The Disease Of Addicition

[Danielincc]

I have studied the effects of the disease of drug addiction. I give treatment and have received treatment for this deadly disease. I am eight years clean from having to worry where my next dose will come from. I have gone through all the miseries people write about on this forum. What puzzles me Doctor and readers, is why with all the help out there. Why do people refuse to get the help they need to put this horrible disease in check?
Why do people continue to do everything but correct thing! I see people on this forum joke and glorify their addicition. Is it simply because people or participants do not understand the seriousness and deadliness of this disease? Please respond doctor/readers.
My Best To All..                                        Danielincc

[butterbean]

You are very young, talented.  You don't need the ex. He walked away, and if he did it is his loss.  It is painful anytime we lose someone, especially if they are the ones who break it off, but, you have everything going for you. To get over him , maybe you should show some of your strengths by refusing to let him get you down.  There are many fish in the sea, you are young.  Someday, you will find your soulmate, if there is such a thing, and he will love you equally as much as you love him.  What you need to do first, is love yourself.  You can do this.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  What I do is when I have a couple of days of feeling depressed or sad about something, the next day, I say snap out of it!  You have only one life to live and you have a lot to live for.  I have kids, that is what keeps me going.  And I look at the trees, the flowers, the birds and say that I need to put my depression into perspective.  Try going a day without the meds, yu will hurt, but, know that you are feeling your real self and then when you need the meds, take one.  That is what I plan on doing, starting tomorrow.  I may regress again, but, I am going to try real hard.  I have clients that can't even walk, that is what snaps me out of my downs, telling myself that I have it so much better than some of them.  So I will talk via forum when you post.  good luck.  Everyone here is with you.  Post up further.  Most people don't come this far down, so they may not have seen your post.  OK.
Love Butterbean

[abusa]

tO BUUTERBEAN
i LIKE YOUR NAME. i NEED TO CHANGE MINE. another other huge problem I have is that my ex lives two streets away in santa cruz and it makes me weak to think about him. He thinks I'm a head case ever since he started modeling for tommy hilfiger--he used to be humble and now he justs hums in his head that he's the ****. he wants to be my friend and I told him yeah right buddy. What do you do when you're trying to get over your ex? My whole body encompasses itself with butterflys when i see him. He left me the day before thanksgiving after having sex with me for the past month and holding me all day when i was sad about my pain. I have no friends in santa cruz b/c of codependency on Fletcher (my ex) and it's hard to make friends b/c I hardly ever feel good physically and mentally. I'm so sorry to hear that you have the same thing, isn't it awful. But I'm proud of you for getting through school. Where do you live? What's your real name? Don't worry, I'm not a stocker--hah. I can hardly to my art work b/c I can't focus b/c of him. I know i need to think that it's all about me but i can't. I feel so alone in santa cruz. I live with five other girls and still feel alone. I know i'm young and will meet others but i feel like he was my soul mate. I feel like i should try to get him back but i know i can't. Boys are ******* aren't they. Maybe I should become a lesbian, at least girls have a little bit of sensitivity. Well guys do but they kill themselves before showing it gotta go
Love Katherine pleaaase write back

[butterbean]

Hi Abusa, I am Butterbean.  Like you I recently found this forum about 3 months ago.  Wizard and Witchywoman and the others have helped me so much.  I too have degenerative disc disease.  I have had it since I was 23.  I fell skating and since then has been down hill.  I started only on narcotics 6 years ago.  They worked wonders.  They had me on motrin, flexeril, parafon forte and many other things over the years and none of it helped.  However, I feel like I should stop taking narcotics and I went through detox at home over a week ago, but, started them back the day before thanksgiving, because of the pain.  I just need to learn to take them as perscribed and in the last year or so, I haven't.  Hang in there with us, we will be here for you.  You sound like a very talented person, and yu will be able to have your career and your bad back too!  pain managment.  If you can take the meds when you have the bad pain then do so.  If you can't stop abusing them, talk to your doc and see if there is something else that may work for you.  You sound like you have a lot of strength, you must have to have gotten a job modeling for
Roxy.  You also have to be a beautiful person, not just outside, but, inside too. I am 47 now and still work full-time and just completed my MSW degree going to school full-time.  You can do whatever you are determined to do.  Don't let your back or the meds hold you back.  Talk to me when yu can and I will try to answer whenever you post.  Take care.
Love Butterbean

[abusa]

wizard---your reply gave me shivers down my spine, I actually had no pain for a few seconds. Wow, you should be my therapist, j/k. i JUST MADE THE DECISION TO GO BACK TO SANTA CRUZ AND FINISH MY SEMESTER. yES, MY DOCTOR IS GIVING ME ENOUGH, BUT I WAS ADDICTED TO SNORTING THEM, i HAVEN'T FOR THREE DAYS NOW, AM STILL TAKING THE OXYS, AND AM HAVING,(OOPS I'M USING CAPITAL  HAH) not so bad withdrawals from the snorting. I used to be such a levelheaded person until i snorted them so i'm quitting. the only problem is that i'm freezing yet sweating, which i know are the withdrawals and they actually aren't that bad right now. I'll probably have to take meds for the rest of my life but hopefully i'll decrease my intake. I'm taking more than cancer patients, i don't have the balls to tell anyone about the snorting so i'll quit on my own, it's only been three days but I CAN MAKE IT. Thanks for your compassion and know that you are what's making me smile for the day. I'll write tomorrow sweetheart--kath

[Wizard]

Such a sad story for someone so young and with so much life ahead of you. Well, you've come to the right place for compassion. That we are not lacking here on the forum. I know we sometimes think about what we are putting our families through by our abuses, but I think now is the time to not think about them and think about YOU. If you are going to beat this thing, you have to make yourself the most important consideration in your life. As I said to an above poster, "you need to love yourself enough" to be honest about your condition. You state you have degenerative disc disease. That is very painful and no one should live in constant pain. Why would your Dr. not give youenough meds for this? Or are they and you are taking more than prescribed? I think personally I'm more concerned with the fact that you are "punching" your self in the face. That tells me that there is something more deeply rooted than the disc problem. That "something" should be addressed by a compassionate therapist in my opinion, to find the root of this self abuse. Heaven knows us addicts are pros when it comes to abusing ourselves, but you seem to have taken it a step further and that I don't think we can SOLVE for you here. We CAN support you in your steps through recovery, we can suggest things to make detox a little easier. But we can't force you to love yourself. You sound like you have an opportunity to have a wonderful life ahead of you with a father who loves you enough to care. Take advantage of these gifts and seek out the right professionals to help you find your way. In the meantime, we will be here to care about you, to support you and to give a shoulder to lean on. My dear lady, PLEASE take the step and reach for the Light of freedom. I shall keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through these trying times.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Wiz

[abusa]

I am new to this forum and would like a friend that is willing to help a youngen like me--I'm nineteen and have deg. disk dis.. I;m on 200mgs of oxys a day. don't have any friends, just lost the love of my life and I punch myself in the face, literally, when i have nervousness breakdowns. Have done it five times. Used to model for Roxy but I gained weight from depression. basically, i've hit rock bottom. I feel like I'm ruining my family's life and that my father will have a heart attack b/c of me. Have cried every day for the past year and right now as we speak. Started snorting oxys a year ago b/c doc wouldn't give me enough meds. Just stopped a week ago b/c I went crazy from it. And imagine this, I already feel better from not snorting and still have bad pain. I know I'm young and you'[ve probably already heard this story but I am hoping that someone will have some compassion for another lost soul. I'm scared to death of detox which I have to go to this week. What will happen if I go through it & am still in excruciating pain. seems like I'm on an endless cycle. come off drugs, have pain, go back  on drugs, come off drugs, have pain.... aaahhhh. I have read every comment in this forum and have compassion for each one of you, and sympathy for that lost soul in denial named danny dork. Seems like there's a lot of great hearts on this forum. would really like to know more about everyone.

and Ohhhhhhhh witchywoman, I can't get that song out of my head--love it!  

I live in san clemente ca and need guidance- sincerely- Katherine
(my real name)

[nknct]

Perhaps they don't take it as seriously because it's not a disease. Just a guess.

[cindi]

I just got your email...I am oo ******* pissed right now I can't even think of what to say other than what ever happened to peoples freedowm of speech  I have to get to work later...then I will have some mail for you...............love cin

[ssfr]

hi maryanne and everyone- please let us know how the bup experience works- certainly sounds like something i would try if it helps you

and trust me- i can use all the help i can get- looking forward to hearing from ya

[Marryanne]

I am so happy for you!  You are on your way to a better life.  I know it is hard to get off these things but you managed to do it!  Now, the harder work has begun for you (Yes, believe it or not, it is actually harder to stay sober than to get sober).  The mistake that I made was to "not work a program" and go to meetings.  Some people go to Narcotics Anonymous and some go to Alcoholics Anonymous.  Even people who do not really drink (but use drugs) go to AA sometimes instead of NA because they just like the meetings better (for whatever reason).  I hope I am not offending you by telling you about meetings.  They are UNBELIEVABLY helpful in the very same way the people here are.  The second meeting I ever attended, this guy came up to me and said, "What are you smiling about?" (he said it in a nice way) and I said, "I feel like someone has let me in on a big secret here" and he just smiled back and told me to "keep coming back".  You should find meetings and have them ready "just in case" you feel like using even if you don't actually go to one right away. If you are afraid that you will see someone you know, then do what I did - go out of town (they are held EVERYWHERE).  After awhile, I didn't really care anymore and now I attend them 10 minutes from where I live.  I do not go around anouncing that I attend meetings but I don't really care who see's me at them anymore.  I should mention here that I always drank with my pills and that I go to AA meetings. The recovery program of AA and NA is really amazing.  You will meet people there who truly understand and support you.  Welcome to the forum - keep posting, we need you as much as you need us Wiseone!  Love, Maryanne

[Marryanne]

Thank you so much for your kind words!  Every little bit of support helps tremendously (as you know).  I want to thank all my friends here for their help and to let you all know that you have friend in New Jersey!  Love, Maryanne

[jule1]

Your nickname is very fitting because you truly are doing it the right way KUDOS to YOU!!!!   I have got to go to bed -had a root canal yesterday and didn't sleep much but I couldn't go to bed without saying I was proud of you and here for you I promise i will check on you tomorrow.  You need to come here often right now you need us and we need you.  Keep it up!!  Your new friend Jules

[Wiseone111]

Thanks alot for the support. The stomach pains have really started to subside today. They did not start again until about 5:00 pm. I haven't taken the L-tyrosine at all thru this whole ordeal. But i did take alot of the Zinc and magnesium and B-6.
Hopefully I will be able to go back to work atleast by thursday.
In all honesty i cannot tell whether i am suffering withdrawal cramps or some kind of stomach virus. I have flu like symptons and went to the doctor today and he confirmed it. I apparently have the flu and a stomach virus. Of course i did not discuss with him the details of my hydrocodone addiction except to tell him that i did not want any cough medicine with codeine or opiates in it :). Also, the more i eat the more the cramps seem to subside. I guess after being a junkie for so long real food in my system might have my body jonzing for more.
Anyways, to everyone else on this message board, I have been reading these posts for months and without all the kind comments and loving words from all I do not think i could have taken the steps to be free of the drug i was under for so long. Wish me luck as I wish all of you luck and my prayers are with you all.

best wishes,
--W

[Witchywoman]

I remember wondering the same thing...it seemed that the stomache pains would never go away! oi!

After about a full 3 weeks, most of the tummy symptoms were totally over. I found out that high doses of tyrosine was making my stomache problem worse, so once I lowered it to one 500mg pill, the stomache pain got a little bit better.

It just takes a long time. Blech, huh?

It helps so much to hear how your withdrawals are going, since it helps me fight the mental cravings when they hit, and they do sometimes.

Congratulations to you for getting this far! That is great.
Please, do keep us posted.

love,
WW

[Wiseone111]

Hi there everyone. I have been reading these messages for aboutthe last two months. And I finally took the leap and I am in the process of getting off of Lortab(Hydrocodone) addiction.
It has been almost a week sinve my last full day on the pills. A week ago today i was taking 6-8 pills a day sometimes more. The wednesday following that i broke down and took 1-1/2. Since wednesday I have not taken anything except the vitamins, vallium, and stuff listed in Thomas' recipe. My question is this.
How long does it take for the weird feeling in my stomach and the cold sweats to go away. I really feel like i am almost over the hump here. Would just be nice to havean indication of about how long i hace left.

thanks,
-W

[littleguy]

Maryanne,

Email me about the Bup.  I might be able to help.

***@****

[SHOTSY]

Hi! Just wanted to let you know I care about your situtation. I'm not familar with the med. you need but wondered why your dr. couldn't help you. Surely there has got to be some way. I guess that med. isn't readily available to you? Can the dr. not refer you some where else, or use a different method to detox? I'm sorry I'm no help. Just know I care.  Sincerely, Shotsy

[SHOTSY]

Thanks, guys. It's comforting to know that I'm Not losing it. And that there are others that feel the same as me. My sister is on Effecor and she doesn't seem to be bothered by these things. It's got to be the med.Hopefully all this will stop soon. Or they'll find out for sure who it is. Because my mind has conjured  up some senarios that are not good. Sometimes I wished I had a position in power. The first thing I'd do is evalute the schools and everyone in the last 10 years who could have incorporated themselves into that system. That's been my major anixiety is the children. ALL children. We need to protect them. But I've been taking mine to school, just praying that everything will be okay.And that I'm making the right decisions. Thank yous guys for your encouragement. I half expected everyone to tell me I should go to the mental health forum (uh oh maybe someone will). At any rate thanks for sharing with me. And witchy woman, as far as long posts go, I LOVE EM'. Thanks, you guys!!!!!

[Marryanne]

Cindi and Witchy, those were wonderful words from both of you!  These are the things I need to hear.  I am so ready to embrace sobriety.  I am tired of being a slave to the pain meds.  I got off them once and allowed the pain and my disease to take over.  There are specific things I want to do this time to stay sober once I get there.  My best friend has 4 months under her belt.  I NEVER thought she would get sober - we used to party together all the time.  It's great to go to AA meetings and movies with her.  I have quit drinking.  Now I need to stop taking the meds.  I need the Bup and am just waiting to get my hands on some.  I'd hate to go to that doc and pay 240.00 for 3 doses.  That would be 480.00 since my husband is going to quit too - and then if we need to go back, that's another 480.00.  We just cannot afford that and keep a roof over our head.  It's cheaper to go to the doc and let my prescribption plan pay for the meds but then I'm a slave.  I want to be ready and strong in case something happens with the country.  I was called to go to New York the day after it happened.  Then they called back and said, "There will not be a need for rescue, only recovery so your services will not be needed"  I guess the meds would have kept my pain controlled so that I would be able to work long hours but if I ran out, I would have gone into withdrawal and then been useless to everyone.  Please, if anyone is reading this and knows where to order Bup online, I am begging you to share this info with me.  Thank you so much everyone for listening.  Love, Maryanne - a nurse in need

[jule1]

Hello my friends hello (that could be a song)  Its wierd living right outside of NYC during this whole mess first my husband was supposed to be in World Trade and now with Antrax guess where his office is it is in Rockefeller Center.  Something has given me peace though I feel he will be ok and believe me at first I was going crazy with him going into manhattan every day.  I just thought realistically he has a minor chance of being exposed and it is so treatable.  Shotsy you are right about something going over the mail to help, they could radiate it like they do meat but it would cost millions of dollars and they don't seem to want to spend the money.  I hope that if it was somehting that was immedietely deadly the government wuold not hesitate.  well you will be ok love to you both.  Jules

[Witchywoman]

Hi Shotsy,
Goddess, I wish I knew what to say to make it all ok. I"m a bit wigged out about the whole thing as well.

I think though, that we have to do whatever it takes to keep our feet on the ground...prepare a plan in case something else horrible happens, but continue to lead our normal lives, and continue walking our own paths to health and wholeness, as much as possible.  The terrorists want to infect us with FEAR. And they are succeeding. How could they not? But, we can combat that fear with the commitment to do whatever it takes to keep the quality of our lives high, to keep growing emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

The fear of biological warfare also has renewed my commitment to keep my immune system at peak level. I've always been a bit lax about taking my general vitamins, but I"m now taking them religiously. No longer taking narcotics helps the immune system (narcotics supress the immune system after a while). Doing as much excercise as I can. Doing whatever I can to be sure that my relationships with the people I love are in good shape..staying in touch with my higher power...all these are things that keep me on my path, helping me cope with the fear that is naturally there.

So remember to love, and laugh, and live, while at the same time, stock up on cipro if you can get it, and be cautious.  We aren't fully in control, nope..we have to now all live with the anxiety that more dreadful things may happen. That is a tall order, to tolerate that anxiety..but with support, and uniting with each other, we'll have an easier time of it.

As for withdrawals mimicking the symptoms of anthrax...I think that withdrawal is classic, and there is no mistaking it, if you know you are dependant on a med. If in 7 hours you get symptoms and you haven't taken your pain med, chances are it is withdrawal and not anthrax.
I actually think that what is going on can be used as a motivator for getting clean, for those for whom that is an option. I'd hate to be stuck somewhere, for some reason, away from access to my meds, and go into withdrawal while in the middle of a crisis that would require me to be strong and functional. For those who shouldn't go off meds, for pain reasons etc...now is a good time to make sure that you have an extra supply just in case.  Here where I live, in earthquake country, Docs will almost always give you an extra ammount of whatever med you have, in order to have a reserve in store in case of earthquake.  

I've got cipro leftover from a kidney infection a few years ago, but am trying to get more. I have had two Docs tell me they won't give it, they are worried folks will take it at the first sign of a sniffle and the drug will not work for folks who really need it...but I won't take it if it isn't seriously needed. For once, I actually might even look into ordering it. The International Anti-Aging society website has it for sale, from a European source, but it is extremely expensive!!!
http://www.antiaging-systems.com/home1.htm

Eeeep I wrote a book here, didn't I? I hope this helps alleviate some of your anxiety Shotsy...but I'm feeling it too, so all I can do is share some of what I've come up with to help cope with my own feelings. I can tell you that where I work, we now have a waiting list for folks who want to get into see a therapist, and we've started a support group for people who have anxiety about the Terrorism. We are not alone in our fears, that is for damn sure.

take care Shotsy...I'll send you love, light and magick sparkels.

love,
WW

[SHOTSY]

Hey, glad your doing so great. I need some words of wisdom from you.This stuff with anthrax has got me worked up. I know it's not a probability but it's not beyond the realm of possibility. See  that's what always gets me about things. I found out from going on the net that this stuff is worldwide. No actual cases outside of the US but something major going on. I think about if I quit taking the 1 1/2 vicoden would I go into withdrawal. Then I think about the people here and their pain. And it's like how would you know if it's withdrawal, the flu, or anthrax? I know I made comment earlier about the seeds of fear and pruneing them back. But today just 6 miles from my house they closed down a plant that received 3 cartons w/powder. They closed the hwy. and plant, etc. So those seeds just came busting forth again. Hell, get this, I emailed the president. Suggesting maybe using heat or cold for mail may do something to kill it. Of course I don't have a clue but it might work!? Okay so it's not rocket science but I wondered if they had thought of the simple things.So what do you think the course of action should be to help ourselves. Is there anything we can do? I didn't like the last time I flew for the simple fact that my life was in somebody else's hands. And by the way, if you feel like you need to tell me to chill, that's okay too. It just feels like it's going to be a long hard winter........ Thanks, Shotsy

[cindi]

iT'S TIME TO KILL THIS THREAD A IT HAS BECOME OR SHOULD I SAY HE HAS BECOME A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS SO i AM HIJACKING THE THREAD..

i HAVE BEEN FEELING A BIT BETTER LATELY AND VERY SENTIMENTAL...i HAVE BEEN COMING HERE FOR JUST ABOUT A YEAR  WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD NOT GO ONE WITHOUT MY MOM...THE OLDTIMERS AND THE NEWCOMERS, PERHAPS SOME OF YOU THAT WERE GHOSTING IT FOR AWHILE KNOW WHAT i AM TALKING ABOUT,,,I WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW GRATEFUL i AM TO HAVE SUCH WONDERFUL FRIENDS IN MY LIFE,,,AND NO, THIS IS JUST NOT THE INTERNET,,,EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU ARE REAL LIVE PEOPLE THAT SHOW NOTHING BUT CONCERN AND COMPASSION FOR THOSE EVERYONE THAT COMES HERE...I THINK ABOUT YOU GUYS OFTEN..NO AI AM NOT OBSESSED   oK MAYBE A ITTLE BUT  GENUINELY CARE ABOUT AL OF YOU,,,i WISH i COULD GIVE BACK TO YOU WHAT YOU HAVE ALL GIVEN TO ME,,BUT iCNA'T,,SO i WILL GIVE YOU THIS,,,yOU WILL FIND, AS YOU LOOK BACK UPON YOUR LIFE, THAT THE MOMENTS THAT STAND OUT ARE THE MOMENTS WHEN YOU HAVE DONE THINGS FOR OTHERS,,, tHE CAPACITY  TO CARE IS THE THING THAT GIVES LIFE IT'S DEEPEST MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE,,.....i LOVE YOU ALK AND THANK YOU,,,,LOVE  CIN

[Witchywoman]

Hi Katie,
I can relate to the feelings of sometimes  feeling like you don't fit in...isn't that part of the whole addiction process though? Feeling isolated, misunderstood, and 'terminally unique'? I know I feel that way at times...That is why group support, and this forum, have helped me so much, because I've not been able to consistenly fall back on my twisted belief that I am inherently too wierd for anyone to really want to reach out to.  

We are all close here, and you are part of "we".
When I first started posting I was worried that this forum would turn out to be really 'clicky' and that I'd not be able to break my way into the 'in' group here..LOL  I found out fast that the only person stopping me from being embraced here was myself, and that the more I honestly reached out, the more folks reached back. There were a few times where I felt like I wanted more feedback than I was getting, but then I realized that I just needed to ask for it, and it would be there. Folks don't always respond to every post, I wish I could, but I don't always have the time anymore, but that doesn't mean folks don't care.

Can I recommend a book to you, and to anyone who is interested?
It is called "The Four Agreements".  It is an amazingly simple, yet transformative book. Just a bit of wisdom that makes a huge difference.  I try to re read it often.
For a tiny book, I've gotten more out of it than almost any self help book I've ever read.

ok..just wanted to give you some love from cyber space Katie. Vicodins can't cuddle back you know, but we can, er, sorta...

::cyber cuddles to you

love,
WW