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Scared/Not knowing

5 days ago I began my weening process. My girlfiend has had many family visiting members do to a family death so I have been living up the street in a guest house which was very helpful. During this time I have spent alot of quiet time trying to be honest with myself and make some good decisions. My girlfriend and I talked a bit after everyone left and I found our talk very concerning. I asked her if I could explain some of my thoughts. I did not tell her avout my Vicodin because I did not trust her response however, I told her about my studies in the past 10 days which included AD/HD, ADD, Bi-polar and PTSD. I am a Vet so I have some understanding of these conditions but my reasearch gave me the best understanding I haver ever had regarding my physical and pscological conditions. So, to make a long story shorter I expressed to my girlfriend that I had made som great discoveries over the past week and I believe that if we can be honest with each other and make a commitment to our relationshipther will then be hope. I then went on to tell her how I have struggled for years with not being balanced and I believe I have always had to engage in over working, too much coffee or anything that increases my dopamine level-I told her this is a real discovery for me and I am thrilled. Again, a long story short she fires back and says I don't need any stress and until you start feeling better just stay where you are. Once again in my relationship I think why am I here? I am always trying to be something else and when I get honest it falls apart. This makes me want to take more Vicodin because it makes me feel better and throughout this relationship for 5yrs I have taken Vicodin off and on so I can be around her. I know that sounds stupid but there is a lot of reasons why I stay. But now I feel it is time to move on and I am very scared because I don't know where to go........Today, I will really struggle with my addiction.............Unedited..........

                              Ohwilly  
35 Responses
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198154 tn?1337787265
are you just venting or was there a question in there?
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Avatar universal
I am sorry but it sounds to me like not only do you need to kick the vics but also the girlfriend if you need to take drugs to be around someone than I believe it is time to move on,as for nowhere to go can you stay in the quest housse untill you make other arrangements? Having people to support you during this trying time for you is so important but don't give up keep posting and everyone here will pull you through just don't give up we are here for you and we really do care
snowflake
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210982 tn?1280983895
If you can't be open and honest with the person who is supposed to be your g/f, then you don't have much of a relationship. If you have to edit your thoughts because you don't think she will support you when you say certain things then you don't have much of a relationship. I agree with the previous post, stay in the guest house until you have another place to go then tell her you are leaving her and move on! You owe it to yourself to be true to yourself and make the necessary decisions to enhance your life! Good luck!
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Avatar universal
I am sure I seem to be all over the board. To answer your question it is both. But what I am really asking is have I really submittted to another persons ideas and thoughts which has made me feel less than? I do very good at business and other things in my life but what has happened here? I really desire a honest, loving and caring relationship. I truly believe a solid relationship between man and woman is the greatest asset in the world.

I hope I made more sense............Thanks......................Ohwilly
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Avatar universal
everyone is entitled to a honest caring loving relationship,what you described between you and your girlfriend is not that,you deserve better so go get it! don't settle for anything less!
snowflake
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Avatar universal
I think you are right if can't be honest about all my issues I do need to move on but it is still a struggle. I am not looking forward to starting over again.

                                     Ohwilly
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Avatar universal
My thoughts are this: you have two issues. If you take drugs to try to be a part of  ........you need think about getting off the vics. Most of us have done this. It is the way we think we can fit in and calm down. It is a false calm and usually after a while it creates more problems including relationships. We should not sell ourselves out. Being with someone that you have to cover up who you really are ...or adapt........you will never find that loving caring relationship with someone that you have to watch what you say. Sometimes it is hard to make that decision because life is more comfortable if you stay........I just say dont sell yourself short. Get off the pills and start pulling yourself together. You deserve it.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Noone likes to start over but it will be easier in the long run than living with selling yourself short.  Take the time to heal your mind and body.........make you the number one priority and the rest will fall into place.        sara
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Avatar universal
Yes, you are very right I need to quit selling myself short. I have done it alot in my life for reasons I am just starting to understand. I do need to have someone that does not judge everything I say or do. I have really sold myself out and the drugs have been the shortcut. I am grateful for your help....................Ohwilly
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Avatar universal
Well we fall into that trap so easy. Take another pill.....smile......nod ....yep I agree with everything you say........where are my pills! lol I know it isnt funny ....I am just thinking of myself. It is so damaging to who we are as a person. We get to the point that we have to try and remember who the hell we are and what do we want out of life........I always say I just want a "normal" life...........what is that anyway?? But I do know that when we take the pills we are hiding. I am on day 4 and I am ready to quit hiding. I mean after all .........the way you are living now......is it really living?  This is a great site. I find myself reading everything because it is a sense of calm to know that most of us are in the same boat. Nice to have people understand.............you can do this.
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Avatar universal
Most of my life I have never made me #1 and that has contributed to many of my character defects. It is really the time as you suggest to take charge of my life.
For many reasons which I have mentioned in my earlier post have made me feel less than. Another issue that has not helped in the last 3 months is that my brother killed himself with my gun. I talked with him for a long time the day before and the next day he is gone. This is another issue that I tried to share with my girlfriend but she told me that she did not want to hear about it and I should talk with someone else. I could not believe it but once again burried it and let it go. 3 Vicodins helped.

                                    Ohwilly
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Avatar universal
This posting is so great. It is really giving me some hope. It feels so good to just open up and say what you feel. I agree fully with what you have to say. I have fallen in traps all my life, I have always wanted a "Normal Life" but I have always been afraid to just be me. It is time I change. I am down from 10 vicodins pr/day to 3 pr/day and feel great about my progress........Great stuff-thanks...........Ohwilly
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am so sorry to hear about your brother.  That is such a tragedy.  I am sure you are going thru some very difficult emotions with this.  The way your GF responded to this tragedy should of been the biggest red flag..........Please plant your feet and take back your life.  She sounds very self centered.  I am a female(obviously) and no female is worth losing who you are and being put on the back burner during the good and bad of a relationship.  There should of been compassion and understanding during this time, not what she did.  You are important and your feelings are important.  Take that stand and start standing up for you!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I understand what your going through. I feel like my wife is a million miles away from me. I feel like I burnt her out on my troubles. First it was a major illness, she had to take care of me, then the addiction started and I disapeared into my own little world. I feel like I left her behind. I feel like she isolated now, or I should say, our relationship is isolated. We never fight, but theres no affection anymore, no little good bye kisses or good night kisses. No hugs etc.. I miss that importnat interaction.
  I was at a friends New Years eve party last night. And was watching my friend and his wife. They totaly click. I got jelouse and sad my marrige wasnt like that anymore, and its all my fault.
  I have five days of clearity right now after seven years of pills. I know I havent even scratch the surface of how Im gunna feel or whats really going on in my life. I guess I have some amendments to make.
   She doesnt have a clue I stopped taking pills. I didnt want to set myself to disapoint her if I fail at this. I am talking to her more, jumping in where I can so she doent have to go out into the cold to pick up our teenager, stuff like that. I want her know Im back, but I dont want to set myself up for the feelings of failuer in her eyes. it breaks my heart.
Dez
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Avatar universal
It is easy to get excited about things when you know you have support. Taking your life back wont be easy but one step at a time and reach out. The response you got from your g/f regarding your brother......I am speechless. Being female I do not understand that one! For whatever reason she couldnt reach out .......maybe she has shut down or whatever. The point being you are existing in a relationship and not living in one. I wish the best because I hate to be so cliche but in the movie When a man loves a woman........when she says at the end.........." I have to believe I deserve a second chance"  We all deserve it.     Sorry I am rambling.........day 4 trying to get over the hump!


To Dez: that is awesome that you are doing that.......small things add up and she will notice . We cant make promises we cant keep but we can try each time to do better. Good luck.



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Avatar universal
You are exactly right I am existing but not living in this relationship. I think it is really time to think about my life rather than always trying to make things pleasing for her. I walk on egg shells daily. Yes, I do know the movie-amazing correlation-thanks.

                                             Ohwilly
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Get off those egg shells while you can.  The harder you try to make her happy the deeper the shells will get............Stay focused on YOU!!
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Avatar universal
First off you are off the pills and I am very happy for you. Now make it 7 yrs clean and sober. I can feel what you have written me and I know it hurts. Feeling isolated and lonely are not good emotions especially when you are in WD. If you can feel strong about telling your wife about your addiction and she won't withdraw more than it seems she has then I would tell her. In my case it will turn against me so I am alone with my WD except for this wonderful forum. I am all about being honest however it is difficult at certain times. I think you are trying hard to make things better and that is good however don't do what I have done and keep trying to please your mate. Be yourself and make it happen. I think this forum stuff is starting to rub off on me-I am getting stronger the more I read and write these forums.....thanks to all of you......Good luck Dezdon...
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Avatar universal
Thank you for mentioning my brother. You are right the emotions swings are not good.
I have been told by many others that my girlfriend is very self-centered and once again you are correct. I have been doing some research on co-dependency today and from what I have read I am at the heart of its definition. It has really helped me grasp more about where I have been. In my opinion all her expressions of compassion and understanding are just words-words from the head and not the heart. Your comment about starting to stand up for myself hit me with a splendid sense of confidence.
May your new year be a blessing...................Ohwilly
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Avatar universal
I dont mean to hijack the thread. But thanks to the replies to my post. I'll take them to heart.
-Dez
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Stay with the forum and we will help you get thru this......many of us have been in your position on starting over.

Time to bring the New Year in with the new YOU!!!!!        sara
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Avatar universal
I will remain with this forum and with the help everyone is giving how can I go wrong. Today has been a day of great understanding and a slight feeling of peace and joy.
Living a self-directed life requires faith and I need to put more in my life. I need to have faith to get on with my life and I need to do a little each day to begin moving forward.

09' will be fine because I hear chime, and, the chime is all MINE...does that rhyme?

                        Ohwilly
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes it does so is it my time to make something rhyme???  Okay that was bad!!!!

Start out with baby steps....dont want to get overwhelmed.  You are going to do great. Keep up the positive attitude!!!!           sara
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Avatar universal
Was it that bad?? or maybe worse??

I do not want to get overwhelmed and that is a good reminder.
I live in Carmel, Ca. and today was a beautiful warm sunny day. Right now the horizon is a golden orange color that is spectacular! I need to be more grateful..........

                      Ohwilly
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