Relationships in recovery

[rlucas]

I know in NA and AA they tell you to not get into a relationship for at least the first year of recovery. I'm curious what peoples thoughts are on this topic.

I have a little over 5 months clean time and I recently became involved with someone in the program with even less clean time. To be brief, she recently relapsed and she has completely just shut me off from her life. It's been hard to say the least. I want to help her and hope that she comes back to the program but I'm not holding my breathe. I think this is a good example of why not to get into a relationship with people in early recovery.

It is just hard because it feels like she chose the drugs over me. Which really blows.

Thoughts?

[avisg]

I was thinking the same thing CATFU said I think she is trying to help you continue your recovery .Even If she cant right now .You need to continue working your recovery I think that's probably why they think its not wise to get involved in the first year.

[rlucas]

It may be that she is trying to shield me from her relapse. At this point I have given up. This weekend she called me drunk and coked up telling me she got kicked out her house and that she is homeless. I told her I would do anything to help her but it's like she doesn't care at all. She doesn't want my help. I have seen this disease affect people in different ways, but to watch such an amazing young girl crash and burn is devastating. It is out of my hands now...

[CATUF]

"she has completely just shut me off from her life."

. . . might it be that she's trying to keep you safe from her relapse?

[mookie377]

Regarding relationships in recovery.First is it one person recovering,or both.Second whats the length of clean time,you dont need a clinical psychologist for the answer to that question,just some common sense.My belief is it all evaluated on a case by case basis.Look at the divorce rate in general,its 50%,and that for non-addicted persons.What the probability that one ,or two struggling people can make a go of it.You do the math.Best of luck.

[j34]

My opinion on the subject is to give yourself the first year as a gift to YOU. Finding out who we are and what drives our character defects is a tumultuous time,
I tell my sponcees if we were so good at having relationships ,why did we come into the program broken?
As i didn't take the suggestion my first yr, I took a yr cake and ended up relapsing, I came back to the program and took the suggestions given to me and last week took a two yr cake, I am now in a relationship that is calm,happy and loving . What a gift,
I tried to control how my life was going and had gotten the direct results of it, anger, fear, resentment.
When I let go and decided to depend on ppl who were staying clean, instead of trying  to save another sick person , I started to get better(thank goodness it is a journey, not a destination) lol All the best to you in YOUR journey.
j34

[el_em_en_oh]

~Well said, Sara...

[dominosarah]

When we are actively using our drug is our first love, once we embrace our recovery we become our first love.

All you can do is hope she makes it back.  You have a responsibility to yourself.  Your sobriety is of the utmost importance.  Hold that clean time sacred and do whatever it takes to stay that way.

[el_em_en_oh]

"...it feels like she chose the drugs over me..."

I know it's difficult to NOT feel that way, but as an addict yourself, do you really think that it was a "choice" on her part?

Did you "choose" to do the drugs that you did? Did you "choose" to have drugs destroy your life? Did you "choose" to put yourself through what you've gone through?

Dude, if it was as easy as a "choice" of saying yes, or saying no, I guarantee that this board would be a lot emptier than it currently is.

Addiction is not a life any of us CHOOSE. It's just the way we're wired, and something we have no control over.

Try not to take it the way you are. Easier said than done, I know, but remember... we're addicts, and it's in our nature to go "home" (to our DOC).

And now you know why "they" tell you/advise against, getting involved with someone early in recovery. "They" are concerned with the fact that if one goes down, they'll take the other down with them.

Concern yourself with YOUR choice to stay sober, and keep it simple.

Serenity Prayer brother... Serenity Prayer.

~God... grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference~