TIRED OF PRETENDING

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

ok yeah im drung free....have been for bout 3 months....but im just so miserable! i dont like to do anything i dont like to go anywhere...when i do go places i see all these happy people and it makes me mad i guess im mad b/c i cant be happy! i try to sugarcoat things but on the inside im loosing my mind! i dont no if im experencing paws r what the deal is but sumthing has got to give....i cant handle this....i dont wanna relapse but i feel like why do all this hard work and feel so horrible! when i get off of work i go home shut my door and lay on the couch.....i dont wanna see anyone or talk to anyone! is this normal??? please help and advice would be great b/c i wanna feel better i have so much to live for and be happy for and i just wan to ENJOY life for a change!
thanks JENZ

[avisg]

Sometimes you have to pick yourself up from your boot straps and just do it .Get up go out exercises go places .Fake it until one day you realize you dont have to fake it anymore .Remember it took alot time to do the damage it takes a while to undo it .Are you take any supplements? Are you taking anything for depression ? You can turn this around life truly can be better clean sometimes it just takes a bit longer to get there.

[refusingbondage]

boy, i can so understand everything you are feeling.  i remember feeling the same exact way.. bottom line is you are struggling and the only thing that really takes it away is:  TIME. you just have to grin and bear it, unfortunately.  your not selfish, and I am sure you dont 'want' to feel how you do, you cant help it.  do try the exercise - it helps with endorphins and gives you a release for anger.  sometimes jogging with my headphones on and my music blasting was the only thing to keep me on this side of sanity.  i know you dont want to, but try it.. if you are already an exerciser- try punching it up.  just acknowleding you are feeling this way and knowing that your confused and recognizing it is a big step.  drugs will nt take all this away.  time spent clean, healthy and sober dealing with any underlying depression will..

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

you guys seem to have all the rite answers and all the rite things to say....but just how do i put all this into action in my life....i have so much to be greatful and thankful for but im just not i feel so selfish.....i mean what has my son ever done to me NOTHING and y cant i be the mother to him that he deserves....i truly want to from the bottom of my soul beat this but ive been fighting so hard i just wanna give up evn tho i no its not an option! im just torn....confused.....upset.....depressed.......i just dont no what to do from 1 min to the next!
thanks for all the much need support!
JENZ

[gizzy32]

I am not ready to give advice at the moment since I am in a negative frame of mind, but at least we can be bitchy today together, lol. Hang in there ok jen

[laurel453]

hi :).

hold on, jen. i know its hard living "pretending "but u don't need it and u don't need either using again. we know its not the answer. you have been a true fighter all the way, just fight with life with the same strentgh you showed before because you've got it inside u what you need, even if you can't find it now, its there inside u deep inside. surrender is not  for us now , ok?

maybe you are going through PAWS or maybe you are going thru some low time or thru a depression. either way, they can be solved  by you. doesn't matter if it take some time, its worth it. otherwise, would you like starting the same vicious circle once, twice and again and again ? nooooooooo. if you gonna end having to solve life's problem just by yourself with no artificial poisons, then, do not let your thoughts going the wrong way, block them. make a plan. exeercise, a good and healthy diet, some hobby , .... whatever but slowly, make changes in your life. maybe even going to a doctor to search for help with depression.
but don't go back, dear. do not go back..... go ahead, forwards.

good luck, jen. and be positive, please :)   ( and you, gizzy, too , please ) we are here, ok?

[refusingbondage]

its really hard to tell if you need a different one, or if you should wait this one out, or if you should not take one at all.. everyone does react differently, especially to antidepressants.  Ive never used them but know people who have been through at least 10 before finding the *right* one, it was difficult for them-the process of finding it, but once they did it helped them tremendously.  you can totally beat this.  omg, i was a homicidal/suicidal self-destructive lunatic around 90 days!   definate paws.. thank God paws subsides.. you have a lot of support,, use it.. best of luck

[HelpinUtah]

Honey:
Can you go to your doctor and see if maybe a different antidepressant would be better?  We all react differently to different medications?  I know you will BEAT THIS!  I totally believe in you!  Love ya, Janet

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

thank you guys... i am on an antidepressant.....my mom gave it to me its celexa....i honestly think its maken more crazy than i already am! i feel like im physco r sumpin....1 min im fine and the next min im off the chain! i really wanna beat this but sumtimes i just feel like theres no gettin outa this rutt ive gotten myself into!

[HelpinUtah]

Sweetie:

I agree it sounds like PAWS!  Can you go to your doctor and maybe go on an antidepressant?  

What your doing is exactly how I was for a few months after withdrawal.  I just wanted to crawl into a small space and be left alone!  But, it doesn't help!  

You are such a sweetheart and you've been through so much with your addiction and your Mom's health, but you know what - we have to learn how to deal with life without drugs!  It's not easy, I know!  BUT I BELIEVE IN YOU!

I also want to congratulate you on 3 months!  You are DOING GREAT that way!  

Maybe when you feel like not wanting to do something, take a walk or take a long, hot bath and see if that helps!  

You know you are loved here and you are also in my prayers!  

Hugs & Love,
Janet

[KLM_81]

I'm no doc, but it sounds like PAWS to me. It will pass, but only with time. And it's different with everyone. Two of the best things that you can do to help this is to eat healthy, and excercise daily. It's definately not an instant cure, but it will speed up the process. I have kicked cold turkey on the street, and when I was locked up. But when I was in jail (after the acute WD's were over) I started working out all the time. Believe it or not, although I was incarcerated I actually felt better over all, and faster, than when I kicked on the street. It really does make that big of a difference. Another thing that really helps with the depression is to eat plenty of oatmeal....at least two bowls a day. Something in oatmeal helps you produce seratonin. (I read that in some mental health pamphlet in my counselor's office.) That really works too, I tried it. You have to give it a couple of weeks before you really can tell a difference though. So there you have it.

Exercise = Endorphins
Oatmeal = Seratonin

And those are the two biggest things the brain lacks when you're trying to recover, so it only makes sense that they would work. Plus I can tell you from experience that they both really help. But you do have to be kinda patient. Stay strong. And congrats on 3 months clean! That is truly fantastic! Peace, KLM

[refusingbondage]

I think its paws.. definitely talk to your doctor if you can.  its tough girl.  depression set in for me badly too.. i had to be dragged out of the house to do anything social.. so is it normal, I dont know.. but I now your not alone and i know others, myself included have been right there... have you ever had depression before (pre drug years??).. this could be a good indicator whether its paws or not.. either way, get some help with it... lots of people cannot make it through the post-withdrawal depression period.. I came really close to losing it ALL due to that.. hang in there girl.

[hopinforhappy]

I would go in and talk to your doctor.  Does your doctor know you struggled with addiction?  If Dr knows they would be your best place for help.  I know that I have an underlying problem with depression that causes me to relapse if I don't take care of my depression first.  Don't give up the fight, don't go back---it is SOOO not worth it.  Keep posting, others here know so much more.