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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

So Disappointed in myself

I don"t even know where to begin. I have been battling the Lortab addiction for 15 years. I have been on and off this rollercoaster ride for years. I had 3 months clean a short time ago and stuggled thru all the withdrawls and I have Lupus went for my regular checkup and boom I started up again. The day I went in my dr. office I knew better than to take the script because I knew I would fill it but the drug addict in me was on the ride before I even hit the pharmacy!!!! I went through 30 Lotab 10 with 5 refills in 1 1/2 months. Of course that is supposed to last me 6 months but I took as many as I could as fast as I could and refilled them on the day they could be refilled. I can still remember feeling great when I went in to see the Dr. I know what I am in for, I have been through this many times before but this seems worse because Christmas is coming up and I am NOT JOLLY at all. I am a very active 50 year old women with a nice job, I have this Monday And Tuesday off but I have to work the rest of the week. I have a family who does not know and has never known, whenever I go through withdrawl I blame it on the Lupus. I think this withdrawl is going to be much harder because I have some family problems of my own. My husband has bladder cancer and has to go through BCG treatments starting Fruday. His cancer has been caught early and he has no pain with his treatment so no chance of any pain pills for him, he is not an addict like myself. I really need support because I am already in withdrawl, my last Lortab was yesterday at 800 in the morning. I like many of you here am very active in my son's school, worship leader in my church, nice job but the bottom line is I love the way the opiates make me feel. Although this last relapse to be honest except for the first high in the morning was not that great, I SO love the Lortab with my tea in the morning it gave me such energy. Please someone help me through this I feel so alone and dissapointed in myself. Last night I literally sobbed over the loss of my pills, as you all know they are my best friend. I am so irritatable and go from being hot to cold in a skinny minute. I have NOENERGY which is always the hardest thing for me to go through. Please send me some support, I know in a few days I will be over the shakes etc. but I feel so alone. So much is the mental part in knowing I have no pills so I spiral down because I am lost without them. I MISS THEM!!!!! I so want to make it through this I am so tired of it all I just want to crawl into bed because my legs are restless which I do have the restless legs by hylands. Any help would be appreciated I need some help from other struggling addicts.


                                       Magnolia
155 Responses
1148241 tn?1294056396
Are you ready to quit for good or are you just wanting sympathy till you can get a refill?  You already know this is no way to live.  I don't mean to sound harsh I just want to know where your head is.  That feel good feeling from the pills is a false feel good.  They can eventually ruin your life.
1372567 tn?1278521139
do not beat yourself up.we didnt make these pills they are given to us.i have primary M.S. and tons of rebuilds i struggle with the same thing every day.you have just try to stay strong and understand what you are.i am on day 2 of cold turkey i wish it would just go away for you but it wont you have to keep fighting no one else can do it but you.
Avatar universal
I would not post if I was looking for sympathy for a refill. Yes I know this is no way to live that is why I am reaching out for help. My head is to get clean and I was looking for support through the withdrawls, NOT SYMPATHY!!!! Of course I know it is a false feel good but I have a problem with opiates and was looking for maybe somone like me to help me through, they are ruining my life but your comment certainly does not make me feel good about this community . I don't know where you are in your recovery but your comment is not a positive one

                                                            Magnolia
1374653 tn?1289243073
I think the time has come to actually test out the words of the songs that you sing in church...opiate addiction will require a level of faith in yourself and the ability to reclaim your life.  It has been for me a true spriitual reawakening and caused me to examine my religious practices inside and outside church.

It will be hard to work from two mental perspectives, one being the active addict and the other being the person wanting to quit....whichever one you feed, will win.  No one has the short answer to addiction, but everyone agrees it is a process that requires hard work, patience, and self-love....I wish you the best.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your response. I have had Lupus for years and to be honest I don't need the Lortab for my Lupus. I use it as a crutch because I have a problem.  I am looking for someone who may be like me to help each other stay clean. I want this so much I have been clean before and I finally felt good but went back to the insanity of the drug. What do you do for the withdrawls, what helps you? Have you been clean before? I so want this for myself but I do good and then relapse. Thank You so much for your comment to me I really need some strong support right now!!!!
1148241 tn?1294056396
I'm sorry Magnolia I truly wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I saw in your post where you talked about the refill and I just wanted to make sure you weren't just waiting on the refill.  I'm glad that's not the case.  I am like you and can relate to you that's why your post hit me.  I see some posts and just want so badly to stop people from refilling from Dr.  
Avatar universal
I agree completely with what you said about the words in the songs. I struggle so much with that but I am so broken down right now as I write this. I so believe God can heal me but I am so shaky right now that nothing really makes sense today I am crying as I write this but I know I must pull myself together and I am the only one who can. I don't know if you understand this but today I feel alone and broken. How Long have you been pillfree and how did you do it?

                                                                                              Magnolia

                                                                                          
Avatar universal
Hi mag!! I know u can di this. Right now your emotions are boiling to the surface cause they have been numb for so long. Go with it for a bit and let it out! Then when u get a good cry you can dust yourself off and move forward.  Your in for a bumpy ride for a few days but as a wise person on here told me (wolfmedicine) distraction, distraction! That saying will become your moto for the next little bit. Call a friend and talk about anything but your wd's   That helped pass sine time for me. Sit outside if the weather permits. Take a short walk or until your able.. A short drive. Play music, read your bible. Anything to keep your mind busy. This too shall pass I promise! U can do it. Just think positive and in times when u can't. Fake it till u can!! You have to reach down deep and just take it as it comes. Before u know it you'll be better u just have to keep in mind u were a normal functioning person before this and you'll be amazed how u actually can be again without the pills. I'm clean from Xanax for 25 days and opiates for 12 days. You know what? Music is better, prayer is better, food tastes better, the leaves on the trees are crisper and more beautiful  and my children's laughter is so much sweeter!!  Just look to the future my friend. The pills LIE to us they tell us they give us energy, make us happier, more social, a better us. THEY DONT!!! When your head clears you will see that, just remember... Feeling crappy for a few days or weeks is a blip on the radar of life. Don't waste one more second on them. You can absolutly come out feeling better once the poision is out of your body and the REAL you shines through!! Good luck!
Avatar universal
Thank you for responding. As I read what you wrote to me the tears are pouring down my face. I know the pills have lied to me but my emotions are so raw right now. You are the first person I feel has given me real encouragement on this board. I need someone to help me place all these emotions right now and you did and I thank you for that. I am off for 2 days thenI have to work. I am worried about the withdrawls and working but I quess I should just get through today first. I am usually showered and dressed by now but absolutely no energy, but your post really helped me. Congradulations on your clean time, you are a success !!!! How long did it take for you to feel good I know everyone is different but I am curious!!!!  Did your family know? Mine does not, Thank you again so much after the tears stop I am going to take a hot shower and try and eat something, will try to fake it till I make it, thanks SO MUCH!!!!                   Magnolia
Avatar universal
Have you tried to go to any NA meetings? If you have been struggling with this for so long, the first step is admitting we have a problem. You have done that and now its time for action. Are you willing to go any lengths for your sobriety? I would look up some AA or NA meetings. In the meantime, there is a drug called suboxone that is similar to methadone in a way to get you off your opiate addiction. Ideally you would go on the suboxone and with the help of your doctor, you would wean off it within a year, although that depends on treatment plan with your MD. You may ask your primary for a referral or go ahead and look up chemical dependency doctors. the suboxone has helped my husband get off the hydros, now they have to wean him from suboxone. Good luck and feel free to message back....from recovered alcoholic 7 years sober
Avatar universal
You are so welcome and I'm glad I helped. On day 3 I could somewhat face the world in small doses. On day 6 I had to go to my child's thanksgiving play and party. I was so woried that someone would notice something was "off" with me but they didn't. I ended up having a wonderful time and it was a great distraction.  Take some motrin and a b complex vitamin WITH food and see if that helps with the low energy. It helped me some but really it's a waiting game.  I am a stay at home mom so I didn't see much of the real world at first but to be honest I think it would have helped speed things along if I had. Don't give up!! It will pass. I understand the chronic illness thing. My mom has fibromialgia (sp?)   She is 72 and has to take lortab to function. It's sad really cause i know she would be much  more active if she wasn't on them. My dad is 74 and won't even take a asprin.  On thanksgiving he played basketball with my boys!! See rhe difference? When or if y have grandchildren they will LOVE an active grandparent to spend time with. Your kids will love it too.  Trust me on that one.  Your still so young and u don't want to be house bound in 20 years cause those pills have sucked the life and energy and motivation right out of u. That's what I believe happened to my mom. I love her so much no matter what but I wish she was my mom u had even 5 years ago. We went shopping and gambling and to rhe beach. Now just getting her to go to walmart is a chore. She's a young spirit and so so funny. I just hate it for her.  Don't let it get like that for u.  That's one the reasons I decided to run from them.  I'm only 38 but I could easliy see this nightmare stretching on forever if I let it!! No thank you.  I want to he happy and energetic without being chained to a pill bottle, don't u? Now let's get the show on the road!!    
Avatar universal
Oh and yes my family knows. I told every single person except my father. He's very sweet but I knew it would worry him too much. I've hurt enough people so I let that 1 go. My family was not shocked at all. Come to find out I thought I was hiding it but they knew.  Chances are so does my dad. They notice how often u take your "medicine" they notice how grouchy u are when it's running out. Believe me. They already know. Just bite the bullet and tell someone u know loves u no matter what. I bet u have many to chose from. They can be a great help. I told my sisters and when I'd call sick and whinnying they would baby me for about 2 min then say "come on u can do this. Now suck it up and meet me here or there" sometimes I did sometimes I couldn't but either way it gave me  that certain kick in the rear to get over myself. Ya know?
1372567 tn?1278521139
i just stop taking meds after a slow wean down.i take this junk cuz it masks my m.s.i can walk and talk like i did 6 years ago and i feel normal.but i can take much more than whats written for me.i was going to buy a script of morphine yesterday to get me through to my next script which is gone.my wife looked at me like i was a junkie so i just stopped.this is my 3rd detox and i hate this circle.
we have to gain the inner power to stop this.i am just going to count the hours till 4 days are up.i should be over most of it by then.my grandpa was in a nazi slave camp for 6 years he always told me just hold on and u can get through anything.ITS UP TO US WE HAVE TO BE STRONG.MAKE A PACK WITH YOURSELF.U CAN DO IT
Avatar universal
ONE more thing. I see the posts ahead of mine suggested suboxone or subutex.  That's something u can read about and decide. However; if u go and read some of the posts on here a lot of people who went down that road are now having to wd off that. From my understanding that is a longer and rougher road for most. I'm not knocking it I'm just informing u. Again, I've never taken it so Im no expert. I'd really give that pause before I'd jump into that boat. Lortab is a fairly mild opiate so in my opinion I'd just put em down, feel like crap for a few and move on.  Just my take on it.
Oh and talk to your doctor. Believe me he's heard it ALL so don't be embarrassed.  He might be able to help. Also, I told my doctor to put on my chart I cannot have pain meds. Now I know u can always dr shop or call a "friend" to get em if u really want to but I closed as many doors to my addiction as possible. It helps but ultimatley it's up to ME to stay sober.  It's gotta be burned into your brain that even 1 will cause a relaps.  Even 1.  Good luck and I'll check on u later today. Now go shower, eat and feel better friend!
Avatar universal
Mag. How ya holding up? I'm at the nail place getting a pedicure. Christmas music playing, feet being massaged ahhhh! Now see a week ago I'd told u were crazy that I'd feel like going to get a pedicure, heck dressing myself took 15 min lol. It CAN be done and it DOES pass I will check on u soon. I just feel called to help u in some small way. Also, check some other posts from different people and read how at the begining they felt just like u and see how much better they feel from day to day.  That helped me. Look on the bright side. You have your husbAnd, your son, your home, your job. Coming off pills with so much still in tact is a plus. Some people are not do lucky but they still get thier life in order. If they can u can. I was fortunate by the grace of God to not have totally messed my family up with this nonsense but, hoe much longer could that have lasted.  I'm glad we don't have to find out.  Helping any lol? Hope so! Hang in there your doing great.  
Avatar universal
Ugh! Sorry for the typos. No more shakes just a small keyboard on my phone! Don't be nervous lol
Avatar universal
I just want to say that if you can get off the lortab on your own and maybe meetings I think that's the best option. I only suggested suboxone as a last resort since you've been an active addict for 15 years. I would prefer to see people only go to that length if necessary bc it does help , but it is still a narcotic, so in a way it us substituting one addiction for another. I should have made myself more clear on that. Suboxone can be abused as well...so if you can avoid that, great!!!
Avatar universal
Sorry I have not written sooner hard for me to get on my computer, the only time I have to be completly alone is in the morning. Husband does not know the full extent of my addiction to Lortab. He knows I take them but does not know I take them every single day and does not know I have been abusing them. My husband has a lot on his plate now with his own health issues, he has a bladder cancer treatment on Friday. Believe this no pain with bladder cancer the treatment is injected straight into his bladder and goes home and feels like he has the flu for 2 days. He NEVER takes pain meds or drinks. I can't blame his cancer on my addiction because I had the problem long before his illness. I thank you so much for all your suggestions. I love the fact you are getting a pedicure I work at a hair salon, I so love my job but I really have felt bad today. Don't work until Wed. and I honestly tell you it took me 3 hours to shower, blow out my hair and put my makeup on. My husband gets home at 1;00 in the afternoon so I tried to look decent. Georgia I REALLY FEEL BAD. I have cried all day, my family just thinks it is the Lupus, sometimes I just want them to know but so much is going on with the cancer and my son is scared for his father so I just act like I have the flu. I was glad you told me you had a hard time in the first few days. Lucky you have your sister to make you do things in the beginning. You are also very Lucky and I just like you, I like your personality, you seem fun. I know I can do this but today was hell I have been sore all over, very hot and then cold, restless legs and now the bathroom issues are starting. I keep telling myself that if I can make it this week then at least physically I will feel better, I AM SICK tonight!!!! I will not go the Sub route just another drug to wean off of. I am going to take a shower and will check in soon. I will check in in the mornings and at night. I wanted you to know because of your posts I made it through day one. So glad you understand, what color did you paint your toes? I always do french polish, did you have chills and sweats? If so how did you get through them. Did you sleep, I stayed on the couch last night because I was so restless any tips would be appreciated. I DREAD waking up without my pills I so LOVED them in the morning. I seem to feel better at night than all day long. I can't begin to tell you how many times I cried but I took your advice cried pulled myself together and kept moving forward. I did not even cook today and family was surprised I like to cook, but I was always on my pills so not so much now. Sorry I am writing so much been waiting on husband to go to bed so I could get on the website. I dont have internet on my phone I dont even text drives my son crazy!!!!!! Please write soon ONE DAY DOWN YEAH!!!!!

                                                                              Magnolia
Avatar universal
I appreciated your suggestion since my track record has not been good, but somehow I will just get addicted to that. I have struggled all day with feeling really bad but at least I made it through one day!! Feel really depressed and hot and cold chills. Have to work on Wed and that scares me because I am so emotional. Really thank you for your posts I could not have made it through the day without all of you
                                                                                         Magnolia
Avatar universal
Forgot to say I have been in and out of meetings . I do find them helpful but to be completely honest have not been in a year. I know I must do everything possible to stay away from opiates. I have a love affair with them. So sad to say that but in my head I can do anything on Lortab. Now I am facing really looking at myself and right now I don't know myself anymore I am sick tonight. I dread the next few days but I just pray I make it this time
                                         Magnolia
Avatar universal
I really hope you never need any sympathy. I'm really starting to get very bad feelings from this forum.  There are other posts just as rude. Sure glad for those that are really willing to help
Avatar universal
I felt the very same way about Day To Try he was my first post and he made me feel terrible about myself. However other people have come forward and helped me but he really hurt my feelings hard enough just posting on here to begin with hope he NEVER needs any help!!!!!
                                                                                Magnolia
Avatar universal
Hi mag!! Hope u didn't have too rough of a night! Get u some Tylenol or Advil pm. Helps u sleep some and helps with the rls. I took about 50 hot baths those first few days! Lol.  U just have to believe each day gets a little better. I'm on day 13 and I didn't take an OTC sleep aid last night and I was a little restless so I know the feeling all to well.  I KNOW u can do this. With all u have going on with your husbands condition I understand why u dont want to add any stress. Since u have lupus they won't know you're going through drug wd and maybe that's best right now.  When your well and he's well u can cross that bridge later.  Please keep posting, some people here use "tough love". They really are not trying to be hateful. If it's not your style, just ignore it and read something else. Do not let any one define how u feel about yourself. If someone is on here they gave the same issues as u.  We have ALL been right where y are.  No judgements here my friend.  I don't throw stones at glass houses! Lol.  I can see a change on your mind set! When u feel physically sick or mentally "sick" ( depressed, overwhelmed, panic feeling, guilty, etc) please know it's a wd symptom and it WILL pass. Pray and pray some more.  Let God help u! He said He will and He does if u ask (I know you know that!!)
Ps. My toes are red this time I was feeling a little spunky yesterday lol
Post when u can and I'll try and get back with you asap. Hang in there friend.  You're on day 2   You're close to having the worst behind you. You just have to believe that and if it takes a little longer that's okay. U abused your body for quite a while (we all have) so it's takes a little while for it to fix itself but when it does it is a beautiful day. Yours is in sight!! Can u see it?
Avatar universal
Oh one more thing.  Look up the Thomas recipe ALOR of f people swear by that to help with wd symptoms. You certainly can't hurt. Also Epsom salt in the tub helps too. Highlands helps and I drank my weight in ensure!  Going and stocking up takes willpower. I could hardly walk around the store but the medications help and it eats up some time!! it's a win win:)
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