Self destructive Weekend...

[Spacemonkey]

Just for background, I am an alcoholic and an addict (painkillers + tranqs).  I have been without a drink since Jan 3, 2003 and I don't miss it. About a 1 1/2 ago I had a medical condition that started me taking painkillers (T4's, VicodinES, etc... + atavan, xanax, valium, clonapin, etc...).  Then, duh, I got strung out. I had run out of my supply about 6 months before and was taking them from my wife who has fibromyalgia. So I was stealing her stuff at a phenomenal rate (10-15 T4's/day + 3-5 tranqs).  I had a bad physical addiction that was a real hard/bad ride to quit cold turkey.  I probably should have died from the withdrawls.  I haven't been "at that level" for almost a year, but ever since then, every few weeks, I compulsively run around looking for pills. When I find them I take 1-2 each time.  Sometimes she knows, sometimes she doesn't.  This is such a horrible, shameful way to live.

I am utterly and completely baffled by my ability to self destruct.  In short, I'm a damn mess and I can't understand WHY booze was so easy for me to quit but I am completely overtaken and substituted with autopilot when I see a pill bottle.........  I just go on to a sort of fly-by-wire where I am not running the show any more.  I know what I do is wrong and the consequences are big, but I am not in control.  It like I'm sitting back just watching it unfold before me.   I hate this and I really don't know what to do.  I go to meetings, I "remind" myself of the 1st "big 3" steps, but I just keep doing it.   Now I'm depressed as hell, helpless as a child in a hurricane, and the only thing bright I see is the bolts of lightning.  It's not fair.  I'm not a bad guy.  And I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.  It's really getting to me.

I'm caught in an unwinnable situation where my wife needs the drugs to continue functioning (she has fibromyalgia and is always in alot of pain) so they're always in the house SOMEWHERE; and I know this. When I quit drinking, I just QUIT STOCKING THE FRIDGE. NO PROBLEM. If there wasn't anything to drink, I didn't have to think about drinking it.  If the pills weren't there I don't think I'd be in this spot, but her needs have to come first so she can take care of my son.  It's my responsibility to NOT take the pills; but so far I have been fighting this for almost a year and I'm STILL LOOSING !!!!!!!!  I don't know what to do, but I am totally despondent, depressed, and I feel really, really alone in this.  I keep thinking that if I were stronger, I could do it.  But I know that "strength" "willpower" "fortitude" are all meaningless. I've proven this to myself a dozen times.   Granted, I'm not the junky I was a year ago  but even taking 1 or 2 every few weeks is just proof that I'm still a really messed up person.  Last weekend it came to a head, again with her threatening divorce, hellfire, and damnation.  And I know all this, and HAVE known all this and heard it before.  But I still click into this sick autopilot mode and take her pills.  I'm so deeply ashamed of this and so sick at myself that I can't even admit it at meetings (that's why I'm telling all of y'all about it).  I hate this shame/guilt/anger/resentment/self loathing and I can't go on.

I need help.

Thanks for listening

(oh, and she's tried padlock them up in a closet AND inside the closet, in a fireproof lockbox;  it turns out that as a Georgia Tech graduate that I'm a fairly smart guy with high manual dexterity and determination. In short, I can pick just about any lock....)

[Shotrock]

Look dude your not a bad guy and I think you are a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for, we all have the power of choice if we choose to use it.  If it really is only 1-2 pills every 2-3 weeks then relax not that big a deal. you should stop, don't get me wrong, but 1-2 pills every 3 weeks? Very managable situation relax..........

[Spacemonkey]

Thanks for the help.  I still feel like a real looser for continuing to repeat the same behavior....  I know it's the addiction talking and doing, but this is not really a consolation prize when you're letting down the person who loves you.  The WORST of it was a few weeks ago when  I went to visit my father in FLA.  I got cold busted swiping my stepmother's Vicodin.  Talk about wanting to die....  I'm still horrified by my behavior.

The weird part of it is that it isn't a "regular" thing.  It's just every 2-3 weeks this happens and only for 1-2 pills...  I'm not "physically" addicted anymore and haven't been for almost a year so WHY IN THE HELL AM I STILL PULLING THE PIN ON THE GRENADE!!!!!!!!!!   I like the suggestion that keeps the pills at work, but she's a stay-at-home mom so that's a good idea, but not possible.

It's just so frustrating that after kicking alcohol for FIVE YEARS, I can't kick THIS.... For me, alcohol was easy (meetings, reading, etc... for the past 3 years I've actually had dreams of being at parties where old friends offer me a beer and I actually say in my dream "No thanks, I don't drink". Weird.), but it's just not working for the opiates. And every time I take 1 I feel like a total rotten *******.  It's like every time I see that padlock, I know what's behind it and it hits me like a cold wet turkey.  I didn't have to deal with this with alcohol. This time I do and I'm not handling it well at all....

I can't do rehab for 3 reasons (1) cost -insurance doesn't cover it and I'm not "medically" withdrawing (2) job - they'd LOVE to lord this over my head like the Sword of Damoclese

I go to meetings 3-4 times/wk (i live in a small town and there aren't many meetings around). I try to read "junkie lit" (my slang for the AA books), and I try to tell myself every day the 1st "3 steps" of the Big 12.  This time, it's just not sticking and I'm scared to death and completely baffled WHY.

This is how sick my brain is:  I've actually considered just going "hell for leather" pill crazy for about 6-8 weeks JUST so I could get into a rehab on "medical neccessity" reasons..... how twisted is that?

[feohmoon]

I understand your self destructive behavior as I have displayed it time and time again.  I only wish I could tell you what changed for my fiance and I to make the decision to stop.  We have access as well, which adds a degree of difficulty.  Having a proper and positive mindset makes all the difference.
Read our jounal...and many others as there is alot of great information that can help you.
Best of luck and continue posting....and reading.
Peace

[worried878]

Hard I know...truth is tho we can all get them if we want them bad enough most of the time....it is a tough battle..if u can kick the alcohol, which is around everywhere as well, u can do this too...takes will power but u must have that to be able to come as far as you have....keep posting

[Rose703]

Well I was going to suggest a safe, but it looks like you can crack that one. I also have had the same problem where if I knew the pill bottle was somewhere in the house I would tear it apart looking for them. Here's what worked for me. My hubby who has pain issues and needs them still gets them and I know this, but instead of him hiding them in the house he has them at work and only brings a few home for when he might need one. He keeps them tucked away somewhere and never takes them in front of me.
I'm 11 days clean today and I think as time passes we will be stronger and not constantly try to sniff out that bottle!! PM me if you want to chat!!

[kim715]

My heart goes out to you. When I was taking pills I also worked for a cleaning service and I would steal my customers pills from them,some of whom were really sick and needed them badly. I would tell myself I'm not going to do it today or I would have my partner clean the room I knew the pills were in,but I never controlled my addiction.Before I left their house I had some pills in my pocket.I have never told anyone that until just now. I know how horrible that feeling is that guilt,but unfortunately we are addicts and when we are in the madness of our addiction all we can think about is feeding that addiction. It doesn't make you a horrible person,itsimply makes you an addict. We have broken brains,we make rash and most of the time bad decisions and then we use a little more to cover up the pain,guilt,and anger of those decisions. What about an inpatient stay at rehab? Have you ever been?