Aa
So angry! Why does he try to sabotage my recovery efforts? Support please.
I just need to vent right now. I have been struggling to get clean. Right now I'm on a sub taper and have been craving pretty bad for oxy today. There is a meeting every Tuesday night near me that I really like. My ex initially offered to watch the kids so I could get to at least one meeting a week but for the last couple times I've wanted to go he conveniently shows up too late and I don't go. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks now. Today we talked and I told him I REALLY needed to go to the meeting tonight. He said no problem I'll be there in time and sure enough the son of a ***** still isn't here and the meeting started 20 minutes ago. I called him and he is half an hour away and makes up some crap about thinking it started at 8:30 not 8. That's ******** and he knows it!! I freaked out and called him a bunch of names. How can anyone be so selfish? He had the nerve to defend himself by saying that I shouldn't bother with the meetings, that "I should just quit and forget about the pills" I yelled at him that he had no right to judge what I do to get help and no right to sabotage my efforts. I can't believe it!! This coming from a guy who's trying to get off pills himself yet instead of getting help just decided the answer was to drink more and smoke more pot! Who the hell does he think he is telling me "I don't need meetings, just quit and forget about it". Yeah like thats really working for him!! My guess is he's jealous of me going to meetings and worried I might meet someone there. The last thing I'm looking for is a boyfriend!!! I need those meetings right now and him doing what he did tonight really makes me want to say **** it and go get a pill. I won't but man I'm so angry right now and feel like what's the use?? I can't get an OUNCE of support from anyone in my lousy life. I might try and ask my brother to come up Tuesday nights and watch the kids. I'd have to pay his gas to get here and it ***** I have to resort to that because the father of my children is so selfish he's rather see me relapse and never get off pills then to risk me "finding someone else". He doesn't realize that by doing what he's doing - trying to sabotage me - THAT is what will make me want him out of my life for good.
Sorry to rant and rave, I'm just so friggin mad right now. Here I got ready like an idiot, coat and boots on, kids fed and sitting here like a moron while he decides I shouldn't go to meetings and makes sure he shows up late enough to where I can't go. Well screw him if he shows his selfish face within the next 10 minutes I will still go to the meeting. I'll feel like an idiot walking in halfway through the meeting but I'll explain that I only have a selfish ******* to depend on to watch my kids so I can go. How the hell am I going to do this? I mean stick with it. The anger I feel right now is the kind of anger that makes me want to go get a pill so bad. The worst part is the selfish ******* would probably be HAPPY if I went and did that. Then he wouldn't have to worry about me wanting to go to meetings - that's the level of sickness and selfishness I'm dealing with! I cannot believe sometimes that I let this man be the father of my kids! How could I end up tied to someone who is so self centered he's rather see me fail then recover?? Please help me get a grip here. God I hope he comes soon, I really want to make that meeting. Dammit I hate him for this right now. How selfish can a person be?? I detest him right now so much.
One thing is clear, this is a person that is not only ZERO support for me but who is clearly toxic to my recovery. I think I'll have to try and find someone who gives a **** to come and watch the kids so I can get to a meeting. Life really ***** sometimes.
Sorry to rant and rave, I'm just so friggin mad right now. Here I got ready like an idiot, coat and boots on, kids fed and sitting here like a moron while he decides I shouldn't go to meetings and makes sure he shows up late enough to where I can't go. Well screw him if he shows his selfish face within the next 10 minutes I will still go to the meeting. I'll feel like an idiot walking in halfway through the meeting but I'll explain that I only have a selfish ******* to depend on to watch my kids so I can go. How the hell am I going to do this? I mean stick with it. The anger I feel right now is the kind of anger that makes me want to go get a pill so bad. The worst part is the selfish ******* would probably be HAPPY if I went and did that. Then he wouldn't have to worry about me wanting to go to meetings - that's the level of sickness and selfishness I'm dealing with! I cannot believe sometimes that I let this man be the father of my kids! How could I end up tied to someone who is so self centered he's rather see me fail then recover?? Please help me get a grip here. God I hope he comes soon, I really want to make that meeting. Dammit I hate him for this right now. How selfish can a person be?? I detest him right now so much.
One thing is clear, this is a person that is not only ZERO support for me but who is clearly toxic to my recovery. I think I'll have to try and find someone who gives a **** to come and watch the kids so I can get to a meeting. Life really ***** sometimes.
Thank you Gnarly, you have been my one of my best supporters on here and I can't wait to tell you I DID IT!! I dropped down to 2 mgs today and so far so good. I'll most likely "feel" the drop tommorow though. I'm looking forward to being off sub/opiates alltogether and am really trying to keep my mindset good. I have learned that my mind is everything in this. Like you say, it really is a battle won or lost in ones own mind. So true!
THANK YOU again everyone. I could not have come this far without you guys. I would have just given up and stayed on pills but the pushes and sometimes good kick in the pants is what I needed to not give up even when I felt so hopeless that I wanted to give up.
And no one knows this but trdodbeingtrd sent me a post that helped change everything for me. I'm not kidding. Remember last Friday when I almost went to score after getting my sub and didn't and thank God because if I had I would not have been close by when the call came to go pick up my very sick daughter from school? Well that same day before any of that happened he sent me a post saying that he felt something was going to "click" inside me. And it would have to do with my kids. He said he didn't know when this ephiphany would occur but it would be really soon. If you saw this message and knew what transpired right after he sent it, before I even saw his post it would blow your mind. He was dead on. Psychic is an understatement. I call it a message from Heaven. God used this person to deliver a powerful message to me. And the fact what he said was so specific and came true that same day blew me away. Since then my desire to get clean has finally gotten and stayed stronger then my desire to get high. Something DID click inside me that day like he said it would and like he said it was an event having to do with my kids. I owe a big thanks to trdodbeingtrd because his post combined with what happened that day was the death blow to the little devil on my shoulder telling me to use. That devil has been sulking in the corner since. Now I know he'll test me again eventually and I've already had my little moments but I feel stronger in my mind about beating this then I ever have. And it wasn't a doctor, a counsellor or an NA member with a gizzilion years clean time who helped something click inside me - it was another addict, struggling just like me, who helped me immensely with one post. Because the words in that post and the events that happened right after were way too much to be called a simple coincidence. And the reality of what would have happened if I DID score that day was too painful to even fathom. It definitely made something click inside me and I'm going to be forever grateful to this person for being a part of that.
Trd, I got what you said about "until now" opiates are unlike any other drug in my experience. (Don't get me wrong - every person's doc is that powerful whether it be booze, norcos, whatever) I was able to walk away from pot use, even benzo use in the past BUT opiates are an animal like no other to me. They really grab you physically and the mental grip is even worse. But I think you'll find your way out of it but I can tell your really torn. The addiction has been playing games with you and telling you lies. That's what it does. That's the evil of addiction, it lies to you and keeps leading you down the downward spiral and tries to tell you the weather's beautiful when there's a shitstorm all around you. My thinking was FULL of contradictions (and still is, just not as much). And my actions were too (on sub-off sub and on oxy) But when you look deep into yourself you'll come to the painful realization that there is just no way to go back. Once we cross the line into addiction, gone is the opportunity to ever be able to "take as prescribed" trust me I've been through all that. At one point I had the wonderful idea to detox - so I could get my tolerance down enough so I could um, take them as prescribed. So yes, early in my addiction I suffered like a fool for days detoxing convinced that if I could just get my tolerance down I could simply start to take them as prescribed. I was in denial of the fact I was an addict. Well that little plan led me straight back into active addiction and I think I was actually able to "take as prescribed" for about 3 days. But there was no convincing me until I saw for myself and learned the painful way that I had no power or control over the pills. In fact it was quite the opposite - they had it over me. You might be able to keep your usage at a reasonable level for a day, a week hell maybe even a month but the addiction will always win. I think you already know deep down that you can't take opiates anymore. The contradictions in your thinking are the devil and angel we addicts have on our shoulders fighting over you. Who will you let win is the question? You helped me and I hope I can help you to have something "click" and say to hell with the pills, I'm getting my life back and see the addiction for what it is - deceptive and destructive.
Once you truly accept that you have no power over them then you can take the next step which is setting yourself free from them. I've been stuck on that step for a long time but with your help and other peoples help here I'm finally on my way. Time to do some soul searching and ask yourself some tough questions. You have that spiritual gift, follow that instinct and you can't go wrong.
THANK YOU again everyone. I could not have come this far without you guys. I would have just given up and stayed on pills but the pushes and sometimes good kick in the pants is what I needed to not give up even when I felt so hopeless that I wanted to give up.
And no one knows this but trdodbeingtrd sent me a post that helped change everything for me. I'm not kidding. Remember last Friday when I almost went to score after getting my sub and didn't and thank God because if I had I would not have been close by when the call came to go pick up my very sick daughter from school? Well that same day before any of that happened he sent me a post saying that he felt something was going to "click" inside me. And it would have to do with my kids. He said he didn't know when this ephiphany would occur but it would be really soon. If you saw this message and knew what transpired right after he sent it, before I even saw his post it would blow your mind. He was dead on. Psychic is an understatement. I call it a message from Heaven. God used this person to deliver a powerful message to me. And the fact what he said was so specific and came true that same day blew me away. Since then my desire to get clean has finally gotten and stayed stronger then my desire to get high. Something DID click inside me that day like he said it would and like he said it was an event having to do with my kids. I owe a big thanks to trdodbeingtrd because his post combined with what happened that day was the death blow to the little devil on my shoulder telling me to use. That devil has been sulking in the corner since. Now I know he'll test me again eventually and I've already had my little moments but I feel stronger in my mind about beating this then I ever have. And it wasn't a doctor, a counsellor or an NA member with a gizzilion years clean time who helped something click inside me - it was another addict, struggling just like me, who helped me immensely with one post. Because the words in that post and the events that happened right after were way too much to be called a simple coincidence. And the reality of what would have happened if I DID score that day was too painful to even fathom. It definitely made something click inside me and I'm going to be forever grateful to this person for being a part of that.
Trd, I got what you said about "until now" opiates are unlike any other drug in my experience. (Don't get me wrong - every person's doc is that powerful whether it be booze, norcos, whatever) I was able to walk away from pot use, even benzo use in the past BUT opiates are an animal like no other to me. They really grab you physically and the mental grip is even worse. But I think you'll find your way out of it but I can tell your really torn. The addiction has been playing games with you and telling you lies. That's what it does. That's the evil of addiction, it lies to you and keeps leading you down the downward spiral and tries to tell you the weather's beautiful when there's a shitstorm all around you. My thinking was FULL of contradictions (and still is, just not as much). And my actions were too (on sub-off sub and on oxy) But when you look deep into yourself you'll come to the painful realization that there is just no way to go back. Once we cross the line into addiction, gone is the opportunity to ever be able to "take as prescribed" trust me I've been through all that. At one point I had the wonderful idea to detox - so I could get my tolerance down enough so I could um, take them as prescribed. So yes, early in my addiction I suffered like a fool for days detoxing convinced that if I could just get my tolerance down I could simply start to take them as prescribed. I was in denial of the fact I was an addict. Well that little plan led me straight back into active addiction and I think I was actually able to "take as prescribed" for about 3 days. But there was no convincing me until I saw for myself and learned the painful way that I had no power or control over the pills. In fact it was quite the opposite - they had it over me. You might be able to keep your usage at a reasonable level for a day, a week hell maybe even a month but the addiction will always win. I think you already know deep down that you can't take opiates anymore. The contradictions in your thinking are the devil and angel we addicts have on our shoulders fighting over you. Who will you let win is the question? You helped me and I hope I can help you to have something "click" and say to hell with the pills, I'm getting my life back and see the addiction for what it is - deceptive and destructive.
Once you truly accept that you have no power over them then you can take the next step which is setting yourself free from them. I've been stuck on that step for a long time but with your help and other peoples help here I'm finally on my way. Time to do some soul searching and ask yourself some tough questions. You have that spiritual gift, follow that instinct and you can't go wrong.
HEY Girl glad to see you getting off the sub so soon it will be a lot ez this way we have had a lot of success storys of short term sub use I can think of 2 of them that came off at 2mg and both had mild withdrawals so the stuff can work the way it is supose to any way I just wanted to encourage you to keep pushing forward.....one of my daughters is a single mom with 2 kids
a 2yr old and a 1yr old and an abusive b/f that comes and goes so I can relate to your struggles I will tell you what I tell her ...''seek God with all your heart and accept the forgiveness of Jesus we all fall short''...I cant wait to be the first to congratulate you on your first day clean YOU CAN DO THIS asn it is so so worth it you wait and see
may God bless your family abundantly......Gnarly
a 2yr old and a 1yr old and an abusive b/f that comes and goes so I can relate to your struggles I will tell you what I tell her ...''seek God with all your heart and accept the forgiveness of Jesus we all fall short''...I cant wait to be the first to congratulate you on your first day clean YOU CAN DO THIS asn it is so so worth it you wait and see
may God bless your family abundantly......Gnarly
"One thing is clear, this is a person that is not only ZERO support for me but who is clearly toxic to my recovery. "
You said it.. now believe it... He is not going to support you at all as long as he is high... He doesn't give a crap about you... only himself... You know it. You've been there...
You can only do this for you... Your brother has agreed to help... Rely on him since he's reliable... You will be happy you did.
Good luck, hon...
It's okay, everyone lets' their emotions talk sometimes, it's only human. Congratulations on getting that counselor earlier, it will help.
Keep going, head up and feet on the ground :-)
Keep going, head up and feet on the ground :-)
Thank you for the replies. You guys are right, I can't let him affect me to the point of throwing away my recovery. He came here today and although things didn't go very well at first. (I smashed his case of beer he had here, just kind of lost it) he apologized over and over and promised he would be available from now on so I can get to my meeting. And bmdad, he does drink but not when he's watching the kids. I'd never allow him to stay with the kids while drinking. He knows this and has abided by it when he's here with the kids.
I am probably stupid to believe he is sincerely sorry but I think I do believe him. When he was here today after the initial anger I directed at him for doing what he did to me, I broke down and explained that I NEEDED the meetings to keep the angels voice louder then the devils. I explained that I struggle with two very different voices. One telling me to go get pills, no one will know etc and the other voice that tells me I could be free and doing so much more with my life and be free from this. When I get into a bad state of mind the devils voice is loud and drowns out that angels voice. By getting to a meeting it helps my frame of mind which I have found is EVERYTHING in getting clean. I've always been a little negative by nature (ok, a lot negative lol) and changing that isn't easy but lately, for the first time ever, I've somehow been able to do that and where in the recent past I'd have caved I have been able to stay clean and resist those urges. But I need help in doing that and the meetings help. I explained this to him and I could tell after I was done that he no longer believed I was looking for a boyfriend in NA.. *shakes head lol*
Good news too, I just found out that the counsellor will be able to see me next week! Originally I was going to have to wait on a list til April. That made my day. The sooner I get into see an addictions counsellor the better! And since the appointments are in the daytime, babysitting won't be an issue. Thank you guys for helping me and letting me vent. I re-read my post and jeez it sounds like someone with tourettes wrote it. I do have quite the potty mouth when I'm mad. So tommorow I go down to 3 mgs..was going to today but thought it might not be the best day to drop with how emotional I was feeling this morning. Feeling much better tonight though.
I am probably stupid to believe he is sincerely sorry but I think I do believe him. When he was here today after the initial anger I directed at him for doing what he did to me, I broke down and explained that I NEEDED the meetings to keep the angels voice louder then the devils. I explained that I struggle with two very different voices. One telling me to go get pills, no one will know etc and the other voice that tells me I could be free and doing so much more with my life and be free from this. When I get into a bad state of mind the devils voice is loud and drowns out that angels voice. By getting to a meeting it helps my frame of mind which I have found is EVERYTHING in getting clean. I've always been a little negative by nature (ok, a lot negative lol) and changing that isn't easy but lately, for the first time ever, I've somehow been able to do that and where in the recent past I'd have caved I have been able to stay clean and resist those urges. But I need help in doing that and the meetings help. I explained this to him and I could tell after I was done that he no longer believed I was looking for a boyfriend in NA.. *shakes head lol*
Good news too, I just found out that the counsellor will be able to see me next week! Originally I was going to have to wait on a list til April. That made my day. The sooner I get into see an addictions counsellor the better! And since the appointments are in the daytime, babysitting won't be an issue. Thank you guys for helping me and letting me vent. I re-read my post and jeez it sounds like someone with tourettes wrote it. I do have quite the potty mouth when I'm mad. So tommorow I go down to 3 mgs..was going to today but thought it might not be the best day to drop with how emotional I was feeling this morning. Feeling much better tonight though.
Joseph--I hope you DO start your own thread about your issue with Norco. "Norcos are different as in I have pain and it's an easy excuse to take them longer than I really do".
What does THAT mean? Are you in pain or addicted or both? Are you going to stop the Norco when you get the "miracle" brace?
Norco is pretty much the same as all the other junk you've mentioned. It's hydrocodone 10mg. How many do you take a day??
I think you're asking for help here...Start a new thread. I'm concerned for you. I think you're hooked on Norco and the back pain is an excuse. I'm sorry but it's what I think.
What does THAT mean? Are you in pain or addicted or both? Are you going to stop the Norco when you get the "miracle" brace?
Norco is pretty much the same as all the other junk you've mentioned. It's hydrocodone 10mg. How many do you take a day??
I think you're asking for help here...Start a new thread. I'm concerned for you. I think you're hooked on Norco and the back pain is an excuse. I'm sorry but it's what I think.
I don't want to take away from the original post and I'm not trying to be harsh towards you but what you did was swap addictions. To be honest with you when it comes to addiction it doesn't really have anything to do with the strength or type of drug. I started using due to chronic back pain and when I was deep into my addiction I didn't care if I was taking oxy, morphine, vicodin, or darvocet. As long as I had some form of opiate I was happy. I was taking a whole lot of oxy for awhile that I was buying off of so called friends but then my doctor prescribed the 10mg lortabs. I was content on those for another 6 months without even taking an oxy. Does that mean I quit a bigger and badder drug? No. I was still just as big of an addict and all I did was swap addictions. It's exactly what you did.
I didn't type this to you to try and be harsh. I just want you to realize that it doesn't matter what drug we are currently using. What it boils down to is that you are using and that's why you were able to quit the heavier drugs.
The sooner you realize this the sooner you can get on with your life. If you don't believe what I'm saying you should start your own post about it and see what others have to say. I'm gonna go out a limb and say that they will probably tell you pretty much the same thing I just did. It's not that I'm trying to call you out on anything. I've been there myself and just wish I would have realized it much sooner. Even though I don't personally know you I truly do care.
I didn't type this to you to try and be harsh. I just want you to realize that it doesn't matter what drug we are currently using. What it boils down to is that you are using and that's why you were able to quit the heavier drugs.
The sooner you realize this the sooner you can get on with your life. If you don't believe what I'm saying you should start your own post about it and see what others have to say. I'm gonna go out a limb and say that they will probably tell you pretty much the same thing I just did. It's not that I'm trying to call you out on anything. I've been there myself and just wish I would have realized it much sooner. Even though I don't personally know you I truly do care.
I also had said right after that "until now with the opiates" meaning this is the first time when I needed help and was not able to do it all by myself. I do not in any way suggest people do not go to meetings or any other groups that helps get them sober. I am clean from speed, mushrooms, coke, rush, crank, crack, and a number of other drugs (designer) for 8 years now and I did it all by myself. This does not mean that people cannot be different and a drug cannot hook them and they need help the same way I sought help for the opiates.
I turned down morphine, hydromorphone, codiene, and oxycodone when offered because I knew that if I was taking hydrocodone for pain and it could be a real bad problem, then I didn't need to mess with those. I tried the oxycodone for a week and when I saw it was a danger because of how it made me feel, I stopped using it and gave it back.
While meetings and groups help people and I fully support them because of it, including for myself after I stop taking the norcos, there is a huge importance in people finding the strength within themselves. I need help from family/friends (including this site) because opiates "norcos" are different as in I have pain and it is an easy excuse to have to take them longer than I really do. This is the first time I asked for help and needed it to quit.
I don't want anyone reading to think that they can handle something themselves just because other than these norcos I have been able to quit other hard drugs.
I turned down morphine, hydromorphone, codiene, and oxycodone when offered because I knew that if I was taking hydrocodone for pain and it could be a real bad problem, then I didn't need to mess with those. I tried the oxycodone for a week and when I saw it was a danger because of how it made me feel, I stopped using it and gave it back.
While meetings and groups help people and I fully support them because of it, including for myself after I stop taking the norcos, there is a huge importance in people finding the strength within themselves. I need help from family/friends (including this site) because opiates "norcos" are different as in I have pain and it is an easy excuse to have to take them longer than I really do. This is the first time I asked for help and needed it to quit.
I don't want anyone reading to think that they can handle something themselves just because other than these norcos I have been able to quit other hard drugs.
You said......"they can be the kind of person like me where they do better doing it on their own""
So many of us had the same logic of thinking as you early on in our recovery. Most find out the hard way that we we can't do it on our own. In order to have the best odds of long term sobriety we have to understand that our way doesn't work. Find one person on here where one was successful at long term sobriety where they did it on their own. It won't be an easy task. NO addict can do it on their own. I sure hope you realize this soon and that it doesn't take a relapse to realize this.
So many of us had the same logic of thinking as you early on in our recovery. Most find out the hard way that we we can't do it on our own. In order to have the best odds of long term sobriety we have to understand that our way doesn't work. Find one person on here where one was successful at long term sobriety where they did it on their own. It won't be an easy task. NO addict can do it on their own. I sure hope you realize this soon and that it doesn't take a relapse to realize this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I know exactly where her husband is coming from, he is an active addict and in love with his DOC.
There are reasons that people personally would not want to go to meetings. They can be the kind of person who is not religious and afraid that all groups that help will "preach" to them, they can be the kind of person like me where they do better doing it on their own (at least until now with the opiates), they can be the type of person who does not want to stop and they know that if they go to meetings they might get "turned around" and have to stop.
The point is, people do not tell other people not to go or make it so that they can't go if they know those people are trying to quit, if they love and care for them, it's whatever works. Personally is one thing, but like I said to someone else, my mom does not drink any longer and both her and I have the catholic church to thank for it. Personally, I don't agree with the catholic religion, that don't matter. If it helps my mom, that's all that matters.
I think it's a good thing that you were able to out yourself about how you were abusing your wife and her pain medication. Before you get all angry and lash out at me, if you were taking your wife's pain medication when you were the person trusted to give them to her, it was a type of abuse. I am not saying you don't love your wife, and I am not saying you were physically abusing her. It is a type of abuse. My wife was the caregiver for her grandmother after she had a stroke, we found out that her aunt was taking her grandmothers pain medication and anxiety medication, her aunt was abusing my wife's grandmother.
Please understand, I am not judging you, every addict or ex-addict on this site did something/s that they are not proud of and most likely abused the one's they loved because of it. I am just saying that if you want to "come clean" then do it all the way. If you honestly believe that you just made an honest mistake, and you doing what you did was for your wife's benifit, then you are lying to yourself. People who abuse medication can try to justify what they do to themselves and others all they want. It took everything in me to go to the ER when I was in pain. I felt like I failed because I had stopped taking the hydrocodone, and then because I could not take the pain anymore, I went to the ER and had my doctor give me more norcos. My brace comes either today or tomorrow.......actually it hopefully will be here tomorrow........sorry didn't meant to get off subject. My main point is, and I mean this with all respect. If you are going to be honest with people here, please don't fool yourself and think that when people do something that looks in every way like it is for themselves they are doing it in the best interest for someone else.
Everyone makes mistakes, that's human, not everyone can admit to it. Admitting to it, is the first step of recovery.
The point is, people do not tell other people not to go or make it so that they can't go if they know those people are trying to quit, if they love and care for them, it's whatever works. Personally is one thing, but like I said to someone else, my mom does not drink any longer and both her and I have the catholic church to thank for it. Personally, I don't agree with the catholic religion, that don't matter. If it helps my mom, that's all that matters.
I think it's a good thing that you were able to out yourself about how you were abusing your wife and her pain medication. Before you get all angry and lash out at me, if you were taking your wife's pain medication when you were the person trusted to give them to her, it was a type of abuse. I am not saying you don't love your wife, and I am not saying you were physically abusing her. It is a type of abuse. My wife was the caregiver for her grandmother after she had a stroke, we found out that her aunt was taking her grandmothers pain medication and anxiety medication, her aunt was abusing my wife's grandmother.
Please understand, I am not judging you, every addict or ex-addict on this site did something/s that they are not proud of and most likely abused the one's they loved because of it. I am just saying that if you want to "come clean" then do it all the way. If you honestly believe that you just made an honest mistake, and you doing what you did was for your wife's benifit, then you are lying to yourself. People who abuse medication can try to justify what they do to themselves and others all they want. It took everything in me to go to the ER when I was in pain. I felt like I failed because I had stopped taking the hydrocodone, and then because I could not take the pain anymore, I went to the ER and had my doctor give me more norcos. My brace comes either today or tomorrow.......actually it hopefully will be here tomorrow........sorry didn't meant to get off subject. My main point is, and I mean this with all respect. If you are going to be honest with people here, please don't fool yourself and think that when people do something that looks in every way like it is for themselves they are doing it in the best interest for someone else.
Everyone makes mistakes, that's human, not everyone can admit to it. Admitting to it, is the first step of recovery.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Nice post Brian~~~~
As the saying goes Misery loves company and your ex wants you to be just as miserable as he is. You are a threat to him now. Just take back your power girl, you can do it~~sara
As the saying goes Misery loves company and your ex wants you to be just as miserable as he is. You are a threat to him now. Just take back your power girl, you can do it~~sara
Newabuser.....you must have missed where she said that he is an addict also and trying to get off of the pills, or at least he says he trying to quit but instead turns to alcohol and pot.
Like mentioned above, let him do as he pleases. I'm sure he has his own reasons for trying to tell you that you don't need meetings and to just "quit". I think some of these reasons are that he isn't as strong as you and can't quit and he wants to see you fail in order to feel better about himself for not having what it takes. Did you two every share pills? I could see him wanting to be able to call you if he's out hoping you will give him some. Another reason may be that he actually doesn't want to quit and as long as you are using you two hold a common bond. He's probably thinking that common bond will keep you two together.
As you know he's doing a fine job at throwing his life away and doesn't have to drag you down with him. An addict will do anything and everything to justify their use so maybe this is one way he is trying to justify his use. He's doing all he can to bring you down with him and it's obvious he doesn't want to see you succeed. Don't give him the gratification of not succeeding. You have been fighting too hard to throw it all away by.Don't give him the pleasure of seeing you fail.
As you know in order to be successful at our sobriety we have to cut off all people and places that have to do with our doc. I understand that this can be difficult since he is the father of your children but it does sound as if he's quite the mess right now considering he's taking opiates, drinking alcohol and smoking pot. In my opinion you need to keep your distance from him not only for you but also for your children. I realize he is the father of your children but do you really want someone in that frame of mind to even watch your kids? I think it's great that your brother agreed to make the drive to watch them. From the sounds of it they are in much safer hands.
I know you've been struggling lately but never give up. You have been fighting like crazy and eventually the mental madness will subside. It may not seem like it right now but it is so worth the fight. You're doing a great thing here and the payout will be priceless.
Hang in there. I'm pulling for ya!
Best of luck!
Brian
Like mentioned above, let him do as he pleases. I'm sure he has his own reasons for trying to tell you that you don't need meetings and to just "quit". I think some of these reasons are that he isn't as strong as you and can't quit and he wants to see you fail in order to feel better about himself for not having what it takes. Did you two every share pills? I could see him wanting to be able to call you if he's out hoping you will give him some. Another reason may be that he actually doesn't want to quit and as long as you are using you two hold a common bond. He's probably thinking that common bond will keep you two together.
As you know he's doing a fine job at throwing his life away and doesn't have to drag you down with him. An addict will do anything and everything to justify their use so maybe this is one way he is trying to justify his use. He's doing all he can to bring you down with him and it's obvious he doesn't want to see you succeed. Don't give him the gratification of not succeeding. You have been fighting too hard to throw it all away by.Don't give him the pleasure of seeing you fail.
As you know in order to be successful at our sobriety we have to cut off all people and places that have to do with our doc. I understand that this can be difficult since he is the father of your children but it does sound as if he's quite the mess right now considering he's taking opiates, drinking alcohol and smoking pot. In my opinion you need to keep your distance from him not only for you but also for your children. I realize he is the father of your children but do you really want someone in that frame of mind to even watch your kids? I think it's great that your brother agreed to make the drive to watch them. From the sounds of it they are in much safer hands.
I know you've been struggling lately but never give up. You have been fighting like crazy and eventually the mental madness will subside. It may not seem like it right now but it is so worth the fight. You're doing a great thing here and the payout will be priceless.
Hang in there. I'm pulling for ya!
Best of luck!
Brian
I agree with Sara its non of his bissness what your doing about your recovery... just a twist of this whole thing....he knows if you get clean and he dosent you will have sole rights to the kids you can patrician the coursts saying he is a drug addict and you dont feel safe for him to take the kids ....right now he has you over the same barrel but once your clean you can pass a drug test and he cant the courts wont allow him unsupervised time with the kids till he cleans up his act and from what your saying it doesent sound like he's going to do that any time soon this might be why he is trying to sabotage your recovery....Sweetie do what ever it takes to grt to those meetings they will change the very way you thing and set you free form your addictions your doing the right thing noe I will pray fot you good luck and God bless...Gnarly
COMMUNITY LEADER
Dont give him the power to control you anymore. I wouldnt even tell him your brother will be babysitting, it is none of his business. You stay on your path now and get better. You are what is important. Let your ex do what he pleases, sounds like he has enough of his own problems amyways. Its okay to be angry with him and his lack of responsibility, its not okay to let this consume you. I know where you are coming from here and i did have to smile a bit thinking about what your post would of looked like had i written it.....&^^**%$$##@, !!!!!
Tired,
I think you commented on my "lack of symptoms" question and I thank you for that. I'm probably the last person to be giving advice because this is all new to me but as much as I hate to admit it, I can relate to your ex. Not saying he's right, just relaying my own experience and my pre-addiction thoughts.
I'm addicted now because the pills come cheap and easy.....through my wife. She's been on oxy's for years due to two serious car accidents. They're prescribed by her doctor with the stipulation that I administer them. She's an abuser too and prior to me doling them out she'd burn through a 1 month prescription in a week. She now actually has a burning desire to get off of them and refuses to take them most days. You can probably see where this is going, I'm left with a pile of pills every month and then she refills her prescription. Yep, one day I decided to see what was so great about them and it's been downhill from there.
Anyway, prior to me trying them I could have been your ex. I was EXACTLY the same way and my thought process was that the best thing for her was to simply divorce herself from them. Any meetings with others or even a simple discussion about them would only enhance her desire for them. The only way to get off of them was to stop taking them, period. No discussing them, no meetings, just quit and move on. That's actually what I believed and I'd throw a monkey wrench into any pro-active attempt she'd make.
Please understand, it was done through ignorance and I honestly thought I was doing what was best for her. Without having intimate knowledge of your situation it appears that your ex is doing the same thing, simply acting as best he can in your interests. I'm sure he comes off like an a-hole (much like I did) but it's because he really doesn't have an understanding of what you're dealing with. I'm living proof that until you've gone through it it's incomprehensible. As little as one year ago I'd have never thought I'd be in this situation, in my own mind I was above anything like this, I wasn't "weak" like my wife.
I actually believed all of that and I'm sure your ex does too. What you've described are some of the very things I'd have done in the same situation. I'm sure it's little solace but just know that unless I'm mistaken, I think that he's doing what he feels is the right thing. He's viewing it from an outsiders perspective and yes, his perspective is incorrect but my guess is that he's doing what he feels is right to help both you and your children.
I think you commented on my "lack of symptoms" question and I thank you for that. I'm probably the last person to be giving advice because this is all new to me but as much as I hate to admit it, I can relate to your ex. Not saying he's right, just relaying my own experience and my pre-addiction thoughts.
I'm addicted now because the pills come cheap and easy.....through my wife. She's been on oxy's for years due to two serious car accidents. They're prescribed by her doctor with the stipulation that I administer them. She's an abuser too and prior to me doling them out she'd burn through a 1 month prescription in a week. She now actually has a burning desire to get off of them and refuses to take them most days. You can probably see where this is going, I'm left with a pile of pills every month and then she refills her prescription. Yep, one day I decided to see what was so great about them and it's been downhill from there.
Anyway, prior to me trying them I could have been your ex. I was EXACTLY the same way and my thought process was that the best thing for her was to simply divorce herself from them. Any meetings with others or even a simple discussion about them would only enhance her desire for them. The only way to get off of them was to stop taking them, period. No discussing them, no meetings, just quit and move on. That's actually what I believed and I'd throw a monkey wrench into any pro-active attempt she'd make.
Please understand, it was done through ignorance and I honestly thought I was doing what was best for her. Without having intimate knowledge of your situation it appears that your ex is doing the same thing, simply acting as best he can in your interests. I'm sure he comes off like an a-hole (much like I did) but it's because he really doesn't have an understanding of what you're dealing with. I'm living proof that until you've gone through it it's incomprehensible. As little as one year ago I'd have never thought I'd be in this situation, in my own mind I was above anything like this, I wasn't "weak" like my wife.
I actually believed all of that and I'm sure your ex does too. What you've described are some of the very things I'd have done in the same situation. I'm sure it's little solace but just know that unless I'm mistaken, I think that he's doing what he feels is the right thing. He's viewing it from an outsiders perspective and yes, his perspective is incorrect but my guess is that he's doing what he feels is right to help both you and your children.
He never showed up. I called him back and after ignoring my calls for awhile he picked up the phone just a few minutes ago and was slurring so I know he's out somewhere drinking. There's no way I can go to the meeting tonight. It's over now anyways. I feel defeated and like a fool for thinking he'd actually show up for once and let me go.
I did call my brother tonight and got a commitment from him. He was pretty pissed off at my ex for doing this and told me to just remind him of the meetings and he'd come up. So at least I know from here on in I have someone I trust to watch the kids. I feel bad though because my brother is quite a ways away, it's really putting him out but he loves me and unlike my ex, he wants to see me get better and stay away from the pills. I just moved to a new town a couple months ago and I don't know ANYONE well enough around here that I could ask to watch them and my closest relative is 45 mins away.
You guys are right though, I can't let him get to me. I can't let him suck me into the hole he seems quite happy to stay in. He hasn;t got the guts to try and change and is trying his best to keep me hooked so I will not recover. Well screw him, I'm not giving in. I feel lonely and pretty discouraged at the moment but I'm not letting him dvrew up the little progress I made.
One thing today that happened was I got a call back letting me know I won't have to wait long to see an addictions counsellor. It could be as early as next week I start seeing one. It would be during the day so thats great because my kids will be in school and I'll be able to go without having to beg anyone.
I am going to bed now and will try and force myself to sleep and not dwell on this. Thank you for your replies. Your right I do need to do whatever works for me and not let anyone mess that up for me, I will keep doing this but I can tell that there are going to be many challenges, tests and I just have to take it as it comes and not let myself get too freaked out by it all. Easier said then done sometimes...
I did call my brother tonight and got a commitment from him. He was pretty pissed off at my ex for doing this and told me to just remind him of the meetings and he'd come up. So at least I know from here on in I have someone I trust to watch the kids. I feel bad though because my brother is quite a ways away, it's really putting him out but he loves me and unlike my ex, he wants to see me get better and stay away from the pills. I just moved to a new town a couple months ago and I don't know ANYONE well enough around here that I could ask to watch them and my closest relative is 45 mins away.
You guys are right though, I can't let him get to me. I can't let him suck me into the hole he seems quite happy to stay in. He hasn;t got the guts to try and change and is trying his best to keep me hooked so I will not recover. Well screw him, I'm not giving in. I feel lonely and pretty discouraged at the moment but I'm not letting him dvrew up the little progress I made.
One thing today that happened was I got a call back letting me know I won't have to wait long to see an addictions counsellor. It could be as early as next week I start seeing one. It would be during the day so thats great because my kids will be in school and I'll be able to go without having to beg anyone.
I am going to bed now and will try and force myself to sleep and not dwell on this. Thank you for your replies. Your right I do need to do whatever works for me and not let anyone mess that up for me, I will keep doing this but I can tell that there are going to be many challenges, tests and I just have to take it as it comes and not let myself get too freaked out by it all. Easier said then done sometimes...
I'm SO sorry you're having to deal with this right now. It's awful timing considering how hard you're trying to get better. And you know what I say to his selfish behavior? Forget him - GO to that meeting no matter how late you might be. Don't even THINK about his behavior right now. YOU are the one who matters right now and you have to be selfish about getting well. Your kids need YOU and don't let your ex change that.
And I SO agree about finding someone else for Tuesday night with the kids. If your brother is able to do it, then the dollars you'll need to give him for gas will be the BEST money you've EVER spent. Worth every cent. Do NOT let your ex determine the outcome of your recovery for you. I hope so much you don't get my reply until later because that will mean you did go to the meeting and didn't let your ex' behavior determine what was best for you. YOU are in control now. Period.
Hang in there and stay STRONG. :)
And I SO agree about finding someone else for Tuesday night with the kids. If your brother is able to do it, then the dollars you'll need to give him for gas will be the BEST money you've EVER spent. Worth every cent. Do NOT let your ex determine the outcome of your recovery for you. I hope so much you don't get my reply until later because that will mean you did go to the meeting and didn't let your ex' behavior determine what was best for you. YOU are in control now. Period.
Hang in there and stay STRONG. :)
I am sorry you are going through this. One of the toughest things when quitting is not being able to count on others that you need help from.
The meetings are important because you see that they work for you, you understand why you are going and want to get it done.
Is there any place you can take your children to that you trust instead of someone coming to your house?
Vent away as much as you need.
The meetings are important because you see that they work for you, you understand why you are going and want to get it done.
Is there any place you can take your children to that you trust instead of someone coming to your house?
Vent away as much as you need.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
