Returning relasped member!!

[Austinupwards92]

Good evening everyone, I've been in addict off and on for 5 years now. I'm 24 years old and will be 25 in a few months and I struggly with vicidin. I used to take 35 a day a points then got clean only to lower my tolerance and for the last year I maintained a 10 a day habit even though I didn't feel the high anymore, guess my body got to adjusted to the pills and it was never the same for me. Though I still craved em so I stayed an addict. Never attended n/a or a/a was just a tattoo artist having fun. Which brought me to here I used this site once just to see others stories when I got clean for 9 months then relasped. But I have a kid coming and these pills don't do this for me anymore and I gotten to the point where I actually just hate em. So I flushed my 30 bottle and now I'm on day 3 of w/d which I've been through countless times and im not really having any serious w/d. Little irratable and sleep problem but nothing that serious. I doubt know if it's God hand seeing s change in me or just cause that last year I took the pills was to remain normal and not to get beyond high. Those pills literally did nothing for me that last 2 years I just took them out havit craziest thing. So I plan on moving into a friends to save cash and maybe try something new (Austin Texas is expensive). Anyways I haven't lost my appetite so im eating the same, but I feel irratable and I really having trouble sleeping but crazy how w/d use to kill me and this is what they do now. Anyways any feedback is nice friends!

[gnarly_1]

Hey Austin.....well I think your starting to think straighter by your posts....all of us have been there and we all struggled with the same in the begging....one thing I hovent seen mentioned....it the promise of both n/a and a/a....with time and working the progam you will loose the very desire to get high.....something I thought was impossible.....you have know idea how much are hearts go out to someone as young as you....I have kids older then you....I used for 35yrs....I never lost a thing...I gave it a way...  3 jobs that payed 100k + a brand new custom home in the forest and almost my life with 3 O/DS under my belt.....if we can reach out and help just 1 keep from doing what we did all the time I spend here will be worth it....your worth it austin  your lady is worth it and foremost your unborn child is worth it.....once you experence recovery...the lost of desire to use and can face life on lifes terms it is a beautiful thing...today I have a life second to none....I work a honest progam have a great sponcer...have worked and cuntue working the steps it keep me grounded.....if you like us you need to become a member of the  we dont pickup no mater what club....you have your whole life in frount of you   dont flush it a way like I did for 35yrs....life is more then a seares of disasters with a lot of narrow escapes  keep talking to us where all here for you>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>GNARLY<<<<<<<<<<<

[Austinupwards92]

Should have wrote down my last dose but I think tomorrow at 2pm will be a week. I've been reading your post over and over. Energy is low so im not even wanting to type this lol. Thank you all for the replies, really does help.

[jifmoc]

Dang, I thought you were a male, I got confused by your writing. Sorry! Anyway, please listen to the above posters. Both have significant clean time. They know from what they speak.

[dominosarah]

jifmoc, i did have a good laugh before you realized he was a guy!!!

[dominosarah]

As someone said years ago, "the drink bone is connected to the drug bone" or vice versa.  You are thinking about your addiction and that is good, now start just living in the day.  Dont put a time frame on anything.  Stick with your meetings  as you will find alot of friends who are a great support system.  You have a baby on the way and you deserve to experience all the joys they will bring, with a clear head.  Focus on the journey, not the destination~

[motye51]

Im glad were having this conversation....your young, so the idea of participating in what seems like normal behavior seems natural....i TOTALLY get it. However, for me, when i look back, i was never able to have A glass of wine? A beer?? I also would catch myself constantly doing some drug for awhile, realizing i was messing up, tell myself ok, got to put it down for awhile, but would put other things in its place? It wasnt until i found opiates, that i found something i needed to take every damn day. And towards the end, it didnt matter how many pills i took, i couldn't get off on them? But i HAD to have them b/c i would be sick if i didnt???? Im allergic to drugs and alcohol....i break out in handcuffs!!!

[Austinupwards92]

My girl is pregnant lol not me

[jifmoc]

P.S.- Yes, your decrease in using the last few months could be responsible for lighter withdrawls. You are lucky.

[jifmoc]

I have to say, some of your statements are REALLY in the right direction such as "my way got me here" and "I'm going to listen to people that have been there before." What a great great start. THAT'S how change happens, being humble and listening to others that came before us. That was the last thing I wanted to do when I first got clean, hell, I'm very intelligent and educated, no one could enlighten me w/ things I didn't already know. How wrong I was. Like you implied, what you have been doing wasn't working. Same w/ all of us.

I didn't realize you were pregnant. PLEASE go to your obgyn asap and tell him/her everything. You are not supposed to abruptly stop any drugs. They've heard it all before, so no need to be nervous. Just keep that humility and be 100% honest.

As for your "can we ever have a sip" question. I hear your anxiety and everyone felt the same way. Addicts can't do one sip or one pill. We've tried and tried and people in the program have relapsed over trying to do that since 1935. That's why there's that saying: "one is too many, 1000 isn't enough." Like the lady said, don't worry about it. Just get through ONE day clean. That's it. You don't have to worry about anything else. You are just starting. You will learn so much. So happy you are doing 90 in 90. I did it, too, and it gave me the foundation I needed.

[Austinupwards92]

Well I was stubborn last time about giving up weed and that&#39;s why I never went to NA.  It&#39;s been about 4 days since I&#39;ve had weed, and maybe the w/d im feeling might have a little to do with the weed but certain 90% is from the pills. I&#39;m going to listen to people who&#39;ve been there and go head and stop weed now as well. I&#39;m approaching 5 days clean off everything so mine as well. I wasn&#39;t trying to justify my weed was just to show I only smoke a 3-5 days a week at night when the day is done. Whenever I go weeks without weed im fine so I know I haven&#39;t developed to much of a tolerance. I got clean 9 months on my own after kicking a 35-45 a day habit of 10mg vicodin a I would take 7-9 4-5x daily. So I got clean for 9 months (really to only lower my tolerance). Though this time I want off first time in my life I can honestly say I&#39;m done with this **** and if it means giving up weed for awhile then screw it. It&#39;s for the greater good right? I hate knowing I can&#39;t ever do drugs again by this lady I met tonight at na (im doing the 90 meetings in 90 days) said &quot; don&#39;t think on those terms, just take it one day at a time&quot;. I found that comforting addiction runs in my family my brother was a herion addict in and it of prison cousins do a lot of dope and my dad and uncles are alcoholics so I grew up seeing this crap and I just now realized I didn&#39;t want that for my life and my fiancée and our unborn kid. So I feel like not only do I want this to end I have motive to do so. I&#39;m a tattoo artist here in Austin and we have a lot of hippies and every other artist I work with smokes weed so it&#39;s preety hard to &quot;change your ways and friends&quot; when it&#39;s all around you I don&#39;t want to cut everyone off I just want to learn to say no. I really do appreciate all the responses im kind of blind about addiction and what really needs to be done to overcome it. My way gr me here guess I need to try a new way which is NA. I have to ask does anyone ever have a toke of weed or sip of wine after being clean for so long lets say a couple years down the road?? I Don&#39;t drink cause of my dads driven abuse but I would like to know that once you complete the 12 step program and enough time goes by that I can enjoy a role here and there. Sorry about run on sentences and what not im at work typing like im mad at an ex. Have a great night everyone! Can&#39;t wait to be on day 5 tomorrow!! O sorry to keep running on does anyone else find it weird w/d wernt 1/10 of what they used to be? Does it have anything to do with I used to take 40 a day then clean a year and then maintain a 8-12 a day habit this last 8 months? Like I said I would never get high off them anymore I just did them to feel normal mentally. I&#39;m super curious about this, this is also the reason why I started considering herion but I got baptized and stopped taking everything in hopes of a new life. Il be 25 in April with a paid off house but no money to maintain it cause of these drugs shaking my head. Anyways anyone here from Austin Texas give me a shout love to have another person to talk too about this. Take care

[jifmoc]

Agree w/ Motye. If you aren't addicted to weed (or anything else) than it should be no problem giving it up for 90 days. Or even 30 days. I promise you, you are going to learn something huge. I know you don't like hearing this but smoking weed nightly, and especially trying to justify it, sounds like an issue. We addicts forget people w/o an attachment to drugs and alcohol can take it or leave it w/o any strain or white knuckling. They don't smoke nightly "to ease irritability." Sometimes, we're so used to our own behaviors, we forget that the non addicts of the world don't do what we do.  Give it some thought and see what happens.

[Austinupwards92]

Thanks for the responses, I feel like weed is my suboxone for opuate w/d without having to take more pills. I&#39;m not a pot head by any means but I smoke at night to ease to irrability and help with sleep. I guess what I&#39;m saying is im not addicted to weed it&#39;s been a few days sense I&#39;ve had it so I can manage it like drinking but those damn pills il get clean 8 or 9 months feel like I beat the addiction and once that thought comes in I start thinking life is great. A few pills for a weekend fun sounds deserving then that leads to you know what. I think I need to stay with the never again motto when it comes to opioids. The pills never gave me a high anymore and they got expensive I stRted over charging my tattoo patients just to afford my habit. It&#39;s gotten to the point where I was considering heroin so these last few months I did some real soul searching and think I found my place in life.

[motye51]

It sounds to me, by what I read above, that pills were maybe your DOC, however, the weed and drinking are still to take the edge off unnaturally?  You get what I'm saying?  I don't agree with it (who cares, right) but do you intend to only smoke weed until you're completely done with the opiate w/d?  Suboxone is not a forever drug either? It's a temporary fix to a permanent problem.  When you say irritable and can't sleep are you referring to right now, b/c of w/d?

[Austinupwards92]

Day 4 is on this rise and I attended my first ever n-a meeting last night. I know I can stay clean for months at a time I've went 9 months clean on my own so hopefully n/a is the ticket. I just hate there motto of "no mind alterning substances" cause I do smoke weed don't plan on giving that up I've had alot of injuries and weed is the only thing that really helps. But the pills were just for a high and the last couple years there was no high just a false sense of being and that thought kept me an addict. Anyways starting day 4 like I said w/d wernt as bad this time even though I expected the worse. Little irratable and that feeling of im bored what do I do. I know I'ma have to get active again to really start feeling better but it's day 4 and I'm still eating quasadilla and cereal with bacon and sausage lol. I might get a upset stomach later usually in noting to where I need to go but. Ofcourse the sleep isn't the greatest but I nap an hour and then another hour then il usuaaly crash 5-6 more hours at night. Lack of motivation do feel sorry formyself so im laying around playing with the dog and smoking c-his sense I haven't had any weed since I got clean so if I can remember right staying busy and trying go find new hobbies and new friends is a must. I have great women I've loved along time and were pregnant so im just ready to kill this habit and get back to enjoying the little things. And having money lol

[motye51]

I attend N/A as well.....have since I got clean January 2014.  
Just wanted to add my 2 sense, because I was also a little thrown off at first with N/A stating "removal of ALL mind altering substances" and I was like, but what about drinking?  I thought, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drug addict....lol.
What I have come to learn is that for some reason, I couldn't do life without changing my perspective with drugs? I couldn't seem to enjoy anything without drugs? We have the disease of addiction....it's in our brains.  My sponsor asked me once, why can't you handle life on life's terms?  Something bad happens, use....something good happens, use.....nothing happens, use...just wasn't comfortable in myself without drugs?  It took working the steps to figure out why.
My suggestion would be to give N/A a chance....perhaps no weed for the first 90 days?  Try staying completely clean for 90 days and then see how you feel?  I would also suggest doing the 90 meetings in 90 days.  It helps our understanding better of how it works if we jump in with both feet!
Good luck to you....

[jifmoc]

Hi and welcome back. Day 3 is the worst, so of course you're irritable. It's going to take time for your brain (and body) to level out and become sane. The thing is once we remove the drugs, we are just addicts w/o drugs. I'm sure you've noticed that the people on here you STAY clean, are the ones who are in aftercare. Mostly, AA or NA. I tried for years to get clean on my own, and like you, I always went back. No matter what promises I made to myself, I always broke them. Always. Getting into a program changed everything. It's rough at first, but then becomes much easier. I can't recommend it enough.

Keep posting!!!