Scared/Not knowing

[ohwilly]

5 days ago I began my weening process. My girlfiend has had many family visiting members do to a family death so I have been living up the street in a guest house which was very helpful. During this time I have spent alot of quiet time trying to be honest with myself and make some good decisions. My girlfriend and I talked a bit after everyone left and I found our talk very concerning. I asked her if I could explain some of my thoughts. I did not tell her avout my Vicodin because I did not trust her response however, I told her about my studies in the past 10 days which included AD/HD, ADD, Bi-polar and PTSD. I am a Vet so I have some understanding of these conditions but my reasearch gave me the best understanding I haver ever had regarding my physical and pscological conditions. So, to make a long story shorter I expressed to my girlfriend that I had made som great discoveries over the past week and I believe that if we can be honest with each other and make a commitment to our relationshipther will then be hope. I then went on to tell her how I have struggled for years with not being balanced and I believe I have always had to engage in over working, too much coffee or anything that increases my dopamine level-I told her this is a real discovery for me and I am thrilled. Again, a long story short she fires back and says I don't need any stress and until you start feeling better just stay where you are. Once again in my relationship I think why am I here? I am always trying to be something else and when I get honest it falls apart. This makes me want to take more Vicodin because it makes me feel better and throughout this relationship for 5yrs I have taken Vicodin off and on so I can be around her. I know that sounds stupid but there is a lot of reasons why I stay. But now I feel it is time to move on and I am very scared because I don't know where to go........Today, I will really struggle with my addiction.............Unedited..........

                              Ohwilly  

[lboogie7729]

I went to a midnight meeting last night, and my first NA meeting today. I don't have the desire to use AT ALL! But I have no other way (outside of this forum) to meet others who are dealing with the same issues. I own my own business and work with my boyfriend so social opportunities are kind of hard to come by, especially because it's winter time and I, like a lot of other people tend to stay in and avoid the weather. But that is the my main problem right now, figuring out where to go from here, once you are no longer using, you are sober and have started to reinvent yourself. Addiction is a crazy thing. I have heard it said that the only thing worse than being with an addict is being with an addict in recovery. It's easier for others to accept and deal with you when you problems are not laid bare for the world to see, when you are just quietly going about your business. But I am all about getting honest with myself and it sounds like you are too. My boyfriend and I are trying to talk our way through this and work it out. We are only 2 years into the relationship and time will if we can make this work together. I am putting myself first regardless and doing my best to stay strong, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I hope you are too! Keep us updated on how things are going with you, we wish you all the success you deserve!

[nurseone]

To Ohwilly, Congrats on staying strong. It sounds like you are doing well today. I believe that people that seek attention are very insecure most of the time. So that could be it. But when we are struggling so hard to recover we need people in our court. It is time for us to be selfish now and take care of us!  Sounds like you have a tough choice ahead for your relationship but just know we are all here for support. This is one place you can come for honesty and people in your court. Stay strong and take care of yourself. You deserve it!

[ohwilly]

I am finally finished up for the day and back to your post of 18hrs ago.
I appreciate you thoughts regarding my brother. I will am going to reply to your post sentence by sentence. It would feel good to feel some compassion and understanding but that is very short lived. You hit the nail in the head when you mentioned her not getting the attention. In the past year many things have happened in my life and many people have come to me for compassion or congratulation's-when this happens she can't stand it because she is not getting all the intention when in fact, I could do without. I really believe she is for some reason very insecure and full of fear. I sometimes feel very sorry for her. It really isn't what I need now and I must get clear about making changes in this relationship. I am happy you are still with us and I think it is so wonderful that you are 8 weeks sober. This is something for you to be very proud of-I'm proud of you too....
It makes me feel sad to know what you are dealing with regarding your boyfriend and trying to get sober. I am sorry to say this but, he does not have a clue regarding the process of getting sober or he would not be acting as he is. a lot of people quit alcohol an drugs but never change-alcohol and drugs are just a symptom of our disease. Also, a drug is a drug is a drug. Your boyfriend is not clean and sober in fact, he is not even at step 1. My heart goes out to you and I hoping and praying that your relationship with your boyfriend makes some needed changes. You are doing great and your life is coming back to a place of peace and love...

                        Ohwilly

[ohwilly]

Will be talking with you shortly-I just saw your post which I missed it earlier. I look forward to our thoughts. I will send another message to you............Ohwilly

[ohwilly]

I just read your post and I am just heading out the door. You had so many good things to say and as soon as I get to my office I will be sending you some of my thoughts after I get to my office this morning.
                                                 Ohwilly

[snowflake620]

willy,I am so sorry to hear about your brother,loosing a loved one is so very hard,but please don't blame yourself.he would not want that for you,as for your g/f.What g/f?sounds like it's time for the princess to go find another castle to dwell in if ya know what I mean and I think you do! The sunset sounds wonderful isn't god great?He is a wonderful artist just look around
snowflake

[lboogie7729]

Good for you for trying to get off of the meds, doing the research and trying to be honest with yourself and your signifigant other. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. Anyone in your shoes deserves some compassion, understanding, support and most of all respect for trying to get your life together. Some people are afraid to acknowledge others problems or loss because it means they don't get to have their own pity party when your very real issues are being addressed. It's a shame that some people just don't know how to be compassionate, to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on to someone who needs it. You're being honest and trying to do the right thing so give yourself credit for that and just realize that she is just not in the same place, and maybe isn't what you need in your life right now. It's so disappointing to get rejection and isolation instead of support and understanding from the person you love, I know because I'm feeling it lately too. I quit drinking, smoking pot and cigarettes (after about 19 years of use) cold turkey almost 8 weeks ago after a drunken suicide attempt (so my heart really goes out to you because I can only imagine what you are going through with the loss of your brother). My boyfriend quit pot after 15 years of EXCESSIVE use and is not an alcoholic so he thinks I should be fine with him having drinks whenever he feels like it. I feel like it's a slap in the face, and it's almost like he is undermining my very sincere attempt to get my life straight. He even said he didn't care if I smoke pot and encouraged me to get a drink last week when I flipped out because he ordered one at dinner after I had said repeatedly that I wasn't comfortable yet with anyone drinking in front of me! I guess it's just impossible for some people to put themselves in someone else's shoes. Thank God for forums like this where we can all vent and seek advice from others who are going through similar things. It's great to be able to get some perspective and encouragement. Everyone here is behind you, keep up the good work, you're doing the right thing! Happy New Year to you, I think you're already off to a better year!

[ohwilly]

exactly, if I take the pills to make myself feel better when I am around her it is not a good thing. I will overcome this issue and I will find a wonderful mate someday............Happy New Year............Ohwilly

[ohwilly]

Very good idea. As soon as finish this post I am after a pad of paper to begin my list. This will be interesting. Are you sure it won't make me use? Just Kidding.....
I use to live in spokane, Wa and I don't miss the snow and cold at all. I will keep sending you visuals on the sunsets...........Ohwilly

[dominosarah]

Sit down and make a list of all the things you are grateful for......make a list of the things that trigger you to use......it is usually an eye opener!!!!!

Thanks for the visual of the warmth and sun going down....I live in Minnesota where the snow is deep and the temps are cold........but i am clean and for that i am grateful......sara

[worried878]

agree with above..if u have to take pills to feel adequate with the one you love..then what do u really have?  nothing in the crux of things cept perhaps someone u think u love./does not sound like she is all "into this"   if it were not the pills she left u over then in the future it may be the next circumstance that was "not pleasant"  disneyland is a good place for people who never think there are problems in life cos in reality..there are

good luck to u and u can do this without a SO..(:

[ohwilly]

Was it that bad?? or maybe worse??

I do not want to get overwhelmed and that is a good reminder.
I live in Carmel, Ca. and today was a beautiful warm sunny day. Right now the horizon is a golden orange color that is spectacular! I need to be more grateful..........

                      Ohwilly

[dominosarah]

Yes it does so is it my time to make something rhyme???  Okay that was bad!!!!

Start out with baby steps....dont want to get overwhelmed.  You are going to do great. Keep up the positive attitude!!!!           sara

[ohwilly]

I will remain with this forum and with the help everyone is giving how can I go wrong. Today has been a day of great understanding and a slight feeling of peace and joy.
Living a self-directed life requires faith and I need to put more in my life. I need to have faith to get on with my life and I need to do a little each day to begin moving forward.

09' will be fine because I hear chime, and, the chime is all MINE...does that rhyme?

                        Ohwilly

[dominosarah]

Stay with the forum and we will help you get thru this......many of us have been in your position on starting over.

Time to bring the New Year in with the new YOU!!!!!        sara

[Dezdon]

I dont mean to hijack the thread. But thanks to the replies to my post. I'll take them to heart.
-Dez

[ohwilly]

Thank you for mentioning my brother. You are right the emotions swings are not good.
I have been told by many others that my girlfriend is very self-centered and once again you are correct. I have been doing some research on co-dependency today and from what I have read I am at the heart of its definition. It has really helped me grasp more about where I have been. In my opinion all her expressions of compassion and understanding are just words-words from the head and not the heart. Your comment about starting to stand up for myself hit me with a splendid sense of confidence.
May your new year be a blessing...................Ohwilly

[ohwilly]

First off you are off the pills and I am very happy for you. Now make it 7 yrs clean and sober. I can feel what you have written me and I know it hurts. Feeling isolated and lonely are not good emotions especially when you are in WD. If you can feel strong about telling your wife about your addiction and she won't withdraw more than it seems she has then I would tell her. In my case it will turn against me so I am alone with my WD except for this wonderful forum. I am all about being honest however it is difficult at certain times. I think you are trying hard to make things better and that is good however don't do what I have done and keep trying to please your mate. Be yourself and make it happen. I think this forum stuff is starting to rub off on me-I am getting stronger the more I read and write these forums.....thanks to all of you......Good luck Dezdon...

[dominosarah]

Get off those egg shells while you can.  The harder you try to make her happy the deeper the shells will get............Stay focused on YOU!!

[ohwilly]

You are exactly right I am existing but not living in this relationship. I think it is really time to think about my life rather than always trying to make things pleasing for her. I walk on egg shells daily. Yes, I do know the movie-amazing correlation-thanks.

                                             Ohwilly

[nurseone]

It is easy to get excited about things when you know you have support. Taking your life back wont be easy but one step at a time and reach out. The response you got from your g/f regarding your brother......I am speechless. Being female I do not understand that one! For whatever reason she couldnt reach out .......maybe she has shut down or whatever. The point being you are existing in a relationship and not living in one. I wish the best because I hate to be so cliche but in the movie When a man loves a woman........when she says at the end.........." I have to believe I deserve a second chance"  We all deserve it.     Sorry I am rambling.........day 4 trying to get over the hump!


To Dez: that is awesome that you are doing that.......small things add up and she will notice . We cant make promises we cant keep but we can try each time to do better. Good luck.

[Dezdon]

I understand what your going through. I feel like my wife is a million miles away from me. I feel like I burnt her out on my troubles. First it was a major illness, she had to take care of me, then the addiction started and I disapeared into my own little world. I feel like I left her behind. I feel like she isolated now, or I should say, our relationship is isolated. We never fight, but theres no affection anymore, no little good bye kisses or good night kisses. No hugs etc.. I miss that importnat interaction.
  I was at a friends New Years eve party last night. And was watching my friend and his wife. They totaly click. I got jelouse and sad my marrige wasnt like that anymore, and its all my fault.
  I have five days of clearity right now after seven years of pills. I know I havent even scratch the surface of how Im gunna feel or whats really going on in my life. I guess I have some amendments to make.
   She doesnt have a clue I stopped taking pills. I didnt want to set myself to disapoint her if I fail at this. I am talking to her more, jumping in where I can so she doent have to go out into the cold to pick up our teenager, stuff like that. I want her know Im back, but I dont want to set myself up for the feelings of failuer in her eyes. it breaks my heart.
Dez

[dominosarah]

I am so sorry to hear about your brother.  That is such a tragedy.  I am sure you are going thru some very difficult emotions with this.  The way your GF responded to this tragedy should of been the biggest red flag..........Please plant your feet and take back your life.  She sounds very self centered.  I am a female(obviously) and no female is worth losing who you are and being put on the back burner during the good and bad of a relationship.  There should of been compassion and understanding during this time, not what she did.  You are important and your feelings are important.  Take that stand and start standing up for you!!!!

[ohwilly]

This posting is so great. It is really giving me some hope. It feels so good to just open up and say what you feel. I agree fully with what you have to say. I have fallen in traps all my life, I have always wanted a "Normal Life" but I have always been afraid to just be me. It is time I change. I am down from 10 vicodins pr/day to 3 pr/day and feel great about my progress........Great stuff-thanks...........Ohwilly