Hi Ben- I hear you loud and clear and think I know exactly what you're talking about. It's very familiar to me...
It's very difficult to quit when you can't come up with a good reason! All I can tell you is that now is probably the best time and I'll tell you why:
You HAVEN'T lost everything yet! You could very easily and it happens all of a sudden. It all comes tumbling down and by that point you're too ill-equiped to stop the landslide. It's overwhelming and depressing. I don't need to tell you how that goes...you can imagine: failing at the job, with your kids, your wife, etc...
If only any of us had reached out as you're doing, before the crash. I wish I had...
It's important to 'fess up to your wife. You're going to need her love and understanding. I really don't recommend going about this in secrecy. It seldom works out.
Some support like your doctor, a therapist, meetings, program, etc...will help you to stay clean. I recommend finding something now. Also, I'm a big fan of tapering. It's a little easier on the body and lets you slowly adjust to the lack of opiate.
There's a lot of support on this forum so don't hesitate to ask questions. Don't wait until you're taking unbelievable amounts and getting physically sick to stop!
You can quit if you want to bad enough. But you will need help like NA or treatment center there are also other types of rehab. So go a head and get started on a new way of life without drugs. Blessed are the merciful for they shall attain mercy.
Vicky pretty much said it all... That daily intake of hydros, is totally out of control..and yea..all will come tumbling down..your health (kidneys, liver) possibly be the first to go...
Have that talk with your wife, and if you decide to taper..let her hold the pills. You, your wife, and your children deserve a clean Ben. I'm sure you will be a better person for it. No more lies, secrets...I had no idea that by taking oxycodone/xanax for 4 years..my body stopped creating endorphins, dopamine, seratonin..all of it..because I was ingesting synthetics. I have some pain..but it's totally doable compared to the mental pain I was feeling at the end.
I am still totally new at this..20 days opiate free, but I have a long way to go..and now I do have hope for a better future..I hope you do too.
Ben, wow, ok, you are allot like me. Chronic pain suffer, multiple surgeries, can get any pill you want from the surgeon the hole nine yards. I get it 100percent. Life was great on pills i was able to concur the world, but it will all begin to crumble my friend and fast!!!!! All the feelings you are having are false and not Ben. I actually had my knee replaced 3 times and im only 37, so wait as long as possible. I cant take pills for one simple reason, i take one, NO, i want 10, and so on, so for me taking opiates is not an option. Do i have pain, you bet, and it stinks, but, there are other options out there for you. I did a taper because i was on a boat load of meds and it was not easy but can be done. Please tell your wife, i understand its hard, actually Vicki is the one who talked me into that and he handled it great, the truth shall set you free, believe me, it was such a relief, i hated the lies and secrets. So you ask for suggestions, i say, open up to your wife, go to the doc and tell him you are dependent/addicted, and ask for a taper. You have to want it for yourself, do you want? Are you going to try? It so worth it! Best of luck to you
Thanks to each of you for your words of wisdom and encouragement. I've been sitting here for close to thirty minutes trying to figure out what I wanted to say in reply. I wish it was "OK, I'm going to follow your advice and begin the process". Instead, that part of my mind that needs to be totally committed to giving these pills is coming up with excuses not to do it. Such as: I get a blood panel every six months, my liver/kidney function is normal (how does one know one's liver or kidneys are going bad anyway - is there pain, swelling or some warning, or do they fail all-of-a-sudden?). Won't the brain adapt to not having the opiates in much the same way that it adapted to having them? I get the need to tell my wife and doctor. That will be the first thing I do when I commit to cleaning up. But that's also the point of no return - am I ready to swim so far from shore that I know I won't have the strength to swim back?
Let me ask you - when you made the decision to quit, was it like something clicked in your mind and you just knew that you'd had enough? Or did you kind of fall into deciding to quit through an accumulation wanting to do it for different reasons? And did you come to this decision on your own, or did it take people around you putting pressure on you to do it? Thanks again for your kindness and decency. It's a shame one has to get addicted to something to see altruism at work like this.
I knew i had had enough. My health was going downhill fast, i thought about my kids and grandson and i knew when i died they would want an autopsy and my dirty little secret would be out. The thought of them having to live with the choices i made just about killed me. I had to face my demons and get my life back for me and my family. I had wasted too many years using. It was the best decision i have ever made. My health is getting better, my relationships are mending and i finally am living, not just existing. I hope you make the choice to get clean~~sara