This is absolutely amazing, and I’m not sure if it’s just my state of mind, or if it’s because this medication has actually healed me. It’s been 2 years, so I am telling myself that the person I was before my addiction is still here somewhere, and that the medication has allowed me to get used to feeling like her again. I have been keeping a medication journal since I began tapering, chronicling exactly how much I take, at what time, and how I feel.
So far, this is the pattern: On June 1st, I dropped from 2mgs a day to 1mg a day, and felt no difference at all. On July 1st, I dropped from 1mg to .75mgs a day, and also felt no difference. Once in a while, I would get really anxious at night and have to take a tiny sliver before bed. On July 6th, I woke up at 5AM feeling really anxious, so I took .25mgs early. Since I did that, I only took 1/3mg at the regular time. From that day on, I felt fine on 1/3mg every day. Same as before, once in a while I would have to cheat and take a tiny piece if I felt too anxious at night.
I stayed on 1/3mg every day from July 6th to September 30th. On that night, I took .25mgs at bedtime, and felt completely fine the entire next day. So fine, that I decided to go to sleep without taking anything, to see how long I could push myself. I woke up several times crawling out of my skin, but I managed to fall back asleep until 11AM. I took .25mgs on October 2nd, and then a tiny, tiny sliver before bed. It didn’t take the edge off even a little bit, and I went to sleep feeling anxious and woke up feeling anxious. Then yesterday, I took .25mgs for the day, and nothing at night. I woke up at 5AM this morning with horrible anxiety, so I took literally a shaving. I laid in bed feeling awesome, and woke up at 11AM to get ready for a birthday party. Since I took next to nothing so early, I thought for sure that I would need to take a regular dose today, but I never felt like I had to.
I had a great time at the party, played football, watched football, and now it’s 8PM and I still feel perfectly fine. So, in the last 48 hours, I have only taken a combined amount of .5mgs, and haven’t felt uncomfortable any more than I can handle. My new plan, since a miniscule shaving has lasted me all day, is to wait as long as possible, and then take that tiny sliver only when I can’t take the anxiety anymore. It is very powerful stuff, and it seems to be having a kind of placebo effect on me. I do realize that I have to account for the long half-life, and that I probably won’t feel the sudden drop until tomorrow or later, but I am still optimistic.
My doctor told me on Friday to come in tomorrow to talk about scripts for Clonidine and an SSRI to supplement my withdrawal. The way this is going, I may not even need that stuff. But since I lost my insurance, and this will be the last appointment I can afford for a while, I may as well still try for the scripts. Then at least I will have them in my possession if this ends up not going so well. I will keep everyone posted in the days to come, and hopefully mine will end up being a positive story that will bring hope to everyone struggling with this drug.