why can't I stop

[FedUp12years]

I have been using cocaine for the last 12 years, first 5 years I got really deep in toIt so much so that I was hanging around this perrson who was horrible for me he threatened not only my life but my daughters as well but I stayed as that was my source to get my fix.  I was doing about two and a half balls a Day. I put my self in situations would not wish on my worst enemy it was finally after 5 years I came to my breaking pointt and wanted out. I lived in an apartment with my daughter however this person was there all the time so when I decided I had enough and told him to leave me a lone needless to say it did not go over well. That day when I got home there was my suposid friend watching my daughter, she was not to open the door to him I had eeven changed the locks however when I got home from working at the bar to my surprise there he was holding my two year old daughter with a knife to her and telling me if I didn't stay with him he was going to kill her then me I grab the phone and struggled to get my daughter away and managed too and went runniiung down the haliway yelling for someone to Help me while carrying my daughtter and calling 911 finally the police came and I was at my lowest point and moved in with. My dad. I was finally free I THOUGHT. I enrolled in college got mydegree and am working at alawyers office however, about three years ago an old friend from the bar moved a couple of house down from me. The second day we hung out we were right back to partiing the way we had before. It was every weekend at first then we added tuesday nights then thursday nights aswell. I was falling right back in so I made the decission not to speak to her anymore which is really hard as she lives literally 2 mins from my house.  Ium doing better now however am so fed upas I still do it everyweekend on my own and for the past two weeks I have added thursday nights again. I realy don't want to do thhis any more I spend about 900 dollars in these three day weekends I want to stop using even as I'm am driving to pick up I talk to my self and Say why r u doing this u know its not agood choice, ytou know you don't want it and even as igetv up to the door I say tthe same0 thing yet. Week after week I do the same thing. The next day cry and tell my self that's it I'm done but then I do it again I Feel like I'm going CRAZY please anyone with any sugestions I would really appreciate it. The DEFINITION of INSANITY is doing the same course of actions over and over andexppecting a different result. AM I INSANE?

[n8tiv_ndn]

Hey FedUp........Sounds like your life has become a circle of bad choices....but i don't think you're insane......you have recognized the problem and are reaching out for help the very best way you know how. That means you ARE doing something different to address your problem...so let's ruke out insanity. You seem to be ready to quit and have tried to make changes in your life in an effort to fix this problem..right??? Well then now all you need to do is change your thought patterns and stop acting on those feelings to use. Sounds too simple?? Trust me it most definitely is NOT easy....but you have to be strong enough to remove yourself from the situations that cause you to use....will you have to lose some friends??? Probably. I have known many people in my life that I thought were friends...we had a good time together however a TRUE FRIEND always has YOUR best interest at heart not there own.
."Goodtime" party buddies...right??? Stick around here and you will find many sincere knowledgeable and compassionate people who will truly be-friend you and try to help I PROMISE........I'll keep you in my prayers and wish you nothing but freedom and happiness .........and peace.....

n8tiv_ndn

[tomskat]

Hi there and welcome. That was my drug of choice as well. You CAN change this course you are on. It sounds like you have made positive steps in the right direction-work,school,etc. You know you need to change friends-always hard. Have you considered attending any CA (cocaine anonmyous) or even NA meetings? Those really helped me in the beginning. What helped me in the beginning was the money aspect of it. Who couldn't use an extra $900 a week in their pocket? So I started putting that coke money into the bank instead of up my nose and promised myself that I would not touch it unless I had an emergency (NOT a coke emergency either!!) It actually worked. Attending meetings and being on this site whenever I wanted to use are what really saved me. Whenever I wanted to use,which was every day also,I would get on here and post,or talk to friends here.It really saved me. So,stay here and post,make friends. There is a huge amount of support here. Anytime you need to talk,just send me a message 'cause I definately relate!! Stay strong!!! You deserve better!!!