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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

SSDD I am like every other broken record in here. I didnt know there were so many of us!?...

So here we go. Just like all of you have done I have just quit reading post on here. I have sit and done it for 2 days! Mostly because you guessed it, I have been out for 2 days. Here I am again 2 weeks before my dr visit and I am out. This *****. My life is a rollercoaster that the devil is pulling the levers on. Just when I have decided I want/need to quit I go right back up again and I have two bottles full of reality supprressor's I have real life aches and I do sometimes need the meds but most of the time I take them because it makes my life better even if only for a little while. I was devorced 3 years ago and left to raise my 2 lil girls. Thank God I found someone to accept a package deal when she herself was a package deal to. Anyway so here I sit on the couch and for the first time in 3 years I have no pills... hard to belive huh? me to. I was a spoiled lil brat only child and I didnt come from a well off family but I never wanted for n e thing. The word "NO" was not in my vocabulary. But now that all my money is gone and all my bills are stacked up and all my utilities are about to be shut off and all my things of any value are in pawn I am left with no choice but to sit here and take it. I havent been with out a percocet in 3 years. I know that there are probably people out there that are worse off than me and have had to go through worse and I feel for ya. I am 32 years old 6'3 and 265lbs I was not a bad looking guy once upon a time I would like to think its still the same, but I can tell I have let myself go. I lost my job after 5 years when I devorced and I thought it would be great to finally get to spend some time at home with my kids that I have never got to do. Big mistake. My back went out.... so I go to the dr and found out there is all kinds of jacked up stuff wrong with it. I wont list it cause it wld take all day but n e way I got pain killers. at first I didnt abuse them then I noticed that they made me feel great! I used to take a half of a tab 5 and be sick from it now I take 3 perk 10's as soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning then get up get a my dew and snort 2 more. and you can fill in the blanks about the rest of the day. But its up to about 15 a day. I dont have to work so I got nothing to do all day but sit here. Sometimes by myself. I am wonderful person to be around when I am on them and I have found that the amount that it takes to make me hight now is not only dangerous and expensive but dosent even really make me high. just like a lil sick I guess is how you would put it. But nothing like it would be if I am without them. I have a network of people who do the same thing and we all know when each others dr dates are every month...thats sad. I have kids and a hospital is not an option for me. You know I have also found out that sometimes even when you cry out for help you wont get it because your friends and family your loved ones are the very one feeding your habit and they want that money! When I have got pills I dont want to quit I say that I can controll it myself cause if I tell my dr then you can bet your butt you wont get nothing ever again. But it never works out that way I always have been low for a few days when I get them so I tell myself I am just gonna go crazy on them that day and then I just stay high till they are gone. Then when I start getting low I start freaking out which in turn makes me take even more. So I am burning up the fone trying to locate. You all know what I am talking about we have all been there. I have done everything but prostitute and trust me if I was goodlooking I might try it...lol I dont know man I dont know if I even really wonna quit I just reallllly realllly wont a handfull of pills right now and am freaking out. any of yall packing? lmao just kidding. I am beside myselff I know you are not supposed to wish your life away but I wish I had a remote like adam sandler in that movie "click" so that I could just fast forward to my next pill or mabey not I dont know mabey I should just quit since I have never went 36 hours without n e thing. It has consumed my life and my walet my time my body and prob soon to be my relationships witheveryone I know. I called my mother in a moment of weakness a year ago and told her that I had been high for 2 years and she said "I Know" It broke my heart my mother told me how she knew and how worried she has been. That depressed me more so I went and snorted it away. I also have kids that would make the pope cuss! I am not kidding dont laugh it aint funny, you come watch there lil mean azzes for a coupla hours and you will need drugs to. N e way I guess I am done venting for now. Hope to see lots of responses lord knows I need it. I go by and nicknamed gilleygoatgruff cause I am so grumpy n hatefull all the time. Trust me if you had my life you would be to. Keep me in your prayers as I will all of you in mine.ttyl
34 Responses
822153 tn?1333066595
Hi there and congrats on finally posting. Welcome to the forum. You've been without now for 2 days. Try to make it to 3! You CAN do this. You say you feel as if you may not want to quit. In reading what you've posted,there is nothing positive coming from this addiction. We've all been where you are...please stay strong and find the will to stay the sourse. Yes,it ***** and yes it's hard. But I promise you that being straight is so much more worth it rather than using. As for your medical issues..there are non-narcotic alternatives to pain relief. And for the withdrawls,there are things you can use to alleviate them (Immodium,natural supplements,etc.).You can do this. Stay strong..here to help~A
271792 tn?1334983257
Hi & Welcome,

Are you wanting to stop this time or waiting for your refill? I don't say that to be mean in any way. A lot of members come here and ask how to get through the withdrawal while they wait. I hope for you that this is it, either way we are here to support you and if you are waiting, maybe we can change your mind. Getting away from the shackles of the pills will be the best decision you ever make!

So if you are done, it would be best to first cancel any refills and speak with your doctor. Get honest and let him/her know your intentions. That not only burns a bridge but they may be able to prescribe something that will help ease the physical process.

We can recommend some remedies and supplements. Tell us what your symptoms are and members will make suggestions. Stick around, there is great support here and know that you are not alone. We all know what you are going through and will help you anyway we can.

Hang in there.
Avatar universal
Hi and welcome....oh yes I have been where u r...not any fun...but it can be done....awesome that ur taking a look at your life...but its up to u whether u want to quit or not...only u...but there is great support here...and hey why not just try it for a while I mean u tried it that way for three years so just look at as ur gonna try...I mean what's the worse can happen?... U can have more money....just a thought...good luck and best wishes friend..
1926359 tn?1331591739
I agree...The roller coaster is scary and it always crashes at the end...You owe it to your family and most of all YOURSELF to take your life back.  It's not going to happen overnight...But you've taken a brave first step by posting here and you are NOT alone.  I am 27 days post-opiates and I never knew I could be this happy again.  The pills do all kinds of messed up stuff to our bodies and brains as does the addiction that feeds them.  You're at home, you can detox there.  It's hell for sure-but it's the only real way out and the other side is so much better...I promise.  If you've gone 36 hours you only have a few more days to go through the worst.  Your life is worth it.  You are worth it.  After detox (and we can give you all kinds of advice and support how to get through it) then you can think about aftercare...NA/AA, counselling...Any thing you can do to take your life back.  You don't want pills to run your life...It's no life at all.  Please hang in there and keep posting.....Here for support.....Lu
Avatar universal
Hi and Welcome! I too have been in your shoes not so long ago. I hope that you decide to jump of that sinking ship since you are 2 days already. As you know if you continue to use the perks you will only keep taking more and more to get that "high" feeling and Im here to tell you that you will never ever ever get that back. At some point the pills turn on you and when you take them you start feeling worse,,which I think thats where you are now.Its very important that you look into what keeps you on the pills,,like depression maybe? The pills are a depressant,,they screw up all the chemicals in the brain. Your brain stops making these chemicals (nor epinephrine,,dopamine and serotonin) that are required to control your moods. I agree,,you need to be honest with your doctor and maybe he can help with the withdrawal and prescribe some clonidine/or an anti-depressant. Some members opt out of the antidepressant but it honestly saved me. I was at that point where I didnt care if I lived. Its a dark dark place to be. There is light at the end of the tunnel,,the first week coming off the pills that light is not visible at times. Keep in mind that the pills give you a false sense of security. You dont need them. You can do it. Aftercare and NA also helped me tremendously. If you truly want your life back,,you have to jump off that ship and start swimming to safer waters to get on that life boat/life saver. I promise you it will all be worth it in the end. Be patient. One day at a time,,sometimes one minute at a time. In the beginning coming off the pills and the withdrawal is the only thing you can think about. Prepare yourself in advance,,anticipate what you will need,,supplements,,imodium. To ease the mental cravings and anxiety fins something to keep your mind off the pill,,,the cravings and mental anquish is a mind f*ck believe me,,but it will pass in time. I wish you all the best~Bkitty
Avatar universal
Thank You all for the support. I am so tore up emotionally right now than even b4 I read your response's I was sheding a tear for no reason now I am just crying. I dont know if I can take it. I live in a small town with a pop of about 3500. I am going crazy i really feel like I am!!!! I dont know what to do I have responsibilities (my kids) I have drunk 2 beers and one minute I want to f ing scream and the next I wonna cry!!!! I know that a few perks wld fix this problem and I hope that I am over it b 4 I have access to them in 4 days!! I need help. I dont wonna have to detox in some jail cell I wld rather do it at home on my own terms cause where I live they will let u lay n die b 4 they belive n e thing u tell them is wrong with u and if it is drug wd they dont even care there are 3 deaths this year from the junkies like me detoxing in our lil county jail. I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!  I just wonna take a bunch of sleeping meds and f ing konk out so I dont have to feel this way. Thank You all for the respons's and support. Can anyone tell me what to do about my emotions? I am afraid I am gonna bite someones head off for no reason at all? Thank you all God bless
Avatar universal
That's bc the drugs keep u numb and they r wearing off so ur emotions are gonna be all out of whack...I was crying over commercials...mad at a fly that was buzzing to the point I thought I would love to shoot it...I mean really shoot a fly??...then I would be so happy that I was making it through the wds and not dying...then cry..then cuss..then laugh...just be patient with urself and know it gets better...ur emotions will level off...but just cry if u feel like...it cleanses the soul...and laugh its a good medicine...and get mad at the pills...keep posting u will surprised how much it helps...
1926359 tn?1331591739
Take a deep breath...Focus on one small moment at a time.  You need to cut off all of your contact/supply with any drugs if you want to get clean and stay that way.  Also-drinking alcohol is just about the worst thing you can do when detoxing..It will only make it worst-it's a depressant/mood alterer and it will dehydrate you more which is the last thing you want.  The emotions are coming because the pills numb us out and prevent us from being present.  Your  body and brain are giving you a reality check and you need to listen.  Stuffing pills in to calm emotional/physical pain only gives the illusion of taking the pain....You're going to have to deal with this eventually or yes-you will end up in a jail cell or worst you will die.  Do you have any support...family that can help out while you go through this?  NA/AA is going to be very important to you....Detox ***** but you will not die from it.  The alternative is not a good one as many will tell you.  Please don't self medicate with other addictive substances...And please hang in there.  Know that you are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel....Lu
Avatar universal
Ive been exactly where you are. We all have. You have a lot of thinking to.do. I was on oxy 100 mg a day. I relvolved my world around them. Then my world revolved around them. Counting pills to the next refill....scorring to keep.from being sick....feeling awesome on pick up days. Oxycodone perks whatever you want tk call them.are evil. They change our brains they change us. I know exactly how you feel. You want off until the next score. Yep been there. Nows the time to get down to what you want to do. This is a new year a new start. You got to dig way deep. And just jump. Jump in with both feet. Your already at day three. Whoo hoo. Day three. Take it one day at a time. But ask yourself what do you want to do.
Avatar universal
Well I went and done it.....again. Some friends came over and I took 3 xanax and 3 loracet 10 and snorted 2. But something happend this time that never has happened to me before.... I felt guilty. Like I said before I have really never had to completly detox. And I made it to day 3. now I just feel like I cheated myself my body and my family. I feel rotten. I mean I feel good if you know what I mean but I feel rotten to.....Im lost I think the best thing for me to do is to just give what I have left to my woman and have her detox me slowly unlike I was forced to 3 days ago cold turkey. I am crying again and another emotional wreck and I thought I would feel great. Its just not the same when you have decided that it is not for you. I hate feeling guilty and now I gotta start all over. please dont loose faith in me and keep me in your prayers......gilleygoatgruff.
1801781 tn?1461633069
Hon, you have to be ready.  You will know when that time is.  I just hope you don't lose everything before that happens.  Keep coming back and I hope you decide to quit for real.  The people here will be there for you when you are.  Perhaps you could attend a few NA meetings in the meantime.  You don't have to be clean to go..you just have to want to try.  Your kids deserve a clean father and you deserve to be clean for yourself.
Avatar universal
Hey bubby,

I am on day 3 myself, and I will not be starting over!  Please join me, you are only about  72 hours behind me now. Let's do this together.  I'm seriuos, let's do this together.

I'm 44 yrs old and fed up with living by the bottle.  I hate going to the dr. Office and I hate going to the drugstore for the pills. I hate that I go places and see people smiling and having a good time and knowing they aren't high and they look happier than I do. I hate that my 2 kids have a dad that is an     addict and they don't even know. I hate that I don't even go to see my best  friend anymore, he lives 2 houses away. He doesn't even call anymore  because he has figured out I won't be leaving my house.                                      

I have been on the narco's for at least 10 years, I only want my pills. I have done them all, percs, oxy, Vicodin, vicoprofin, Demerol and tramadol. I had a stash of tramadol, over 1000 of them just to be sure if I ran out of my percs I wouldnt go into withdrawal. I never ran out of my percs and hydros so I was taking the tramadol with them. Yes, I felt fine for years, I'm now tired of feeling fine, I want to feel, and whatever the feeling may be, happy or sad, I want to feel it for what it is, not masked over with pain pills.

We get 1 life here on earth and I have wasted a great percentage of mine under the illusion that pain pills were making me see things better. I do not want to picture myself a addict one more day, I'm not going to either, I'm done!  I planned out Jan. 2 as the first day in my new life. I let all scripts run out and I threw over 600 tramadol away last week.

I feel like crap and I haven't slept. My arms were so jittery I could have knocked out a prize fighter 2 nights ago, last night I could have kicked a record setting field goal with the juice in my legs. I have had all the ugly withdrawal symptoms and I'm loving it!!!! I'm on the way back to being myself, and that's the person my my wife fell in love with and it's the guy all my family and friends like and deserve.
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495284 tn?1333897642
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