The Foolish Art of Deception

[AddictionFoolish]

Well, just thought I'd give you guys a little breath of fool-hardy stupidity.
My drug is Oxycodone (watson brand.  Thumbs up for watson). 4 to 6 bills of 10/325's a day.  I'm only prescribed 4 a day, and pick up 120 for the month.  Well, I found myself doing too many and finding myself short before refill time.  So, I asked my wife if she would hold them for me and divy out what I needed per day(4).  For a couple of months things were working out fine.  I even told her to only give me three a day because I wanted to try weaning.  Well, I was too weak to wean so I started looking for where she hid them.  Yep, I found them, and started being stupid.  For the fear that she might be counting the remainder of what I have left I would go to the store and pick up a bottle of those generic headache pills.  By diameter they are exactly the same as Watson Oxycodone, but just a little too thick.  So, I would get a file and shave them down.  Without the Watson imprint they look exactly the same.  I only hoped that she wouldn't look at them so carefully.  And so far she hasn't.

Well, you got it.  I ate too many, too soon, and now I'm a week short and have to go through this hell again.  This is the third time.  Yea, yea, yea, you must think I'm some kind of idiot.  Why would I eat so many and leave myself short?  I think most of you know why.  As a matter of fact, I would doubt that some of you have created worse deceptions.

Sometimes Cold Turkey has it's blessings.  But I fear, once again, that as I get better I'll forget just how painful it really is.  When you get better, the memory of the pain subsides and it's only too easy to self justify why I should do it again.  So, it'll be another 7 days before I can pick up that next script.  And when it comes I will challenge my strength again.  I will replace the dummy pills with real ones,  but with being 7 days clean I'm going to try once again to stay clean, or at least stay on the road to clean.  Yes, even knowing where they are.  Want to know the messed up part of it?  She (my wife) tends to get some pretty serious migraines.  Yep, I found hers too.  And, yes again, I ate and replaced all of hers too with dummies.  She has other drugs that she takes for her headaches, and more rarely goes for the percocets, but going into her till is just too messed up.  It's obvious I'm ashamed, but the good faith that I have in my head is that I intend to replace what was taken and pray she doesn't go for any till next week when I reup.

I'm figuring that many of you will probably place judgment and think of me as some sort of creep and that I deserve the pain of withdrawals.  Personally, I think that would be mean, but perhaps justified.

So, what's my question?  There is no question.  I've made my bed, and now I lay in it-in great pain on day 2.  But I wanted to share what lengths pain pills will drive a man to go to when he feels desperate.  It takes a stern decision to quit drugs in order to really quit.  If I'm not there yet, I want to be there.  Because chasing drugs is a dead mans path, ultimately.  I know who I am.  I'm a good man.  A thoughtful man.  And percocet has turned me into an ***-hole.  This has to stop.  Because if she finds out, she's too strong to take it lightly.  We'll be through.  And I would have turned into another statistic that has lost his marriage due to drugs.  I don't want to be there.

Blessings to all you quitters out there.  You're the best.  And I'm grateful many of you are here.

[worried878]

dont reallyy find ur story too surprising...not the running out early part anyway..the filing down pills part..well that got me a bit!  but it is amzing what a simple lil ole pill can do to a person....i was never a type to get messed up with this kinda crazy stuff either..and it is strange how some abuse/ like u/ and others do not/like ur wife...not sure if it makes us less of a person..just means we have some things to work on...everybody does..maybe not pills..but it seeems almost everyone has a weak point somwhere...dont feel like a losr..but the only way u can stop this cycle is cut off the source..which in this case would be ur doctor i am assuming?  if u r truly done then u can tell him  "no more"  if u can not do this, then u r not truly done..not yet..and may have some more humiliation to endure before u r ready to be done

[corey411]

I have no doubt that you are a good man. Your also an addict. Do you deserve this? NO None of us think we are going to get addicted to these pills and that they are going to control our lives. Fact is, they are and the sooner that we face it the sooner we begin to recover. Your fooling yourself more than you are fooling your wife. I replaced hydros with generic pain relievers. I didn't even shave them. She will probably not find out....at least not that way. She will see it in the control that it takes away from your life. You are still in the early part of addiction. It's only taking a few more pills....It won't stop here. It will keep robbing you of everything that is sacred. When you are serious about quitting you will need to come clean with your wife and cut off your supply from the doctor. You will need to get help from other recovering addicts. We will help you when you want it...we will be here. In your post you already talk about when you are going to pick up your next refill. If your ready to quit before you find your bottom, you need to make a plan. I wish you well and hope that things work out for you. God bless. If I can be of any help, just let me know. Corey

[kim715]

You won't be judged by me.I have done the same thing and plenty of things that were much worse.Addiction doesn't define the person that we truly are inside,but during active addiction you will lose yourself and eventually everything and everyone around you that you hold near and dear to your heart if you don't take control.You don't have to be a 'statistic'.You have the power to change this,to stop this vicious cycle.I can tell you,as someone who has been where you are and who has done what you've done,it's only going to get worse.Soon instead of running out a week before your script is due,it will be 2 weeks and you will start looking for other ways to feed your addiction.Stop now before it gets to that point.I hope you will stick around and read some posts here,take them in,learn from others mistakes.I wish you well in your journey.Keep posting.....All the best...Kim

[newgirl286]

Well, for your sake I hope that you make it this time.  The first week is one of the toughest and your feel a little better but if you give it more time, you will see how clouded and ****** up your head has been...  You can continue and maybe someday end up on suboxone or methadone but the reality is, if you can get out, get out...  There is no future and it's okay to admit that your addiction made you behave in a deceptive manner...  Your gonna need help to stay clean so I'm not sure if hiding your problem is the best way to stay clean.  I told my family after a week and I had half a bottle of hydro 750 with a refill that I still think about but don't ever plan on finding out about...  
Good luck on your journey, keep coming back and give everyday meaning by not taking an opiate of any kind!

[lboogie7729]

I give you credit for admitting to us what you did and that you acknowledge that it was wrong. I try not to judge, like Bob Marley says "while you're pointing fingers someone else is judging you." I wish you luck in your journey to get clean, it's obviously no fun, but so worth it!