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Avatar universal

So tired of the Rollercoaster

Hello MH friends,

While I haven't been posting, I am still here reading. For those that really know me, I have struggled so hard to stop the pills and live with my intense pain! I have done both, I am miserable when I take them and miserable when I don't! It's just a know win situation. The meds ( oxy ) do help somewhat but I have trouble controlling my useage. I have also went down the route of my husband holding and dispensing them and I really have no idea where that got off track!

So here's the thing, I blacked out last week and woke up to paramedics and a smelling salt. My husband was at work and my 8 year old found me. I have absolutely NO IDEA what happened! I was released later that evening. I did not overdose, Dr's think it was because I had taken a Benadryl earlier that day, regardless, this was enough to scare the living **** out of me!! How pathetic of me! Makes me cringe that my littler 8 year old found me like that! After that, I said no way will I take these pills again! Scared me to death. I am 4 days out, I am " okay ".... I suppose I just felt the need to post this since I have still been here reading daily. I am dammed if I do and dammed if I dont! My only option right now is a spinal fusion and it's just such a major surgery with little success rates. That is my personal observation from being a nurse in pain management.

Feeling pretty bummed today, can't get comfortable for anything! I hate my stupid back!!
20 Responses
Avatar universal
Forgot to add that I feel soooo light headed when I get up, like I am going to pass out
Avatar universal
Omg I've been asking about you so much!!!!! I am praying so hard for you
Avatar universal
I haven't went anywhere. I have been here reading, just not posting. It's a bit hard to post when I am on the meds that the Dr convinced me was the best decision. Sigh.. Either way, I just can't win.

Thank you for the kind comment!
15290316 tn?1447023108
Glad you're back posting!  I'm so sorry about your blackout incident. How scary. I'm glad you're ok. You're a great mom, so anow event like that I'm sure got some things into perspective for you. One tome, my husband found me on the floor after I took Ambien with my Phenergan (anti-nausea med). I had no idea that Phenergan caused drowsiness too, and I was passed out and incoherent on my kitchen floor. It scared the crap out of my husband (and me)!

I've always related to your posts because I too struggle between chronic pain and meds. I've had a love/hate relationship with Oxy and my pain management plan. It's difficult when there is support from doctors to continue taking the meds. I think we just have to draw a line and ask ourselves if being dependent on Oxy is really improving our quality of life. I know for me, I'm so sick of my life revolving around meds. Is my pain off the charts? You bet. But the bottom line is the meds don't take away the pain, they just cloud up our minds and numb our perception of reality.
15290316 tn?1447023108
And typing on my phone has led to incoherent typos. Sorry about that!
Avatar universal
That is EXACTLY how I feel!!! I have gone off the meds for quite some time only to have my pain Dr convince me its best to take them and live a somewhat quality of life. My pain was so intense after coming off  for 2 months.. I fell back. It just makes me so upset that we are in severe pain, yet can't seem to control the meds. I do agree that they only distort the brain from not thinking about it. I am sooooo tired of going back and forth. It doesn't help at all that I have a pain mgmt Dr tell me that it's best to take them. Right now I am holding on to being free from the pills, no matter how bad I feel. I know each day will get somewhat better. It's just exhausting!
Avatar universal
Hi DTS - I've only been on here a few weeks. Still learning about all of this and myself. I'm not trying to offend you but just understand and learn more if I can. You said you didn't blackout from pain meds but rather from Benadryl earlier in the day - the doctors think anyway. Do you agree? Because you said it scared you and you said no more pills. I'm not advocating you take pain meds or questioning your post. Like I said I'm trying to understand others experiences and perspective. I wish you the best and hope you find a way to be pain free!
Avatar universal
Hi dedicated. I'm relatively new here. Just 17 days off of Percocet for chronic back pain. I did have the surgery. I had 4 vertebrae that were bone on bone. Arthritis had completely destroyed the discs. My pain management doc says it is a failed fusion because it has left me with sacroiliac joint disorder and terrible pain in my tailbone. Sometimes it feels like someone is squeezing and twisting my tailbone. I get cortisone injections every 2 months and then the next month I have a radio frequency ablation treatment. I can't even imagine the pain I would have without these injections and treatments. Especially now with no pain meds. But there is lots of support here and hopefully someone will come in and answer that question about how to deal with the pain without meds. Stay strong. Keep posting because we follow you and then you drop off the edge. God Bless.
BEE
Avatar universal
what is ablation treatment. How many cortisone injections can you take in a year, has your doctor told you?  Man, I would do anything that would help rather than take pain pill.

Chig
Avatar universal
  DTS,

When I jumped off last March, I would get up and nearly black out also.  I think everything especially the heart gets off during wds. Sorry I hijacked your thread talking to Bee.

Chig
15290316 tn?1447023108
I decided to kick my pain management "plan" to the curb a week ago. It wasn't really a plan, it was just my PM doc prescribing me Oxycontin and Oxycodone after ten years of trying every med and treatment in the book. I wanted to free myself from all of the clock watching, med planning, and generally feeling like crap in between doses.

I decided it was time to man up and see what it was like without Oxy ruling my day to day life. The pain really ***** right now, but I'm determined that I will feel better after my brain and nerves settle down and get used to not having Oxy. Right now, I think both of us are feeling that initial pain increase that comes as a result of stopping the meds, and rather than power through it, we go crawling back to the Oxy.

When I quit a couple of months ago, I had what I consider to be the "pain management forum" way of thinking. This time, I'm probably being quite b*tchy and most likely offensive to CP sufferers because I'm being critical towards that way of thought. Basically, I think that CP patients enable each other into the belief that they have no life without narcotics. If you take more than prescribed or borrow meds from a friend, most CP patients will help you justify your actions and say that your pain isn't under control. (Sure, there's always a hall monitor on there that will swear that they've never EVER done that, but I'm a cynical gal, so maybe they have). :) They will also say that only a tiny percentage of CP patients actually become addicted, and then give you a definition of addiction that basically tells you that unless you're forging scripts, you're in the clear. (I'm being a bit dramatic here, but I'm on my soapbox right now, so bear with me.)  They really are kind people who support others with CP unconditionally, but I think that's a double-edged sword because we have no one telling us to suck it up and stop letting our lives be defined by chronic pain. I also feel like lots of CP sufferers will always help you justify why other treatments, like surgeries and non-narcotic meds are a bad option. They will tell you surgery horror stories and will relay how a certain medication has terrible side effects. We all have noticed that opiates have the worst side effect of all!

We learn to feel sorry for ourselves and we really start to believe that there is no life outside of pain meds. Even when we know that our quality of life still ***** because now we depend on these things to function, we still have a hard time walking away because our minds are now wired into the idea that we can't tolerate our pain without narcotics. And when we have a couple of bad days off meds, we run back to Oxy because there are doctors and fellow CP patients who have given our minds easy justification to do it. It's certainly not their fault. They're just trying to help, but I really wish they would tell me to put on my big girl panties every once in a while! You see, I've developed this "poor me" persona over the years from CP and I tend to lean on that more than I should to justify my pain med usage.

The pain is rotten. But the pain plus physical dependency/withdrawal is even worse. Every time that I feel like I can't take it anymore, I force myself to remember that at least I don't feel sick 18 hours a day while counting the minutes until my next pill.
Avatar universal
Dedicated- I've seen you on here a long time and I'm sorry you are stuck. I just have to say that what Puppies above me wrote is so right on that I don't have anything to add except that Puppies said it all and I couldn't agree more.
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think it is time you find someone other than pain management to take over.  You can keep bandaiding it with pain meds but you are getting nowhere and that isnt living either.  You have to become your own health advocate.  Now please understand i am not bashing ANY pain management clinic and am only speaking of the ones around here and what i have seen is they keep you in pain meds and you keep them in their jobs.  
Avatar universal
What I said was I didn't overdose! Of course I blacked out from the combination
Avatar universal
Thanks for that wonderful post. I suppose, it's a good thing I have never been on any kind of pain management forum, but I do get exactly what your saying. I have been up since around 2 am and I am going to try to lay back down and get some sleep so I will respond more after I " hopefully " get some darn sleep
Avatar universal
I couldn't agree more. Right now, my plan is to get through these first few days then really try to look into some holistic routes. I am really going to fm dive down and do as much research as possible bc you are so right!!!!.... This isn't living. At this point, I have actually even been considering the surgery if there's a chance it could help. Something I have never gave any thought to. Idk. I just know I can't go on like this.

Puppies took the words right out of my mouth
4522800 tn?1470325834
HELLO!
Nice to see that YOU are still with us.
I will send a Prayer or more that you can find a answer for your pain.

Be Good and Be Safe!
Bless
Avatar universal
I haven't went anywhere. Just reading and not posting much. Thank you for the prayers. I could use all I can get right now. Soul searching and praying my heart out the last several months!
I actually long to hear from IBK these days:(
15290316 tn?1447023108
Hey DTS

Just checking in to see how you're doing today. As I've said a bunch of times, I feel like our life situations are very similar in so many ways. Not just with chronic pain, but with our home lives. So I wanted to check in with you and see how things were going on the relationship front for you. I know that your marriage has been a cause of major stress in the past, and it's probably been a big roadblock in staying clean. I know that the more I identify the causes for me to keep taking the meds, the more confident I feel that I can address the root of the problem.

I apologize if this is a subject you want to avoid. If so, feel free to tell me to p*ss off. :)  I just see so many similarities in my life that I feel like I have a vested interest in your recovery!
Avatar universal
Hi Pup,
Thanks for checking in. I am okay today. Just taking it easy. Tommorow is 1 week from me not taking pills. My husband is definitely much much more supportive. Things are well! I owe that to God and lots of answered prayers. Thank you so much for being there for me! Checking in on me reiterates that someone somewhere going through the same cares!
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