Aa
Scared
Hi friends, I am petrified to ask for help. I am stuck deep in the hells of opiate addiction. I presently take tramadol for back and hip arthritis. It's been a battle for 15 on & off years. I know the torture of wd. I am still gainfully employed and have a great little family. They have no idea I'm so addicted. Last night, after taking a little bit of everything throughout the day, I was left feeling totally empty and worthless. I want this to stop. And yes, my prescription is about to run out. I never tapered and I'll be a week without. What kind of woman does this to herself and her family? I can't go to rehab bc I can't afford to be out of work. A day here and there is fine but nothing more than that. I want to stop this time as I said so many other times before. Any advice to stave the withdrawl that is sensible? By the way, I am not honest with my husband. I do get my hands on other things such as oxy and Percocet through a friend. I know I need to remove her from my life but it wasn't her fault I took it to this level. Addiction is a deep problem in my family blood line. I have no connections to my mother and brother because she enabled his heroin addiction. I was always the "good one" when it came to decision making but after having children of my own, I cut them off and wanted to shield them from that lifestyle. Look what happened. Ugh! I am the same thing I said I'd never be. I can't go on anymore like this. Any advise would be helpful. I have never reached out before because I wanted to keep this dirty little secret, mine. It's time to think differently. Please help me.
Gentle was a hard one for me to figure out too. It started by me starting to treat myself the way I treated others. I realized I had one set of 'easy' rules for other people, and another super hard set for myself. So I lowered my expectations. A lot. I realized that my self worth wasn't dependent on what I DID but who I WAS.
It was a process. I had to completely rewire my whole brain.
This is where aftercare comes in.
Katie, you have all the good intentions in the world, and I FEEL you....But you need to get your butt to a meeting of some variety. You need to be in a room full of addicts and speak your truth.
You will see yourself in others, and they will see themselves in you, and there will be a communion.
Trust me okay?
Get rid of all pills. 2 percs will set you back, make you more miserable. You must get all the drugs out of your system before you can gain clarity and begin to heal your body and your brain.
You can do it. The rehab in Florida would of course be ideal, but you CAN do it without it. It's just more work because you have to learn how to deal with your life in early sobriety while still IN YOUR LIFE.
Whatever you decide, I am here to support you.
xoxoxox
Lu
It was a process. I had to completely rewire my whole brain.
This is where aftercare comes in.
Katie, you have all the good intentions in the world, and I FEEL you....But you need to get your butt to a meeting of some variety. You need to be in a room full of addicts and speak your truth.
You will see yourself in others, and they will see themselves in you, and there will be a communion.
Trust me okay?
Get rid of all pills. 2 percs will set you back, make you more miserable. You must get all the drugs out of your system before you can gain clarity and begin to heal your body and your brain.
You can do it. The rehab in Florida would of course be ideal, but you CAN do it without it. It's just more work because you have to learn how to deal with your life in early sobriety while still IN YOUR LIFE.
Whatever you decide, I am here to support you.
xoxoxox
Lu
Gentle. That's a word I need to look up. So here's my day. Completely out of sorts. Zero energy but I'm showered and have clean clothes on my back. I took a drive to a nearby beach town where I walked the Main Street alone and shopped for a few things for my kids. It felt weird trying to pick out the right kind of clothes for both of them. I had no desire to shop. There is a chill in the air and the darkened sky happened quickly. I'm not sure if I like daylight savings time this year. Anyway, I made it about 2.5 hours then home. I then forced myself to ask my daughter if she wants to bake something with me. She agreed and made her favorite sweet bread. We are all on the sofa with our electronic gadgets now. That's all I have done today. I managed to eat a little too. I know I told you all that I took 2 Percs today at 7am. That's it. I didn't go on a search and I could have. That's probably why I'm not super sick. I took Motrin for my back pain though. It seems to be particularly stinging at the moment. I plan to use a heating pad tonight if I get any sleep. I almost told my daughter today but couldn't do it. She thinks I am depressed. I am but not for the reasons she thinks. I'm not ready to share I guess. She is very judgemental and I know she already suspects I'm on something. She says I slur. I am so embarrassed. I pray again that I do not have a rough night. Tomorrow, my plans are to go to church. Let's see if I can do that. I must force myself to go out or I will lay in bed and dwell on the issue.
You all have been such a blessing this past week. Please know that I am so proud of all the clean time you're accomplishing. I can't say that at all yet but plan to soon. I am trying not it think that tomorrow is going to be rough but I have to be a realist. No drugs at all. All me and the strength of The Lord. And on Monday, I'm hoping for a clearer day, I will call some therapists. I looked at a rehab in Florida today that takes my insurance. It was online and looked like paradise. I can't do it. Just can't. I can try to make myself healthy here and deal with the consequences. It's pure hell. Please please please, don't anyone ever think you've got this. You don't and never will. It's a robber, a thief in the night, the devil..... I am angry and sad and full of negative emotions. Again, I am asking for prayer and the ability to understand the word GENTLE. Easy does it. xoxoxo
You all have been such a blessing this past week. Please know that I am so proud of all the clean time you're accomplishing. I can't say that at all yet but plan to soon. I am trying not it think that tomorrow is going to be rough but I have to be a realist. No drugs at all. All me and the strength of The Lord. And on Monday, I'm hoping for a clearer day, I will call some therapists. I looked at a rehab in Florida today that takes my insurance. It was online and looked like paradise. I can't do it. Just can't. I can try to make myself healthy here and deal with the consequences. It's pure hell. Please please please, don't anyone ever think you've got this. You don't and never will. It's a robber, a thief in the night, the devil..... I am angry and sad and full of negative emotions. Again, I am asking for prayer and the ability to understand the word GENTLE. Easy does it. xoxoxo
Katie I am NOT going to give up on you. I know the tummy pain and nausea is the worst. Try sipping peppermint tea with honey. Saltine crackers help too. I take GRAVOL regularly for nausea related to my illness. YOU CAN DO THIS!
You gotta stop saying nasty things about yourself though.
Seriously. You need and deserve love and compassion. You aren't going to get anywhere by beating yourself up. The key to recovery is to be GENTLE with yourself.
I gotta run out, but I'm going to check in with you later.
Stay strong chickie-
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
xo
Lu
You gotta stop saying nasty things about yourself though.
Seriously. You need and deserve love and compassion. You aren't going to get anywhere by beating yourself up. The key to recovery is to be GENTLE with yourself.
I gotta run out, but I'm going to check in with you later.
Stay strong chickie-
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
xo
Lu
Hang in there. Your genuineness and honesty now is really coming thru. I would seek a therapist who has experience with chemical dependency first. No one needs to know who you're seeing or why. There's a difference between privacy and secret-keeping. You're entitled to your privacy, just as everyone is. The therapist will help you get some accurate info, plant seeds for later plans, and help you improve your self-esteem and confidence. Being an addict may be a part of who you are right now, but it shouldn't define you. You are many other good things too. Feeling better about yourself will help this process. Validation, acceptance and applause from others has made a difference to you already : )) You're awesome, just dealing with a hiccup or stumble on the road of life. It is a huge deal while you're going thru it, but you have to start to envision yourself in good ways so you'll know where you're headed. Embrace this new you with all the good standard equipment there was in the old you, minus the behavior that got you into a bit of a mess now. You can't always change your feelings, and that's okay. A therapist can help you put together a toolbox of skills and things you can do to help you tolerate the uncomfortable feelings. What you can change is your behavior. Get honest. Get help. Get a plan and support. You can maintain your privacy. If you wanted to go to an NA/AA mtg and feel more comfortable you won't be exposed, drive to the next town over and go there. Just keep doiung the next right thing and you'll begin to feel better about yourself and focus on who you are and things you want to add. Get help from folks who know what you're talking about and you'll feel so much less alone. Looks like you've made some connections here : ) Keep them up, they'll be helpful on the way. Lots of folks here who understand all the subtleties that go with addiction. You have obviously been accepted, embraced and people really care and want to help. Sending all my best hugs.... Try looking up an app on your phone that can tell you the times and locations of all the meetings. The women's meetings are particularly wonderful. Full of love and strength. Remember....Do the next right thing. <3 Katya
No I don't want to die and yes I love my kids but I am not giving them the mom they deserve. I have had breakdowns before about my mother and ironically today is her birthday. I won't call or text because I can't do it. She's hurt me so much. I had to pay room and board too when I worked and lived there. She pretty much packed my bags for me at 18, well 19 when I had a full time stable job. So many regrets have given this sick mind the green light to numb my pain with pills. Coming clean, well my husband is a fool. He thinks it's nothing. I told him it's huGE and he still thinks I'm being a baby. I'm feeling worse and worse. I popped 2 perc 10's this morning that I got yesterday from a friend. She will probably cut me off now that I used what she gave me to not be sick. She told me to make them last and to break em in half. I can't do that. I am an addict who has to take it all or nothing. I had such a bad belly ache this morning that I couldn't get to those pills quick enough. My downward spiral is crashing. Some may read this and say she don't have a problem, she's just crazy. Well I am that too but I'm also a total addict. Impulse control when it comes to drugs is crazy. Your advice is dead on. If only I could find a way to make it happen. God bless you and please don't give up on me. I need this forum to vent. It's the only place I'm being really honest. xoxo
Honey, honey, honey. I have very similar childhood issues to yours. My mother abused me horribly and my father let her. She beat me within an inch of my life on a regular basis. My earliest memories of childhood are of my mother telling me she hoped I died in my sleep, and that she hated me.
At age 16 she made me pay room and board (I was a slave anyways). At 18, she kicked me out and told me never to come back.
You don't get over stuff like that, but you CAN learn to manage it with a lot of therapy, which I did for over 20 years. Also, 2 day programs at a hospital that were tailored for women with childhood abuse issues.
This is the root, in my non-professional opinion..or at least, the beginning of the root of your emotional pain. It is never too late to address it and rebuild yourself.
You need to talk to a GOOD addiction counselor and make a plan that will work for you and your family. And I still think you should tell your kids...13 isn't too young to understand the perils of drug addiction. This is a family disease...you can all start that path of healing together, but the first step is yours. This is affecting everyone around you, only its hard to see when you are in the middle of it.
People have come through worse, I promise you. I know you are scared, but I also know you love your children. You can do this, sweetie. Make an appointment with someone. If you dont' like them, just move on. Try another, and another, until you find a specialist who "gets you" and will help you and your family navigate your way through the year ahead.
In the end, what choice do you have, really? You can't keep this up, its killing you...and you don't want to die. (Do you?)
Hope to hear from you darlin'
-R.
At age 16 she made me pay room and board (I was a slave anyways). At 18, she kicked me out and told me never to come back.
You don't get over stuff like that, but you CAN learn to manage it with a lot of therapy, which I did for over 20 years. Also, 2 day programs at a hospital that were tailored for women with childhood abuse issues.
This is the root, in my non-professional opinion..or at least, the beginning of the root of your emotional pain. It is never too late to address it and rebuild yourself.
You need to talk to a GOOD addiction counselor and make a plan that will work for you and your family. And I still think you should tell your kids...13 isn't too young to understand the perils of drug addiction. This is a family disease...you can all start that path of healing together, but the first step is yours. This is affecting everyone around you, only its hard to see when you are in the middle of it.
People have come through worse, I promise you. I know you are scared, but I also know you love your children. You can do this, sweetie. Make an appointment with someone. If you dont' like them, just move on. Try another, and another, until you find a specialist who "gets you" and will help you and your family navigate your way through the year ahead.
In the end, what choice do you have, really? You can't keep this up, its killing you...and you don't want to die. (Do you?)
Hope to hear from you darlin'
-R.
Lu-
It's morning here on the east coast and I had an awful night. I woke several times nauseous but couldn't get sick. Fell back to sleep only to wake up to severe stomach cramps. My husband thinks it's nothing but it's real. Ugh! I'm hearing everything you are saying and am so proud of your strength. It's giving me hope. I will and have taken an oxy here and there but not my choice. Just to get me past the sickness when I run short. Does it really matter what I'm taking? It's all the same. A big lie. I wish I could go away and get this over with but we are barely making ends meet with 2 small salaries. Losing mine would cripple us and put us in the street. We have no parents or family that would help us through. As a matter of fact, my father who is 72 lives on the first floor of my home. He is on a fixed income of less than 500 a month so let's just say we take care of him. We have really good health insurance though. I am looked up to at my job because I've earned the trust of my boss and co-workers. The younger ones even say that I am a role model to them. Oh, this is ridiculous ......I am no role model, I'm. Fraud. Here I go again, hating myself. Lu- please don't give up on me. I am trying to soak in what you are telling me. Some are slower than others and I am so afraid. I can't move forward without direction and I can't move backward because the consequences are fatal. I am trying, today I will get fresh air and hope the cramping stops. Meeting scare the Ba-Jesus out of me. Again I don't want to be pegged as the junkie. What if someone I know sees me in the rooms? I'm sure I'm not the only one who worries like this. God bless u for reading my posts. Maybe someday my ranting will make sense. Xoxoxox
It's morning here on the east coast and I had an awful night. I woke several times nauseous but couldn't get sick. Fell back to sleep only to wake up to severe stomach cramps. My husband thinks it's nothing but it's real. Ugh! I'm hearing everything you are saying and am so proud of your strength. It's giving me hope. I will and have taken an oxy here and there but not my choice. Just to get me past the sickness when I run short. Does it really matter what I'm taking? It's all the same. A big lie. I wish I could go away and get this over with but we are barely making ends meet with 2 small salaries. Losing mine would cripple us and put us in the street. We have no parents or family that would help us through. As a matter of fact, my father who is 72 lives on the first floor of my home. He is on a fixed income of less than 500 a month so let's just say we take care of him. We have really good health insurance though. I am looked up to at my job because I've earned the trust of my boss and co-workers. The younger ones even say that I am a role model to them. Oh, this is ridiculous ......I am no role model, I'm. Fraud. Here I go again, hating myself. Lu- please don't give up on me. I am trying to soak in what you are telling me. Some are slower than others and I am so afraid. I can't move forward without direction and I can't move backward because the consequences are fatal. I am trying, today I will get fresh air and hope the cramping stops. Meeting scare the Ba-Jesus out of me. Again I don't want to be pegged as the junkie. What if someone I know sees me in the rooms? I'm sure I'm not the only one who worries like this. God bless u for reading my posts. Maybe someday my ranting will make sense. Xoxoxox
What was your choice drug? How did u get so strong? Did u go to rehab? Can I do this at home and still work? These are my biggest fears. A feeling of happiness or maybe a lesser feeling of depression is what tramadol gave me. Replacing this with an antidepressant might help. I have had depression issues since childhood but I never gave the antidepressants a good chance. Lexapro is what my family doctor once prescribed. I felt it did nothing but again, I did not give it a solid chance for success. If I go to the doc, I believe they will suggest that again. I want to be happy and confident and clear.
My suggestion is to do exactly what you did: pray and let God carry you through this. I've heard some success stories with withdrawal ease. I personally used the Thomas recipe. It really helped me with the depression.
We are all here with you Katie. The thing is, you gotta cut ALL your sources. Your doctor and your friends. You just have to go through this to get to the other side. Taking one or two or ten pills right now is only going to set you back and increase your level of shame and self loathing.
You are not a bad person, you are sick with the disease called addiction.
Please don't go backwards. I know it feels like it requires more strength than you currently have, but trust me, you've got that strength.
If you walk through the fires of detox and make it through the other side onto a path of recovery, you will be AMAZED at how strong you feel. Maybe not right away, but the longer you go without putting a substance in your body, the better you feel.
You must be patient.
If you are clinically depressed then the Tramadol is masking that. Please be honest with your doctor. They can prescribe medications that are non-narcotic to help you.
There is no way you are going to lose everything by stopping using. You are however, at risk of losing everything if you KEEP using. Addiction is a progressive disease, you cannot cure it, but you can arrest it in recovery.
You are going to have to have some faith here. I can absolutely promise you with 100% certainty that if you go through this process and get yourself into aftercare, that you will feel better than you ever have in your life.
You will feel true joy, and true confidence.
No one does this alone. Addiction is a WE thing and not an I thing. This is why support groups are so important. NA/AA, SMART recovery, Celebrate recovery, are some of the free programs for addicts. Google meetings in your area and go to as many as possible.
You have just admitted that you are powerless over the drugs. Good, that is the first step. Now you have to do whatever it takes to get well. This means not using. Getting help. Being kind and gentle with yourself.
You can do this!!!
Lu
You are not a bad person, you are sick with the disease called addiction.
Please don't go backwards. I know it feels like it requires more strength than you currently have, but trust me, you've got that strength.
If you walk through the fires of detox and make it through the other side onto a path of recovery, you will be AMAZED at how strong you feel. Maybe not right away, but the longer you go without putting a substance in your body, the better you feel.
You must be patient.
If you are clinically depressed then the Tramadol is masking that. Please be honest with your doctor. They can prescribe medications that are non-narcotic to help you.
There is no way you are going to lose everything by stopping using. You are however, at risk of losing everything if you KEEP using. Addiction is a progressive disease, you cannot cure it, but you can arrest it in recovery.
You are going to have to have some faith here. I can absolutely promise you with 100% certainty that if you go through this process and get yourself into aftercare, that you will feel better than you ever have in your life.
You will feel true joy, and true confidence.
No one does this alone. Addiction is a WE thing and not an I thing. This is why support groups are so important. NA/AA, SMART recovery, Celebrate recovery, are some of the free programs for addicts. Google meetings in your area and go to as many as possible.
You have just admitted that you are powerless over the drugs. Good, that is the first step. Now you have to do whatever it takes to get well. This means not using. Getting help. Being kind and gentle with yourself.
You can do this!!!
Lu
Oh Lilly, I am desperate but in my heart, I know that this addiction has a root. I know the root is evil. I have done things in my past that haunt me when I am not on something. My issues stem from childhood. My parents got divorced when I was in the fourth grade. My mother was cheating on my dad with a much younger man. I hated every second of it and this man. I was a good student and submerged myself in school. I needed to avoid the mess at home and school was the answer then. Fast forward a little bit, I had a few boyfriends, got pregnant at 16 and did the unthinkable. Looking back, I wish I kept that baby but I had nobody to talk to. My mother married the guy and started another family. I was so afraid to tell her because she and I hated each other after the divorce. She and I do not have a relationship even today. We tried but it always goes back to when I was a kid and she never gave me the validation I longed for. I felt she chose him over my brother and I. My brother is a full blown heroin addict that I have no contact with. My mother takes care of him though. Go figure that one out. My head or brain was trashed after all that. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. Although I had the smarts for college, it was not an option in her eyes. I had to find full time work and get on with the rest of my life. This is the root of my demise. I'm so sad that I hid it inside my head and never dealt with this professionally. Now I'm coming close to 50 years old and full of regrets. It's amazing I have a husband and kids of my own. They depend on me for everything and for the most part, I do well. I just can't kick this habit. I have true pain but if I was never introduced to opiates, I'd be able to handle it. I have tried so hard to be the best person I can be but always fall short. I am obviously clinically depressed but can not bring myself to exposing it truthfully. I found this board browsing for someone like me in these shoes and bam, here I am. This outlet is good because it's therapy and my face is anonymous. I feed my body negative thoughts all the time. I like how you stated that your body believes everything your brain tells it. I want a new brain. Mine is twisted like a pretzel. I am going to look at the tramadol links you gave me and start there. Yes, I have access to more but have to wait a few more days. That means I'm feeling like its my right to refill. In the meantime, I used today just to not be dope sick. I now feel like a piece of crap. I want to do this my way and know its a recipe for failure. I can't take anything as prescribed. I double or triple the dose. My girlfriend gave me something today after I told her what was going on. She had something around from a previous surgery. She told me first that she loves me and we need to talk. She is not an addict but felt something was different with me. She thinks I am not as bad as I say I am but I know myself more than anyone. I am in trouble. We plan to meet tomorrow to talk it all out and plan something. I have to work on Monday and I'm petrified already. What if they find out and I lose everything? I can't do a rehab stint but I know it would help. Oh boy, I need help. Sorry for the long that but you figured me out in just a few posts. Please stay with me through this. I can't do it alone.
Katie did you click on those links above? There are some great suggestions in them. Also, the tramadol warriors could coach you too, if you would click that link and post there.
You say you are worried you will relapse soon which tells us that you must still have access of some kind. If you have ANY way to access narcotics....your brain knows it and will wrestle, scream and yell in your ear to convince you that you cannot "do" this....but know what? YOU CAN!!!
Time to set some of that pride you spoke of above aside and ASK FOR SOME HELP. The Holy Spirit will definitely enter your body and mind if you ask....but you HAVE to go thru this physically....no way under it, over it, or around it. We must go THROUGH it to get to the other side.
The pain and suffering we go thru has lessons for us....and there is SO MUCH CLARITY and FREEDOM on the other side.
Attitude is REALLY important......your body believes everything your brain tells it so be sure to feed yourself positive....not negative.
Keep posting for support, and please read all you can on this forum...read the Tramadol journals, read the links I gave you, read and post and learn all you can about addiction. You can do this....keep pushin thru~
You say you are worried you will relapse soon which tells us that you must still have access of some kind. If you have ANY way to access narcotics....your brain knows it and will wrestle, scream and yell in your ear to convince you that you cannot "do" this....but know what? YOU CAN!!!
Time to set some of that pride you spoke of above aside and ASK FOR SOME HELP. The Holy Spirit will definitely enter your body and mind if you ask....but you HAVE to go thru this physically....no way under it, over it, or around it. We must go THROUGH it to get to the other side.
The pain and suffering we go thru has lessons for us....and there is SO MUCH CLARITY and FREEDOM on the other side.
Attitude is REALLY important......your body believes everything your brain tells it so be sure to feed yourself positive....not negative.
Keep posting for support, and please read all you can on this forum...read the Tramadol journals, read the links I gave you, read and post and learn all you can about addiction. You can do this....keep pushin thru~
Feeling so so bad. So so messed up in the head, belly, everything. Tired and dying inside. This is awful....... I can't believe I am not strong enough to suck it up. Sleeping a lot. Called out sick yesterday and today. Kids are suspicious and I'll never tell them. Husband is supportive but just letting me deal with it.... I am the most vulnerable I've ever been. I am weak... Took imodium all week but need something for energy. Suggestions? I can not go to rehab. It is not an option. My pride is way too big. I'd rather hide in the house and suffer. I asked Jesus to allow the Holy Spirit to enter my body and mind and banish this problem. Please pray for me. I am worried I will relapse soon.
Hi Katie SO proud of you for being honest with your husband.
How are you feeling?
How are you feeling?
How are you doing today, Katie? I just read thru your whole thread here and am so glad you found us and posted!
KUDOS for talking to your hubby! Now you are taking less and less each day and then you can jump. It is hard, yes...but so many have done it and made it to the other side. You can TOO!!
Just in case you are not aware of this ongoing journal where tramadol warriors talk to each other....I thought I'd give you the link. It was started years ago by a wonderful gal who felt those addicted to tramadol might want a place to talk back and forth to each other about issues specific to tramadol. Here's the link for you:
http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/1205433/Tramadol--Ultram-Recovery-Room-62
Two more links that may help you to read:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Thomas-Recipe-Re-Posted/show/16?cid=66
http://www.medhelp.org/tags/health_page/45/Addiction/Amino-Acid-Protocol?hp_id=15
There are a lot of things that we can help you with as you go thru your initial detox.....just let us know what you need help with and you'll get lots of suggestions and we can share what worked for us.
Wishing you the best......after 15 yrs......it's time for a change, right?
KUDOS for talking to your hubby! Now you are taking less and less each day and then you can jump. It is hard, yes...but so many have done it and made it to the other side. You can TOO!!
Just in case you are not aware of this ongoing journal where tramadol warriors talk to each other....I thought I'd give you the link. It was started years ago by a wonderful gal who felt those addicted to tramadol might want a place to talk back and forth to each other about issues specific to tramadol. Here's the link for you:
http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/1205433/Tramadol--Ultram-Recovery-Room-62
Two more links that may help you to read:
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Thomas-Recipe-Re-Posted/show/16?cid=66
http://www.medhelp.org/tags/health_page/45/Addiction/Amino-Acid-Protocol?hp_id=15
There are a lot of things that we can help you with as you go thru your initial detox.....just let us know what you need help with and you'll get lots of suggestions and we can share what worked for us.
Wishing you the best......after 15 yrs......it's time for a change, right?
I agree with lulu here. Your husband is not a physician, and he cannot say that you will be over things in 3 days. You are setting yourself up to relapse if this is what you expect.
Cigarettes are harmful, but I wouldn't stop smoking now. Nicotine is an INCREDBILY addictive substance and has its own set of withdrawals. As lulu said, one thing at a time.
Good luck...keep posting...
Cigarettes are harmful, but I wouldn't stop smoking now. Nicotine is an INCREDBILY addictive substance and has its own set of withdrawals. As lulu said, one thing at a time.
Good luck...keep posting...
Katie-
Good for you for telling your husband, and I'm glad he's on board. I am sad to say that he is greatly misinformed about the withdrawals though. What you are doing is not even CLOSE to be taper. That being said, we've had members that have done it. He needs to be by your side while you go through this. I'm not sure how long you are at risk for a seizure, and that's why I think we would ALL feel better if you consulted a doctor. Why is it that you can't talk to your doc about tapering? I can't remember if your drugs are prescribed....
Also, this is just MY opinion, but quitting smoking while you do this is a bad idea. Yes, you should quit smoking. And I totally relate to the "I'm gonna change my whole life RIGHT now!" thing. I was like that too. However, some wise person on here told me ONE THING AT A TIME. So first I got off the opiates, and felt good and stable for a few months, then I started tapering the benzos and sleep meds, then after 6 months I quit smoking. Cold turkey, absolute success. The hardest were the cigarettes. I totally used them to cope emotionally.
I also know that if I tried to quit during detox I would have lost my mind. Your brain is going to be SCREAMING for dopamine. Cigarettes give it that. They were a great comfort to me during detox. They helped me cope. I say the big baddie here is the drugs, because the drugs are changing your personality, and affecting how you see the world. Cigarettes are powerful and addictive and they are obviously super harmful to your health- but you can deal with them further down the road when you are stronger.
That's just my opinion though. I want you to be successful, and I want you to be kind and gentle with yourself.
Keep us posted...
Lu
Good for you for telling your husband, and I'm glad he's on board. I am sad to say that he is greatly misinformed about the withdrawals though. What you are doing is not even CLOSE to be taper. That being said, we've had members that have done it. He needs to be by your side while you go through this. I'm not sure how long you are at risk for a seizure, and that's why I think we would ALL feel better if you consulted a doctor. Why is it that you can't talk to your doc about tapering? I can't remember if your drugs are prescribed....
Also, this is just MY opinion, but quitting smoking while you do this is a bad idea. Yes, you should quit smoking. And I totally relate to the "I'm gonna change my whole life RIGHT now!" thing. I was like that too. However, some wise person on here told me ONE THING AT A TIME. So first I got off the opiates, and felt good and stable for a few months, then I started tapering the benzos and sleep meds, then after 6 months I quit smoking. Cold turkey, absolute success. The hardest were the cigarettes. I totally used them to cope emotionally.
I also know that if I tried to quit during detox I would have lost my mind. Your brain is going to be SCREAMING for dopamine. Cigarettes give it that. They were a great comfort to me during detox. They helped me cope. I say the big baddie here is the drugs, because the drugs are changing your personality, and affecting how you see the world. Cigarettes are powerful and addictive and they are obviously super harmful to your health- but you can deal with them further down the road when you are stronger.
That's just my opinion though. I want you to be successful, and I want you to be kind and gentle with yourself.
Keep us posted...
Lu
Ok, so I fessed up to my husband and he was very understanding. He did however express that it's no big deal and I can kick this in 3 days. Really???? I told him how many I was taking daily and it still did not change his opinion. He said the worst will be my mind but the withdrawl should only be mildly uncomfortable for a few days. I don't believe this. I took 3 tramadols today and now have 7 left. I will take just 2 tomorrow and two Tuesday and Wednesday. Then I will simply see what happens with my body. I have 4 days in a row off so I'm optimistic that I can rest and pray that God does a miracle in my life. I need this crap to end, I am over living in this black hole. I can't go into any detox or rehab because I'll lose my job and we are financially just getting by now. Today was not bad considering I only took 3 instead of the usual 10 to 12. I took Imodium liquid just in case and my gut is fine and I had a small appetite. A bit moody with the kids but I've been worse. I'm looking for an na group and did attend an online meeting last night. Oh, and I decided to quit smoking too while I was reinventing my life.... Why not make my body more uncomfortable? Keep me in your prayers. I'll be in touch during the week. By this time next week, I hope to be counting clean days. xoxo
I can totally relate. I have MS, my Drs gave me several pain meds and I could not stop them alone. I shut myself off from the world and was giving up. Four of the meds were opiates all with the same withdrawals. I lost the ability to feel my feelings except desperation. I asked my Drs for help and they just wanted to increase the meds. I was a zombie. I checked into a rehab out of my ins plan. It was that or death. I stopped methadone sept 2 2014 while taking oxycontins and valium a. I was still going crazy that was when I went to rehab. They detoxed me in a regular hospital ward cause stopping the OXY and Valium caused seizures. Then I went to a 28 day program have been clean except for blood pressure medicine for about 33 days. This has been a difficult journey. No or little sleep lost 60 pounds high anxiety and some depression. I learned to trust in others that have gone through this as well as God. Recovery is a long process for me as I can only take one day sometimes one moment at a time. Find a Dr who can help you taper. I attend a NA meeting every day and will be starting a day program 3 days a week a couple hours a day. I can not do this alone. Alone is what got me this way. Please reach out. I am praying for you as well as everyone who still struggles.
OMG, Kate, you have so much going on, but you have taken the first step. No turning back now.
I had the same shame and self-loathing as you did. It came from my childhood, my family, my mother. Everyone is my family---EVERY SINGLE PERSON---is an addict. Most of them its' booze, but I am the oldest of six cousins, and every single one is addicted to something. My closest friend in the world--my sister, died a year ago after falling down a flight of stairs, drunk and high.
In my opinion, you should come clean with your husband AND your kids. Consider telling them the truth. They may already know...and they definitely have seen drug use in school. They love you and I think you'll be surprised to see how much support you get from them.
There is a saying in AA: 'you are a sick as your secrets.' You are NOT a bad person. You are a good person with a bad problem. Addiction is EVERYWHERE. I'll bet $1000 one of your kids' parents is battling an opiate addiction. You'd be shocked if you knew how many people are secretly on pain pills, prescribed, or buying them from friends, or getting a few on the side. It is a national epidemic, and I'm not exaggerating.
You want a better life. You claim to be at the bottom. Okay, what have you got to lose by being ruthless honest with everyone?
Let's break this down, Katie: You started on pain medication because of back and hip arthritis. Arthritis is the #1 cause of disability in the United States. It is incredibly painful and debilitating. What did you do that was SO awful? You took medicine in order to keep working, keep providing for your family...being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, and you did it.
And then...you discovered the pills took away anxiety. And anxiety is just as terrible as arthritis. You found out that you could work better, function better, get through your life better because you had this medicine that eased it all.
Again, I ask: what did you do that was so wrong? Life is HARD..this is a lesson I am trying to teach my adult daughter. I shielded her from the pain of my childhood by giving her a fairytale life. And it was a mistake...because she is ill-equipped now to deal with the trials and tribulations of being a human being.
It is hard to be a human being. Very hard. INCREDBILY hard. Old age is a privilege not many can attain, which is why I hold such incredible awe and respect for senior citizens, and despise how much our society praises and rewards "youth."
You did what you had to do, and then, you got caught up in something beyond you. Did you deliberately hurt anyone? NO! Were you mean, spiteful, hateful? No! Stop the self-hate, honey. You need to be there for yourself. No one is born thinking "Gee, I hope I grow up and become hopelessly addicted to pain medication." No one wants this. NO ONE.
It isn't your fault. But the recovery is your responsibility; And this disease of addiction LOVES to be hidden. Lies, secrecy, it's the addiction's best friend. Come clean...let it all out. Sunlight is the best disinfectant, and I'll bet you feel such a burden lifted from your spirit.
You have the disease of addiction. BUT. Unlike so many others, you are willing to admit it...to stop...to get help. Do you have any idea how AWESOME that is? What a hero you are to yourself?
I know you want this to just go away and keep on with your life as it always has been. I don't know think that can happen. Another saying, if you can't stand all my clichés: "Want to see God laugh? Plan your life."
This is happening for a reason...you will break the cycle. You aren't your mother, or your brother, and you are going to face this HEAD ON..with courage, love, brazenness, and a determination that a bunch of chemicals packaged into pill form will not rule your life.
I know I'm being a tad dramatic, and if what I'm saying is too harsh, please forgive me. Addition seeps into everything...our body, mind, and spirit.
I took oxycodone for 8 years for real, actual pain. I am 37 days clean and I feel like I'm just starting a new life. My job? Forget it. It's over...I'm going to have to retrain and figure something out. Okay, so I'm 52, but I can't collect social security until I'm 67, I've got a college degree, and I'm a hard worker.
You will figure it all out in time. For now, though...I think the wall of secrecy is where all your shame and self-loathing exists.
One more thing: I think you should come clean with your doctor. If he/she isn't understand, walk out, and go to another one. (My first husband was a doctor...you'd be shocked how many doctors and nurses are addicted to opiates too!!!)
My background is pharmacology, although I'm no longer a licensed pharmacist (let it expire....long story for another time). Tramadol was originally marketed as "non-addictive." which is inaccurate. It acts on opiod receptors, but it also contains 2 SSRI's, which are anti-depressants.
Withdrawal should be medically supervised, in my opinion. Katie, I know you are averse to telling your children, but better they have a mother who is in treatment and ALIVE then the alternative.
We are here to support you. I'm a mother too. It was hard to tell my daughter than I was going to stop taking oxycodone. She vaguely knew I was taking meds, but had no idea that I was completely dependent on them. I took more than I needed on several occasions because I still had pain, but I also enjoyed the complete absence of emotional agony that the pills brought.
Eventually, though, this effect stopped, and, with my background, I refused to increase my dose (which my doctor was perfectly willing to do..he even wanted me to try a Fentanyl patch, methadone, both of which I REFUSED.) I knew what was going to happen to me if I took more and more so I did a supervised taper down to 10 mgs a day. That's 1/4 of what I was normally taking.
My ridiculously ill-informed doctor told me that at such a low dose I "should not have any w/d symptoms." What an idiot. I am 37 days clean, and it's been rough. PM me if you want to talk privately.
I'm convinced that there are millions of mothers out there working full time jobs, raising kids, trying to hold their marriage together, who are taking opiates to cope, to survive, to work through the pain.
You are not alone. And you can have a better, cleaner, more honest life. I won't lie to you, K, your withdrawal from these drugs is not going to be pleasant, but it's temporary, and what I call "pain with a purpose."
Again, I hope I haven't offended you with anything I wrote. Please let us know how things went with your husband. NO matter what, this Is YOUR lie and you have a right to live it without drugs. Hugs...you can do this....
Your new pal,
-Robin
I had the same shame and self-loathing as you did. It came from my childhood, my family, my mother. Everyone is my family---EVERY SINGLE PERSON---is an addict. Most of them its' booze, but I am the oldest of six cousins, and every single one is addicted to something. My closest friend in the world--my sister, died a year ago after falling down a flight of stairs, drunk and high.
In my opinion, you should come clean with your husband AND your kids. Consider telling them the truth. They may already know...and they definitely have seen drug use in school. They love you and I think you'll be surprised to see how much support you get from them.
There is a saying in AA: 'you are a sick as your secrets.' You are NOT a bad person. You are a good person with a bad problem. Addiction is EVERYWHERE. I'll bet $1000 one of your kids' parents is battling an opiate addiction. You'd be shocked if you knew how many people are secretly on pain pills, prescribed, or buying them from friends, or getting a few on the side. It is a national epidemic, and I'm not exaggerating.
You want a better life. You claim to be at the bottom. Okay, what have you got to lose by being ruthless honest with everyone?
Let's break this down, Katie: You started on pain medication because of back and hip arthritis. Arthritis is the #1 cause of disability in the United States. It is incredibly painful and debilitating. What did you do that was SO awful? You took medicine in order to keep working, keep providing for your family...being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, and you did it.
And then...you discovered the pills took away anxiety. And anxiety is just as terrible as arthritis. You found out that you could work better, function better, get through your life better because you had this medicine that eased it all.
Again, I ask: what did you do that was so wrong? Life is HARD..this is a lesson I am trying to teach my adult daughter. I shielded her from the pain of my childhood by giving her a fairytale life. And it was a mistake...because she is ill-equipped now to deal with the trials and tribulations of being a human being.
It is hard to be a human being. Very hard. INCREDBILY hard. Old age is a privilege not many can attain, which is why I hold such incredible awe and respect for senior citizens, and despise how much our society praises and rewards "youth."
You did what you had to do, and then, you got caught up in something beyond you. Did you deliberately hurt anyone? NO! Were you mean, spiteful, hateful? No! Stop the self-hate, honey. You need to be there for yourself. No one is born thinking "Gee, I hope I grow up and become hopelessly addicted to pain medication." No one wants this. NO ONE.
It isn't your fault. But the recovery is your responsibility; And this disease of addiction LOVES to be hidden. Lies, secrecy, it's the addiction's best friend. Come clean...let it all out. Sunlight is the best disinfectant, and I'll bet you feel such a burden lifted from your spirit.
You have the disease of addiction. BUT. Unlike so many others, you are willing to admit it...to stop...to get help. Do you have any idea how AWESOME that is? What a hero you are to yourself?
I know you want this to just go away and keep on with your life as it always has been. I don't know think that can happen. Another saying, if you can't stand all my clichés: "Want to see God laugh? Plan your life."
This is happening for a reason...you will break the cycle. You aren't your mother, or your brother, and you are going to face this HEAD ON..with courage, love, brazenness, and a determination that a bunch of chemicals packaged into pill form will not rule your life.
I know I'm being a tad dramatic, and if what I'm saying is too harsh, please forgive me. Addition seeps into everything...our body, mind, and spirit.
I took oxycodone for 8 years for real, actual pain. I am 37 days clean and I feel like I'm just starting a new life. My job? Forget it. It's over...I'm going to have to retrain and figure something out. Okay, so I'm 52, but I can't collect social security until I'm 67, I've got a college degree, and I'm a hard worker.
You will figure it all out in time. For now, though...I think the wall of secrecy is where all your shame and self-loathing exists.
One more thing: I think you should come clean with your doctor. If he/she isn't understand, walk out, and go to another one. (My first husband was a doctor...you'd be shocked how many doctors and nurses are addicted to opiates too!!!)
My background is pharmacology, although I'm no longer a licensed pharmacist (let it expire....long story for another time). Tramadol was originally marketed as "non-addictive." which is inaccurate. It acts on opiod receptors, but it also contains 2 SSRI's, which are anti-depressants.
Withdrawal should be medically supervised, in my opinion. Katie, I know you are averse to telling your children, but better they have a mother who is in treatment and ALIVE then the alternative.
We are here to support you. I'm a mother too. It was hard to tell my daughter than I was going to stop taking oxycodone. She vaguely knew I was taking meds, but had no idea that I was completely dependent on them. I took more than I needed on several occasions because I still had pain, but I also enjoyed the complete absence of emotional agony that the pills brought.
Eventually, though, this effect stopped, and, with my background, I refused to increase my dose (which my doctor was perfectly willing to do..he even wanted me to try a Fentanyl patch, methadone, both of which I REFUSED.) I knew what was going to happen to me if I took more and more so I did a supervised taper down to 10 mgs a day. That's 1/4 of what I was normally taking.
My ridiculously ill-informed doctor told me that at such a low dose I "should not have any w/d symptoms." What an idiot. I am 37 days clean, and it's been rough. PM me if you want to talk privately.
I'm convinced that there are millions of mothers out there working full time jobs, raising kids, trying to hold their marriage together, who are taking opiates to cope, to survive, to work through the pain.
You are not alone. And you can have a better, cleaner, more honest life. I won't lie to you, K, your withdrawal from these drugs is not going to be pleasant, but it's temporary, and what I call "pain with a purpose."
Again, I hope I haven't offended you with anything I wrote. Please let us know how things went with your husband. NO matter what, this Is YOUR lie and you have a right to live it without drugs. Hugs...you can do this....
Your new pal,
-Robin
I will pray for you Katie. You can do this. One step at a time. I'm sure you will feel relieved after speaking with your husband.
Keep us posted...
Lu
Keep us posted...
Lu
Thank you for being so truthful and sympathetic. I am my own worst enemy. Today was a terrible day and I am dosed up. I know what I have to do and decided to snap on the ones I love the most. My kids both went out tonight because I threw a fit for no reason. I am living in hell. I hate myself and want the old me back. I won't have the opportunity to avoid wd because the pills will be gone and my doctor will no refill anything so I am going on the cold turkey plan, well, Minus the ten tramadol I have left in the bottle. I have a few days off this week, not 5 in a row..... But anything will be better than nothing. I am preparing to talk to my husband now. Oh boy, this is going to be rough... I'll keep you posted. I am not physically sick right now but I feel this is the bottom....the self hatred is beyond belief. I am thankful I stumbled across this forum because maybe my admitting it, will set me free once and for all.... I'll check back in a bit. After I spill the beans to him. Prayers please
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
I had no job other than to get well for several months, so I guess in a way it was like rehab. I attended multiple meetings a week and did intense therapy sessions once a week for 8 months. I focused entirely on my emotional/mental/physical well being. Within a year I started my own business doing what I love which has become very successful, I bought my own home, and after two years of chosen singlehood- I fell in love.
Recovery brought me back to myself, and formed me into the person that I always wanted to be but had previously feared I would never become.
My authentic self.
You WILL be happy and confident and clear. Maybe not right away, but if you are 100% committed to yourself and your recovery, then anything is possible.
Believe.
Lu