Shame on me WEAK

[stilltrying1965]

Well lots of you no me.  I feel ashamed'embarrassed'weak and a let down on my family. I was clean then I used not heroin crack cocain but there is no difference. The only difference is that I think it's easier to stop no physical pain but me mentally IT drained me. I'm not proud of my drug use infact I feel like a loser a nobody. I'm a waste of space a looser a failure. And the reason I used boredom what a joke. Into longer have a drug councillor cut backs they say. But I believe that it's that they don't care about drug addicts. I don't know if I can do this again get clean again how many times will I relapse can I get clean and stay clean.I have issues lots of them but so do others and they don't use. I have a feeling that I will pay the ultimate penalty for my drug use if it's not one thing it's another. I won't hide my problems if ppl don't like me then so be it. Iv lost my grandson Joe.i have also a son who is serving22years in prison for murder. I don't condone what my son did but I will not hate him for what he done I love him he is my boy. Some people may not like what he did and if that rubs of on me well so be it. He has served 11 years of a 22 year jail sentence for a double shooting. It's so hard for me and Kim. We have never celebrated birthdays x mas extra. I mean we don't even put up an x mas tree in 11 years it's just to hard. I know most will say he deserves it but my son was left to die in a back garden shot and beating with the barrel of a shotgun his head caved in. How' he survived only god knows he was in a coma for two months. I love my boy and me and Kim go through hell everyday. I'll. say this once it was my boy or them. They kept pushing him into a corner then he reacted. This is why I keep relapsing we hurt everyday of life. So I'm useing crack trying to make myself happy but it does not work. I would understand if nobody answers me I keep letting myself my family down. So if I'm not worth helping or are you wasting your time I do understand. What would you do if he were your son would you disownhim. I hope not. Yes it's still not an exscuse  . Very unhappy james

[dominosarah]

James, you and i have known each other for a long time so you know how i roll here.  I totally get you have been faced with many tragedies but it is time to stop using that as an excuse to use.  You have been facing this mountain for a long time and you expect that mountain to move on its own.  YOU have to move that mountain.  It is time to dig deep and stop this insanity.  All you are doing is causing more pain for you and your loved ones.  Honor Wee Joe by getting some help.  Your son will be out of prison before you know it. Show that young man that change does happen and be a role model.  He will need help getting back to the real world.  Deal with your demons James.  Do it for you.  Sending love and hugs to you my friend~

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you Sarah I have started all over again I have just started my 2nd day of all mind altering substances.and it's hard but will keep moving forward.Thank you for your support and encouragement it does mean a lot.most of my family are not happy with me I'm not happy with myself James

[atthebeach]

James we will never give up on you. I hope and pray you don't give up on yourself. You are worth the fight James.
You have been clean and sober James and you know what you need to do to maintain your sobriety.
James life certainly can have much sadness and heartaches. We need to live life on its terms. I am so sorry for the heartaches you and your family have endured.
James you know continuing to use will only make things worse for you and your loved ones.
James please get back to therapy, get a check up at the doctors, get into support groups, go to church, talk to a clergymen. We love you James and we are here for you.
Keep the faith James. There is always hope.
Sending hope, prayers and comfort.
Much love, Debbie

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.i have reached out got another drug councillor.rome.was north built in a day.i have to do this there is no other option or I will die that's the bottom line. I will share my journey with you. This is it for me I have to get it right. You all must be tired of listening to me go on about my problems.thank you all so much for your support .. james

[spider6]

Oh James.....I'm so sorry for you.  You're in a bad place dear man......don't move.  Just don't do anything until this cloud thins out a little. Just wait it out until you can move in the "right" direction.  Greet advice above.  If you do something harmful to yourself you will just make life so much worse for your remaining loved ones.  You don't want them to feel like you do now, do you? Praying for you James....your soul needs replenishing.  It is tired and sad....you need rest.  Please don't stop getting counsel........don't stop reaching for help. You have value.....you've just lost your way. You are loved James.

[stilltrying1965]

Spider I also wish you many thanks for your support and encouragement. I have to save me Thanks again Spider

[jugglin]

You are worth saving James.  Save yourself.  Only you can take the steps in that direction. Please see a therapist or a doctor. Do this for wee Joe...do this for your son so that you live to see him return to you and celebrate holidays again....do this for Kim...but above all else, do this for you James. You will never be judged or turned away at MH.  You will always have friends who love you here.  Much love to you James!

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you juggling you comments mean a lot.ive just started my 2nd day clean and.im feeling it Thanks for your support hugs James

[meegWpaw]

love you  James.  there is no shame.  there is nothing for you to be ashamed of.  for what?  being a human being?  being sensitive?  having feelings?  we love you James.

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you needy I feel I've let me and every one down. I still feel the grief of losing wee joe I miss him so much.Thank you meegy for your support and encouragement it means a lot to me hugs James

[vicki595]

James-
None of us get through this life unscathed. You've had your share of pain and heartache but you're not alone. You've known many members here for a long time so you know everyone has a story. Horrible childhood, abuse, poverty, illness...myriad problems and reasons to abuse drugs and alcohol.  You know it doesn't work to use; it doesn't make you happy.

You're worth the support you get here and you've done wonderfully.  No one can take away the clean time you've acquired.   But no one can get you straight but you. You're going to have to reach, again, in your area.

You need some help from a therapist; a doctor. You are depressed and maybe some anti depressants will help. It's worth a try. You feel like crap now so you've got absolutely nothing to lose.

I know the healthcare situation there can take time but get the wheels in motion now. You're dwelling in everything that's bad but I know there's a flip side. Get a grip, work on better mental health, and participate in the holidays.  A little faith might help, too.

Stay in touch-  xo

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you Vicki I will try harder this time I keep letting me down. I've had lots of ups and downs But need to get this right for meThank you for your support and encouragement I do appreciate it hugs James

[jifmoc]

James. When recovery doesn't happen, relapse does. Get into AA or NA asap. 90 meetings in 90 days. Get a sponsor. Do what they tell you. Listen to the people in the rooms that have significant sober time. That's it. No excuses.

[stilltrying1965]

Thank you bro and you are right I need to work my recovery for me to keep clean thanks again bro

[SJS49]

You're welcome for listening. Many people on here (as you know) will swear by aftercare, N/A, A/A as it helps to treat the reason for the relapses. You were doing so good before, just try again. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! You are worth fighting for. I think that you should try to go see like a psychologist or psychiatrist type of counselor or better yet, a grief counselor. I saw a grief counselor for a while (not for drugs) and she really helped me alot. And I'll bet that will help take away some of the want to continue using. Does your son have to stay in the whole 22 years (11 more years) or is he eligible for the 3/4 time that all prisons seem to have implemented over the last couple years due to overcrowding. I'm not sure where you are, but that is how it is in California. Try going to church and talking to a pastor, preacher, priest, etc about this. They can be very great! Find something that you still find joy in. I'm serious about the boxing or kickboxing or something...you'll be suprised how much better you will feel just to get that aggression out.

[SJS49]

Hey James...I'm so sorry about all the hurt you guys are going through :( that's very sad. Have you tried going to a regular counselor? Not a drug counselor? I would certainly not disown my son, no matter what he did. I have four sons, and they mean the world to me. If they acted in self-defense or even not, then I still would not disown any of them! And no one should tell you that you should! You are worth helping! I'm sure your son and your wife would both agree! Think of how awful they would feel if you were gone? My husband is an alcoholic, and although I get beyond Pissed off at him, if he were to drink himself to death or die of alcohol poisoning, I would be absolutely devastated! He has all kinds of legal problems, etc due to alcohol abuse, but I am still convinced he is worth saving and I wish above anything he would get some help and realize what he is doing to those he still has in his life and that love him. If he is worth saving, then so are you. Don't be so down on yourself. You are not a loser or a failure...try and try again. I tried over and over and over to get off pain pills, and if I ever happened to relapse for whatever reason, I would just try again. Do not let yourself pay the ultimate price for drug use...it is so not worth it, but your life is worth it! Have you tried getting an exercise addiction instead of drugs? Or boxing, kickboxing, etc...that will let you expell alot of the rage, anger, depression, etc that you are feeling and it would also help release endorphins, and endorphins make you feel good, maybe not 100% happy, but happier. And in memory of your grandson and because your son in prison would love it, why don't you put up a christmas tree, and let the spirit of the holiday fill your heart. Your wife may like it also. Do you have any other family that you get together with or could get together with? And are you doing an N/A program or anything? Please respond. I do not feel like you are wasting my time one bit. This forum is all about support and compassion and helping people in their time of need, right? I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I'm a good listener.

[stilltrying1965]

I feel there is nothing anybody can do. Iv got clean and I keep failing I don't go to any meetings not now no drug councillor nothing. My life is not good I love my son I can't hate him. If ppl new the reason but there is no reason for taking a life. I wish I could do this can someone give me some good advise. I'm sorry for what my boy done. I also miss wee Joe my grandson so much it still hurts. I have never put a tree up since my son went too prison it's not the same without him. My life is full of hurt pain and tears. I thank you so much for listening sjs your friend ''mmmJames