I can identify with a bottom when I was drinking. It was messy, I had blackouts, and lots of shame, guilt and remorse. I currently attend AA, and have sober time, but not clean time.
When I use Percocets, (non prescribed) I feel "normal". My emotional pain subsides, and I can function throughout the day without self pity, or any negative emotions, they just seem to disappear!!! No one smells it, and I "appear" to be a more energetic, loving and positive person. Having said this, I find it difficult to not want to feel this "good". There is a war within, because addiction is addiction, and I DON'T want to continue.
My question is, how do you cope with life on life's terms without the use of mind altering substances, and just face stuff clean.