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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

So Disappointed in myself

I don"t even know where to begin. I have been battling the Lortab addiction for 15 years. I have been on and off this rollercoaster ride for years. I had 3 months clean a short time ago and stuggled thru all the withdrawls and I have Lupus went for my regular checkup and boom I started up again. The day I went in my dr. office I knew better than to take the script because I knew I would fill it but the drug addict in me was on the ride before I even hit the pharmacy!!!! I went through 30 Lotab 10 with 5 refills in 1 1/2 months. Of course that is supposed to last me 6 months but I took as many as I could as fast as I could and refilled them on the day they could be refilled. I can still remember feeling great when I went in to see the Dr. I know what I am in for, I have been through this many times before but this seems worse because Christmas is coming up and I am NOT JOLLY at all. I am a very active 50 year old women with a nice job, I have this Monday And Tuesday off but I have to work the rest of the week. I have a family who does not know and has never known, whenever I go through withdrawl I blame it on the Lupus. I think this withdrawl is going to be much harder because I have some family problems of my own. My husband has bladder cancer and has to go through BCG treatments starting Fruday. His cancer has been caught early and he has no pain with his treatment so no chance of any pain pills for him, he is not an addict like myself. I really need support because I am already in withdrawl, my last Lortab was yesterday at 800 in the morning. I like many of you here am very active in my son's school, worship leader in my church, nice job but the bottom line is I love the way the opiates make me feel. Although this last relapse to be honest except for the first high in the morning was not that great, I SO love the Lortab with my tea in the morning it gave me such energy. Please someone help me through this I feel so alone and dissapointed in myself. Last night I literally sobbed over the loss of my pills, as you all know they are my best friend. I am so irritatable and go from being hot to cold in a skinny minute. I have NOENERGY which is always the hardest thing for me to go through. Please send me some support, I know in a few days I will be over the shakes etc. but I feel so alone. So much is the mental part in knowing I have no pills so I spiral down because I am lost without them. I MISS THEM!!!!! I so want to make it through this I am so tired of it all I just want to crawl into bed because my legs are restless which I do have the restless legs by hylands. Any help would be appreciated I need some help from other struggling addicts.


                                       Magnolia
155 Responses
1148241 tn?1294056396
Are you ready to quit for good or are you just wanting sympathy till you can get a refill?  You already know this is no way to live.  I don't mean to sound harsh I just want to know where your head is.  That feel good feeling from the pills is a false feel good.  They can eventually ruin your life.
1372567 tn?1278521139
do not beat yourself up.we didnt make these pills they are given to us.i have primary M.S. and tons of rebuilds i struggle with the same thing every day.you have just try to stay strong and understand what you are.i am on day 2 of cold turkey i wish it would just go away for you but it wont you have to keep fighting no one else can do it but you.
Avatar universal
I would not post if I was looking for sympathy for a refill. Yes I know this is no way to live that is why I am reaching out for help. My head is to get clean and I was looking for support through the withdrawls, NOT SYMPATHY!!!! Of course I know it is a false feel good but I have a problem with opiates and was looking for maybe somone like me to help me through, they are ruining my life but your comment certainly does not make me feel good about this community . I don't know where you are in your recovery but your comment is not a positive one

                                                            Magnolia
1374653 tn?1289243073
I think the time has come to actually test out the words of the songs that you sing in church...opiate addiction will require a level of faith in yourself and the ability to reclaim your life.  It has been for me a true spriitual reawakening and caused me to examine my religious practices inside and outside church.

It will be hard to work from two mental perspectives, one being the active addict and the other being the person wanting to quit....whichever one you feed, will win.  No one has the short answer to addiction, but everyone agrees it is a process that requires hard work, patience, and self-love....I wish you the best.
Avatar universal
Thank you for your response. I have had Lupus for years and to be honest I don't need the Lortab for my Lupus. I use it as a crutch because I have a problem.  I am looking for someone who may be like me to help each other stay clean. I want this so much I have been clean before and I finally felt good but went back to the insanity of the drug. What do you do for the withdrawls, what helps you? Have you been clean before? I so want this for myself but I do good and then relapse. Thank You so much for your comment to me I really need some strong support right now!!!!
1148241 tn?1294056396
I'm sorry Magnolia I truly wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I saw in your post where you talked about the refill and I just wanted to make sure you weren't just waiting on the refill.  I'm glad that's not the case.  I am like you and can relate to you that's why your post hit me.  I see some posts and just want so badly to stop people from refilling from Dr.  
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