don't let him put you down, don't let him beat you down, that's what he wants!  YOU win!  YOU rise!  YOU succeed!  and YOU will feel gREAT about YOURself...YOU'll see....