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Avatar universal

Should I turn my heroin addicted daughter into the police?

I don't know wht else to do!! I found out 2 yrs ago this summer that my, now, 25 yr old daughter is a heroin addict. It began with "experimenting" with oxy, and that lead to heroin. I live in anohter state, and have flown to where she lives numerous time to try to give "tough love".. I took away the car I bought her (for college), I called the police on her because one day I found out (from my youngest daughter) taht she was driving while high/drunk...etc..etc..My daughter's father has been 100% enabling her: lieing ot the police, paying for her apartment, car, car insurance, utilities, food, anad college classes (that she never attended). I have called him numersous times, begging him to do an Intervention with me and her two sisters..he hangs up on me and refuses to confront her as "he doesn't want her to hate him". (When I turned her into the police for driving while high and drunk, the last words I have heard from her mouth was:" I hate you and wish you would die, and if you died tomorrow, I wouldn't go to your funeral" and that was August of 2009)...

I don't know what else to do!! She will only speak to her younger sister. Last Dec. (2009) she went to detox. the
"plan" was that her father will take her to rehab immediately after detox..Her enabling father did a "180" and allowed her to go back to her apartment. thus, back to heroin...

Most recently, my younger daughter told me that she had heard my heroin addicted daughter has turned to prostitution to pay for her drugs..and my addicted daughter "was" a wonderful, happy, healthy, college student who played 2 years of college volleyball!! Now she is a heroin addict and a prostitute!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN??

Just this last Feb. (2010) she was arrested for shoplifting. They searched her bag and found heroin. I contacted the prosecuting DA. We had a couple of great conversations. The DA was extremely helpful, and even spoke to her aobut her future after the hearing!! I sent a 3 page letter BEGGING that the court sentence her to a jail term with court ordered  detox and rehab...she only received "probation", as they had to  follow the law pertaining to "first offenders"..

My daughter needs help!! No one will help me, help her, except her younger sister.

Plus, I live in another state, which makes it more difficult trying to help "long distance".

Her father will NOT do "tough love" and, as mentioned, "covers up for her"..even when he found out she was prostituting herself out, his statement to my younger daughter was, "well..at least she is paying for her own things a little"..Her "father" should be jailed, too!!!

Should I call the police and inform them that there is illegal drug use going on in her apartment? I feel that this will be the only way to save her life!! At least in jail, she can "detox" and perhaps see "normally" and decide to go to rehab!! Right now, she is seeing the world through "heroin haze" and does not want help..

What should I do??
33 Responses
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Avatar universal
Hello ....
I know this is an extremely Old Post. But as I was reading this post it was breaking my heart. I hope you reach out to this Old Post and please let us know how everyone's doing at this point in their lives. I think I can help you if this is still an issue which if she is clean I'm sure she is still fighting the disease because that's what it is. A total full-blown disease. I just care about so many and just want to help if I can. Looking forward to hearing from you. Sending prayers and positive vibes.

Trust me there's brighter days ahead and I pray she's already found them.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hello ....
I know this is an extremely Old Post. But as I was reading this post it was breaking my heart. I hope you reach out to this Old Post and please let us know how everyone's doing at this point in their lives. I think I can help you if this is still an issue which if she is clean I'm sure she is still fighting the disease because that's what it is. A total full-blown disease. I just care about so many and just want to help if I can. Looking forward to hearing from you. Sending prayers and positive vibes.

Trust me there's brighter days ahead and I pray she's already found them.
Helpful - 0
10623623 tn?1414292089
This thread is pretty old. You might want to start a new one if you would like some good advice. Best of luck to you.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Hello ...
I'm still trying to figure out why they leave such outdated information and posts on this site? I just don't get that. When I respond to someone's post and then like an idiot I look up top and it's like an 18 year old post. I really get mad at myself.  lol.... So I guess I'll look at the year before I respond.
Have a great day. Keep smiling. :) :)
Avatar universal
My head is spinning not knowing which direction to go next. The only time I would hear from the rehabs is when it was time for money to be paid. My daughter had my name as a contact but thanks to HIPPA I could only give info about her but not get any information. How can you help your helpless loved one. She was diagnosed with every disorder under the sun. Medications like you wouldn't believe.  So many that it was impossible to keep track. She has done all drugs for the most part, crack. Herion, and ... even worse!  My husband said like it or not she is on a roller coaster and we are along for the ride. It's so scary so sad and so heartbreaking!
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271792 tn?1334979657
Can I get an AMEN?
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Avatar universal
I guess this is a little late and I pray that everything went ok. I scrolled through briefly and found missing the one sure answer. Jesus. Those who the Son set free are free indeed. Find Jesus and ask for His help. Let His love save your family! PLease Father, in Jesus name, bring miracles and your salvation (not just soul but salvation from bondage) to all these families. Let your miracle working power pour out over them and your name be glorified! In Jesus name, Amen! God bless you all. By His stripes, we are healed.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Hello ....
I totally get that you're religious that shows. I love God I pray often. And I'm sure every single human being that is dealing with a loved one that is addicted to any drug they pray a lot. But to come on here and just spew out a prayer like this is a church was really not that fair. God bless all that's addicted to any drug. You have to remember this is a disease and one hell of a disease.
Please everyone hang in there because there's better days ahead I promise. Bless all.........
Avatar universal
You really dont want that on your daughter's record. Even if she comes off of Heroin, its going to become really hard for her to find a career with a felony. And after trying to get a job but being a felon, I predict her to go Right back to heroin...

You should do A Lot of Persuasion, and talk her in to admitting herself, or something to that Effect.

Or simply call a Drug couselor and ask them what the best line of action should be?
Helpful - 0
1428440 tn?1287390379
This thread is over 5 months old. If you would like some answers it would be best to start a new thread. You can do that by going to the button on top and post a new question. You can cut and paste you question there and when it is posted you will get more replies. I wish you luck with you journey for your daughters recovery.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi
My daughter is 25, She is addicted to heroin and has a blood infection that is in her heart. It almost shut down her kidneys and went in her herat. She walked out of a hospital. She went back when she got worse. She needs 6 weeks anti-biotics from the infection being in her heart. If she doesn't stay she will get worse and eventually  die and she lives with two friends that still do the drug. On ehas warrents out on him.They have visited her in the hospital and snuck the drug into her. They pretended to be family and snuck it in the whole time even when the hospital discovered it and get a watch on her room.

Even worse, she signed herself out against medical advice. She looked terrible, so pale and thin. Her arms are marked by a serious infections. A doctor said she will get sicker and die without treatment. Nothing we say means anything to her.
Some one suggested calling the police because one of te guys she lives with is wanted on bench warrents for serious crimes. There is urgency because they are moving November 1 and we may never know where Nicole is after that.

There is some concern that something will go wrong. I thought of calling and saying we are neighbors and have children and see a lot of activity there that could be drugs and fear they have a gun. A friend even volunteered to call for us. Any advice would be appreciated. Would you call the police to hopefully arrrest them and get her treatment?

Heartbroken,

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just placed a police report tonight on my daughter, 23.  She has been and addict for years and pleading for help.  she has been in and out of recovery programs...  out patient, in patient, short term and long term.  She was in jail for 6 months for steeling from her brother to get money for her drugs.  then transferred to long term.  She trived.  They LOVED her.  She graduated and then the stresses of LIFE, JOB and BOYFRIEND found her lost and depressed and she began using here and there.  She put herself in out patient again.  THEN she found out she was pregnant.  Tried to get back on track.  Had fights with the babies father and broke down and used again.  I picked her up from the city high on heroin.  She called for help.  I drove her straigt the her Counselors office.. they put her in the hospital and then moved her into a long term facilitly for Pregnant women.  She was doing well .... and begining to show.  She started getting very depressed not being home or with her Boyfriend.  Got in a fight with the counselors at the rehab and walked out... we told her she could not live with us until she finished the program because we just knew she was emotionally mature or stable enough..  We had to SEE some long clean time and a change.  She is bright and beautiful....  really.  But her drug addiction has her in its grips still.
Anyhow, a few days ago, she came into my house in the middle of the night, stole my purse and took my bank card and stole $400 from my account... later she addmitted it was to bail a friend out of jail.  Then I researched it and that wasn't true.  She admitted to using and spent it ALL.
SHE IS 4 MOS. PREGNANT.  Now I have to worry about the baby and HER!  I cried and cried and cried... AGAIN!  I just did not know what to do.  All of the counselors, nar anon folks, etc. agreed I had to turn her in.  She may hate me (but i know she wont forever, really) but, like you said, I KNOW she'll be safe in jail at least the baby may have a clean start.  She was on probation from before, so she'll go back to jail and hopefully she'll go back COURT ORDERED again to LONG TERM rehab.  SHE has to suffer the consequences of her behavior!  I know that, and this is a consequence.  I am sick and heartbroken.. again.  I LOVE her so very much and she knows that too.  I know this is a disease..  but i just do not want her to kill herself or this baby.  God I pray and pray and pray....... all day every day.  
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Avatar universal
Thank you, again, for sharing! It help me SO MUCH in trying to "understand" the "WHY" question!

As mentioned, I thought about everyting you wrote to me last night, and I tried to piece together what happened to her...what her "demons" are...I "think" what happend to her, is that she had a couple of relationships, in a row, with guys who probably "used" her, then "dumped" her. She moved to Arizona in 2005 with her volleyball buddy, and attended ASU. She met a guy, fell in love, and basically gave her life to him..quit playing volleyball, and went to classes "off and on". This guy seemed nice (I flew down to Arizona to visit her several times, and met this guy). After a year he "dumped" her. She was devestated..She then met this other guy. I met him, too. He was kind of a "bad boy" type. He decided to move back to Minnesota (he is Norwegian, as we are, and she felt a very strong connection with him). She decided to move to Minnesota with him, and didn't tell me until she was in Minnesota. I told her that I thought it was a mistake, as she had no family, or friends in Minnesota, and she quit school to move there with him, etc.. etc.. 6 months, he dumped her..Again, she was devestated. She had a job, but no family or friends, etc..and she wasn't going to school. I flew one of her cousins back to Minnesota to help her move back to the Northwest. I financed her move. I told her she could move in with me, and my husband, in Cali., but she didn't know anyone down here, and decided to back to the Northwest. From what my youngest daughter told me, once my drug addict daughter arrived back in Oregon, she "re-connected" with some of her old high school friends. One of these friends, ahd gone down the "drug path". (And these kids were good kids..I knew all of them through HS sports). Apparently, she was "talked into" trying Oxy..she immediately got hooked, and graduated to heroin...during this time, my youngest daughter found out about the drug abuse. She called me, crying, etc.. I had just been diagnosed with breat cancer, had bi-lateral mastectomie, and was on heavy chemo treatments...I flew up, inbetween chemo treatments. and tried to talk to my drug addicted daughter..she lied to e and told me that "there was nothing wrong"...A few months later, is when my youngest daughter told me that my drug addict daughter was driving "high and drunk"...that is when I flew up and took my car back ( I had bought her a brand new car when she moved to Arizona)..again..I tried to talk her into going into rehab..she ignored me..a few months later, I flew up again, and again, she was driving high and drunk. (Her father had given her one of his cars). That was August of 2009. That was when I called the police in hopes she would be picked up and forced into court ordered rehab. That is when she told me, "I hate you and wish you would die, and if yuo died tommorrow, I wouldn't go to your funeral"..Long story, but I think the "WHY" question, may be that she had "2" bad relationships with guys in a row, she even moved to another state to be with the last boyfriend, only to be dumped...I think she felt guilty for not playing VB anymore,  etc.. (She began attending college, again, once she moved back to Oregon, but I think she dropped out after Fall of 2009)...so maybe the "WHY" is that she had her heart broken BIG TIME twice in a row...maybe that sent her over the edge...Just an idea....

You are right...She is on my mind EVERY day..I have cried a river of tears over her and not knowing what to do to help her get well..

It has put a strain on my relationship with my husband, as he is so mad at ehr biological father, and he is sick of seeing me so sad..I try to hide my sadness from him now.

Thank you..I will try to take care of myself, emotionally..My oncologist keeps telling me to eliminate all stresses, as the "healing" process is so important, and stress and cause the healing process to slow down...so..I  try not to think about it...

You are right..sometimes we just have to "let go" as it really IS up to the drug addict to WANT to get help....

Thank you so much for caring and sharing!! It helps me tremendously!!
Helpful - 0
340590 tn?1290952141
What a sad story.  My heart breaks for you.  You have gotten some good advise here, but the bad part is, you cant help her til she wants it.  I would like to add that you could benefit from some al-anon meetings.  They are meetings for the family of addicts.  There you can learn how to help her, even from afar.  I wish you the best and will keep your family in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Shucks, I was hoping she was still in school. It is just my opinion but I still think, because of her most recent "career choice" and her combined drug use, an intervention is the way to go for her. Interventions are difficult and have to be done properly and with a profession present. Even then, she could run. It's a crap shoot of sorts but often when the addict is surrounded by loved ones that are pleading, they may give in.

You asked what made me choose heroin. Good question. I had said yesterday that your daughter was running, hiding if you will, from her feelings. Well, I found that heroin did that for me. I started using drugs at 13 and did not get clean at first until I was 35. I spent many years chasing that "quick fix" and running from anything that even remotely resembled a feeling. I ran from life and in the beginning heroin helped me do that successfully. Once addicted (and it happens very quickly), there is no where to hide.

Again, my heart breaks for you. I know the pain is intense and I am certain she is on your mind every minute. Sometimes, there is nothing we can do. Sometimes we just have to let go and pray for the best. She may get arrested on her own, maybe more than once, and turn things around. You don't know. Yet I know in the meantime you will think of everything you can and try everything you can. I understand that and admire you for it.

Please take care of YOURSELF during all of this. It is important for you to stay healthy and strong.
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Avatar universal
Good morning to you, IBKLEEN!

I, too, thought about everything you wrote/said after I logged off last night, and I REALLY am learning and absorbing everything you, and others, have told me!

Unfortunately, my daughter is no longer going to college. I am not sure "when" she quit going and dropped out, but I think it was after Fall term of 2009. GREAT idea, though, to see if her college has drug counseling programs!

Wow...your story is very interesting AND touching!! Thank you for sharing!! You could write a book, or there could be a movie, telling your story...or, even give speeches at junior highs or high schools!! MANY people could benefit from hearing your story!!

I have a question for you, and if it is too personal, most definitely you don't have to answer, but you mentioned heroin was your "drug of choice"...why did you choose to try heroin?
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Morning!

You were on my mind last evening after I got off line.

I have forgotten, is she still in college? What I was thinking of was some kind of intervention to get her into treatment. Most colleges have counseling available and are very familiar with these types of situations. Maybe you can find out from the college if they offer these services. I cannot tell you how to handle this but it seems she is still angry with you and she may become very defensive if you just show up. I say this because when I was using, I was defensive....very defensive.

My heart goes out to you, and although I did know, you remind me what my family went through with me. It still pains me to this day. I have been clean from heroin for 21-1/2 years. It is my drug of choice but I have chosen not to use it for those years. I too had a promising career and graduated as an Accountant from a prestigious school. I lived in a beautiful home on the Jersey Shore, new car every two years, etc. Next thing you know, I am laying in the streets of Brooklyn. I went from jail to rehab, to jail, to rehab, to jail and to, please GOD, my last rehab.

I am telling you this to tell you I DO KNOW what your daughter is going through and I also know what YOU are going through. It is horrible for any mother to see her daughter go down this path.

Anyway, what do you think of the idea of asking at the college if they have counseling for drug addiction and if they are familiar and are set-up for interventions?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
gotcleanformykids:

THANK YOU!! You are awesome, too!! Thank you!
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Avatar universal
Wow!!

To ALL of you that have spent your time writing to me: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!

As I mentioned before, I am reading EVERY word all of you are saying, I am absorbing the content, and I am learning!!!

It sounds like the consensus is to not turn her into the police, for many really good reasons.

IBKLEEN, I think you are awesome!! Thank you for your opinions, your  honesty, the information you are giving me, and being blunt with me!! I appreciate it so very much!!

My next question:

Should I fly up this summer and go to her aprartment and try to talk to her "face to face"?  (as previously menmtioned, I live in another state. I moved to Cali from Oregon 5 yrs ago. My daughters live in Oregon/Washington. My drug addict daughter lives in Oregon, right outside of Portland). She hates me right now, hasn't spoken to me since August 2009, etc.. Should I fly up and just "show up" at her apartment and try to talk to her, "calmly" of course and with "LOVE".
Helpful - 0
1313244 tn?1273797139
Hi like some of the others on here have said the choice to get clean is with her not anybody eles the cops arnt going to help as all that will do is put another strike on her record I am a addict of painkillers one of the worest 12 to 16 at a time about 40 to 60 a day when rock bottom comes it comes hard I lost everthing I had built for my family a busines,2 homes,cars,all of it gone because of me but. JAIL WILL ONLY HURT HER I know as I was a fireman for my smalltown so the Da and my department made it so I was picked up on the littest thing and kept in jail for detox.The sad thing is they thought they wher giving me tough love but all the did is risk my life as i could have died  That was the worst 5 days of my life I was sick in full withdraw as they dont give you more than tylenol once a day. I tried methodone also after i finaly hit rock bottom and asked for help DID'NT WORK AT ALL tried tapering DID'NT WORK AT ALL then my doctor said one word to me that changed my life SUBOXONE I have been clean sence the first does 6 months ago now I dont even think about painpills. when befor thats all I and right now she thinks about THE NEXT FIX!!!!!! Suboxone is not cheap but if she wants to get clean or you are willing to help as you say get here to a doctor that can give her the med,as not all doc can go to www.soboxone.com and read all about it. you ca also find a doctor close to her where she can go IT WORKS I AM LIVING PROF OF IT. Most of all DO'NT GIVE UP you have to keep trying if not she will be DEAD!!!!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My heart goes out to you.  And shame on your ex, but I suppose he has his own problems, and therefore doesn't have the tools to help.

What about doing an intervention without her dad, just you, her siblings, any cousins or aunts or friends that are for her and love her?  Maybe it would have some impact.

Also, you could check into having her civilly committed.  I very nearly did that with my ex.  I went as far as the courthouse.  I don't think he believed me.  We sat in the lobby of the courthouse and I basically said if he didn't commit himself, then I would.  He eventually signed himself in.  

He did have some legal trouble at the time (but so does your daughter.

Best of luck.
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Avatar universal
I love the posts here especially when we talk about the real problem, which is not the drug itself, it is life and how to deal with life without the drugs. I am no expert I have recovery time, and in the years I have, I KNOW that it hurts you, but you need a program that will help you help her. These forums are great, but there is nothing like face to face contact with others going through your same pain. There is a ton of help out there for you, your daughter, and the father. I wish you the best, and just know that if you ever need help, it's there
Helpful - 0
955456 tn?1316227179
I think Laurel has a very good point... it is SO true that an addict has to decide for themselves that they want to quit!!  I also understand your worry and care about your daughter as well though...

Is there any way you can have something be done, without it being "your fault."  I find that sometimes it is easier for family members to see the light via outside people, rather than family members.  

I am so sorry you are going through this.  This is my biggest fear for my son knowing what I know now.  Do what you feel is right in your heart!
Helpful - 0
617347 tn?1331293081
i feel for you, kej, you're in a soul killing situation for a mother.

what i can't see very clearly is the point : in jail and alive. Are you sure this would be the scenery ? I mean, while in drugs we are so "basic" and our reactions so crazy that she could felt sort of "cornered" and in this situation, the first reaction will be attack, almost an animal/basic reacton,, and she can't attack you more than damaging herself to hurt you, we can be so irrational .... this could be one possibility and also she could detoxed herself compulsory in jail but with hate inside her, she could do drugs once outside and go down the road in high speed then ,  could  it be just an extreme reaction inimaginable ? ..... you know , i wouldn't like taking this risk at this point just yet...

has she ever talked of wanting to leave drugs after the first detox  ?


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Avatar universal
Thank you..I agree with you on all of your points you are sharing with me!

I do understand that addiction is a "disease" and coming from a good community, ect..doesn't mean that a person will not be an addict..(Look at her biological father) I do understand that addiction comes in all shapes, sixes, colors, and socio-economic levels..I guess I was thinking/writing outloud, trying to think of a "reason" she would want to "escape". And, her fall into drug addiction occurred SO FAST!! Fine one week,  drug addict the next week..I just "don't understand what caused it"! And as her mother who loves her with all of my heart, I am  just trying to understand the "WHY" issue...and the "WHAT" happened issue...

I agree completely, that she needs intensive counseling, as she has become a drug addict to "mask" some feelings that are haunting her..I just don't know what happened to her! What  "feelings" are bothering her so deeply??I don't know and she won't talk to me..

I hear you regarding not turning her in to the police. I have thought out every scenerio, every course of action, every  possible way to get through to her, and as previously mentioned, I  came to the conclusion that I would rather see her "alive" and in jail, than "dead"...but...I see your point in that jail time may not be the answer..Man..I wish I knew what the "right" AND "best" thing to do was, as I am terrified she is going to die within a year!!

Thank you so much for your points of view/opinions!! I am listening and an absorbing!!! Thank you!!
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Hi Kej,

You got some very good advise. I would just like to add a few things.

First, I think it would be very helpful to you if you were to do some reading on the "disease" of addiction and understand that it is a disease and that your daughter is sick.

You spoke of a nice community, college degrees, nice family, etc. None of that has anything at all to do with addiction. Addicts come in all sizes, shapes, colors, religions and social backgrounds. Addiction does not discriminate.

The reason I bring this up is if you are approaching your daughter with a "You came from a good background, what is wrong with you" attitude, then she will not get the message. That is not tough love. If you put her down and make her feel like a junkie, she will be a junkie.

Your daughter is using drugs to mask her feelings, to get outside of herself and make herself feel good. There is something, or several things, that she cannot deal with and drugs help her to forget them and not feel them.

Because heroin is such a very hard drug to get off of, I have to suggest a long-term treatment center with intense therapy. If you have the insurance and are able to get her into a good center, that is what I suggest.

As far as calling the police, like it was asked-what are they going to arrest her for? Possession? She will be out in two days and mad as a hornet. Unless she is selling it, there is not much you can get her for. I don't think it is a good idea to turn her in at all, again, that is not tough love and she will resent you for it. Not to mention it could ruin a future career.

I hope that you continue to talk here and listen to the members here before you make a final decision and also read as much as you can. Best of luck to all of you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
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