Avatar universal

Should I try and seek for help ? Where ?

Hi people ,

Just discovered the website trying to get some info on speed comedown and it lead to some kind of a reflection about myself and a question popped up in my mind : Should I get help ?

I am pretty sure I could use some, even if now my situation is still pretty much Ok , I don't feel like my life is gowing toward an amelioration. My main problem is that I can't bear to be left alone with my thoughts. It seems stupid like that I know, but I just hate that situation and will try anything to avoid it by any means, most of the time unconsciously . It results in a more or less heavy consumption of a lot of drugs.

Lets start with a precision ; I am not what you could call a « hard drug » drug addict . Regarding hard drugs I mostly consume party drugs such as MDMA, Cocaine,Speed and E. So not that often.

Recently , whithout me actually noticing, there was a slight shift in my consumption.

I have been a heavy cannabis smoker for years now, I don't know how long exactly , probably 6-8years. I used to smoke a lot of small joints before but its been a few months now that I don't feel the product to be efficient enough. I have increased my consumption from 0,5 to 1+ gram/ day these past few months and still feels its not enough. I buy a few beers at the supermarket, end up getting shitfaced on my own ( only some night thank god but happens often enough to be mentionned here).

As I said before party drugs used to be very occasional. I remember that Decembre last year I bought my first ever gram of ( real;) ) cocaine.
From April this year I started to go out a lot more than I used to and thus my consumption rose as well, both of drugs and especially of alcohol.Younger, not that I am old now, I am 26, I used to get a real good control over myself, I was always able to be drunk, most of the times too much, but not too the point it gets to now. I barely remember any party I drunk alcohol at for the past few months and I have had way more than once a week ! I always end up really drunk, because I believe I am craving the feeling of being drunk, I want it quick and hard.
Obviously it often does not end well, mostly for me, I behave in such ways when drunk ( very outgoing yet very aggressive and a complete lack of self control, tolerance 0 to any kind of frustration ), I often feel so down in the morning piecing together the previous night which only triggers my need to forget yet again...

Regarding the illegal hard drugs. I learned to love cocaine despite its price, I love how everything feels so good and natural when you are under , plus the energy boost is nice too . I don't take much MDMA but sometimes I would take Extasy or Speed such as tonight, depending on what's available.
I actually just discovered that these can be addictive too ( I knew about Cocaine but am especially careful with it given how good it is;just sniffed by day on ¾ occasions in order to make the coming down easier or go back to party ) . In my mind there was no point in doing MDMA two days in row , how can addiction be possible then ? For example , are'nt you supposed to be all depleted and stuff ? But probably I am missing something cause Cocaine would be the same according to my logic. Anyway, as you can see I am getting lost in my own thoughts. This is not a preestablished train of thoughts, I apologize if its tedious, out of focus or just plain stupid:)

To get back to the subject of this text, I am definitely not addicted to these substances physically but they become a much larger part of my night life, what used to be a once every  6-8 months turned into more of a weekly rendez-vous. Here the purposes are different, it is mostly about endurance ( I would never take these if I am in a normal club (as opposed to a rave or hardcore party for instance) unless friends are taking, again except maybe for cocaine sometimes if I don't feel confortable), desinibition, overall feel good sensation.

So.... Lets try and make a short conclusion ;

I am not physically addicted to any hard drug ( only tobacco). I think I could say a few months back with absolute certainty I did not have a problem with alcohol but I am not so sure I can say that anymore. I now consume alcohol quite regularly ( beer only at home ) in conjunction with cannabis when it used to be an emergency replacement product only. Add to the count the numerous times I have been out these past 7 months and the fact that I never even tried once to drink responsibly.
I am probably ( you know how it goes, its 8,30am , I am coming home directly from partying still pretty much a lot ****** up, I have little trust in my capacities to stick to this plan but hope putting this in writting will have an impact, thus « probably ») ) going to try and stop completely alcohol for at least a 2 weeks period and see how it goes. I have a lot of work to do so its the perfect moment not to be sollicited by peer pressure. Your opinion on the matter is welcome ( just like on any other btw ) .

I am a big cannabis consumer. Although I don't believe in physical withdraw regarding the product I am dependent psycholigicaly , up to a point that, even though I know I have the capacities to do so I don't think I would be able to stop myself without another product coming into play. I am basically adicted at being addicted , or in another state of mind than my own , as long as the job is done its what matters the most. I believe my anxiety when in an unknown or unconfortable environments could be linked to this consumption ( maybe I am just being paranoid ^^)

My rising consumption of hard drugs is also worrying. Because its not very clear before , lets talk numbers. I am probably being paranoid here because my consumption has been pretty low so far.
I basically consumed less than 20 grams of cocaine lifetime, 1 gram of MDMA, around 20 E, 2 grams of speed. I am far from matching the profile of a longterm addict and I do realise my preocupations might be silly , please do tell if so !

Addiction is a very insidious process that is often noticed once its too late. I don't want to realise in a few years that I became a polytoxicoman whithout even realising it. Also withdraw involves not touching the product ever again, which I don't really intented to, just be able to do it in a "healthy" mind set.

When I look back at this (wall of) text , something jumps to my face, it all comes down to surrendering to illusions and avoiding my actual problems I think. I could be mistaking but drugs are probably more of a symptom of me not being able/willing to deal with my life ;
Therefore I am guessing it is there I should start digging, I just don't know where to start or what to do so I turn to you guys !

If you made it till the ends.... well …......Congrats and thanx.
4 Responses
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15290316 tn?1447023108
First of all, you used the words amelioration and polytoxicoman in your post...so I know you are far too intelligent to allow yourself to fall into an addition without knowing the next steps in the process.
I also know that you have had one hell of a night and that you're in a philosophical mood!
It would seem to me that you are not an addict in normal terms, but rather you are addicted to your care-free, party lifestyle where saying no to whatever comes your way on a weekend bender is not an option. I will say this, the drugs you are taking at social gatherings right now have less potential to cause physical dependence, but this free spirited opinion of party enhancement drugs could easily lead you down a path towards drugs that can ruin your life, like H, Oxy, Fentanyl, etc. These drugs do not become the occasional monthly high at parties. They become your life, and the primary vehicle which propels you life into a downward spiral. If you keep up with your lifestyle, your nondiscriminatory partying with all types of substances will eventually lead you to a drug of choice...one that will enter your day to day life no matter how much destruction it leaves in it's wake.

I know the speed was talking a bit to us tonight, so tomorrow, when you feel a bit clearer, please talk to us and let us know if we can offer some words of support!
Helpful - 0
Thank you for your answer, you're probably right on a number of points, I'll get back to it once I have slept as suggested :)
Avatar universal
Hi...well going back a wile when I was 26  I was a lot like you  its called a addict of opportunity  we do what ever is there...first I want to say is your messing around with had drugs  this is no game  most people do not understand it is the mental part of addiction that will destroy you life  as you can see by your post  your beginning to use more and more often  this is a progressive disease and will only get worst with time......just because your not in the gutter does not mean you dont have a problem....I was a high functioning addict with high paying jobs in sales that only fueled my addiction  you seam to justify your use witch is one of the characteristic of a addict  you have addict behavior and your drinking is causing you to not remember the night b/4.....you my friend are a addict like it our not  if your still not sure check out a few N/A meetings your still young and can change your path b/4 you ruin your life...........Gnarly
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
In all that you wrote to us, imo, this is key:

"My main problem is that I can't bear to be left alone with my thoughts. It seems stupid like that I know, but I just hate that situation and will try anything to avoid it by any means, most of the time unconsciously . It results in a more or less heavy consumption of a lot of drugs."

It doesn't matter WHAT the substance IS....or HOW MUCH....or HOW OFTEN.......
What matters is what HAPPENS to us when we USE THE SUBSTANCE.

You are young; you are choosing a lifestyle that is getting its hooks in you.

You said your main problem is that you can't bear to be left alone with your thoughts.....and will to anything to avoid that.

It would be prudent at this stage of your life to stop analyzing and justifying your substance abuse/use and find out WHY you are masking the inability to be left alone with your own thoughts.  One-on-one counseling would be a good start.  Or a support group for addicts that actually walks you thru steps that reveal the root of why we want to mask our most basic instincts.

You are on a dangerous road....I wasn't much older than you when I decided that I needed to get some help...because no substance was washing away my inner pain.  I hadn't hit a bottom, or lost anything (YET)...but I was losing myself.  You have a very full life ahead of you.....one that doesn't need to be full of heartache.  Addiction is progressive....but we can choose to find some answers before we lose the things most precious to us.  I hope you choose YOU....because you are so worth it~
Helpful - 0
13565897 tn?1430515982
bro, if your think that you are losing yourself its already happening.. you seem educated in the way you think and write so im hoping by asking the question "am I an addict" you most likely are and the use the numerous DOC seems to me you will use whatever is at hand to escape something that is bothering you and maybe you should talk to someone about what you are feeling because let me give you a tip.. if you continue with the every other day routine of partying with weed, coke, MDMA etc. you eventually will lose everything including your mind and all the attempts to rationalize your use of these drugs will eventually destroy you and you will be left like every other addict one day wondering what happened to Me???
Helpful - 0
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