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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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348415 tn?1205123263

Sweet 16 with a secret to tell!

First of all Im not looking for sympathy or giving you all a sob story! I just want to share mt story because I think it might help me.  Remember you dont have to keep reading this, its your choice!

I dont know where to start, so il start with my earliest memory. Im four years old...Wake up late at night and need a drink of juice. I heard noise in the livingroom so thought id go through and get a drink. I walk in and see my alcoholic dad beating up my mum. I dont want to go into too much detail because it was horrific! Basically what i saw was her lying on the floor, him holding her hair and pulling her head upwards so he could kick and punch her in the face. He looked at me with a look that i can only describe as pure hatred and carried on hitting her. My mum said to me "Get your juice and go back to bed sweetheart" I just ran out the room and hid under my duvet shaking and crying. I soon learned that this wasnt the only time i was going to see this. I was forced to watch him deliberately stub a cigarette out in my mums eye when i was 7! I was lucky that he only lifted his hands a few times to me. I think the only reason he stopped was bcoz i ended up in hospital bcoz we thought he'd broken my wrist. But even after all of this i couldnt convince my mum to leave him. When I was 10 I started to self harm (although i stopped that quite recently).  I was a gymnast and my couch used to tell us "You get nowhere by being fat! You'v got to be thin to win!" I stopped eating and was diagnosed with anorexia! (Fortunately Iv managed to put that behind me quite recently, for the time being anyway). The fights & arguements got alot worse and my dad says it was all my fault and for a while i believed him. I turned 11 and started to make friends with a group of girls who were 15-18. It was then that i discovered alcohol! I drank every weekend with these girls. Then one weekend the girls were smoking weed so i thought, yeah il try it why not! It became a regular thing! At 13 I took my first ecstacy pill, i loved the feeling i got while i was on them! I started taking them more often. At 14 I got hooked to cocaine! I still remember my first line, it was a feeling like no other! I was confident and felt invinsible, sorta like i could fight the whole world! The next thing was speed because the cocaine was so expensive so i needed something else to keep me partying all night every night! Cocaine was a treat 2 nights a week binge! By this point I was 15. I was walking home one night from a party id been to...id been ill so had stayed sober and left around 11 oclock to go home to my bed! I cant go into details bcoz it hurts too much. But my innocence was robbed off of me that night as i walked through the local park! I was able to see people walking thier dogs and i was screaming and shouting for help, yet nobody came! After that the drink and drugs kept me from thinking about it and the next year is all a blur. Now I want a normal life and to put all this past me.

Anybody that read this please dont think diffrently of me...I just wanted to tell my story so that hopefully I can begin to move on!

JayG x
28 Responses
Avatar universal
Well - I am so happy for you and so sad at the same time.  You've endured more in your short life than anyone should but then look at you right now.  I applaud the courage it took to write this down, admit where you've been and look ahead to where you want to be.  I wish you nothing but joy and happiness in your life - my grandfather always told me that nothing worth having is ever easy - I just didn't realize until I hit 40+ that it was so true and sobriety is SOOOO worth the work.  Keep fighting the good fight, stay here and get help here and anywhere you can.
God bless you = you are in my prayers.
352798 tn?1399298154
To have shared this is proof of your incredible strength. I am so sorry that your life started this way. Because of your experiences, you are better equipped to help others. You have wisdom way beyond your years. We care about you. I am proud to know you.
This knowledge of you only deepens my resolve to help you and others. Thank you for sharing. LOL
348415 tn?1205123263
thanks for taking the time to read it, it took a while to write! I just felt i had to tell someone because its been stuck in my head for such a long time! it helped to finally write it all out x
Avatar universal
your story literally brought tears to my eyes.  You are such a beautiful and articulate young girl.  I don't know if you are in any kind of therapy, but sometimes there are just some things we can not handle on our own.  Your drug use scares me, and I would hate to see you continue the cycle in your choice of men in the future.  Be good to yourself and, please find some help somehow.  somewhere.

Luv,
Nauty.....................
352390 tn?1197750941
Your doing really well now, opening up like that, you are actually helping yourself and helping others as you do it. Nothing to be ashamed of, quite the contrary, you should be very proud of yourself. It is not over yet, the human brain is immensely complex, but you are definately on the right path.
352390 tn?1197750941
It was not the innocence that you lost outside, but the guilt that you found within. If we blame the actions of others, for how we find ourselves, then we deny free will its course. As painful as it will be, I am sure that you can see, there is more to life than meets the eye, and always a reason why.
230262 tn?1316645934
I am sorry for all you have been through, things no one should go through an entire long life, let alone in your short years thus far. By letting it out , you are begining to heal. Keep taking those steps hon.
347379 tn?1201220913
You go girl!!  I am so proud of you!!  You are on your way out!  I hope you are feeling better about everything!  You are so sweet:)  Have a very great day
Avatar universal
That is in fact a very sad story.  It makes me much more fortunate to have grown up in a non-abusive home.  I cannot even imagine how it would have made me feel at the very tender age of 4 years old to have seen my dad beating my mother.  Ugggg....  

Sometimes it feels good to just write (type) down your thoughts and I'm glad you did.  Until we can truely come face to face with our feelings and our past it is difficult to move on and change.  You obviously want a better life for yourself otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum so congratulations on taking a step in the right direction.  We're all here for ya!  

Trout  
348415 tn?1205123263
Nauty- Im not in any therapy and never have been, but iv been thinking about it for a while! I dont think i can do it just yet but its something tht i plan to look into. As for choice in men...I had a boyfriend for year, he got drunk one night and hit me so i told him i wanted him out of my life, and i havent seen him again since! The guy im going out with now is such a sweet guy. But if he evr even thinks about lifting his hands to me i wont hesitate in ending it!

xyborz- Your right, I dont have anything to be ashamed of and iv only just realised that! By opening up it feels like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I do believe that htere is always a reason for everything and everything you go through makes you a stronger person!

troubleinohio- I will try to keep taking those steps hun, But just now its baby steps! I'l get to the other end eventually!

JayG xox.
331415 tn?1311459301
You are certainly a strong young-lady and have endured a pretty horrific past.  You certainly don't have anything to be ashamed of, in fact to the contrary, you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to continue working thru these issues and recognizing that there is a better life out there!  I for one went to a psychologist for a traumatic episode in my life and I can tell you that it helped me a lot.  I never realized how much hurt and anger I was holding in until I sat down in that chair and "un-loaded" on the poor psychologist.  To each his/her own though and you have to decide what's best for you.  I don't know if there are any psychologists here but, as you know, there are some pretty incredible people here that will try to help you get thru this ordeal.  Chin up, stay strong and keep on truckin'.  Remember it's not reaching a goal that defines you; it's the struggle and endurance to get there that counts.
279300 tn?1326746678
honey, you should be so proud of yourself. as others have said and as you know you have been through a great deal. you are able to come on here as an adult and seek help firstly, then to be able to let all of this out. you are an incredible young lady. i hope you will seek up the courage to go into therapy. i really believe this would be something that would help you greatly with your recovery. my own daughter begins today, she also has a history of self abuse, also was a gymnast, but no where near what you have been through. but i can see what it has done to her. this is not an easy world to live in right now. it sounds so cliche, but i really think your generation has seen too much and has way to much to sort out. throw in an abusive father, i don't know, it just frustrates me. anyway honey, please think of therapy. i think everyone needs an outlet. a third person to hear them out.
348415 tn?1205123263
I have an appointment on monday with my doctor! Not quite sure what im going for, maybe il get a refferal to a therapist or something. Or at least something to help me sleep! Plus i want to discuss changing my migraine meds bcoz iv heard so much on here about addiction to ultram and dont think i should be taking it! Hopefully this is another baby step of many to come! And anybody whos reading this and needs help, NEVER be too ashamed to ask for help...there are some things that we just cant do on out own!

Much Love <3
JayG xox.
331415 tn?1311459301
Hey - glad to hear you've made this decision.  You are wise beyond your years JayG!  Keep us posted.
280102 tn?1208877222
Hi Young girl,

I've had similar things happen to me in my past.  I can honestly say that after writing it down in detail, I no longer am control by past sexual events.  Before I faced it my whole life was spent either running or escaping. It kept catching up with me tho, and eventually controlled me.  It was like a demon that followed me around and plagued my thoughts with horiffic images.  I got so exhausted from running all the time, that eventually I accepted myself, as a horrible, worthless, ****, and I acted like one.  If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, then it's probly a duck right?  Wrong, deep inside I was a wonderful, kind, generous, sensitive, thoughtful, lovely person.  I had tricked myself into believing in the enemy.   I'm a good person, that had alot of bad **** happen to her.  I did alot of bad **** too, but now I understand why I did it, and what I have to get better.  I am learning to forgive myself for my past, and am learning to forgive the people who trespassed against me.  I am 31, and have just now found the courage to accept this part of myself.  I can honestly say i wasn't as bad as I thought I was, and that i am experiencing a new freedom today form the ghost of my past.  Best of luck to you.
352798 tn?1399298154
So much love and concern goes out to you. You can see it in front of you.
You are doing good. Keep it up!
348415 tn?1205123263
ONE WEEK WITHOUT DRUGS!!! you seriously dont know how long its been since i could say tht! im so proud of myself! xxxxx
352798 tn?1399298154
You go girl! I right there with you. Mark this down as a milestone. [ Kmstone ] Lol :)
How has your day been? I hope, better.
318890 tn?1297965320
Hi hun
I saw my dad beat my mum alot. But it was my mum that was an alcohoic & still is. She is now 61. & my dad died when i was in jail. The last thing he said to me was i'm so happy i've got my little girl back no more smack. I have let him down. It's weird i don't blame my dad atall. I should hate him. He never ever hit me or my brother.
But he has put my mum in hospital a few time's.
Your story is abit different than mine. I started taking drug's to rebel. Something happened to me at 15 & my mum & dad didn't like it one bit so what they said went. My dad was ex army. I was 9 when he left but i suppose you carn't take all that trainig out of someone. Just like you carn't just stop been an addict afer all the effort that's put into getting one.
My drug of choic is heroin & i'm back to day i i've been an addict 13 almost 14 year's. I have been with my patner the same lenght of time & we have 2 son's
Enyway when i was 15 like i said my mum & dad didn't give me a choice in a matter that i thought i had every right to make. Then a week after that my boyfreaind was knocked down & killed, I'd been with him all through skool he was 2 year's older than me.
So that was it pay back for mum & dad. I did everthing i could to hurt them. First came the gule & gas sniffing then the acid. God how i loved acid i'd take 10 15 then just sit in the park watching the cloud's. Then i got rushed to hospital with alcohol posioning. Then can the e's ect ect.
I was on a self destruct but in my head it was them i was hurting.
It didn't help that when dad left the army they went in the pub trade. Drink & cash on tap. They worked that much they just gave me money all the time so i thought f*** it live it up.
I started to slep around & got a name for myself.
Well time to cut a very long stroy short. I met my fella & where still together but he was a heroin user, So i became 1 to i really wanted to try this drug that even though i didn't really like the way it mad him gouge out. I wanted to feel like it to. 13 year's on i'mnow trying to get clean. I've had alot of habit's on crack ect. But gear has lway's been my drug of choice.
I found this sight by pure accident. Well i was looking for a forum about drug's & i didn't even no this was a u.s sightBut i wonderd why i didn't no what the pill's are that people are addicted to. But i dosn't matter what does is that people care & i really mean it so please stay with it hun. I have relasped the last 2 week's & have stayed away coz i felt like i'd really let them all down not just myself. But in truth it probably would of helped me if i'd stayed even the day's i was useing. Your the same age i was when i got my habit & a habit is a habit no matter wat the drug.
The fact that your only 16 & want to do something obut it is great it took me 10 year's. I've beeb kinda batteling for the last 3 year's gear alway's winning. But you learn & the longer you've been an addict the harder it is to stop. Lokk at all you have over come alrweady, The self harming & that must of been some demon to kill. Then the eating your a really strong girl.
You have really touched people in here & it's not just your age, It's the honesty & wisdom at your age that shines out keep posting hun you could be 1 of the lucky one's. I sold my sloe along time ago & i'm paying the price for trying to get it back now so stay with it. God i'm not 100% drug free. I still have a meth habit, vallium habit & smoke weed every day. You don't have to be drug free you've just got to want it & that's a start the rest come's with it
Well i've rammbled on & on soz it's good to see another brit.
take care & keep posting nat :) Day 1 almost over ( for the heroin ) xxx
348415 tn?1205123263
well just a little update i guess :D

I am off the drugs have been for a long time now, i stopped counting!
i started self harming again for a while but with the help of my boyfriend of the time i managed to get it back under control quite quickly and now i havnt cut for quite a while, although i think about it alot!
I still struggle with my diet but i think i always will...i still see the fat monster in the mirror sometimes and it brings back the anorexic tendancies but i can normally contrrol it quite well and am still at a "normal" weight :D
Im more confident and feel like a much stronger person now, in a way it kinda makes me glad i have been through everythin that i have...its made me who i am today!

Anyway hope everyone is doing okay :D
Take care <3
xxxxx
679575 tn?1245115450
It's great to hear of someone coming back after so long and see that they are doing well.  Sometimes I read old posts a wonder how the person is doing whether they fought their demon and won or were still fighting.  so it is so great that you came back to let people know what has been going on.  I bet there will be a lot of people who are going to want post and talk to you congrats and good luck
Avatar universal
good for u and what doesnt kill us make sus stronger.. keep fighting and giving it hundred and ten percent. and u are a beautiful girl u dont need to cut and u def dont need to loose any more weight. k. trust me. ur a very cute girl. good luck with all that u keep doing
340590 tn?1290952141
hey girl, so good to see ya.  keep in touch.
352798 tn?1399298154
Good for you on staying clean! I knew you were a strong one. I still think of you often. It's always good to hear from you. Take care of yourself and don't be such a stranger.

gtmi
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