Aa
So how do I do this?
I am a nurse that is addicted to opiates. When I first registered on this site I was "clean", hence my name. I posted a few times coming from the viewpoint of someone in recovery. Now I'm back as someone who needs help. I have only known working in hospitals. I dont know anything else and I HAVE to work as I am a single mother. Its like being an alcoholic and working as a bartender. It is a constant, daily, hourly struggle. I had a recent "slip-up" and am scared to death. I've done a lot of reading about SMART recovery and it really appeals to me. NA never felt right so I've only gone twice. I have been reading your advice for a few weeks now and its really helped but for someone in my situation where its my livlihood as well as my life, I know I need some practical tools.
I was taken by your comment about picturing a "positive" instead of a negative. Instead of me imagining NOT taking the drugs, I have to imagine DOING something else. But what?? As I stand there with a syringe full of morphine that I have to waste, what do I do? Yes, I can picture throwing it out but where does the "pleasure" come in? I hope I'm making sense.
I was taken by your comment about picturing a "positive" instead of a negative. Instead of me imagining NOT taking the drugs, I have to imagine DOING something else. But what?? As I stand there with a syringe full of morphine that I have to waste, what do I do? Yes, I can picture throwing it out but where does the "pleasure" come in? I hope I'm making sense.
I am an RN as well...this is a very old post..post a new question so people can see you needs...lots of support here
I am an RN addicted to pain medication and have been for years. I'm taking 28-24 lortab a day. I literally feel like I'm at the lowest point of my life. I'm so depressed. I don't do laundry, don't answer the phone, don't go to the store. It's bad.
Recently I realized I had to do something before I literally lost my life. I want my life back. I want to enjoy things again. I want to feel emotion again.
Today, I wrote a letter asking for participation in the KARE program. My nursing administrator knows and is totally supportive and helping me all she can. I've just recieved a list of approved treatment evaluators, so that will be my next step.
I'm just really scared. There hasn't been a day in my life without pills in years. I'm scared I'm going to fail. I just want to be happy again, and what if treatment doesn't work. I want sobriety more than anything. I want to have control of my life. I've never been so excited and scared at the same time.
Recently I realized I had to do something before I literally lost my life. I want my life back. I want to enjoy things again. I want to feel emotion again.
Today, I wrote a letter asking for participation in the KARE program. My nursing administrator knows and is totally supportive and helping me all she can. I've just recieved a list of approved treatment evaluators, so that will be my next step.
I'm just really scared. There hasn't been a day in my life without pills in years. I'm scared I'm going to fail. I just want to be happy again, and what if treatment doesn't work. I want sobriety more than anything. I want to have control of my life. I've never been so excited and scared at the same time.
Thank *you*. . .first, for having the strength and respect for yourself to fight your urges. Second. . .for letting me know that something I said helped you, in any way at all. There are so many good people who have helped me hang on. . .it might sound strange to the "normal" world, but I think addicts (in general) are some of the most beautiful, and loving, souls in the world today. Maybe it is our pain that has made us more sensitive to that of our brothers and sisters who suffer alongside us, or maybe we were just created that way. Either way, what goes around, comes around. . .and if you keep in the company of people who "know" long enough, you will find that you have much to share, more than you could have imagined when the disease had its foot on your throat. You have so much to give to other addicts just from one day -- or hour, or minute -- of "sweating it out" the way you described just now. Keep the faith.
Peace,
Kurt
Peace,
Kurt
Way to hang in there, Missy!!!! I totally agree w/ Kurt's assessment.....You picked the heart of the matter to be your cornerstone. Words of wisdom, to be sure......
YOU have a good holiday, too!! Peazy
YOU have a good holiday, too!! Peazy
rough day here w/ WANTING ******* DRUGS.. here's what kept me off
"We are not who we are when we use drugs. We are someone else -- or perhaps just nothing at all -- and the substances we shoot are just an attempt to fill that emptiness."
tyvm
rwc~
"We are not who we are when we use drugs. We are someone else -- or perhaps just nothing at all -- and the substances we shoot are just an attempt to fill that emptiness."
tyvm
rwc~
Kurt--I did NOT think my reply was so erudite that it needed to be posted TWICE....LOL Sorry. Must be jumpy today...
Pammy---You are just the sweetest THANG!! Can't wait 'til we can jingle our bracelets together...:-)
Gottadoit: Congratulations on turning a crappy day into a clean, successful one!! Day 14 will be even better--so keep on hangin' in there. Reading is a good source of motivation. Keep exposing yourself to ALL kinds of ideology until you find something you TRULY believe in...It will be a never-ending source of strength for you in the days and months to come. Keep posting and welcome!! peazy
Pammy---You are just the sweetest THANG!! Can't wait 'til we can jingle our bracelets together...:-)
Gottadoit: Congratulations on turning a crappy day into a clean, successful one!! Day 14 will be even better--so keep on hangin' in there. Reading is a good source of motivation. Keep exposing yourself to ALL kinds of ideology until you find something you TRULY believe in...It will be a never-ending source of strength for you in the days and months to come. Keep posting and welcome!! peazy
Damn, Man!!! AWESOME post!!!!! I totally agree-- My OWN VOICE is my inner strength and higher power......I AM DOING THIS, and I can rely on MYSELF. You give me goosebumps. (don't take that wrong....well, okay, you can...:-) LOL Peazy
Great post! Peazy is an awesome person one of the best really! Keep posting cause we enjoy reading! Pammy
Damn, Man!!! AWESOME post!!!!! I totally agree-- My OWN VOICE is my inner strength and higher power......I AM DOING THIS, and I can rely on MYSELF. You give me goosebumps. (don't take that wrong....well, okay, you can...:-) LOL Peazy
I am 13 days clean from 8 years of Ultram. Yesterday was another crappy day---but I forced myself to read my NA book last night when I was feeling the worst and found it to be rather comforting, by that I mean it was a confirmation of what I am and I what I don't want-- so as bad as yesterday was, I stayed clean. 2 years ago, fresh out of detox I could not have said
that so I guess it was a successful day. Good Luck to all.
that so I guess it was a successful day. Good Luck to all.
Thanks, Diane. . .and no, I don't know you, other than if you're here, you are like me in a fundamental (life-and-death, actually) struggle -- one which will only end when we breathe our last and go on to see what else is out there.
No, I don't know you, your family, your job, your situation. . .but I can tell you that you ARE a worthwhile person, perhaps even more so than the other "normal" (non-addicted) members of society.
Why? Simply because of this: the fact that you are here, at all, participating in this forum, tells me that you want something better for yourself. That alone puts you MILES ahead of some (most? I hope not, but. . .) others in "society" who may not use drugs but use other people. . .or power. . .or money. . .or all of the above -- with no thought of improving themselves or changing their lives at all. Whom would you rather put your faith in, really? A junkie who's at least trying to improve herself? Or someone with a good job, a good life, a lot of success. . .and who has walked on the backs of anyone who got in her way to get where she is today -- and sees nothing wrong with that?
Thank you for your kind words about how far I've come. . .but it is a daily struggle, and I am still trying to figure out how not to make other mistakes in my life. When I'm ****** up, I have no interest in bettering myself or changing my life in any way. . .except a (passive?) desire for it to end. The junk takes away from us completely our sense of self. Self-esteem or self worth? Oh, puh-LEEZE.
The reason I give you (and all the other) people here more credit than "society" is very simple -- whether you have five minutes or five years clean, or even if you come here high -- somewhere inside of you is a voice that is telling you that you DO deserve good things, that you DO deserve to be happy.
What, or who, is that voice? Maybe you expect me to say, at this point, "your Higher Power" or "God" or "Jesus Christ" or even "Buddha" or any other name of that sort, but I am not. Don't get me wrong -- I've lived through enough times when, by all rights, I should have been clinically dead, NOT to believe in a power greater than myself. . .but, ultimately, that power can only *encourage*, not force, that voice you hear to speak -- the one that tells you that you are NOT scum, that you DON'T deserve to suffer, that you are actually pretty worthwhile.
We are not who we are when we use drugs. We are someone else -- or perhaps just nothing at all -- and the substances we shoot are just an attempt to fill that emptiness.
That voice? If it sounds familiar, it should. . .it's you. The REAL you, the fundamental you that knows you are a good person, that you deserve good things and have good things to share with others. The you that has been deceived for so long. The you that wants not to survive, but to LIVE.
Hope this helps. . .and that it makes any sense at all. By the end of my "rants", I am never sure whether I have been coherent or not.
Peace,
Kurt
No, I don't know you, your family, your job, your situation. . .but I can tell you that you ARE a worthwhile person, perhaps even more so than the other "normal" (non-addicted) members of society.
Why? Simply because of this: the fact that you are here, at all, participating in this forum, tells me that you want something better for yourself. That alone puts you MILES ahead of some (most? I hope not, but. . .) others in "society" who may not use drugs but use other people. . .or power. . .or money. . .or all of the above -- with no thought of improving themselves or changing their lives at all. Whom would you rather put your faith in, really? A junkie who's at least trying to improve herself? Or someone with a good job, a good life, a lot of success. . .and who has walked on the backs of anyone who got in her way to get where she is today -- and sees nothing wrong with that?
Thank you for your kind words about how far I've come. . .but it is a daily struggle, and I am still trying to figure out how not to make other mistakes in my life. When I'm ****** up, I have no interest in bettering myself or changing my life in any way. . .except a (passive?) desire for it to end. The junk takes away from us completely our sense of self. Self-esteem or self worth? Oh, puh-LEEZE.
The reason I give you (and all the other) people here more credit than "society" is very simple -- whether you have five minutes or five years clean, or even if you come here high -- somewhere inside of you is a voice that is telling you that you DO deserve good things, that you DO deserve to be happy.
What, or who, is that voice? Maybe you expect me to say, at this point, "your Higher Power" or "God" or "Jesus Christ" or even "Buddha" or any other name of that sort, but I am not. Don't get me wrong -- I've lived through enough times when, by all rights, I should have been clinically dead, NOT to believe in a power greater than myself. . .but, ultimately, that power can only *encourage*, not force, that voice you hear to speak -- the one that tells you that you are NOT scum, that you DON'T deserve to suffer, that you are actually pretty worthwhile.
We are not who we are when we use drugs. We are someone else -- or perhaps just nothing at all -- and the substances we shoot are just an attempt to fill that emptiness.
That voice? If it sounds familiar, it should. . .it's you. The REAL you, the fundamental you that knows you are a good person, that you deserve good things and have good things to share with others. The you that has been deceived for so long. The you that wants not to survive, but to LIVE.
Hope this helps. . .and that it makes any sense at all. By the end of my "rants", I am never sure whether I have been coherent or not.
Peace,
Kurt
I completely get what you are saying, Amber. . .at least I think so. :) I struggled with narcotic addiction since I was 15 and used my father's at home (he was addicted by his doctor for over 11 years, possibly more, to Tylenol 4's post surgery). Anyway, my problem got way worse after my father's death in March of 1992 from heart-related issues. Still, I always thought, "Well, Kurt has a daughter now, he can't *possibly* kill himself" (yes, I was young, naive, and pre-children myself). Also at the time of my father's death, I had been married only three months (but that's another long, intense story which I won't get into here).
The point is, although I had been abstinent for about a year when Kurt took his own life, that perception -- that a child could keep him (or me) from suicide -- was knocked aside forever. Although I was still childless myself, it was deeply disturbing.
My fist child, my daughter, was born in late 1995. I was still abstinent, but still suffering from depression (which has been lifelong for me) and other issues. The next three years were filled with some of the most hellish experiences I have ever had in my life (my wife's post-partum depression/psychosis being only one. . .the rest of it is way too Jerry Springer for this forum, and something I don't even like to think about, actually). Suffice to say that my sobriety ended in the summer of 1998 after a relapse on codeine cough syrup and the subsequent shattering of my hand as I punched a solid wooden door (I was a "hitter", not of people, but walls, doors, and so on. . .needless to say, eight weeks in a cast and two pins in my hand did the trick and I have never done this since). Yay for me, I guess. . .slow learner that I am, at least I got that one right. :)
After that relapse, I was off and on and off and on until May 4, 2002, the day after I was arrested for forging scrips for Percocet. My son was born in late 2000 and was alive for two of my relapses (including the active addiction I was in during his birth). Although I was still a narcotic "pill person", I had become extreme towards the end of things. . .my habit at the time of my arrest was about 30-40 5mg Percs a day (you can see why I started writing my own scrips). Also, I had developed a preference for using a needle by then, dissolving the junk in water 8 or 10 at a time and just shooting the moon. I know, had I gone on much longer, that heroin would not have been far behind. . .and death not far behind that, at all.
Sorry for the mini-biography. . .I said all that only to say this, to you, Amber, and anyone else who's here. . .it *can* be done. Thanks to (someone greater than myself) AND myself, I have been free from the **** for just over a year now. While I haven't been "perfect" as far as living my life goes, it has been immeasurably better every day I don't junk up my veins. Just the way my kids look at, and think of, me blows me away. . .regardless of how I think of myself, how much I may have disappointed myself over the years, they love me with a kind of love I can't begin to understand. I am just learning now to kind of just *accept* it and not try to analytically pick it apart or negate it completely. As one of my dear friends once said to me, "If 99 out of 100 people in your life tell you they think you are a good person, and you are the only one who disagrees, who is more likely wrong or misled? You or 99 other people who observe you from the outside?" That's something I'd ask any addict here. . .we seem to be the ones who hate and undervalue ourselves most in our own lives. Most addicts I've met have been really worthwhile, beautiful people. . .but very, very harsh and judgemental of themselves, which only allows their addictions to creep back in to try and destroy them once and for all. I'm thankful to be back on this forum, in the company of those who "know". . .thanks for listening to me rant, and as always, I hope someone gets something out of this.
Peace,
Kurt
The point is, although I had been abstinent for about a year when Kurt took his own life, that perception -- that a child could keep him (or me) from suicide -- was knocked aside forever. Although I was still childless myself, it was deeply disturbing.
My fist child, my daughter, was born in late 1995. I was still abstinent, but still suffering from depression (which has been lifelong for me) and other issues. The next three years were filled with some of the most hellish experiences I have ever had in my life (my wife's post-partum depression/psychosis being only one. . .the rest of it is way too Jerry Springer for this forum, and something I don't even like to think about, actually). Suffice to say that my sobriety ended in the summer of 1998 after a relapse on codeine cough syrup and the subsequent shattering of my hand as I punched a solid wooden door (I was a "hitter", not of people, but walls, doors, and so on. . .needless to say, eight weeks in a cast and two pins in my hand did the trick and I have never done this since). Yay for me, I guess. . .slow learner that I am, at least I got that one right. :)
After that relapse, I was off and on and off and on until May 4, 2002, the day after I was arrested for forging scrips for Percocet. My son was born in late 2000 and was alive for two of my relapses (including the active addiction I was in during his birth). Although I was still a narcotic "pill person", I had become extreme towards the end of things. . .my habit at the time of my arrest was about 30-40 5mg Percs a day (you can see why I started writing my own scrips). Also, I had developed a preference for using a needle by then, dissolving the junk in water 8 or 10 at a time and just shooting the moon. I know, had I gone on much longer, that heroin would not have been far behind. . .and death not far behind that, at all.
Sorry for the mini-biography. . .I said all that only to say this, to you, Amber, and anyone else who's here. . .it *can* be done. Thanks to (someone greater than myself) AND myself, I have been free from the **** for just over a year now. While I haven't been "perfect" as far as living my life goes, it has been immeasurably better every day I don't junk up my veins. Just the way my kids look at, and think of, me blows me away. . .regardless of how I think of myself, how much I may have disappointed myself over the years, they love me with a kind of love I can't begin to understand. I am just learning now to kind of just *accept* it and not try to analytically pick it apart or negate it completely. As one of my dear friends once said to me, "If 99 out of 100 people in your life tell you they think you are a good person, and you are the only one who disagrees, who is more likely wrong or misled? You or 99 other people who observe you from the outside?" That's something I'd ask any addict here. . .we seem to be the ones who hate and undervalue ourselves most in our own lives. Most addicts I've met have been really worthwhile, beautiful people. . .but very, very harsh and judgemental of themselves, which only allows their addictions to creep back in to try and destroy them once and for all. I'm thankful to be back on this forum, in the company of those who "know". . .thanks for listening to me rant, and as always, I hope someone gets something out of this.
Peace,
Kurt
Oh, rude of me. . .sorry to hear of your near-OD in December 2002, but GLAD to hear that you made it. . .reminds me of Christmas Eve, 2001. . .when I did fentanyl on the way home from my job, woke up spawled across the front seat of my car (keys were outside on the ground), cell phone ringing (it was underneath me), wife terrified as to where I was or what happened to me (I was supposed to have been home an hour before, and I always call when I'm not). . .somehow I made it home (though I don't know how many horns blared at me, or how close I came to wiping out, and don't want to). . .ended up not going with my family to Christmas Eve services and almost making them fatherless and a widow.
Somebody sure seems intent on keeping us here, don't they? :)
Peace,
Kurt
Somebody sure seems intent on keeping us here, don't they? :)
Peace,
Kurt
Hey Guy--I just read a few of your posts and I would like to congratulate you on your year+ sobriety!!! Your posts were powerful in relating the experiences you've been through. You have come a LONG way from passing out in your car, forging scripts, and practicing wall pugilism...:-) I loved the way you spoke of your kids' inconditional love for you....we could all take a lesson from them, couldn't we??
Why ARE we so Goddamn hard on ourselves??? I am trying like hell to be conceited and self-centered just because I know I can't survive being my own worst critic! I'm not doing too well, but I will keep smiling in that mirror and mumbling cheerleads under my breath....One of these days--if I SAY it enough, i WILL begin to think I a worthwhile person. (repeat after me: I LIKE you Diane, I LIKE you, Diane.....)
THANKS, Kurt---for your sensitive way of looking at things and expressing our phobias so well. Peazy
Why ARE we so Goddamn hard on ourselves??? I am trying like hell to be conceited and self-centered just because I know I can't survive being my own worst critic! I'm not doing too well, but I will keep smiling in that mirror and mumbling cheerleads under my breath....One of these days--if I SAY it enough, i WILL begin to think I a worthwhile person. (repeat after me: I LIKE you Diane, I LIKE you, Diane.....)
THANKS, Kurt---for your sensitive way of looking at things and expressing our phobias so well. Peazy
well said kurt! i have to admit, it hurts to see you use his name, my problem! and now scott weiland looks like he is in trouble again. addiction certainly doesn't respect who we are at all does it? but kurts death really hit me hard, i have always been afraid that i would end up dead by my own hand or an overdose. i somehow suvived my last overdose in dec. 2002 in which i stopped breathing and turned gray. but that was then and this is now! and i am here to fight the good fight, lol!
four years ago, after five weeks in treatment i was sent home with a prescription for revia. i think i took maybe 2 of them. my loss, cause i only stayed clean that time for six months...
don't let my first paragraph make you think i was picking on you ;-) cause kurt, i am not! it is a reminder of what can happen to any one of us, anyone! permanent solution to a temporary problem.
peace,
amber
four years ago, after five weeks in treatment i was sent home with a prescription for revia. i think i took maybe 2 of them. my loss, cause i only stayed clean that time for six months...
don't let my first paragraph make you think i was picking on you ;-) cause kurt, i am not! it is a reminder of what can happen to any one of us, anyone! permanent solution to a temporary problem.
peace,
amber
As a former health-care worker who had access to narcotics (fentanyl via Duragesic -- "artificial heroin"), I can relate to your situation. The hatred I felt for myself was unbelievable every time I lapsed. I was never found out at my workplace, but was subsequently caught passing fake scrips. Through an incredibly merciful court, I am still free from jail and will remain so if I follow the conditions of my probation.
Anyway. . .one of the greatest blessings I received from my last rehab was knowledge of and prescription of a drug called ReVia (naltrexone). You're probably familiar with it as a nurse -- it is a narcotic agonist which, once established in the system and taken REGULARLY, will nullify any "high" from a narcotic "slip" like the one you described (a Percocet after 8 months clean). I have had opportunities a few times since going on ReVia to "slip up", but the knowledge that I would get no high and a dirty urine were very valuable in keeping me to the straight and narrow. Now, I know there are "old-school purists" out there who regard this as "cheating", but quite honestly, I couldn't care less what their opinion about naltrexone is. All I know is that it has helped me stay clean from narcotics since May 4, 2002, and that's all good with me. To me, it's all about the results, baby. If I knew of an addict who stayed clean by saying a Novena to a sweaty old pair of Air Jordans at precisely 12:01 PM every day, would it be right for me to tell her she was a heathen, weak sinner who was on the highway to Hell and needed NA and Jesus?
Hell, no. In my humble opinion, of course.
Anyway. . .I guess all I'm saying is you have to stop hating yourself and feeling like you deserve to suffer before you can be made whole. It's a daily battle for me, harder than quitting the substances ever was. Good luck to you and Godspeed in your life's journey.
Peace,
Kurt
Anyway. . .one of the greatest blessings I received from my last rehab was knowledge of and prescription of a drug called ReVia (naltrexone). You're probably familiar with it as a nurse -- it is a narcotic agonist which, once established in the system and taken REGULARLY, will nullify any "high" from a narcotic "slip" like the one you described (a Percocet after 8 months clean). I have had opportunities a few times since going on ReVia to "slip up", but the knowledge that I would get no high and a dirty urine were very valuable in keeping me to the straight and narrow. Now, I know there are "old-school purists" out there who regard this as "cheating", but quite honestly, I couldn't care less what their opinion about naltrexone is. All I know is that it has helped me stay clean from narcotics since May 4, 2002, and that's all good with me. To me, it's all about the results, baby. If I knew of an addict who stayed clean by saying a Novena to a sweaty old pair of Air Jordans at precisely 12:01 PM every day, would it be right for me to tell her she was a heathen, weak sinner who was on the highway to Hell and needed NA and Jesus?
Hell, no. In my humble opinion, of course.
Anyway. . .I guess all I'm saying is you have to stop hating yourself and feeling like you deserve to suffer before you can be made whole. It's a daily battle for me, harder than quitting the substances ever was. Good luck to you and Godspeed in your life's journey.
Peace,
Kurt
Hi Jan - welcome! Congrats on being 3 years clean. Sounds like you're a work-in-progress, sorting things out and dealing with them. You're very realistic to admit that if you had the pills in your hand you "might" very well take them. That honestly and frankness is refreshing; realizing that even after being clean for 3 years, you know all it would take is a weak moment to go all the way back to square one. As a "still" struggling (but getting better, little by little) user, I appreciate your story. It is frank and honest and has made me think. I've printed it, and it will be pasted in my journal I started about a month ago (along with other great posts from people on the forum). This is just one "small" step I've taken to try to start the healing process. (Although I EVEN have dreams about dying and my family finding the journal and being "horrified" when they read it!!!)...smile Thanks and Love, Lisabet.....have a great weekend.
It is really nice to hear a success story. I am glad you are getting it back. You certainly worked for it.
Bdgirl,
Thanks for the condolences. It seems these days are just a little dimmer, yet brighter in the way I can see into them.
I have learned a lot through these recent events and thought I would pass on an exerpt that was passed on to me.
I am not ready to travel the road already travelled, by the exerpts I have written from the soul...
Chezz
Thanks for the condolences. It seems these days are just a little dimmer, yet brighter in the way I can see into them.
I have learned a lot through these recent events and thought I would pass on an exerpt that was passed on to me.
I am not ready to travel the road already travelled, by the exerpts I have written from the soul...
Chezz
Chezz sorry about your mom and uncle, and that story I have read b4 but its still beautiful, beach I am jan too and I am sorry if I sounded houlier than though, I am not, I have done things a prostitute would not do to get pills lol I am truly sorry, I Know you did what you had to do at the time and your addict brain was functioning I know as a rational person you would never do that. We are all struggling here I am sorry I was not more compassionate Baddgirl
I can only speak about myself when answering your question.
The lortabs changed me in many different ways. Here is a list:
Moody - when I had the drugs I was on top of my game. (so I thought)When I was running out I would run over anyone to get what "I" wanted. Unless you had some tabs..then you were my best friend until I got them from you.
Anger - Very short temper.
Upset stomach - At certain times during my use I would get hang overs or what some call mini DT's. Then the bad mood and anger would hit.
Implusive - I would do things and say things I would not have done not that I am clean. This means sex, going to crack houses to get tabs or even buying them on the street. I would put drugs ahead of family, bills, God and work.
WHEN I WAS HIGH - I loved the World - What I mean by this is I thought I had found Narvana and everything around me I was in love with. The drugs gave me passion (fake) for stupid things. This is what I call the rose colored glasses.
There are more things that I experienced by the ones listed are the top of the list. Remember this - you can not make anyone quit or make them do something they are not ready for. Nobody could make me quit until I was ready. You always hear about hitting bottom. I look at it this way. Picture yourself on top of a very tall tree with lots of limbs. The term hitting bottom is nothing more than me hitting branches on the way down to the bottom of the tree. At the bottom of the tree is my grave..waiting on me. That is the bottom. Hitting the branches are designed to wake you up with their pain. This pain, looking back, was a blessing and saved my life.
God's Speed.
Sturgil Flockin
The lortabs changed me in many different ways. Here is a list:
Moody - when I had the drugs I was on top of my game. (so I thought)When I was running out I would run over anyone to get what "I" wanted. Unless you had some tabs..then you were my best friend until I got them from you.
Anger - Very short temper.
Upset stomach - At certain times during my use I would get hang overs or what some call mini DT's. Then the bad mood and anger would hit.
Implusive - I would do things and say things I would not have done not that I am clean. This means sex, going to crack houses to get tabs or even buying them on the street. I would put drugs ahead of family, bills, God and work.
WHEN I WAS HIGH - I loved the World - What I mean by this is I thought I had found Narvana and everything around me I was in love with. The drugs gave me passion (fake) for stupid things. This is what I call the rose colored glasses.
There are more things that I experienced by the ones listed are the top of the list. Remember this - you can not make anyone quit or make them do something they are not ready for. Nobody could make me quit until I was ready. You always hear about hitting bottom. I look at it this way. Picture yourself on top of a very tall tree with lots of limbs. The term hitting bottom is nothing more than me hitting branches on the way down to the bottom of the tree. At the bottom of the tree is my grave..waiting on me. That is the bottom. Hitting the branches are designed to wake you up with their pain. This pain, looking back, was a blessing and saved my life.
God's Speed.
Sturgil Flockin
You did appear tpo change your tone message one to 2 but then again the written word is hard to decipher mood of the writer. But i wanted to tel u that my room mate in inpatient was an RN who was married to a DR. . she was in the nurses program for recovering nurses and did not work in settings where she might be tempted. No access to narcotics or benzos is the name of th egame is wut she said. WE cannot control opur drugs...nor our disease. We must realise we are powerless over our disease..that is why people , plac es and things are so importatn to change in recovery. You know all this.. but a reminder is given in love with respect that you know wut u need to do to get back on track.
Peace...
Suzie
Peace...
Suzie
The plea you made in the original question was heartrending and it is not the same as you represent in your followup.
You speak of the taking of a Percocet as though it were a relapse when in actuality it is a lapse and if you extend that into an act of rumination, fear, guilt and/or shame it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A lapse is a grand opportunity to assess how good the Percocet felt and to accept that and to then weigh the previous months versus what it was like when you were using. Cost/benefit analyses need to be repeated and repeated because the brain is capable of self-deception readily and this deception is necessary in a real world that is full of disappointments but you don't have to buy into it..
Try to get some counselling help and/or go to the website or attend meetings for support but try to associate with individuals with whom you share values rather than merely a commonality of a past history of using. Ther is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure it is a matter of what you are willing to pay for it and to seek relationships that are less costly.
You speak of the taking of a Percocet as though it were a relapse when in actuality it is a lapse and if you extend that into an act of rumination, fear, guilt and/or shame it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. A lapse is a grand opportunity to assess how good the Percocet felt and to accept that and to then weigh the previous months versus what it was like when you were using. Cost/benefit analyses need to be repeated and repeated because the brain is capable of self-deception readily and this deception is necessary in a real world that is full of disappointments but you don't have to buy into it..
Try to get some counselling help and/or go to the website or attend meetings for support but try to associate with individuals with whom you share values rather than merely a commonality of a past history of using. Ther is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure it is a matter of what you are willing to pay for it and to seek relationships that are less costly.
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